The whole morning felt emotionally overloading and weirdly normal. He woke up next to Scott. They touched and kissed in the shower. They spent all morning with people he loved. It was like everything was back to normal, except he couldn't make his insides feel normal. There was a knot in his stomach. His heart was still aching. His brain was refusing to catch up. He thought he wanted to go back to New York, but the closer they got the more he could feel his anxiety crawling through his veins.
The hand in his, which had never before failed to comfort him... wasn't. And he couldn't for the life of him figure out why. Mitch wondered if his brain had checked out of this relationship already, even if his heart and consciousness hadn't. Mitch glanced over at Scott in the car. They were headed from the airport to their apartment and Mitch watched the way he was chewing on his bottom lip, and the way his head swiveled with the turn of the car.
Scott was so handsome. He missed him.
"Am I safe?" The silence in the car was broken with his question, and Scott's eyes flicked to his for a second.
"I don't know." Not what he wanted to hear, but at least it was honest. "Right now, yes. I highly doubt anyone knows you are back." Mitch nodded his head even though Scott wasn't looking at him. The thumb on his hand started swiping back and forth. He looked out of the dark window. A familiar road, but he still felt so far away from it.
Scott pulled into his parking spot not thirty minutes later. He turned the car off, but neither of them moved. Mitch sat still holding his hand and looking out the window. He could see Scott's reflection turn to look at him.
"Are you ready to go inside?" His voice was barely above a whisper. Mitch closed his eyes.
He sighed. "Yeah." He let go of his hand and reached for the door handle, but Scott's hand caught his arm. Mitch stopped his movement, but he didn't want to look over at him. He was afraid of his eyes. Scott could read him too well and his emotions and feelings were too mixed up right now. He didn't want Scott reading something that he wasn't in control of just yet. Scott finally let go of his hand and they both moved slowly, grabbing his things and stepping up to the door.
Mitch looked around as he walked through to the bedroom. Their place looked exactly the same as before. He could have sworn that the water bottle on the table was there even before he left. He heard the door lock and Scott come walking down the hallway. Mitch was feeling antsy and it was frustrating him. He wanted to just relax. Why couldn't he relax?
Mitch dropped his bags by the door and stood facing the bed, wringing his hands. The light flicked on. He heard Scott shuffle around behind him.
Then hands touched his shoulders and his lungs pushed his air out of him as his head dropped, making his chin hit his chest.
"Talk to me Mitchy. Please." Scott's forehead rested on the back of his neck. He could feel his hot breath down the back of his shirt.
"I-I don't know w-what to say." He cursed the stutter. The anxiety in him was making him start to shake.
"You asked me to bring you home. I have. Why there is still a battle in you?" The hands on his shoulders slid down to his elbows before resituating around his waist. Scott lifted his head to press his lips where his forehead was laying, right over the small tattoo on the back of his neck.
Mitch clenched his teeth at the broken sound of his voice. He could feel the burn start in his stomach and fight its way out of him. He gasped when he ran out of air, the sob breaking free. "I don't know. I don't know." His voice was high pitched and broken up. He covered his eyes with his hand, ashamed that he couldn't just be okay.
"I'm so sorry. I should've tried harder. I should've been there for you. I-I don't want to lose you. Mitch, I-." Scott's arms squeezed him tighter. "I didn't take care of you. I failed as a boyfriend. Now you're here and something is off and I don't know what to do. And I'm afraid that I'm not what you want anymore. I could handle my job being the issue, but you not loving me... I can't imagine not loving you anymore."
Scott was hugging him so tight he was having trouble breathing. His entire chest ached with his words. It felt like his heart was trying to push out of his back and into the chest pressed against him. Scott thinks he failed. That was heart breaking. "You didn't fail. It was me. I couldn't take care of myself. You were only trying to keep me safe." Mitch struggled against his hold until Scott loosened his grip and he twisted, wrapping Scott up just as tight.
"I put you there. I made you go home." Mitch felt like he should still be mad at Scott for that. He felt like he should still resent him for making him endure the past month of isolated torture. But hearing Scott say it sounded wrong.
"No, Scott. I'm the one who started this whole mess. I should have never dated Zach. I should've just kept to myself." Mitch stepped back from him, breaking their physical contact.
"No." Scott's full voice scared him. "No, Mitch. I already told you that you being targeted is not your fault. None of this falls on your shoulders. I don't care what Zach says, or Adam, or the fucking media. You do not deserve this. You don't deserve to be hidden away from people, rotting until there's nothing left of you. You deserve to be cherished and loved and shown off to the whole fucking world. But they don't deserve you. I don't deserve you." Scott looked up at the ceiling and ran his hands through his hair, linking them behind his head to hold it up. "I want you to stay here with me. I want to be with you. I love you, but I want you to want that too."
"I love you, Scott." Scott's body relaxed a bit as he let out a long exhale. "I love you, but I'm not okay right now." Mitch closed the distance between them again, placing his hands on Scott's chest and sliding them up the sides of his neck. "I just need things to be okay. As okay as they can be."
He could see Scott's face twist more. "I can't promise you that things will be okay once people find out you are back."
"I'm not asking you to promise that. I just need any sense of normalcy you can give me." Mitch swiped his thumbs against Scott's beard. It was longer than when he saw him last. Less kept. Scott nodded and dropped his hands, pulling Mitch against him and resting his forehead on his. They both closed their eyes and reveled in the fact that they could just hold each other, that they weren't a thousand miles apart.
Mitch's heart still felt heavy, but the knot was loosening. His mind was still scrambled but all he could do was keep faith that he could sort it out eventually. He could finally take a full deep breath that wasn't completely filled with anxiety.
He just wanted to feel close to Scott again. To fight the intrusive feelings that he should be putting distance between them. "I need you, Scott." He looked up at Scott's face when it lifted off of him. "Make love to me."
***
Mitch almost felt better walking into the precinct than he did their apartment. It felt more comfortable and safe in its initial greeting of him, despite how warm and right laying with Scott felt last night. He was greeted with a lot of smiles. Even from officers he barely knew. It was a pleasant surprise and made him feel welcome.
He had yet to let go of Scott's hand today, but the man didn't seem to mind. Mitch sat on the edge of his desk while Scott flipped through documents and signed a few papers.
"How would you feel... about us using you to blackmail Zach and Adam into confessions?" Scott set his pen down and leaned back in his chair.
"What do you mean 'using you'?"
"The case is at a standstill and we need to jumpstart it back into action if we are going to make any progress. The team wants to coerce them into betraying the gang, even if the gang is threatening them. The only thing I can think of that might be worth it to them, well, Zach at least, is you."
"I mean, what will the blackmail entail exactly?"
Scott straightened the papers right in front of him and stood, pulling Mitch out of his office and into the conference room. "We aren't sure exactly. Let me get the team in here so we can talk about it." Mitch sat down and watched as Scott walked back to the door to wave them in. Mitch couldn't help but smile at their bright faces when they looked at him. "So, I wanted to talk about how we were thinking about using Mitch to blackmail Zach. What are your ideas?"
His eyes followed Scott back around the table towards him. He bent down to reach for his hand and Mitch lifted it, linking their fingers back together.
Kevin was the first to speak up. "A conversation with him. That he would go to the prison to talk to them if they tell us anything."
"They are going to have to believe that he is here in New York. Paps were all over him leaving. No one saw him come back." Esther added. Mitch frowned. He didn't want people to know he was back yet.
Avi swiveled in his chair. "And what if they ask to see him before they confess to make sure we aren't bluffing?"
"What if we promise a phone call with Mitch? That way there is no expectation that he is going to be in the prison at all."
"They could still ask to get the call before the confession."
Mitch looked up at Scott listening to the team and back around to the thinking faces. "I'll go to the prison if it means they will confess."
"No, you won't." Scott was quick to reply. "You aren't going anywhere near them." Mitch looked up at him again. He wasn't looking back, he was staring at the middle of the table.
"Scott, if it will help the case I will do it. I don't care if you think they don't deserve it." His eyes met Mitch's. He couldn't really read them. He didn't look upset, but he didn't look okay with what he said. "I want to go."
"I think that if Mitch is okay with seeing him, then we have a good shot of getting confessions. You would go in with him. So, he wouldn't be alone in facing him. Plus, he might be able to help coerce him into talking."
Scott was still staring at him, eyes flicking back and forth between Mitch's. "Okay." He finally blinked them away. "Make sure it stays under the radar. Mitch's safety is the number one priority for the rest of the case and if word gets out that he is back, we could have more trouble."
Mitch thought that they would have to plan something like this, but apparently, all it took was one phone call to the Metropolitan Correctional Center, where they were being held, and they were on their way. He wished he had made himself look a little better. At least covered the dark circles under his eyes and wore thicker clothes. Anything to make him look healthy and fine.
The officers in the building were dressed differently than he expected. Less formal than what movies portray. The scuff of their shoes was the only sound down the long concrete corridor. He tried to look in the windows of the doors they were passing, but they were blacked out. The officer escorting them slowed to a stop and unlocked a door, letting them into it.
Mitch looked around. He had never been on this side of the glass before. There was a little soundboard and a screen displaying what looked like real time footage of the interrogation room. No one was in it yet. It was dark and the glass looked tinted instead of mirror from this side.
He followed suit and shook hands with the other officer in the room.
"They are bringing him in now. If you change your mind we will find another way."
"I won't." Mitch honestly thought that the last time he had to see Zach would've been the last time. He was foolish. How could he expect that anything would be so simple and easy? He wasn't going to make the same mistakes again. Scott nodded and they waited.
The unlocking of the door startled him and he reached for Scott's hand immediately. They had agreed on no displays of affection in front of Zach at all, but here, he was safe. The rational part of him knew Zach had no idea he was in here, the irrational part was telling him that he just looked straight at him through the glass. Zach looked mostly the same. Most of his hair was cut off. The consistency in the way he held himself was almost comforting.
"Ready?" Scott squeezed his hand once Zach was sat and cuffed to the chair. The only option was to nod.
Scott dropped his hand as they walked out into the hall and the guard at the other door unlocked it for them. Scott paused at the open door. Zach was talking before Mitch was seen.
"Scott. Haven't seen you in a while. When they said I was going in for questioning I figured it was going to be you." Mitch could hear the rattle of the chain on him.
Scott kept walking and Mitch rounded the corner into the room. Zach met his eyes briefly before he looked away to sit in the chair Scott pulled out for him.
"Mitch." Zach's voice was softer, more tender when addressing him. "I didn't think I would get to see you again." Mitch glanced down at the cuffs on his wrists as Zach's eyes traveled over him, taking him in. "Are you okay?"
Mitch kept his mouth shut and just stared down at his hands in his lap. He was pretty sure he had a nightmare just like this a couple weeks ago. "We are here to ask you some questions. If you answer every single question I ask, you will get to talk to Mitch. If you refuse anything or answer in a way that I feel is bullshit, he will leave and you really will never see him again. If you completely cooperate with us, we can discuss changes to your charges after as compensation for any trouble that you might be put through. Once again, if I think you are lying at all, even once, he is out of here immediately. Do you agree to these terms?"
"And what exactly would I be getting out of this deal?"
"Protection. Transfer. Less time. It depends on what you tell us." Mitch looked up at Scott to see his jaw clenching and unclenching then over at Zach, he was already looking at him.
"How much time do I get with him? Is it just us?"
"Once again, it depends on you. And no." Mitch watched his eyes trail down to his mouth then back up.
"Deal."
Scott leaned back slightly and opened the folder he had set down on the table. "Great. What do you know about the murder of Sean Hoying?" A picture of Sean was turned and slid in front of Zach.
Zach glanced down at it before looking back at Scott. "As I said last time, I didn't hear anything about his murder or the person who killed him. I liked Sean. His death was unexpected."
"What do you know about the shooting that occurred a month ago at the front steps of the precinct?"
"I wasn't aware there was a shooting. Did someone else die?"
"No. They were targeting Mitch." Zach frowned and switched his attention over to Mitch. "Focus." Scott snapped his finger and Zach looked back at him. "What do you know about the gangs in Manhattan and New York areas?"
"There are a lot of different ones, you might need to be more specific."
"Specifically," Scott drew out the word. "Big Island."
"Their territory surrounded where I used to work. The old printing place."
"And how did you come in to contact with Sean here in New York?" Mitch just listened to the back and forth between them.
"He is the one who found me."
"Were you aware that Sean Hoying was a part of this gang?"
"Yes."
"Did you or Adam have any contact with the gang members here in this facility?" Zach seemed to pick up on where this line of questioning was going. Mitch could feel the hesitation in him.
"I'm not sure who here is a part of the gang. I've been in contact with a lot of people."
"That was your one and only strike. Don't lie again or Mitch is gone."
Zach's face hardened. "Yes."
"Did you or did you not give the gang information on where to find the rest of the pictures you have of Mitch and myself?"
"I did."
"Did you or did you not instruct them to continue your violation of our privacy?" Zach's nostrils flared and he blinked his eyes slowly.
"Yes."
"Were you aware that because Sean was working with us, that they would target him?"
"I wasn't aware of that. They didn't tell me anything other than they would guarantee my safety in the prison."
Scott paused his seemingly never ending line of questions and just watched him. Zach obviously decided to take this brake in conversation to look back at Mitch. The longer Zach stared the more he had to fight the urge to move around in his seat. The stare wasn't angry or upset or even happy, just curious and simple.
Zach looked relieved he passed Scott's examination of his honesty. "Were you aware that because Sean was working with the enemy, enemy being me, that they would go after Mitch in order to hurt me?"
"No. I would never have given them anything had I known that Mitch's life was at risk."
"Mitch has been targeted for over a month. I hope you realize just how terrifying it was for him to have a bullet fly within inches of his head. To have to leave everything he loves just to feel a sense of safety. To have to always be cautious and on the lookout. That person that you love, the bright and fun and trusting Mitch that performed for countless customers and was always smiling and working his ass off to make a name for himself was ruined because of the information you gave that gang. I hope knowing that tortures your mind and soul for the rest of your life, and I believe that you deserve to rot in prison." Scott's features stayed calm and cold. "Now, give us every name you know, and if you don't have a name, give us descriptions."
"There is only one person from my side. I only knew him because he asked me if I knew Sean. I don't know his name or anything. Black hair, about my height, very built."
"Mitch, let's go." Scott shoved his chair out and Mitch looked over at him surprised.
Zach's chains rattled loudly as he leaned forward and pulled against them hard. "No! No! I swear on my life that that is all I know. Besides Sean and his two other guys, and I haven't seen them since before I was even arrested! He found me and offered me the deal. I don't know if his people put him up to it or what. Please, I've been completely honest with you. Don't take Mitch from me yet." The desperation in his voice was something Mitch hadn't heard from him since the day he broke up with him.
"Fine. If I find out a word of what you have said is untrue, you are on your own." Scott sat back down in his chair, not bothering to pull it back close to the desk. His eyes flicked to Mitch's for a second before he jutted his chin out in Zach's direction, crossing his arms and scooting down. He looked... annoyed almost?
"Mitch?" He turned his head to look at Zach. "I'm so sorry you have had to go through that. I would have never said anything if I knew they were going to try and hurt you."
"You were trying to hurt me, Zach. You wanted them to keep taking pictures and invading my life."
Zach closed his eyes and sighed. "I was angry at you."
"I don't give a flying fuck that you are angry." Mitch's knee started to bounce under the table.
"That's fair. Are you okay?"
Mitch knew he was asking about his appearance now. He didn't deny that he looked sick. "Fine."
"I'll tell them to stop. That I don't want the pictures anymore."
"It's not even them! God, you just don't even fucking understand how fucked my life is right now because of you. You told people I was manipulative. You told them I used you. And people fucking believe you!" Mitch couldn't keep his voice from rising as anger started to boil to the surface. "Maybe I am manipulative. Maybe I did use you for affection and attention. Maybe I am what people say I am. A whore who can't keep his eyes on one person at a time. I break people's hearts because I can't fucking get mine to work properly. Is that what you want from me, Zach? To admit that I knew all along exactly what I was doing? That I knew you would fall in love with me and I liked it?" He knew that it didn't make sense, but he felt like it was closer to the truth than not being at fault.
"Mitch." The steady beat of the chain sliding against the edge of the table filled the silence. Zach held his hand out across the table. For some reason, Mitch didn't hesitate to put his hand in the one outstretched. It was almost like there was a nagging in him that knew that he deserved whatever treatment Zach had brought upon him. Scott was talking about people being undeserving of him, but he felt like he was undeserving of people. "When the trial continues, I'll publicly take back what I said. I'm sorry. I love you."
Mitch didn't love Zach. He never did and never would. He looked down at the thumb drawing small circles on his hand and nodded. Mitch was kinda surprised he wasn't having a mental breakdown right now and was able to even look at Zach let alone touch him.
"Can you tell me what I get now?" The question was directed at Scott, Zach's attention back on him, but he made no move to release Mitch's hand.
"Transfer to a facility in Kansas and less time. You will be banned from all of the counties between and including Westchester and Suffolk. If you are found in those counties you will be arrested for violating court orders and the restraining order still stands."
"Okay. Safety from Big Island?"
"Yes."
Mitch felt his hand get tugged on slightly and looked up into the eyes of Zach. He didn't say anything just, stared back and Mitch could see the cold hurt in them, masking a warmth and the soft admiration he used to see. Mitch was done here.
"I'm ready to leave." Mitch pulled his hand out of Zach's and stood, not looking back as he crossed the room. Scott gathered his file up and followed him. Mitch knocked on the door and it was opened. He stopped just around the corner and only continued when he felt Scott's fingertips touch his back.