"Yes, you should move to Israel."
Alicia jerked out of her daydreaming when she heard Santana. Rachel had inexplicably called a meeting of the glee girls. Alicia had almost ditched before being dragged through the door by Tina, who was growing into herself lately. She was proud of her, but unsure if she wanted to be here for this.
"It's about dating. Not that I'm dating anyone. We all know that Finn and I are no longer an item," Rachel said. Alicia craftily hid a grin. "And for the sake of the team, I broke up with Jesse. But let's just say I was dating someone." Mr. Schue entered the room. No one else noticed. "Let's just say, hypothetically, we went to a Wiggles concert last Friday night, and then because my dads weren't home, we went up to my room and started making out. It was erotic and romantic."
Alicia exchanged an agonized look with Will.
Erotic? What did that word even mean? She felt like Finn now.
Rachel babbled on, recounting her undesirable experience with her hypothetical boyfriend. Apparently the boy (let's call him Jesse, hypothetically) attempted to pressure Rachel into "going all the way." When she refused, Jesse became annoyed and left.
"Would you please stop talking? You're grossing out my baby," said Quinn. Alicia caught an edge of jealousy in her voice. Odd for a girl who was dating Noah Puckerman.
Regardless, Alicia agreed with her. She scrunched her nose. "And me. This isn't doing a lot to keep my lunch down."
"I just want to be ready; I know I'm getting older, and these things are going to happen someday, but how do I stop a guy from getting mad at me for saying "no"?"
Santana shrugged. "Just do what I do. Never say no."
"Oh, totally," Brittany agreed. "I mean, what's the worst that can happen? Sorry, Quinn."
"Look, girl, don't ask me," Mercedes said. "The last guy I liked was the mayor of gaytown. And I can't wait to get a guy mad at me for saying no."
Alicia was horrified. She took a stand in the middle of the room. From her peripheral vision, she noticed Will watching, a similar expression on his face. "This is insane. Are you even listening to yourselves? You can't let a boy define you. It's your body, your choices. If they can't respect that, you deserve better. You all do."
Quinn bit her lip. Regret flashed across her face. For the first time, Alicia realized she didn't know her side of the baby drama. Only Finn's and Noah's. Two boys who were, admittedly, biased.
"We just have to accept that guys don't care about our feelings. Like, the other day, I was walking with Artie . . ." Tina launched into an explanation of Artie objectifying her. Alicia's horror increased. She plopped down onto Tina's lap, wrapping her arms around her shoulders and hugging her.
Santana eyed them. "That's gay. Do I really need to see this? Look, I'm not some perverted straight guy, lesbianism doesn't turn me on."
Alicia glowered. "That's just . . . that's . . . you're . . . ." Trying to out-sass Santana was difficult for a person with average sarcasm. For Alicia, it was impossible. "Boo," she settled for. "You're boo. You know, like at football games, when the visiting team scores and everyone goes boo because they're so upset? That's you. You're the-- the visiting team."
Santana stared blankly. "What the hell is wrong with you?" Alicia was about to answer before she held up a hand. "No. No me gusta. Don't even bother making me suffer through another incoherent rambling session. Look, you've been spending a lot of time with Finnocence, clearly his lack of intellect rubbed off on you from your little schoolgirl crush, but--"
"I don't have a crush on him," Alicia said sharply, stiffening. Tina noticed. Quinn watched her carefully. She pulled away, casually straightening her leather jacket to hide her growing dread. "I don't."
"Please, you're like a cat in heat around him--"
"Hey, guys," Will interrupted. Alicia sighed in relief. Saved by the teacher. "I'm sorry to interrupt your little sorority, but I couldn't help but overhearing. Are you really having that much boy trouble?"
Quinn was bemused. At least she wasn't staring at Alicia anymore. "You wouldn't understand, Mr. Schue. You're a guy."
"Well, then maybe you should talk to someone else about it. Like Miss Pillsbury," he suggested.
"I tried that," Rachel sighed. Alicia's eyes widened. She could only imagine how terribly that could have gone. It was obvious that, due to Miss Pillsbury's unique condition, she was likely uncomfortable with . . . intimacy. That was probably why she pulled away from Mr. Schuester so much.
The school bell rang shrilly. The girls gathered their belongings, including Alicia. Quinn approached their director. "The fact is that women still earn seventy cents to every dollar that a man does for doing the same job. That attitude starts in high school."
As the other girls filed out of the choir room, Alicia hesitated. Her fingers nervously picked at the strap of her bag, eyes downcast as she walked up to Will. "You won't tell Finn, right? What-- what Santana said."
"No. Of course not. But . . ." Will paused. This must be difficult for him. "Is it true? Do you two . . . do you . . .?"
Alicia swallowed hard. "I need to get to class. Thank you, Mr. Schue." She fled from the choir room, ignoring when he called after her. Running from your problems was rarely a brilliant idea, but sometimes, it was the only viable option.
As Alicia headed towards class, Santana cut in front of her. She froze. "Is there something I can help you with?"
Santana smirked. "Oh, no. I'm just giving you a warning. I'm sweet like that." She leaned closer, dropping her voice to a whisper. "Your little thing for Finn? Not gonna work out. I kind of think I'm more his type, don't you?"
When Alicia didn't answer, she continued. "I mean, obviously he has some kind of weird hobbit kink on alternate Wednesdays. Just look at you and Rachel. I try not to, 'cause it hurts my eyes, but still. He'll always go back to cheerleaders. That's how it works with football players."
Alicia lowered her gaze. Her yellow converse were not the most fascinating sight, but it was easier than facing Santana. "Finn's my best friend," she whispered. She wanted so badly to be lion-hearted like Kurt and Quinn, but when it came to confrontation, she shied away. "That's all he is."
"Try convincing yourself that." The bell rang again. Santana brushed past, purposely smacking her shoulder into Alicia's. She stared after her.
Convince yourself.
Easier said than done.
. . .
Personally, Alicia thought Madonna Week was a wonderful idea. Not only was she excited for Kurt's multimedia project, but morale had been low within New Directions.
Which led to where Alicia was now. Feet propped up on Finn Hudson's cluttered desk, blonde hair slung across the back of his chair as she slunk deeper into it. "I have no idea what song I'm going to sing for this week's assignment," she said. "Individually, I mean. I know I sang Express Yourself with the other girls earlier, but . . . I really want to do something on my own. Oh! Maybe you could sing with me?"
Silence. Alicia spun the chair around. Distress filled her as she noticed Finn laying face down on his bed, head buried into a pillow as he groaned loudly. She blinked. "Okay, I can ask Kurt or Tina."
"It isn't that." Alicia waited patiently as he sat upright, pulling the tattered pillow off his face. "I was talking to Santana earlier and--" Finn cut himself off, happiness suddenly chasing away his dread. "Wait! If I sing some song with you, can you help me out, too?"
"I don't need payment to help you, dork."
"Dork? Dork? You're the one who wears Supergirl pajamas."
"I told you that in confidence!"
Finn rolled his eyes before scooting to the end of his bed, feet smacking against the floor. Those long legs. "I need a favor. Uh, Santana kind of . . . asked me out, I guess? You know, but not on a date."
Hello, darkness, my old friend. That explained Santana's confrontation two days prior. She had feelings for Finn. Alicia couldn't understand this. Not why Santana liked Finn -- that, she understood all too well -- but why she had to hear about it. This was torture already.
"How can you ask someone out without making it a date?" Maybe they could try that.
"Well, I mean, it's a date! Just not, y'know, the kind that has lots of talking." At Alicia's blank stare, he sighed. "She wants to have sex with me. Friday night."
Maybe not.
"Oh," she said calmly. Thirty seconds later, it sank in. Alicia shot out of Finn's chair, nearly tripping over her own two feet. "What?!"
Finn blushed scarlet, scratching the back of his neck. Suddenly, Alicia couldn't quit looking at him. His big, innocent eyes and those occasionally infuriating half-smirks; messy brown hair and legs longer than the heavy scarves Kurt adorned; hoodies and striped sweaters paired with loose jeans and worn sneakers. Less than five months, and she already knew him too well.
Santana Lopez was going to know him even better.
"You didn't-- you couldn't have possibly accepted, right, Finn?" When he said nothing, panic seeped in. This was not good. This was very, very bad. Worse than bad. Not that any appropriate adjectives came to mind from how frazzled she was. "This is your first time, Finn. You can't possibly waste it with a girl who only insults you."
"She's my friend."
"She's your--" Alicia choked. "I'm your friend."
Finn blinked. "Wait, are you saying you want to have sex with me?"
Her blush made his appear halfhearted. "I-I didn't-- you don't-- we-- you're my--" Alicia sputtered incoherently. With each passing second, her blush only deepened. Traitor blood. "This isn't about me, Finn!" she forced out, voice nearly raising to a shriek.
He blinked again.
Once she quit feeling like she was going to keel over, Alicia took a deep breath. "This is about you. Your first time should be with someone who loves you and you love in return. You shouldn't spend it on someone you aren't even dating, especially not after the Quinn incident."
"Thanks for the reminder," he muttered.
"I don't want you to get hurt."
Finn exhaled, standing abruptly. "Look, Alicia, I really appreciate your concern and everything, but this is normal, okay? Guys younger than me have lost their-- they've-- well, you know! My own girlfriend did it with my best friend instead of me. If I don't take this opportunity, I'm gonna die a virgin."
Alicia was quiet. "There's always . . . Kurt?" Not her. She wasn't near ready. She wasn't ready for anything like that yet, not even with Finn. She didn't want his body but she hated to think about him with somebody else.
"What?!"
"What? No. Nothing. Kurt doesn't have a crush on you. Anyway," she asserted. She stepped forward until there was less than six inches between them. "Finn, you can't even say it without stuttering. I'm sure that's a pretty good sign you aren't ready."
Finn looked away. There was an internal war raging on in his head, she could tell. He'd never admit it, but he cared more about his reputation than anyone else in New Directions. Even Quinn. Perceptions of him meant too much, and that led to making reckless decisions to satisfy how they wanted him to be.
Alicia took a deep breath. This wasn't about her or what she wanted. "Enough of my lecture on morality. You implied you needed my help?"
"Right. I . . . I really don't wanna mess this up. With her."
"If you're looking for advice on sleeping with Santana, Brittany probably knows more than I do."
"Ali."
Alicia bit the inside of her cheek. She needed to be careful. If she wasn't, she might cross the fine line between "concerned friend" and "jealous psychopath." Not that she was crazy, despite the Adele song she'd sung. She was worried. In more ways than one. "Sorry. Continue."
Finn buried his face in his hands, letting out a disgruntled groan. "I don't wanna offend her or anything, or make her think I'm only in it for the sex. I'm not . . . I don't want my first time to be some random hookup."
"Then wait. Wait for the right person."
He didn't hear her. "Should I buy her dinner after? Or before? Wait, no, after. Eating before . . . that is probably a bad idea. Okay, so dinner after? And then we--"
Alicia plugged her ears with her fingers. In another circumstance, she might have laughed at herself. Not now. Her stomach was twisting in disgust and something else, some cross between jealousy and pain that made her eyes sting and her thoughts race too quickly. "Finn, I'm really not the right person to ask about this." Her voice sounded distant. Detached.
Finn frowned. "Sorry. I don't wanna make you uncomfortable, I just . . . wait, are you plugging your ears?"
"Do you know what I do in my free time?"
He shook his head.
Alicia lowered her hands once she was sure he wouldn't start discussing sex with Santana again. That uncomfortable twisty feeling was present, but she tried to to ignore it. "I watch Disney movies. Not DCOMs, either, but like . . . Pixar and stuff. My favorite is Mulan. I just watched it last night. I'm not suited for chitchats about . . . advanced hugging."
"Noted." Finn pressed his lips together. A beat passed. "But let's say, hypothetically, you were--"
Alicia jumped up. "Finn, I'm sorry, I can't-- I need to get home." Was it normal to taste your lunch? The flavor of salad paired with ranch dressing with stubbornly rising up her throat. Oh, God. She did not want to hurl all over her best friend's bedroom. "Really, you should ask Brittany. She knows more than I do. I just-- I can't listen to this."
Finn frowned. "Is this really about . . . sex? Or is it--?"
She didn't find out what he was going to ask. She didn't want to. Alicia shrugged her jacket on, snatching her bag from his floor. "I'll call you tonight. I'm sorry I couldn't help more."
Alicia marched out, converse-clad feet smacking against the stairs. She nearly collided with Carole in her haste. "Oh, gosh, I'm so sorry."
Carole laughed. "It's fine, I--" She paused, squinting. "Alicia, are you all right? You look nauseated."
Was it that obvious? Alicia felt her face burn. That wasn't doing much to soothe the sudden ache in her stomach and chest. "I'm fine, I'm fine, I just--" She was stumbling over her words and tripping over her feet as she rushed to the door. "I need to go. Sorry again. For almost mowing you down and everything."
"Sweetie--?"
"Have a nice evening." She sounded curtly professional to her own ears. Cringing, Alicia exited the Hudson house as fast as she could. She didn't slow her clumsy pace until she was right outside her own home nearly half an hour later.
Once she was safely secured in her own room, cats surrounding her, Alicia grabbed a pillow. She stared at it. Then she buried her face in it and screamed as loud as she could.
. . .
The week passed as it normally did. Alicia spent an afternoon chatting with Tina at their favorite pizza parlor. She listened to Kurt discuss his multimedia project, occasionally chiming in with opinions or praise. She ate dinner every night with her mom, who seemed strangely insistent on being home in time for the meal now. She phoned Finn while working on homework afterwards. All was normal.
Yet she felt anything but normal.
As Friday night (the evening of Finn and Santana's "date") came, Alicia impulsively agreed to a sleepover with Kurt. They watched RENT and Moulin Rouge together, and she almost felt like herself again, the sickly feeling briefly fading.
Until "Come What May."
It was a beautiful song. Nothing to feel ill over. Kurt had shed a few tears, and sniffled in a self-deprecating fashion before saying, "God, I love their love. I wish I had something like that, don't you?"
Alicia stiffened. Too late, she'd noticed tears absently trailing down her own cheeks. She pursed her lips, wiping them away impatiently with the sleeve of her black sweater. "I do," she had whispered. "But I'm sure you're going to get that someday, Kurt. Someone is going to love you, heart and soul."
He'd muttered something painfully similar to, "Not likely." Before she could pester him, he'd changed the subject, instead remarking on the material of Satine's outfit.
She had been sick the entire weekend, locking herself in her room to work on original songs she had no interest in showing anyone. There were no angst-ridden melodies; instead, she focused on finishing incomplete songs. Most of them hurt to write, but she persevered. There was no way she was going to spend two days moping.
She hadn't heard from Finn since Friday morning.
And now here they were. Monday afternoon.
Alicia froze in the choir room doorway. Finn was standing at the piano, flipping through sheet music. The rest of the glee club was already present. Rachel and Quinn were sitting together, talking quietly. Something Rachel said caused surprise to flicker across the other girl's face, followed by a small smile. Noah watched with furrowed brows.
This was the only rehearsal where she wasn't the first person to arrive. All because of her procrastination. She needed to step up. Finn was free to do whatever he wanted.
Taking a deep breath, Alicia warily approached the piano. "Hi."
Finn glanced up, a wide smile appearing. One of those uninhibited grins that people only flashed around those they trusted most. "Hey."
Vaguely, she wondered if he was happy because of Santana. She shuddered. "How-- how was your date Friday night?" she asked, careful to keep the horror from her voice.
He faltered. He glanced back, attention lingering on Rachel before switching back to Alicia. "Honestly? I don't feel any different. It . . . it didn't mean anything."
Alicia blinked. Should she feel relieved? It was difficult to. Eternal optimism caused her to fruitlessly hope he hadn't gone through with it. This was confirmation he had and the uncomfortable twisting she'd grown familiar with returned.
Finn shrugged, shoving his hands into his pockets. "Maybe you were right."
"Do you regret it?" The question slipped out without her permission.
He thought about it. "Kind of. It didn't mean enough for me to really feel anything about it, but I guess I kind of wish I'd waited for the right person."
"Who do you think the right person is?"
Finn stared. Their eye contact dragged on enough that Alicia felt her cheeks warm, traitor blushes nearly giving her away again. She was the first to look down -- just in time to see him grasp her hand. "Come on. Let's go sit down."
She let him lead them to two empty chairs near the front of the club. Even once they were sitting, he didn't let go of her hand. She didn't have the inclination to pull away.
They were okay. Finn and Santana's fling still bothered Alicia somehow, disapproval and shades of jealousy gnawing at her subconscious. But she would repress it, grin and bear it as if nothing was wrong. At the end of the day, they were still Finn and Alicia. That's what mattered.
Just for a moment, they were together. Just for a moment, they were happy. She wanted them to really look at each other.
. . .
When Jesse spontaneously joined New Directions, Alicia immediately went on the defensive. She noticed how his presence unnerved Finn and her natural protectiveness kicked in. She would've reacted this way if Kurt or Tina were upset, and besides, she could see Finn's point. Former lead vocalist of Vocal Adrenaline suddenly joining New Directions was suspicious, but Will was painfully optimistic.
Normally, Alicia would've been, too. But her gut feeling was distressed.
"I don't understand why you're doing this," Rachel said.
"Because when you love something, you've got to go for it," Jesse explained. "You would never be with me completely if I were on the opposing team. And I care about you more than winning another national title. So I left Vocal Adrenaline. For you."
Alicia, Finn, and Quinn all mimed gagging at once. The three exchanged an alarmed look when they noticed, before shrugging it off. Creepy, but not as troublesome as Jesse's sudden presence.
"All right, guys, we have got a lot of work to do. Jesse, great to have you here," Mr. Schue chirped. He's lying, Quinn mouthed at Jesse. "Welcome aboard. Okay! From the top."
Once extensive rehearsals eventually died down, Alicia cornered Jesse. Mr. Schue had slipped out moments before, claiming he needed to ask Miss Pillsbury something. The other glee clubbers departed, Kurt and Mercedes conspiring under their breath. Finn leaned against the door frame, scowling at their latest member, but other than him, Alicia and Jesse were alone.
"You aren't going to hurt Rachel," Alicia said. It wasn't a question.
Jesse blinked. He glanced around, as if making sure Alicia was actually speaking to him. "Um. No," he finally said. "I have no intention to do so. Our budding love is the beginning of something monumental. True, epic romance. I wouldn't give it up for the world. Maybe a fourth consecutive national championship. But not the world."
Alicia's scowl complemented Finn's. "That isn't funny. Rachel is . . . special. Not fragile, she's one of the strongest girls I know, but she's not like everyone else. She isn't cold."
He raised his brows. "And I am?"
"You tell me."
Jesse chuckled, crossing his arms. "Listen, Goldie Locks. I have no intention of hurting Rachel. I care about her more than you know. So please, do us all a favor and run off with that giant you seem permanently attached to. I have vocal warm-ups to practice."
Alicia set her jaw. She felt Finn watching them and hoped he wouldn't intervene. Handling boys like Jesse was her specialty. "We care about Rachel, too. That's why I'm--"
"But not as much as you care about each other." At Alicia's stunned sputtering, Jesse tilted his head and smiled dryly. "Rachel tells me everything. I know more than enough about you, Alicia, and Finn." He nodded towards the doorway. Crap. She'd hoped he hadn't noticed Finn. "She isn't as oblivious as you believe. If you two really cared about her, you would quit flaunting your "friendship" in front of her, knowing how she used to feel about him."
She narrowed her eyes. "We haven't flaunted anything. And you're wrong. You both are." For once, she almost sounded like she believed it, too. Not enough. Humor was evident in Jesse's bored gaze. "I just want to make sure you don't break her heart."
"I would never."
She eyed him doubtfully.
"Would it help if I swore on my collection of celebrity autobiographies?" Noticing Alicia's confused expression, he hastened to explain. "I enjoy reading them to collect tips for my own career. I'm getting out of Lima soon, going to UCLA. That's in Los Angeles."
"So you're leaving next year."
"I'm leaving next year," he echoed. "But I have confidence that, by then, the budding affection between Rachel and I will have expanded into something much more serious that time nor distance have control over. Now, do you mind? I really must go. These vocals don't perfect themselves."
Jesse slipped out as Finn appeared by her side. "I really hate that guy."
Alicia stared after him, frowning. "Surprisingly? I don't." As Finn stammered, she shushed him, linking her arm through his. It was much more difficult than it was with Kurt, considering their height difference, but she tried. "Shh, shh. Just come on." She led him out of the choir room. The door clicked decisively shut behind them.
. . .
"There is nothing more empowering than belting out a Madonna number with Mercedes Jones with a bunch of Cheerios dancing around us."
Alicia laughed, tucking her head into Kurt's shoulder. She was becoming surprisingly touchy-feely with Finn, Kurt, and Tina lately. Originally, she had been distant, afraid of getting attached. By now, she knew it was too late to avoid that. She should make the most of it. "You guys were amazing. If you weren't very, very gay, I would probably crush on you just from your vocals."
Kurt flushed. "Do you think Finn--?"
Her smile faded. Luckily, her face was still buried enough that he couldn't see it. "The fabric of this uniform seems so scratchy, though. Isn't it itchy? Don't you have naturally sensitive skin?"
"Let's just say, I've endured far more moisturizing rituals than usual lately. But it's all worth it. Mercedes and I are finally one with the popular kids. No jocks shoving us into lockers or tossing us into dumpsters, no slurs tossed from pretentious straight boys who will someday work at a rendering plant. None of that."
Alicia's smile gradually returned. "I'm happy for you, Kurt. Both of you." She lifted her head, about to say something else until she noticed Finn, Jesse, and Rachel across the hall.
She squeezed Kurt's hand. "I have to go see something. Can we finish talking at lunch?"
Kurt followed her gaze and heaved a sigh. "If you're going crazy over Jesse St. James, too, I may never forgive you." Alicia cringed, fast to spill denials, but he wasn't listening. He placed a soft kiss on her cheek; the kind usually reserved for Mercedes. "I'm sitting with the Cheerios at lunch, but maybe after cheerleading practice?"
Alicia blinked. "Okay. I--" Before she could finish, Kurt slipped away to catch up with Brittany and Santana. She didn't waste time staring after them, pushing through the sea of teenagers to reach the three people she was most interested in right now.
"Okay, Finn," Jesse was saying. "I know we have a big showdown coming, so let's just decide on the arena. Sing-off, the parking lot. 5:00. Be there."
"No," Rachel whined.
Finn paused. For an alarming moment, Alicia almost thought he would agree to the proposition. Thankfully, he extended his hand, seemingly without intention of swinging at Jesse. "Welcome to New Directions. Frankly, I need you. I'm tired of carrying the male vocals all by myself. I'll do my best to stay away from your girl."
"I appreciate that. She's a keeper."
Alicia moved into view. Finn's attention snapped to her at once, as if he was somehow programmed to automatically notice her. She faltered, her smile appearing both wry and proud. There was a persistent fluttering in her chest; one that steadily increased the longer their eye contact remained intact. Rachel and Jesse both glanced between the two. Rachel narrowed her brows while Jesse's infamous smirk returned.
Reluctantly, Finn looked to Jesse. "Walk with us to the auditorium?" Us. Initially, she assumed he meant Rachel. Until his gaze landed on Alicia. "I put together a new Madonna number. We'll talk you through it on the way."
Us. We'll. As if they were a dynamic duo.
"Sweet," Jesse answered.
Alicia and Finn fell into step with Jesse, each on either side of him. The two best friends exchanged a lingering look; one filled with words better left unsaid, especially as she understood none of them yet. As well as she knew Finn, she couldn't interpret what message he was trying to send.
Leaving Rachel staring after them, the three walked away. Alicia glanced back at her and noticed Quinn Fabray leaning against a row of lockers. She was watching Rachel silently. This continued until Noah appeared behind her, whispering in her ear and jolting Quinn out of her daze.
Rachel regarded Quinn and Noah. The disgruntled expression that should've been reserved for Finn and Jesse leaving without her was present. Alicia knew that look well. She'd worn it for days.
Jealousy.
"Ali? Everything okay?"
Alicia looked over at Finn. He was her best friend. Everyone knew this. But maybe Rachel and Quinn weren't the only two obvious people around here. There was a knowing edge to Jesse's smirk now.
She forced a smile. "I'm always okay."
If Jesse snickered, neither remarked on it.
. . .
( dun dun dun! hello, jesse st. james! i've been looking forward to writing alicia and jesse's dynamic for a long time, and i'm so happy the time has finally arrived. thank you all so much for reading. i know i don't always reply to comments, but i promise you, i read them all (often more than once as i'm a huge dork) and they mean the world to me. thank you. )