[Shawn]
Mama greeted both Kat and I at the door with firm hugs. She told us it had been too long since she'd since us in person. I agreed.
The holidays were her favorite part of the year. Mama ruled the roost, and she loved forcing us to all spend time together.
"Shawn's here!" she yelled back into the house, presumably to my father.
"Are you going to invite us in, or are you just going to leave us out here in the cold?" I joked.
Kat giggled beside me as Mama finally let us in. She wore a red sweater that was probably overkill for winter in Texas. She was still used to the weather up north.
"Relax," I whispered to her. She nodded and let out a large breath. "My family loves you."
"I know, I just... it's really happening, isn't it? This time next year, I'll he here as your wife. And I'll be here with your family every year."
I grinned down at her. "They'll be your family too."
I knew she was happy, but the realization was too much. She had that look in her eye. Hoping to steer her away from over-thinking it all again, I changed the subject.
"Come on, let's go join everyone. I'm starving. And Mama makes the best turkey."
Luckily Kat settled down once we all sat around the table. I tried my best to put her at ease. She pushed and pushed for us to start planning the wedding, but now that we were, she kept thinking about it too much. She was letting the whole marriage thing get to her head.
Everything was "I'm going to be your wife" or "You're going to be my husband" or "We're going to be doing this thing forever".
I didn't see the big deal. As far as I was concerned, Kat and I weren't going to change. I loved her now and I would in twenty years when we were married. The only thing that would change would be her name.
Scott and Randy had their own girlfriends with them. They were nice enough, I guess. Kat had a good time chatting with them. When she wasn't being hounded by my older brothers about us, the teasing bastards.
Shari ruffled my hair before she sat down, messing it all up. She only laughed when I whined. Kat joined her, fixing it (or attempting to) for me. I just watched her as she ran her fingers through my hair, still giggling.
There really was something about this woman.
My dad sat at the head of the table, stoicly watching us catch up and asking Randy about his new job.
Mama brought out the food she'd worked so hard on and we all dug in.
At some point, the topic of conversation once again turned to Kat and I.
"When are you finally going to tie the knot?" Shari asked, glancing at Kat from my other side.
I laced my fingers in Kat's. "We're thinking sometime in May." I looked back at Kat to make sure. "Right?"
She nodded. "Obviously you're all invited." This got some chuckles from my brothers and especially from Shari, who had taken a particular liking to Kat.
"Five months isn't a very long time to plan," my father warned. "Are you sure you want to have it that soon?"
"We decided we've waited long enough," I answered. "We'll have it done. We don't want anything too big anyway."
"Oh, come on, pretty boy. No fireworks?" Scott joked.
"Nope." I rolled my eyes at him. Were Mama not at the other end of the table watching, I would have flipped him off.
"Katherine, dear, didn't you just have a birthday?" Mama asked warmly. She really was trying her best to welcome Kat into our family. God bless Mama.
"Yes, Ma'am."
"How old did you turn?"
"Twenty two."
Kat was easily the youngest person at the table. I was plenty older than her, of course, and my siblings all way older than me.
Suddenly I got why she was a little uncomfortable.
It didn't matter how old we were. We were adults and we were in love. I didn't care what kind of looks Dad and Randy gave me.
It wasn't her first time being around my family, but this time it was real. We were going to be married, and she was way young for it. But I was young when I was married the first time too.
Kat and I had only been together for a couple years, but it felt like a lifetime. She had seen parts of me I never wanted anybody to see.
We finished eating and everyone drifted to different places in the house to hang out and chat. Finally able to get away from my brothers, Kat and I escaped to the living room. She cuddled into me on the couch in front of the fireplace, and all I could think about was how I wanted to stay just like that forever.
I would have forever to be with Kat.
I would have years of eating with family, being grilled my father, and sitting in front of the fireplace. One day we would even have our own family. Kat was so motherly, it was hard to picture her not having kids.
I couldn't wait to see her playing with our kids.
Who was I kidding?
I was a drifter. I wasn't settling down anytime in the near future. I had a career, other things to focus on than marriage and kids. I was too messed up to be a dad. I didn't do so well with marriage the first time, so what made me think this time would be different? What made me think I could be a good dad?
Kat would want to settle down though, soon enough. That was what she deserved. She deserved to get married and find a house somewhere and have kids crawling around on the floor.
She deserved someone stable. Someone home. Someone that didn't have the issues I did with self-medication, or alcohol, or my temper.
"I don't belong here, Kat."
She looked up at me, a smile still stuck to her face. "What do you mean? Everyone's having a great time."
"I shouldn't be here, with you."
She frowned, not understanding. "Oh, come on. My family has come around, your family is wonderful, ratings are going up, we're set to have a wedding in the spring... everything is looking up. Well, Shane will probably always hate you, just because he's my big brother. But everything else... is perfect." She reached up to kiss me, but I pulled away.
"You don't get it. You deserve someone better than me. Someone your family can be proud of. Someone more stable." I stood, creating distance. It suddenly felt way too hot in front of the fireplace. "You deserve someone who will settle down. Someone who will be home all the time. Have kids."
"Shawn, stop it. You always get like this whenever we're actually happy." She chased after me, like I knew she would.
I spun around to face her. "Maybe that's just it. Maybe I don't know how to be happy."
She took my hand. "I can help you. All you have to do is say something."
I pulled it away. "I can't, because you're not in my head. You don't get it. To you, you look around, and you see family, the holidays, and all the nice things. You can't understand why I feel so empty. I don't understand."
"Don't say that. I can get it, if you let me." I couldn't look at her anymore, because her face hurt me too much.
I walked to the door. I had to get out of there.
"Where are you going?" she pleaded.
"To get some fresh air."
"Where? To go get drunk, or otherwise high off you ass, so you don't have to think about anything? So you can avoid everything, like always?" she shouted. She wasn't afraid of drawing my family's attention to us anymore. She softened, and sounded like she was crying. It broke my heart. Why did she have to make this so hard? "So you can leave me here, alone?"
I didn't turn back. "That about sums it up," I replied, slamming the door behind me.
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-A/N-
Hey hey, it's ya bitch. Ik, ik, I'm awful. Please take this as my apology: