My hands felt clammy. They were both being held by Lin and Vanessa. Honestly, I wanted them back, but I knew it was probably making them feel better. I sighed as the priest began, talking about forgiveness and love and getting to heaven. Honestly, I kind of zoned out. This wasn't the place I wanted to be. I just wanted this to be over.
Steve got up to speak, then invited anyone else to come say something. A couple of her friends got up and shared a couple stories about her. I didn't know if people were expecting me to get up there, but I wasn't going to. I hated public speaking anyway.
Finally, the service was over and it was time to go to the grave site. Honestly, it was a blur. I got in a car and was driven to the cemetery. The priest said a few more words, then the casket was lowered into the ground. I was aware of hands on me, rubbing my back, squeezing my shoulders.
People seemed to be sticking around to mingle, but I wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible. Dad and Vanessa were talking to a couple of Laura's friends. I walked up and tugged on Dad's sleeve, like a little kid.
"Dad, can we go now?"
He turned his head to the right and nodded. They wrapped up their conversation and we began heading over to the parking lot. Dad called a cab and it arrived a few minutes later. Again, it was quiet on the way back. When we got home I went straight to my room to get out of my dress. I pulled on some sweats and then climbed back into bed.
I probably should have gone back to school the next day, but I still didn't want to. Dad wasn't going to push me, because I knew he was worried about me. I probably should have gone because I began to get bored. I was stuck in an endless cycle of my thoughts. I kept replaying the last time I'd been with my mom. The yelling. The cursing. How I stormed out, hating her.
After a couple more days at home, Dad came into my room one evening, closing the door. I'd been off school for a whole week now.
"Nora, I think it's time you went back to school," he told me.
"No thanks," I told him.
"Nora," he began again. "I think you need to get back into a routine. If you keep hanging around at home doing nothing, you're just going to get yourself into a rut."
"I don't want to face everyone at school," I told him. "They're all gonna look at me like they feel sorry for me and I don't want to have to deal with all the teachers saying they're sorry to hear about my mom."
"Well, you're going to have to face it eventually," he reminded me. "You can't avoid it forever."
"Maybe a couple more days," I told him.
"You're gonna get too behind on your school work," he reasoned. "Class moves fast at Hunter. I don't want your grades to slip."
"But they're excusing me from all my assignments."
"Yeah, but you're missing all the material," he said. "If you leave it too long, you're gonna feel lost in class."
I sighed and closed my eyes. "Get to bed early tonight," he told me. "You need to go back to school tomorrow."
I didn't set my alarm and hoped Dad would just forget or feel sorry for me, but he didn't. At 7:00, he came into my room to wake me up. At 7:15 he came back. He ended up pulling my covers off and making me sit up before he left. Reluctantly, I got in the shower and got ready for school. I glared at him as I pulled my backpack on.
At school, everyone was acting weird, like I worried they would. My friends had been texting and calling, but I had mostly ignored them. They hugged me and reassured me. Some of my teachers had me stay after class to say if I needed extra time on my assignments, let them know. I would be taking advantage of that.
At home, I tried to get started on my homework. Up until now, I'd felt pretty numb. But, in the middle of my algebra problem set I just started crying all of a sudden. A wave of grief washed over me and suddenly I was gushing. It happened again at dinner and while I was watching TV. Vanessa laid down on the couch with me and just held me.
The next day, Vanessa came into my room after school and I could tell she wanted to talk about something important. She sat on my bed and smiled at me.
"Nora," she began softly. "Your Dad and I are worried about you. Grief is a difficult thing to work through."
I sighed and crossed my arms, knowing what she was going to get at. "Have you thought any more about going to therapy?"
"I told you both I'm not going to therapy," I said firmly. "I don't want to talk about it. It's not going to change anything."
"But it can help you deal with your feelings," she said. "Lots of people go to therapy after they lose someone."
I didn't want to snap at Vanessa, but I really needed her to stop. "Thanks, Vanessa, but I'm really not interested. I'll let you know if I change my mind. I have a lot of homework."
Vanessa took the hint and left me to do my work.
Friday finally came around and my friends were making me come out with them. There was some party one of the senior boys was throwing. His parents were loaded, so there was guaranteed to be some good alcohol and food. I got dressed up, wearing something revealing, covering it up again before I left. I hadn't seen Aaron in a long time. He'd come to the funeral and we'd talked briefly.
We got to the party around nine. His family's apartment was the entire top floor of the building, and they had direct access to the roof, which also had a pool. The music blared and I enjoyed the relative anonymity. Most of the people here I didn't know. They didn't know I'd just lost my mother. Someone was walking around with a tray of shots, so I took a couple within a few minutes. I craved the feeling of numbness so I wouldn't have to feel that overwhelming cloud of sadness. Soon, I was feeling a buzz and started to relax.
My friends and I danced around the pool. I ended up with drinks in my hands throughout the night. At some point, I realized I was drunk and I realized it was already well past my curfew. I didn't care right now. I needed this. I'd been grieving for a week and this was the first time I hadn't felt like shit.
There was a rumor the cops were on their way, so my friends and I made a quick exit down the fire escape, giggling as we went. We weren't far from my place, so my friends walked with me down the sidewalk. It was well past 1:00. I checked my phone and saw I had a bunch of missed calls from Dad. Right now, I wasn't worried about consequences. Right now, I was finally happy.
When I reached the apartment building doors, I waved goodbye and stumbled inside and into the elevator. It took me a couple tries to get my key in the lock, and I tripped over the rug as I walked in. I thought it was hilarious and I started laughing, then fell to my knees on the floor. A few moments later, I heard the door close and lock behind me, then a hand on my upper arm.
"Stand up," Dad's voice told me. He wasn't happy.
"Dad!" I greeted him. "What's up?"
"What's up is that I've been trying to get ahold of you since 11:15. You weren't answering your phone," he told me, holding my arm until he could see I was steady.
"Sorry," I told him. "I was busy."
"Obviously," he said, and he did a quick scan of me head to toe. I'd forgotten to cover back up again. "Is this the way you're gonna deal with your grief?"
"Dad, I'm just being a regular kid," I told him as I kicked off my shoes. He sighed at that and rubbed a hand over his head.
"Get to bed," he told me. "We'll talk in the morning."
I began to stumble down the hallway and giggled again, so he gripped my upper arm again. He opened my door and pulled back the covers, and I climbed in, laughing.
The next morning, I woke up with a pounding headache. The light was already streaming through the blinds. I turned over and covered my head with my pillow, groaning. Now last night was coming back to me. I had drank way too much. But it had felt good. Now, I was back to reality. I saw still sad as shit and there wasn't any end in sight.
I heard Sebastian running down the hallway. I pushed myself up to seated and realized my clothes from last night were still on and skewed. I quickly fixed them and rushed to the bathroom, suddenly overwhelmed with the urge to pee. I made it and then turned on the shower. The heat and steam felt good on my body and started to ease the pain in my head. Once I'd grabbed a towel, I went back to my room to find some clothes.
I sighed as I dressed, knowing I was going to have to face Dad. Maybe he'd take pity on me. I wandered out gingerly and got myself some cereal and coffee. I found the Tylenol and popped a couple. Dad and Vanessa were both playing with the boys in the living room.
As I took my dish to the kitchen, Dad came in to get another cup of coffee.
"How are you feeling?" He asked me.
"Like death," I told him. He nodded as he poured his coffee.
"Where were you?"
"At a party a few blocks away," I told him. "Sorry I didn't answer the phone."
"And there was alcohol?" He ventured, leaning back against the counter, blowing on his coffee. I sighed. There was no point in denying it. I know I was acting ridiculous when I came home.
"Getting drunk off your ass isn't going to help you with your grief," he told me.
"I know," I told him. Of course I knew. My mom had spent her whole life trying to medicate with alcohol and drugs, and look where it had gotten her. I took a big gulp of coffee as I waited for him to continue.
"I'm not gonna ground you this time because I know you've been having a hard time," he told me. "But don't let it happen again."
"Okay," I said softly, surprised. Usually, Dad was pretty strict. He stood up and went back to the living room to be with Vanessa and the boys. I sighed and wandered back to my bedroom to nurse my headache. A nap was calling my name.