As I pull up to Matty's house, saddnes beings to wash over my body. Why the hell did this happen? Why the hell am I even here? Am I really about to listen to what he has to say to me? This man, who claims that he loved me, cheated on me. How do you cheat on someone that you love? Depsite the fact that I know this is a bad idea, I have to hear what he has to say.
If he is honest and apologizes for everything, then I will forgive him. Pam is right about all of this. How do I expect for him to forgive me if I won't even forgive him? Everything is forgivable.
I ring the doorbell and wait to hear his footsteps like I always do. The soft patting of his feet from the other side can be heard, and my stomach instantly drops. Right as i'm about to turn away, Matty opens the door and meet me with those blue eyes that I love so much.
"Hi." He says breathlessly.
"Hey." I say, just as softly as he did.
"Do you want to come in?" He asks, opening the door a bit wider and welcoming me in.
"That would be a pretty big waste of a drive if I weren't going to come in." I tease, giving him a small smile and stepping inside. He has a fire started in the fireplace, and soft instrumental music playing softly in the background.
"It's getting pretty cold outside. I am trying to keep my electric bill down by running the fireplace, but I still think it's pretty cold in here." He says awkwardly.
"I was freezing outside. My car wouldn't warm up, either. So that didn't help." I laugh. Goosebumps form on my arms, and I know it's not from the cold air. I'm just too nervous to even function right now.
"You've got goosebumps. Come here, we can sit on the couch. I'll get you a blanket." He says, guiding me over to the couch that holds so many memories. Memories of the first time I came over to his house flood my mind, and sadness washes over me once again.
"Thank you." I say, nearly in a whisper.
"Do you want something to drink? I have a little bit of everything. I can make us some hot chocolate if you want? I remember you talking about that one brand that you thought was so good. I bought some for us to share a few weeks ago. But, you know. Oh, and I even got these little snowmen marshmallows and peppermint straws that-" He rambled, mind and mouth going a hundred miles a minute.
"Matty, slow down." I laugh, placing my hand on his leg without even really realizing what I was doing. I pulled away as quickly as I could and cleared my throat, "Uhm, yeah. Hot chocolate sounds good." I say, trying my hardest to get over this awkward energy.
"Yeah, okay. Sure, I'll be right back. I mean, you can come into the kitchen if you want to. It might be a few minutes and-"
"I'll help you." I say, realizing that he is definitely more nervous than I am right now.
Matty leads us into the kitchen and starts to grab all of the ingredients he needs to make our drinks. I can see his shaky hands grab the box as he uses his other hand to run his fingers through his hair. This is a nervous trait he has, and he doesn't ever try to hide it.
"How have you been?" I ask.
"Uh, good. Really good. Just staying busy, you know." He says, pouring water into a pan and igniting the flame on the stovetop. "How about you?"
"Well, i've been better." I admit, "But i've been good for the most part. I went back to the diner, so that's keeping me pretty busy. School is still going well. I have straight A's so far. Hopefully I can keep those up." Telling Matty all of this seems so...off. It has only been a few weeks. Why does it feel like so much longer?
"I think your grades will do just fine. You're smart. Way smarter than anyone that I know." He says, giving me a small smile.
"Thank you." I mumble in response, not knowing how to accept his compliment.
"Listen, Candace. I really want to talk about what happened before. I...I'm sorry. I have no idea what the hell came over me. I fucked up. I majorly fucked up. I can say that i'm sorry a million times, and it still won't make what I did any better. I love you and-"
"Don't say that. Please, don't say that." I beg, covering my ears on instinct.
"Don't say what? That I love you?"
"Yes! Don't say that to me. You can't say that to me after everything you did."
"Okay, but it's true. I fucking love you, Candace. You don't have to believe me but it's true." He looks at me with sad, puppy dog eyes. I can't let those eyes get to me. I can't.
"Okay, well I don't believe that it is. Matty, you lied to me. I trusted you and you lied to me. You have told me time after time that there was nothing going on between the two of you. You told me, and I honestly believed it! I believed that there wasn't anything going on because I trusted you! You lied to me, Matty!" I yell, letting my emotions completely take over.
"I know I lied to you, baby. I know, and i'm sorry."
"No, Matty! You can't just continue to lie to me about all of this and expect everything to be okay! It's not okay! If you loved me as much as you said that you did, then cheating wouldn't ever be something that you would even consider! What, am I not good enough? I know she is pretty and blonde and skinny but i'm pretty damn great too!" Tears are streaming down my face and I don't even try and stop them.
"Candace, I had a moment of weakness. I am sorry, okay? There is nothing I can do but tell you that I'm sorry." He explains, trying his hardest to stay calm.
"Okay, well you have done a pretty shitty job of showing it! I mean, after everything she did to you, you are still hanging out with her? I mean, really? How am I supossed to believe that you don't have feelings for her and that there is nothing going on when she's over here posting fucking pictures of the two of you smiling and laughing!" I yell, immediately regretting the words.
He stops what he's doing and turns to look at me with a confused expression on his face.
"Okay, well what about you? Huh? What about the pictures that are being posted of you?" He spits back. What should have been a civil conversation is now a full blown argument. I blame myself for the start of it, but he definitely has plans of finishing it.
"What are you talking about?"
"Oh, don't act dumb with me. I have seen all of the pictures that your ex boyfriend posted of the two of you. I know it's recent too, because you were wearing the necklace that I got for you in Vail. What, we break up so you just go for him instead? You're really going to be that petty? Like he's any better for you than I am?"
"Excuse me, i'm being petty? No, I am not. I didn't post the picture. He did. We were really good friends before we dated and we realized that our relationship didn't even feel real. It felt forced. He has a girlfriend now! And for the record, he didn't post some mushy little love confession for me as the caption! I mean, He has been by my side for years now, and it doesn't stop here? Real fucking original." I spit out.
"Okay, maybe he didn't. Oh, and for the record, that's an old ass fucking picture that she posted! That picture is nearly two years old. I haven't taken a single picture with her!" He yells, defending himself.
"Yeah, that's right. Kind of hard to take a picture when you're too busy sticking your tongue down her throat!"
"You know what, Candace? You are being fucking childish right now. I wouldn't have to explain myself and that fucking picture if you would just mind your own damn business. I don't like Haley. I don't love Haley. I feel sorry for Haley, okay? She doesn't have anyone but me, and I felt bad for her. I told her to delete the picture because I had a fucking feeling that you were going to be stalking her Instagram page every second you had a chance to." His words feel like a knife to the fucking chest.
"Oh, so you did try and hide it? This is exactly why I can't trust you!" I yell, getting up from the counter's bar stool. I am leaving. I am not about to sit here and listen to him lie to me and blame me for finding more of his lies.
"No, you're not leaving. You can't just run away from all of our problems, Candace. We were in a relationship. We have to fight about shit and talk it out and move on. I'm not just going to let you go this easily, okay? Whether you like it or not, I am going to try and fix this with you because I actually believe in us." He yells, squickly moving infront of the kitchen door and blocking my exit.
"You just admitted to trying to hide Haley's picture from me! You just admitted it!" I yell, pushing him away from me.
"Yes, because I know that it was going to make you think the worst possible scenario in your head! I knew it was going to fucking hurt you, Candace. So, I told her to delete it. I knew you were going to be checking all of our accounts for new posts because you fucking love me! You don't want to admit it, but you love me. I was checking your account and all of your friend's accounts because I fucking love you! I wanted to see if you were okay. I wanted to see that you were safe! But instead, all I saw was pictures of you and that fucking dick, Kristian!" He yells, voice straining with clear frustration.
"I don't have to think about the worst possible scenario because that scenario already happened! You. Cheated. On. Me. Not the other way around! You don't get to go and accuse me and Kristian of having any sort of romantic connection just because you're too insecure! You know, you and your family may be used to getting what you want because everything has been handed to you, but you aren't going to get me! I have a little more self respect."
"Really? Hey, just because I have money and nice things doesn't mean that I haven't worked hard for what I have!"
I instantly feel bad for throwing his money in his face. But, of course, I refuse to go back on my word and just continue to shove my foot even further down my throat. "I know you work hard, Matty. But-"
"No, you know what, i'm done with this. I wanted to have a civil conversation in hopes to get you back and all we are doing is fighting. You know, maybe I do get everything that I want in life handed to me. Is that so fucking bad? Is it bad that I have money? Is it bad that I am working hard so I can provide for a family in the future? Just because you don't have shit to show that you have worked hard doesn't mean that you can talk down on me for having the opposite! You know what else, for someone who is saying that we never have to work for anything, you sure did spend a lot of time around us! Just because your dad and your is shitty, doesn't mean you have to take it out on us!"
If looks could kill, Matty would be dead. I push past him and grab my sweater from it's spot on the back of the couch.
"Candace, wait."
"No. You know what? Fuck. You. Matty. You really are a fucking dick, you know that? I know that my life is shitty. I know my dad is shitty. But you know what? This is the fucking hand I was dealt, so I have to fucking live with it! I'm not jealous of you or your family, and you know, I'm sorry for what I said. It didn't come out the way I wanted it to but you know what else? I'm glad I fucking said it. If I hadn't have said it, I would have never known your true feelings about me and the way your view my life. So, excuse me. I have to go home to my shitty dad and my shitty life. Thanks for the fucking reminder."
I walk out the door and slam it shut on my way out, not even caring at the slight crack that I hear.