CHAPTER THRITY SEVEN- Even when you think you are, you're never alone.
I pulled my robe tighter around my body as I slipped out from the covers and the cold air immediately slammed against my skin making goose bumps instantly rise. I heard people come back around three this morning so I suppose nobody really had any motivation then to put the heating on, clean up or anything, which was totally understandable. I tossed my hair on top of my head into a messy and completely rough bun, I slid the hairband from my wrist and secured it around my hair. I took one last look at the sleeping figure of my boyfriend sprawled out across the covers like I was still next to him, bless. Smiling to myself I slowly cracked his bedroom door open and closed it to behind me careful to keep quiet since I knew people had been drinking last night and the last thing I wanted to do was wake anyone with a hangover. The house was dark apart from a dim lamp that had been left on in the living room that I flicked off as I settled myself on the sofa. Niall’s guitar was abandoned on the floor where we had left it last night and the cushions were still on the floor and generally messed up as well where we had been there the night before. After cleaning these up and dumping some rubbish into the kitchen bin I tucked my knees up to my chest as I turned the TV on.
I channel hopped for a few minutes before settling on the news, Niall had been mumbling something in between kisses about going to Dublin today to hit the Boxing Day sales last night but I had pondered whether we’d be able to with the snow, so I was keeping a special ear out for the traffic reports.
I snapped my gaze to the stairs as I heard a door open and then somebody begin to make their way down the stairs. I half expected it to be Niall but it was his Mum, she smiled warmly at me as she reached the bottom, returning the smile.
“Morning Ashley, are you alright dear?”
“Morning, yes I am thanks, you?”
I smiled keeping my ear out for the snow report still. She ran a hand through her hair still returning my smile.
“Oh I’m just fine thanks love. Did you and Niall get in alright last night? I knew he wouldn’t take a key but I can’t stand leaving the door unlocked. He should know what to do in those situations; he’s been in them enough times!”
I let out a light laugh as I fumbled with the ribbon on my robe.
“Yeah we went round the back.”
“Well that’s alright then love. Speaking of the devil is he still asleep? Wake him up if you like; he’ll sleep all day otherwise.”
“It’s alright it’s still early, I’ll let him sleep. He’ll wake up when he’s hungry.”
She nodded laughing at this.
“I can certainly see that happening. Have you and him got any plans for today yet?”
“Well he was saying something about going to Dublin for the sales last night but I’m not sure with this snow.”
She considered this peering back the curtain and weighing up the likelihood of us making it to Dublin in the snow.
“Mmm I suppose it depends how quickly they clear the roads. But you know Niall; he’ll be thinking he can go anywhere anyway.”
“Probably.”
I grinned and she returned it.
“Well I think it’s a bit too cold for my liking. If you’d like anything don’t hesitate to help yourself.”
“Alright thanks.”
I smiled and so did she as she made her way back upstairs.
After channel hopping for another hour I concluded Niall had endured enough sleep now and crept back up the stairs being careful to avoid the creaking floorboard at the top. He was still led exactly as I left him only his hair was slightly more messed up now, which really, just made him look even cuter. Smiling to myself I slipped onto the bed next to him on top of the covers. I took this opportunity to admire my boyfriend as he slept and took the chance to trace my fingers along his naked chest and stomach; his skin was so warm despite the sharp and chilly air. A small smile tugged at the corner of his lips and I smiled too as I carefully arced my body over and gently placed my lips on his as I stared down at him and then startling me his eyes flickered open and he smiled as he stared up at me.
“Well I could get used to waking up to this every day.”
He smirked encircling his hands out of the covers he connected them around my back pulling my body straight into contact with his.
“Mm I bet you could.”
I mused.
“But you know we have not woken up properly yet.”
He wiggled his eye-brows at me slowly sitting up and hugging me closer to him so my legs were either side of his waist he crashed his lips to mine kissing me softly and slightly slower since he had only just woken up.
“Hey Niall you’re up now- Oh! Not the first thing I want to see when I wake up in the morning.”
Greg smirked as he leant in the doorway wearing nothing but boxers. Niall raised his eye-brows as we pulled away and he slid his glance to his smug brother who folded his arms over his chest wiggling his eye-brows at Niall in an accusing and teasing fashion.
“Shut up. What do you want?”
Niall retorted his tone flat and bored as he let his thumbs brush over the skin of my bare legs smoothing over it.
“Nothing really, I just wanted to, you know…Let you know that I heard you last night.”
He chuckled throwing a wink at us and then pushed himself from the doorframe and walked away chuckling loudly to himself. Niall just shrugged smiling slightly as he moulded his lips back to mine the feeling warm and consisting of shocks of soft fire churning in my empty stomach as it dirty-danced licking at my nerves. We pulled away and Niall stared back at me his expression reposing of slight embarrassment as he conveyed that half smirk on his lips. Wiggling his eye-brows he leant forward again resting his forehead on mine as he wrapped a lock of a loose curl around his finger that had escaped my messy bun.
“You’re so beautiful.”
He breathed skimming his lips over mine, gracing my own with their silky presence in one single stroke. A smile quirked at the corner of my lips as I stared back at him, but it was unnerving how when he stared at me so intently it made so many insecurities rise inside of myself. It’s not easy to pretend that I’m completely happy with myself and it’s also not easy to know that you’re a liar when you say that you’re okay. But I guess things never are going to be perfect if I don’t strive to make a difference.
Sending him a weak smile I leant forward and kissed his cheek but before I could pull away he cradled his fingers either side of my chin turning it and smashing his lips onto mine in a slow and simply peck.
“So are you up for Dublin?”
Niall grinned, returning his enthusiastic smile I cast my mind back to the weather reports earlier.
“Sure, there’s only one train going today though, the snow’s pretty bad. It’s not until two.”
He slipped his gaze to the window but it was concealed of the outside world by the curtain, as if it took him a few moments to realise this he looked back to me still smiling.
“Okay, even better. So we’ll go somewhere this morning, get the train to Dublin and have lunch there, sound okay?”
Niall suggested curling his fingers around mine and giving my hand a squeeze. I smiled as he did this and held his hand tighter the fuse already lit with the feeling of his skin so tight against mine, so pure and undeniably heart-warming.
“Sound’s just fine to me.”
I enthused smiling as he reached his free hand up brushing a complete ringlet curl from my eyes and tucking it behind my ear, I was expecting him to say something else but instead he reached his hand further back behind my head and I just sat there wondering what he was doing and then I felt him snag the hair tie that was keeping my messy bun intact, it fell slack resulting in many repeats of the one blonde curl fall down my back in a fresh bounce of curls tumbling down from the roots they were wavy and only got tighter the further they went.
“Awh your hair’s cute when it’s curly.”
He cooed continuing to tamper with it as he pulled his fingers through the unruly curls separating them into two parts and settling them around my shoulders and tucking them behind my ears.
“Are you quite done now?”
I questioned, smirking he examined his handiwork running his fingers through it a few more times before lifting his gaze to mine and swapping his smirk for a stupid grin.
“See, cute and beautiful.”
Niall commented still smiling. I rolled my eyes playfully as I tweaked with it a bit and slipped the hairband he had removed around my wrist giving him a pointed look with a smile he chuckled dropping a sweet kiss onto my forehead making the flame ignite the colour into the black and white world, my black and white world, the only colour that there is there is him. Etching himself in deeper every day, painting on my blank canvas, cathecting me with the emotion and smiles he’s always conveyed somewhere within his demeanour. The type I’d starved myself of for years, it’s simple to find the easy way out in the state of depression. It’s easy to conclude the fact that there never is going to be any colour in your black and white world. It’s not easy to sit there and wait, to hope that maybe one day things will take a radical turn for the better. But I guess the saying always does prove true in the end, good things really do come to those who wait. And then you can watch, watch your palette switch to something brighter and lacking in the grey drone you’ve been so used to.
“You know I think you should quit music and enrol to be a hairdresser, it’s clearly your forte.”
I teased running my fingers through his own messy blonde hair, swishing it from side to side as he just stared back at me as I did this. Smiling I messed it up one more time before leaving it like that and taking both of his hands in mine, pressing our palms flat against each other he smiled at me as I brought my fingers back and forth between the gaps in between his fingers.
“No, that’s my job.”
He chuckled holding my hands stationary and doing the same thing with his fingers.
“And now it’s my job to ask where we’re going this morning.”
I informed him raising my eye-brows as the possibly opportunities ran through my head. Although simple and beautiful and not at all crowded, Ireland provided a lot of natural entertainment. Normally just places to walk, views to glower at and cute coffee shops to indulge in but nonetheless, I probably preferred it to the city rush that is London.
“Well, call me an amateur photographer but I thought that the view from the Castle would be quite the bit picturesque with the snow, but I would have to get my pro photographer of a girlfriend’s opinion on that?”
He queried in a somewhat ‘posh’ voice, I laughed at his tone feeling the excitement bubbling up inside of me already at the thought of having a nice photography session. I had craved for a while to feel the plastic against my skin, the buttons pressing down with my inflicted force and the sound of the shutter. So concluding, completing and utterly impeccable. It was just a routine I would never tire of, and then the printing of the photos at the end, the editing; it was so enticing and rewarding to know that even after long processes the end result can be just as worthy as the journey.
“Why yes Sir Horan I feel this would be a suitable activity.”
I replied in an equally as ‘posh’ tone ridden throughout out my string of words. He grinned as the feel of his fingers underneath my chin wavered over me as he titled it up so my eyes were level with his.
“I’m glad you agree Miss Dawson, I thought you would.”
He grinned gently placing his lips on mine for a few seconds. Smiling I pulled away and unfolded my legs from around him and slipped off the bed making a start for my bags.
“You’re getting dressed already?”
He frowned still lounging in his boxers on his bed running his fingers through his hair.
“Uh huh.”
I replied dismissively as I sifted through my clothes looking for something suitable and warmth providing.
“Awh Ash I’m bored over here…”
He pouted putting on a major puppy-dog face. I rolled my eyes forbidding myself from being pulled in by those eyes with that expression on that boy.
“Awh Niall why don’t you do something productive then?”
He shrugged a mischievous look crossing his face and I stared at him waiting to see if he was going to enforce this demeanour of mischief he was conveying to me right now. I raised my eye-brows and he broke out into a hearty chuckle rocking back and forth with his laughter. I just watched him waiting for any kind of explanation or some kind of happening to assure me that he was the slightest bit normal. Hastily sobering up his laughter and favouring it over with an abrupt clearing of his throat he smirked as he then slid his gaze to my dumbfounded and slightly worried self.
“I could do you?”
He proposed breaking out into laughter again at his own remark. Gasping I picked up the nearest thing to me, which was a cushion, and launched at him, it hit him square in the stomach but he was still laughing.
“Niall! You…Dirty bastard!”
I scolded shaking my head furiously, he, still found himself truly hilarious and I half expected him to start pulling out his phone and fishing through his contacts to spread his proudness of his oh so hilarious remark. Rolling my eyes and still shaking my head I still couldn’t supress or ignore the blush emitting onto my cheeks. Dirty bastard.
“To be honest, I thought that was pretty good, and quick, for me.”
He grinned, his laughter now beginning to subside he went back to lazily lounging on his bed running his fingers through his hair like nothing else was important or required his full attention or effort.
“Oh yeah, that was just full of intellect.”
I remarked sarcastically making him chuckle again. I turned my back so I couldn’t see the smug and cheeky look he was sporting which was undeniably rather attractive. Not that I was going to admit that to him though. Seconds later after a bit more of his muffled laughter I felt his arms wrap around my body from behind, slipping over my shoulders he sunk down lower beginning to press kisses to my jawline again, igniting the colours.
“Awh I’m sorry, but really it’s your fault for making me this way…”
He breathed his breath warm and dense as it strung out his thick accent’s words into my ear flowing like a river on a spring day; it was so smooth, so pure, and so easy to drown yourself in. Immerse yourself in the heartfelt dreaminess that was reposed in simply his voice, and that was just his voice without the rest of him added. That, was unthinkable and way too good for words, way too good.
“Because everything’s always my fault, right Niall?”
I questioned playfulness ridden throughout my tone.
“No,” He shook his head. “Just how beautiful you are.”
He replied grazing his lips against my skin, just the feel of them lightly stroking, nabbing at my skin making me melt. Making feelings fly inside of me, erasing any traces of realization and memory everything was forgotten as he captivated me in nothing but him himself, it was so surreal how he did that, and sometimes, so god damn annoying. Straining my neck I melted my lips onto his the feel of them against mine enough to run off of for days. I felt like an addict, with him as my drug, it’s so surreal how he can draw me into this whole other world, a whole other life away from reality and the problems that are ridden throughout our life. We slowed it down as it got deeper and I slowly let him spin my body around as he sat down on the floor drawing me in closer to him so pretty soon my legs were either side of his waist. Before I had time to hint at the fact that I needed to pull away for air he kissed me harder drawing my body tight to his, our stomachs pressed together.
“Stop…Distracting, me.”
I demanded my breath coming out in long raggedy gasps and the oxygen flooded my system again, he smirked as he caught his own breath reaching a hand up and tracing his fingers along my jawline resting them underneath my chin.
“You know that goes the other way around.”
He taunted and I rolled my eyes as I reluctantly lifted myself from his body and went back to my bags fishing my make-up from my toiletries bag. I was about to draw my foundation from the bottom when it was abruptly ripped away from me, furrowing my brow into a slightly annoyed manor I looked up at Niall narrowing my eyes. Nobody messes with my make-up.
“Err could I have my make-up?”
I questioned motioning for him to hand it to me. He kept his lips set in a straight line as he stared back at me with that intensity and powered look that I had seen before when he was determined about something.
“Nope.”
He forebode popping the p. I stared back at him for a few seconds deciphering what this was exactly. He wasn’t going to give it to me. Biting my lip I looked to my lap before back up at him and his pointed expression.
“Niall I need my make-up.”
I persisted and he shook his head now sitting on his bed he put it behind him so it was out of my sight. Which shamefully made me even more nervous, the thought of not being able to see it or know for sure where it was worried me, that’s how obsessed I am.
“Well that’s a shame cus you’re not having it. Don’t make me watch you put it on or even see you cover up all that natural beauty Ash.”
I pondered on this for a moment and felt my heartbeat quicken at the thought of going out with no make-up; zero. Bare. Naked. Exposed. It took every ounce of willpower I had right now to not break out into nervousness over this. If it had been anyone but Niall I would of freaked out on them right now and snatched it back warning them to never take it away from me and scare me like that again. But he had already won, I could feel my heart telling me to just accept it, to embrace this and make the most out of it. But I don’t want to. A counter voice filled my ears, I clenched my fingers tightly digging my nails into my palm.
“Niall, please.”
I pleaded on instantly scolding myself for persisting like this. I need to strain myself out of my depth sometimes to make progress; I know and have learnt this. But like running, the first few steps are always the hardest. It takes time to build up momentum until you’re really in the game, in the zone, in that moment living for that particular second or day. But right now I didn’t even want to take the first few steps; it was only now normal for Niall to see me on a regular basis without make-up, I had got used to that and learnt not to be so conscious around him because over time it was made clear he saw me as no different. But it wasn’t even him I was worried about, it was other people, people I didn’t’ even know. I’m a people pleaser and I’ll do anything to make myself seem better than I am appearance wise.
“No,” He shot back still that determination dominating his tone. “You’re not going to change my mind Ashley. You look just as and if not more beautiful without this shit and you need to learn to accept that. Even if this is what it takes, did you really think you’d be able to hide behind your make-up forever? Because with me, you can’t and you won’t, okay? I’m sorry if this seems harsh but I think I’ve put up with it for long enough now, okay love? Just see how it goes.”
I just looked at him feeling fear rise inside of me. Make-up was one of the few ways I had to make me feel good about myself and without it how exposed I felt was surreal. Just walking down the street I can’t help but feel that when people look at me, they look at my flaws. Oh look at her she’s so ugly. She needs to wear more make-up. I cannot stand it.
“Fine,” I grumbled avoiding eye-contact with the thief of my concealers of insecurities. “But I’m gonna hate it.”
He smiled lurching forward off of his bed he picked me up from underneath my shoulders.
“That’s ma’ girl.”
He grinned dropping a kiss onto my forehead as he hugged me closer. I was planning on the silent treatment for the next twenty minutes but he was ever pulling me closer so I gave in wrapping my arms around his waist and laying my head on his chest hugging myself closer as he drew me in closer still smiling as he whispered his opinions on my appearance without make-up into my ear.
-
“My feet are about to drop off, I am not even being funny.”
I complained feeling the numbness and pain shooting up my leg with each step I took. Wellies clearly were not the best choice in this temperature.
“…Take them off then?”
Niall suggested and I slid my gaze to him raising my eye-brows.
“Oh yeah I’m just gonna walk around and let it all soak through my socks and pretend I’m just having an ice bath, uh huh.”
He chuckled throwing an arm around my shoulder and pressing a kiss to my temple.
“Oh your sarcasm never gets old.”
He grinned as he pulled me closer to him. I winced slightly as I remembered this was exactly what he had said to me on the day I was re-united with him again after a few months short of a year of that kiss followed by hollow months of emptiness.
“If you didn’t give me so many opportunities to use it, then it wouldn’t even have a chance to get old.”
I shrugged and he smiled seemingly amused by my blunt sarcasm, I didn’t exactly find it necessary, more like an extra that came with my easily unsettled personality.
“Oh baby I love you too.”
He chuckled and I rolled my eyes but leaned up to kiss his cheek anyway. Idiot. He smiled nuzzling himself closer to me he fumbled his lips against my forehead tucking hair underneath my hat.
“Stop here.”
I instructed pulling away from his embrace and beginning to sift through my bag. I smiled to myself as I brought my camera from my bag and powered it up. Niall smiled as he watched me as I fumbled with the buttons and then lifted the strap over my head securing it around my neck I waited for the shutter to resume itself and then bent down on one knee as Niall towered over me watching as I brought it to my eye twisting the lens for focus I smacked my finger down on the button watching as the light reflected off from the snow in the flash and the shutter noise sounded flooding me with relief. But as I snapped a few more shots the unmistakable flash of a professional camera mirrored my own from the foot of the hill. I furrowed my brow as I slowly brought my camera away from my face and stood up. Without saying anything to Niall I lurched forward taking a few steps down the hill to get a better look and instantly smacked a hand to my face covering it as the flash burst out a few more times and then a small-from-here body scrambled into the woods below. Shaking my head I bit my lip as I turned back around starting back up to Niall who was looking rather dumbfounded by my actions.
“What-“
“There’s a pap down there.”
I cut in flatly as I shook my head in pure annoyance and anger that wherever we went we were never alone. It’s Christmas for goodness sake. We’re in Mullingar, Ireland for god’s sake. Some privacy would be nice but no, not a chance. Gritting my teeth I walked ahead of Niall now determined to put more distance between the pap and us. But Niall was soon to catch up with me full of the things he normally was in situations such as these.
“Fucking twats.”
He scowled and I sighed.
“Their photography isn’t even good.”
I muttered.
“Understatement. I’m telling you if they follow us up here then they’ll have a bit of language from me.”
I turned to look at him taking his hand in my own and giving it a squeeze.
“Niall you know you’ll never hear the end of it if you mouth off at them.”
I warned and he shrugged running a hand through his hair which was tainted with snowflakes and looked rather adorable to be honest.
“I know I’ll never hear the end the second I’m seen with you but that doesn’t stop me.”
He shrugged his tone was slightly creeping with frustration but it was mainly just rebellious, the thing he’s been way over indulging us in lately, although it’s not like I can say I mind. Maybe I even like taking a walk on the rebellious side of holding a public relationship with him, or any type of relationship with him.
“Well that’s…That’s different.”
“Is it though Ashley?”
He queried, this really got me. I was just expecting him to agree and move on with the subject but then again agreeing with me and complying with my needs or opinions was obviously not on his number one list today.
“Well yeah…”
“How is it?”
How is it different? Because…Because it is, it’s different because they’re two different things. Mouthing off at paps is a completely different concept to being seen with me, of course it is.
“N-Niall you know why it’s different, it just is.”
“Maybe I do, but I want you tell me why it’s different to you.”
Oh of course. In depth exposing of opinions, my favourite. He stared at me a small smile quirking at his lips as he awaited his answer that he knew he’d get, he always does. Whatever the question is, on a regular basis he will get his answer and if he doesn’t he will the next day or the day after. It’s just one of those things.
“It just is. Okay Niall?”
“No. That was vague, you know you’re becoming the princess of vague lately Ash? It’s not a good look, my love.”
“My love?”
I raised my eye-brows sceptically and he nodded seeming completely seriously.
“Yes, now don’t avoid the question. Why is it different Ash?”
He sung and I rolled my eyes trying to think of a decent answer but none came.
“Because you mouthing off at paps has nothing to do with being seen with me in public?”
“But it kind of does…”
“Why?”
I retorted and he shrugged a small smile making it’s way onto his lips.
“Because I’ll be mouthing off about how they can’t leave you alone and need to stop harassing you.”
“Niall no everyone’s gonna know then.”
“Do I look like I’m bothered? Cus I’m not, I’m proud that you’re my girlfriend.”
Hearing these words of course made an explosion of butterflies burst in my stomach. I’m proud that you’re my girlfriend. But I couldn’t help but question, why? Why was he proud? I’m nothing to be proud of; in all honesty I’m a mess. I have a constant fear of food, I’ve just been kicked out by my own Mother and I honestly have no idea what I’m doing with my life right now. The only thing that feels right now is being with Niall and of course, moving in with Niall. I still can’t get over that, the explosions inside of me flooding me with happiness with that question, those words coming from this boy. It was just so happy it was unexplainable.
“It’s not that simple though is it?”
“Well I think it is.”
“Well it’s not.”
“How so?”
I shrugged biting down on my lower lip. I’m surprised I haven’t intended it by now, I do this so often. His thumb gently caressed over mine soothing and light as he gave my hand a squeeze.
“It’s not simple,” I started. “Because it never is or has been. You know rumours are gonna start flying as usual Niall, there’s gonna be something wrong with me that they won’t hesitate to publish and everyone knows they don’t like me anyway.”
“Okay Ashley first of all who’s they?”
I shrugged.
“Everyone.”
He stopped placing his hand on my jaw cupping my face in his hand he placed his other one on my hip pulling me closer to him as the snow fell lightly around us almost serenading our every move.
“No, that’s not true and you know it. Loads of people like you Ashley, don’t you get it? The press have to form a bad opinion, it gets more readers and money and shit, it’s just totally unfair on you but you know what? It’s okay because I don’t care what anyone has to say about you, about us, or what anyone thinks and you shouldn’t either. So don’t Ash, don’t listen to a word anyone says.”
He assured me pulling me into his chest and hugging me tightly. I could hear the repetitive sound of a shutter sounding, carried in the wind the noise was distant but it was there all the same, hanging in there, always lingering. Just another simple reminder, that we were never alone.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A/N.
so here's the other shitty chapter:L
nothing really goes on and I hate that, like it needs to have drama or at least something happening man.
uggh the next one has moderate-minor drama(;
so the most likely time that there will be a few days where I won't be uploading is gonna be over this weekend coming, cus I'm going to my nanny's and she doesn't live in the 21st centuary and has no wifi like what. "oh I don't need the internet I can phone someone up if I need to know something, it's been years I haven't had that thing waste of time if you ask me." like what are you on? but I love her and she loves me because I'm obvs the best grandaughter you could ever ask for(y)
so I was thinking, right. You know what would be cool? You should all send me questions, Iike about anything, obviously within reason and then I'd pick some and publish them with the answers;o that'd be cool. Who would be interested? aha.
so I just asked my mummy and we're going on thrusdsay so that means my last upload will be on wednesday and then my next one after that will be on monday(: so not too bad;)
see you tomorrow sexy bitches. don't forget to vote/comment etc, love you!<3
-Emily.