*Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles franchise.
*Author's Notes: Today marks the one-year anniversary of me posting the epilogue of 'Lost in the Fight.' In honor of the special occasion, I've returned with a new bonus chapter and this one is yet another tearjerker.
I had numerous requests for a Casey flashback scene and I have to admit I loved the excuse to add another chapter to 'LITF.' This installment takes place between chapter 20 ('Raph's Regrets') and chapter 21 ('Mikey's Mistakes'), so I guess that makes it chapter 20 ½.
Oodles and oodles of thanks to my amazing creative consultant, Captain Vegeta, and my equally amazing beta reader, Joanne N. Grey. Without these two girls' help, I wouldn't be posting.
I hope everyone likes this new part. Thank you for reading. ;) CJ
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Chapter 20 ½ – Casey's Confession ('LITF' Bonus Chapter #2)
The lab doors seemed heavier than normal.
Actually, the whole lair did...
From the moment Casey Jones had stepped foot through the turnstiles, he had felt this sinking feeling. Almost like someone had kicked gravity up a couple notches or secretly added weights to his pockets when he wasn't looking. Either way, things didn't feel right.
There had been no one around to greet him when he arrived. Normally, at least one of the brothers would be hanging out in the main living space of the lair, playing video games or watching TV, but the room was completely vacant. There were no sounds of sparring coming from the Dojo or chattering from the kitchen to indicate that anyone was close by. It was as though the place was completely empty, but Casey knew better.
The family hadn't left the lair for days now. Not since the night of the attack, or so Casey had been told. Everything he knew about the incident was based on hearsay at this point. He hadn't actually gone down into the sewers since it had happened. Not because he didn't want to be there for his friends. It was nothing like that at all. It was just that every time he thought he'd gotten up the guts to go see them, he wound up chickening out at last second and going back home with his hockey stick hung between his legs.
For reasons he didn't want to admit, he just couldn't bring himself to face his friends. At least, not until today, when he received word from April that there were finally some signs of improvement. This small bit of good news gave Casey just the boost of courage he needed to make an appearance.
Although, now that he was standing there, listening to the faint sound of a heart monitor drifting out from inside the laboratory, he wasn't so sure it was enough courage.
He knew this was going to be difficult...
Too many memories...
Doing his best to suck it up, Casey pried the lab doors open just far enough so he could slide his thin frame through. Once inside the lab, he found Raphael stooped over in a chair, resting his head on the edge of the cot his wounded brother was laid out on.
It was then that reality hit the lanky teenager like an extended cab pickup truck hauling a half-ton of bricks.
"Oh, man. Red told me it was bad, but – " The sentence was just left hanging for lack of words. Granted, Casey had a rather limited vocabulary in the first place, but even if he was some kind of scholarly-type whiz kid with a full grasp on the English language, Casey was fairly certain he still wouldn't be able to describe what he was seeing. It was way worse than he had pictured in his head, and he had seen some pretty gruesome stuff in his day.
Donnie looked like someone had clubbed the living heck out of him with a sledgehammer. Every part of the genius turtle that Casey could see was either bruised or bandaged.
Dragging his feet along, Casey slowly approached the cot. His awkward movements made it look as though some unseen force was trying to hold him back, almost like he was possessed, but Raphael never even noticed Casey's strange behavior. His just kept his forehead pressed against the mattress. Well, up until Casey finally spoke.
"How's he holding up?"
The question instantly made Raph's spine straighten so he was sitting bolt upright.
That's when Casey saw Donnie wasn't the only brother in tough shape. The rims of Raphael's puffed-up eyes matched the color of his mask, but Casey was currently more focused on the anger emerging in the fierce, green orbs glaring at him.
"How's it look like he's holding up?"
There was far more bitterness in Raph's tone than Casey had expected. Sure, Raph was always a bit of a... hothead, but Casey had mistakenly assumed his friend would be more down in the dumps than up in arms.
"Uh, is somethin' wrong, Raph?"
"Did you seriously just ask me if something's wrong?" With a mix of incredulity and aggravation written on his face, Raph flicked his wrist at his unconscious brother to stress that there was indeed something very, very wrong.
For a second, the temperamental turtle wondered how his friend could possibly be so insensitive, but then, he remembered this was Casey Jones he was talking to.
Duh!
"Sorry. Stupid question. My bad."
"It's been six days, Casey. I sent you like a dozen messages. Where the shell have you been?" There was a sharp edge to Raphael's voice, but it projected more hurt than anger. Casey figured it probably wasn't an appropriate moment to point out that Raph had only texted him four times. Not unless he wanted to end up like poor Donnie.
"I – I know, man. I've just been – " Once again, words failed him. Casey just stared at Raph, slack-jawed and uncharacteristically mute.
"You've just been what? Too busy to come down here? Like you had more important things to do? Do you have any idea how hard this has been?"
The last question caused the black-haired teenager to dip his head down, just trying to focus on anything other than his red-masked friend's accusing eyes.
Casey totally understood why Raph was so upset, but Raph literally had no clue why Casey was.
What the turtle in red didn't realize was that Casey knew far too well just how hard it had been.
"Well, aren't you gonna say something?" All the rage currently pouring out of Raph was nothing more than a false front. A means of hiding what he was really feeling inside: fear.
"I'm sorry. It's – It's complicated, okay?"
"Complicated? Your I.Q. is lower than your shoe size! How complicated can it be?"
Though he never considered himself to be the most perceptive guy on the planet, Casey immediately recognized that Raph was doing everything in his power to push him away. Grief was funny that way. Just when you need someone the most, you choose to shut everyone out. Casey had been guilty of the same thing. Hence the reason he wasn't so easily dissuaded.
Raph could insult him all he wanted; Casey wasn't going anywhere. He would never flake out on his best friend like that.
"Dude! That was way harsh, yo."
Voice adopting a slightly teasing tone, Raph showed his first sign of softening. "What can I say? The truth hurts."
"Yeah, well it's a good thing I got big feet or you might've hurt my feelings."
A short laugh followed Casey's comment, but the moment Raphael's eyes made their way back to Donnie, the mood turned somber once again.
"Hey, why don't you take a little break? You look like crap." Never one to mince words or hold back punches – especially around Raph – Casey had no qualms with being brutally honest. And, as Raph had just so aptly pointed out, the truth hurts.
"Look who's talking."
"I'm gonna let that one slide 'cause I'm such a stand-up guy. Seriously, though. I can totally keep an eye on Donnie while you go grab a bite to eat or something."
"I – I guess I could use a bathroom break. But if anything happens while I'm gone..." Those last words would normally have come off as a threat from the temperamental turtle, but the way Raphael had spoken them was more of a plea. He wasn't promising violence if something happened. He was asking out of genuine concern for his brother.
"I swear I'll yell super loud if anything changes."
There was no mistaking the sincerity in Casey's tone, but Raph still had his reservations. It wasn't like Casey had the greatest of track records when it came to being responsible, after all.
"You're sure you can handle this?" The fact that Raphael hadn't even bothered to get up out of his chair spoke volumes about his faith in Casey.
"Dude, I think you can trust me to watch your bro while you take a leak! Sheesh, I'm not that useless, am I?"
A smirk instantly played on Raph's lips, informing Casey he didn't want to hear the answer to his question.
"You know what? Forget I asked."
Finally, Raphael decided to take Casey up on his offer, if only to give his stiff muscles a chance to move around some. It had been a long shift.
The red-masked turtle gingerly pushed himself up to his feet and headed straight for the doors, casting one last skeptical glance over his shoulder before leaving Casey and Donatello alone in the lab.
Once Raph was out of sight, Casey lightly shoved aside the chair his friend had just vacated so he could stand right next to the cot.
Now that he was up close to the wounded turtle, a lump started to solidify inside Casey's throat, but he somehow managed to speak around it.
"H – Hey, Don. Uh, sorry about not comin' sooner to visit. April... She, um, says you're doing a little better."
Peering down at the genius turtle's broken and battered figure, Casey shuddered at the thought of Donatello's current condition being better than it was before.
How's that even possible?
For all his imagination, Casey couldn't fathom what worse must have looked like. It was no wonder Raph was such a wreck.
"Boy, those jerks sure did a real number on you. I bet your brothers went totally nuclear when they found you like that, huh?"
The moment turned awkward when it dawned on Casey that he was essentially talking to himself, but he continued to speak regardless. Running his mouth had always been a nervous habit of his.
"I'm sorry, Donnie. I, uh... I don't really know what to say here. I'm just no good at this sort of stuff, you know?"
The irony of that last statement was not lost on Casey.
He knew there was only one person in the lair who actually realized what he was going through right now. One person who truly understood why Casey was having such a tough time dealing with what had happened.
Sadly, that one person was Donatello...
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The emergency lighting inside the lab had been kind of soothing. Not necessarily the soft radiance emanating from above like moonlight, but rather, the steady humming that the overhead bulbs produced. For reasons he couldn't really explain, the noise took a bit of the edge off, helping him to finally relax.
That is until someone just had to go and ruin it.
He heard the distinct sound of the doors sliding open just before he was blinded by the remaining lights inside the lab. Hissing at the unexpected intrusion, he shielded his eyes as though someone was shining a thousand-watt spotlight in his face.
"Casey? What the heck are you doing in here?"
"Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" To accompany his prolonged shushing sound, Casey held a forefinger to his lips, stressing the need for silence. He then vigorously motioned for Donnie to close the doors behind him.
A part of Donatello was tempted to call out to the others, while another part of him was dying to know what exactly this was all about. Curiosity got the better of the intellectual turtle, as always.
Pulling the lab doors shut, Donnie turned to give Casey a look that demanded an immediate explanation or there would be shell to pay.
"This isn't what it looks like!" It wasn't the first time Casey Jones had uttered that exact same line and it most certainly wouldn't be the last. Of that the genius turtle had no doubt.
Folding his arms across his plastron and narrowing one eye skeptically, Donatello spoke in the most sarcastic of tones. "You were sitting in my chair in front of my computer screen, alone in the dark with a flush face and your hands under the desk, so you can only imagine how relieved I am to hear this isn't what it looks like."
"Dude!" Mouth gaping open, Casey looked as though he had been genuinely offended by the comment, which up until this point, Donnie would have never thought possible.
"So, would you mind telling me why it is you're hiding out in my lab?" There was heavy emphasis placed on the word 'my,' letting Casey know that the invasion of Donatello's perceived personal space was not appreciated.
"Whoa! Chillax, bro." Hands held out in front of him like he felt the need to defend himself, Casey shifted anxiously in the chair the brainiac turtle normally occupied. The way Donnie was glaring at him was making Casey more than a little nervous. It was a good thing looks couldn't actually kill. "I didn't mess with your stuff or anything. I was just taking a timeout. I told you guys I'd be right back."
"That was like twenty minutes ago! We all just assumed you went home." Realization washed over Donatello's face and his eyes widened with dread. "Wait! Have you been in here the whole time?"
"Don't tell the others, okay?" Again, Casey was signaling for silence, and again, Donatello had no idea why.
"Don't tell them what? That you've been holed up in my lab, avoiding everyone?" Placing his hands on his hips, Donnie began to tap his foot to demonstrate his growing impatience. He was just seconds away from grabbing Casey by the scruff of the neck and throwing him out.
"It's not like that, yo! I wasn't avoiding anyone."
"So, what? You just came in here to conduct a few experiments? Maybe combine some unstable chemicals or do a little advanced research?"
Casey's head dipped down as he grunted out the word, "No."
"Then, why are you in here, Casey?"
"I told you, I needed a timeout."
"Why would you need a timeout? We were all just hanging out on the couch, watching TV. It wasn't like we were doing anything that necessitated a break."
It was evident that Donatello wasn't going to let up anytime soon. He never did.
Casey had no choice but to come clean.
"Fine! It was 'cause I didn't wanna see the rest of the movie, okay?"
"Why?" Beak crinkled up with confusion, Donatello stared at Casey, waiting for an answer the human boy wasn't forthcoming with. Instead, Casey just hung his head down even further and turned his gaze away from Donatello's in an obvious effort to escape all eye contact.
The timid reaction instantly sparked Donatello's interest. Casey Jones was a lot of things, but bashful was most definitely not one of them. Something had clearly gotten him upset. The genius turtle quickly thought back to movie they had been watching and what scene had been playing when Casey had gotten up and left. It had been during one of the sadder parts of the film. The part where the main character's mom –
Donatello's eyes suddenly grew three times their normal size when he realized what had made Casey leave. Of course, now that the intellectual turtle understood that it had something to do with Casey's mom, he didn't know what to say. An uncomfortable silence fell over the lab as both teenagers' eyes wandered around the room, searching for something to land on.
After a gruff clearing of his throat, Casey's voice sounded out, but it was thin and dull. Almost unrecognizable. "A few years back, my mom started to get these wicked bad headaches. Like 'she couldn't even get out of bed to go to work' bad." Casey's gaze gradually rose to meet Donnie's now sympathetic expression, which only sufficed to make the confession that much more difficult.
"So, uh, my dad brought her in, and next thing we knew, they were telling us she had stage four brain cancer. The doc said they couldn't operate 'cause the size and location of the tumors. All they could do was try to shrink 'em."
"I – I'm sorry, Casey. I truly am." These words seemed rather empty and hollow in light of what Casey had just disclosed, but Donatello didn't know what else to say. This was the first time Donnie had ever heard Casey speak of his mother or talk about something serious like this, so the genius turtle was at a complete loss for how to handle the situation. He and Casey didn't exactly have good rapport. Mostly, they just got on each other's nerves.
Rubbing the back of his head out of nervous habit, Casey's mouth formed a grimace and stayed that way for several prolonged seconds before he responded.
"Yeah. Me, too. It was tough. We kept hoping she'd get better... but she never did. The treatments made her sicker than she already was. We basically had to watch her waste away to nothin'." An audible swallow immediately followed Casey's comments and he had to pause for a good thirty seconds to regain his composure.
"Then, late one evening, the doctor called us up and said that mom... she wasn't gonna last the night, so we rushed to the hospital to be with her." Casey sniffled and hastily dragged the sleeve of his shirt across his glossy eyes before continuing. His voice sounded a bit rougher than before, but still plenty loud enough to hear.
"When me and my dad and my sister were sitting in that room, waiting for my mom to – for it to happen, I realized that nothing was ever gonna be the same again. I was about to lose my mom and this was gonna be the last time we were all together as a family... for like ever. That hit me hard. Really, really hard. You know what I'm saying?"
All Donatello could do was gently nod his head in response. The extensive vocabulary he had always prided himself on had temporarily abandoned him. He had never seen Casey look so depressed.
"M – My mom died a few hours later. It was... It was three years ago, today."
A ragged inhale could be heard as Donnie fought tooth and nail to stifle a gasp. He had no idea that was what had happened to Casey's mom. It was no wonder Casey had been upset by the movie. Of all the dumb luck, they just happened to pick a film where the mother died of cancer exactly three years after Casey had lost his own mother to the horrible disease.
Even though he hadn't actually been the one who had chosen the movie, Donatello still felt like the world's biggest heel.
"We didn't know, Casey. We would've never – "
Casey held up a hand to wave Donnie off mid-sentence.
"How could you know? I never told anyone about it. Not even April."
"So... So why did you decide to tell me?" Donnie left the 'of all people' off the end of his question, figuring the baffled look on his face probably implied it. For the life of him, the genius turtle didn't understand why Casey would divulge such personal information to someone he didn't even seem to like. It was no well-kept secret that Donnie and Casey couldn't agree on anything.
"I don't know. I – I guess I just needed to talk to someone. Besides, if I told April about it, she'd get all emotional and stuff. Raph would probably tell me to just suck it up. Mikey would ask too many questions or wanna hug or something. Leo would just get all weird about it. And Master Splinter's a giant rat, which still kinda creeps me out... so that just left you."
For a moment, Donnie had actually thought that maybe – just maybe – Casey had a good reason for choosing him, but as it turned out, the hockey player simply had no better options.
Some things never changed.
"Gee, thanks." A hint of contempt raised Donnie's tone ever-so slightly, but not enough for Casey to notice.
"Hey, D. About what I just told you... Promise you won't say anything to anyone, okay? I don't want 'em to know."
Just as Donatello was about to swear on his honor he'd never tell another soul, Raph suddenly came barging into the lab without warning, as usual.
"Donnie, the stupid VCR ate the tape again! And now, Mikey's having a complete – " Before Raphael could even finish his first rant, he jumped right into a new one when he spotted his best friend sitting in his brainiac brother's chair. "Casey? What the shell are you doing in here? I thought you left!"
Several nonsense syllables sputtered out of Casey as he struggled to come up with a rational explanation for why he was still there, but thankfully, Donnie was quick to provide some much-needed assistance.
"He did, but then, he came all the way back to the lair just to get his crummy old baseball bat. Apparently, he forgot it in the lab earlier and he didn't trust me with it."
The sincerest of gratitude briefly passed over Casey's features, but he was soon smirking, effectively hiding any remnants of sadness. A moment later, he was clutching the wooden baseball bat Donatello had so conveniently noticed.
"Crummy? This baby's a classic. Did I ever tell you about the time I took out a dozen Purple Dragons using nothing but this bat and my sheer awesomeness?"
"Only about a hundred times." Raph rolled his eyes and let out a low rumble. He then started to walk away, clearly not interested in hearing the story again.
Pushing himself up to his feet, Casey stopped his momentum just long enough to mouth the words 'thank you' to Donatello before chasing after Raphael like an excited puppy.
Somehow, deep down inside, Casey knew his secret was totally safe with Donnie. Sure, the two of them didn't exactly get along, but Casey wouldn't have told Donnie what he just had if he didn't trust him like a brother. A know-it-all, smart-alecky, pigheaded, pain in the neck brother, but a brother nonetheless...
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Lifting a shaky hand, Casey outstretched his long, thin fingers and gently placed them on top of the cot, too afraid to make physical contact with Donatello. Like if he actually touched the wounded turtle, the eerie sound of a flatline might go off.
To this day, the memory of that stomach-turning noise still tormented Casey. A phantom ringing in his ears that would forever taunt him. He could still hear the steadily decreasing beeps of his mom's heart monitor suddenly change to that shrill, awful sound. He could still remember holding his mom's hand as it went limp in his own. He could still remember the chill he felt as the life left her withered body.
No matter how hard he tried, he would never ever forget the sound of that stupid flatline blaring out, as if the darn thing was purposely mocking him because he had lost her.
And now, it felt as though Casey was being forced to relive that whole night all over again. Every agonizing moment of it.
The heavy sound of Donatello's congested breathing effectively drowned out the whimper Casey couldn't contain.
"Ahhh, this is so much harder than I thought it was gonna be."
Face blanching to a ghostlike pallor, Casey peered down to see that Donatello's bandaged hand was lying less than inch away from the hockey player's own hand. The sight made Casey jerk his arm away from Donnie, as though he had been badly scalded just from being too close to the turtle.
Casey's bleary stare made its way across the cot to where the heart monitor stood. The heart monitor that he had been trying so desperately to ignore...
While he silently watched Donnie's gasped breaths blip across the screen, a single tear broke free from the rest of the moisture gathering in Casey's eyes, leaving a stain in its wake as it slid down his cheek. He was quick to wipe the remaining moisture away with his clenched hands that he then stuffed inside the pockets of his hoodie, as though he didn't know what else to do with them. His red-rimmed eyes then returned to Donatello, who still hadn't budged.
He just laid there... dying.
Just like her...
"I – I can't go through this again, Donnie. Please, don't make me."
The slow and steady beeping of the monitor continued to resonate in the background. A stark contrast to the rush of Casey's own heart thrumming inside his head.
"Listen. I know we don't always see eye-to-eye and I'm, uh – I'm always giving you a tough time... but that – that don't mean I don't care about you. Hey, I wouldn't have told you all that stuff about my mom if I didn't.
"I wish you could've met her, Donnie. She was the best. I mean, she had to be. She put up with me, right?" Every word Casey spoke audibly quivered, but there was determination behind them as well. A strange sense of calm momentarily took hold of him. "I bet she would've liked you. She was constantly telling me how I should hang out with guys who got better grades in school. Maybe she thought their smarts might rub off on me or something. Or maybe she was just hoping I wouldn't get sent to the principal's office so much if I hung out with the nicer kids. Believe it or not, I was kind of a handful."
What was supposed to be a short, mirthless laugh sounded more like a painful wheeze; one that would've been more suitable coming from the wounded turtle than Casey himself. The sense of calm from just seconds ago was now slipping through Casey's fingerless gloves like the tide.
"But even though I was always getting into trouble, my mom never ever got mad. No matter how many bad things I did, she always saw the good in me. Like she knew something I didn't.
"She used to tell me a person could do anything if they just put their mind to it, and a part of me actually believed that. Up until the day she... she died."
Pulling his hands out of his shirt pockets, Casey once again wiped his eyes with his still-clenched fists. Not that it did any good. Another layer of tears was just waiting in the wings.
"If a person could do anything they put their mind to, then why'd she leave us, huh? I watched her fight with every last ounce of strength she had, but she still died anyway. And so... I just stopped believing."
Lips pressed into a tight line, Casey reached his hand forward once again and gently wrapped it around Donatello's wrist. As he stood there holding onto the wounded turtle's arm, Casey also held onto his breath for dear life and sealed his eyes shut, terrified of what was going to happen next.
But the sound Casey was dreading never came.
He pried his eyelids apart to see the bright-green line still bouncing across the screen of the heart monitor like it should. Although a part of him was still scared the alarm on the device would go off at any second, he allowed himself to inhale and exhale again. If only to keep himself from passing out.
Leaning over Donatello's disturbingly still form, Casey's pinched expression showed an unlikely mix of sadness, resolve, and desperation. He continued to hold onto the injured turtle's wrist as he spoke in a frail voice that cracked against his will.
"You gotta win this fight and make me believe again, Donnie, 'cause I so wanna believe my mom was right about the whole 'anything is possible' thing. Come on, man. I know how much you love to prove me wrong. Well, here's your chance."
The lack of response was nothing short of devastating, but it didn't stop Casey from his heartfelt pleading. "Please, don't quit on us, Donnie. You hear me? Your family needs you. Don't do this to them. Prove. Me. Wrong. 'Cause if there's anyone who can show me you can do anything if you just put your mind to it, it's you, Donnie. You're super smart, bro. Like the smartest person I've ever met. Not to mention you're stubborn as shell. You got this, D. All you gotta do is focus on getting better, okay? Can you do that for us?"
The sound of footsteps approaching nearly sent Casey into a panic and he instinctively released his grip on the injured turtle's arm.
Clearing his throat of possible obstructions, Casey suddenly spoke to Donatello with an air of confidence that had been missing from the moment Raphael had left the lab. Any signs of discomfort had been deliberately stripped away from the human's voice.
"Plus, you still owe me ten bucks from when you bet me I'd fail my history test last week. Don't think I'm gonna let our little wager slide just 'cause you're in a coma, dude. I worked hard for that D+!"
Pretending as though he had just noticed Raphael enter the lab, Casey cast a quick glance over his shoulder and forced a watery smile for the red-masked turtle coming towards him. Another bogus expression meant to hide the pain, but try as he might, Casey couldn't hide the tears still shimmering in his eyes. Fortunately for him, Raphael was too caught up in his own sorrow to even notice. Although, for a split-second, Casey found himself wishing that his best friend would've picked up on his silent suffering.
Maybe then, Casey wouldn't have felt as utterly alone as he did at that very moment.
To be continued...?
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Author's Notes: This was such a sad chapter to write. Poor, poor Casey.
In all honesty, I kept waiting for the 2012 show to reveal what actually happened to Casey's mom, but that moment never came, so I decided to try to fill in that blank. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that my version will be well received.
Please take a moment to vote and/or comment on this story if you would like me to continue adding these bonus chapters. I always love hearing from everyone and the feedback is very much appreciated.
Oh, and for all the 'Slash's Revenge' readers, I plan on posting the new chapter next week on the usual day and time. ;)
Thanks so much for reading. *hugs* CJ