It was pitch black, his laugh resonates through my home. I hide like my mother told me to, watching the scene go on silently.
I toss and turn in bed, my face in a scowl as I sleep. The nightmare taking over my mind.
My mother falls back when he hits her. She flies easily to the floor.
I start shaking in my sleep, knowing this dream by heart, ands what's to come next.
Then I hear it....
"Ashton wake up, wake up Ashton we have to go school shopping today. It's one o'clock." A small hand brings me out of my nightmare, and I wake up sweaty, breathless, and cold.
Cassandra stands over me, a hand on my forehead.
I still shake from the dream. "Oh my gosh, your really warm. Do you feel okay, Ash?" She asks, feeling my forehead, cheeks and chest with the back of her hand. I nod and rub my eyes, trying to get the sleep out.
"Okay,"She says, "but be out in a little, we have to go to the mall right now, you sleep late." She patted my black hair and slipped out of my room, her small feet padding the carpeted floors.
I lifted my shaky hands and slipped from under the covers, regretting the habit of sleeping shirtless that night. I made my way towards my bathroom.
My, the bathroom, and room, I can call that mine.
A small smile lights up my face, a little pull of one side of my mouth. Then when I see myself in the mirror, the smile disappears. I look at my black bed head and milky pale skin. The hair sticking up in different directions. I have light stubble on my face by not shaving. My nose is a little crooked from the street fights I used to take place in. And lastly, the scar that starts an inch above my right brow, and ends on the bridge of my nose.
I look at the rest of my body, stepping away from the counter I look at the muscles I still have from trying to catch my father.
I flex my bicep, the muscle happily jumps to attention. I look a little further down, there goes the pack that I worked on. And still work on. I still do sit ups and pushups to keep strength. Ever since the accident, I try to build up strength again. Because that feeling I had then, that feeling of defenseless, I don't ever want to feel again. That is one reason why I do fights.
I walk to the shower and turn the knob in the middle but slightly more on the hot so it'll be a nice warm. And find gray and black towels set up in the cabinet by the bathroom. I take a face towel and a dry towel and hop into the shower hoping that'll help me forget my thoughts.
It doesn't help, it only makes it worse. My worst fears and thoughts bombard me all at one time, almost leaving me to break down in the shower. Memories flash through my mind, and I have no time to think about it before another one slides through. It's enough to make me step out of the warm shower, shaking.
I grab the dry towel and dry myself before wrapping it around my hips so I can find clothes. I step out of the steamy bathroom and pad to my dresser. I find a pair of underwear and a plain black long sleeve shirt. Then pull out a pair of black jeans. I walk back to the bathroom to slip them on.
Once I have on the clean clothes I picked, I hastily throw the basketball shorts I slept in into the dirty clothes hamper Cassandra gave me, and made my way downstairs, pulling on my other converse.
When I made it down, Cassandra gave me a piece of toast with jelly slapped on it and an Apple. She already had on some jeans and a pink shirt with white flats, and her brown waves were pulled into a ponytail. Her brown purse in hand.
I bit into my Apple and hurriedly grabbed my case then made my way out the door to Cassandra's car. She hurriedly ushered me in and sped off to the mall.
"Oh my gosh, you woke up late."She complained loudly when we were looking for a parking spot."Now all the high school kids are out and staying to hang out." She slaps her hand against the will, a frustrated frown upon her face."Now you really are going to school tomorrow." She says and smiles at me.
I raise an eyebrow in question. "I was actually going to take you to school today, but since I forgot to set your alarm clock, and get you up, you got another free day. I already enrolled you, before I came to pick you up." She looked patted my knee. "You lucky duck." She said and finally found a parking lot, good enough to park in.
I hopped out and slid my case under the seat, so no one can break the window and try to steal it. Then trailed behind Cass to the doors of the mall.
Cassandra led me to different stores, bringing me into nice clothing stores and shoe stores. She got me brand like addidas and Nike. She even slipped me in some Calvin Klein underwear.
Then she let me pick something.
I walked around the store, weaving in between aisles, and sidestepping the other male costumers. That's when something caught my indigo eyes.
A leather jacket with a Grey cotton hoodie. It had chains hanging out of the pockets, but it looked comfortable to me. It was fully black though.
Cassandra came up beside. "Ash, you walk to fast, let me keep up, daddy long legs." She said dashing around people walking past. She saw me staring at the jacket. "Is that what you want?" She asks, I nod and grab it off the rack. A perfect fit.
"Okay then". She says and walk to the counter to pay for it.
After that, we decide to go to the food court to eat, since the shopping is making me hungry. I carry all the bags Cassandra has for me, from lots of different stores and set them down next to the table. I sit while Cassandra goes to order pizza.
I sit silently with my chin on my palms. My eyes wondering around the food court,when I hear a feminine giggle. I turn my head towards the sound and catch about three girls. Two giggle and smile at me while one shakes her head amusingly. I take straight notice of her.
Her dark curly hair flows down to her waist and bounces as she moves. Striking steel blue eyes pierce my skin and full light pink lips stretch into an attractive smile. Her cheeks turn a light pink at what her one of her friends say. I found my self staring, and my leg shaking.
On her right is a platinum blonde with light green eyes and long eyelashes that flutter at me flirtatiously, and on her left is a blonde that looks exactly the same as the one on the right.twins. One twin winks at me and the other one smiles and waves. I wave back, not in a flirtatious way, just a wave. They stare at me confusingly.
I look over at the pizza line and see Cassandra still waiting in line. Everyone wants pizza today.
I look back over to where the girls were to see that they're gone. Then I look in front of me and there they are, sitting at my table. The blondes trying to make impressions and the beauty, sitting back with a smirk.
I just look at them blankly.
"Hi, I was just wondering if you get lonely at times?" The twin on the left asked. She leaned forward with her chin in her hand, I shake my head once. My leg continues shaking.
"Really, do you ever just feel the need for company?" The other twin asks. I shake my head again. My leg jumps faster.
The beauty looks down at my leg and frowns, And then looks me in the eyes. Gosh, she probably thinks I'm a freak now from my habit.
"How old are you?" Asks the twin on the left again. Oh no, a talking question. I forgot to bring my journal this morning, so now I have no way to talk. Dammit how could I forget the Damn journal?!
I clear my throat and open my mouth, no sound. It's like when I try to talk, the words fly back down my throat, choking me, while rendering me speechless. Have to try again next time.
I take a pen out of my pocket and grab a napkin from the basket full of them on the table. And start writing.
Seventeen.
"Ooo, good." Says the twin on the right. "We're both sixteen". The two twins say together, I cringe. I stare at them in wonder, my mouth touching the table at what just happened. Is this weird or what.
"It's okay, they do that all the time." Says the angel leaning back with a smirk.
Wow, does she sing, she has a beautiful voice. The words, those eight little words sound like they glided out of her mouth. I lean back in my chair.
"So why don't you talk?" Bluntly says the smirking beauty across from me in the middle of her friends. One twin hits her on the leg and fiercely whispers, "Shut up Frito lay, that's a downer." I ignore the whispers. I frown a little with this question. And look at my lap. And there goes my leg, shaking away. I wouldn't be surprised if the sucker fell from my body.
I write on the napkin, deciding to be honest.
I'm mute.
"Really, so it's like you just can't talk." Says the twins together again. I nod slightly, a frown edging across my forehead.
That's the time Cassandra comes back.
"Oh, hi girls how are y'all doing?" She asks with the pizza box in her hands. "I see y'all are getting along with Ashton, he doesn't talk." She says and smiles at them, her eyes flicker to me. "Hi Ms.Carson, we were just speaking to Ashton." Says The twins together again.
Cassandra raises an eyebrow at their talking. But she doesn't question it. "Is this the adoptive son you were telling me about?" Asks the beauty. She looks at Cassandra questionably, with her big blue doe like eyes.
"Actually yes, Layla. You have to come over more and talk to me." Cassandra pats my shoulder and looks down at my shaking leg under the table. "And guess what, he's an artist too." She continues with a smirk and a wink. Layla smiles and looks at me. "Well, call me sometimes. We can do something together." She says and her and the twins slide out from the table.
As soon as she leaves my leg freezes.
Cassandra glances at my leg, then looks up at me with a knowing smirk. "That Layla there, she's a beauty huh?" She says. I nod my head absently and glance where her and the twins left. She sure is a beauty.
______________________________________________________
When we arrive home Cassandra sends me to my room with instructions.
"Get cleaned and dressed, the neighbors are coming over to welcome you here." She pushes me up the stairs.
I run up the stairs and take my time getting ready. I slip into my bathroom and turn the water on warm, and jump in after I removed all of my clothing. I wash through my inky hair with the old spice shampoo, and scrub my body clean. When I get out, my fingers are prune.
I grab the towel and wrap it around my waist, and make my way out of the bathroom. I walk straight forward and turn to my dressers to find clothes.
"Hi". Someone says and I freeze holding my towel. I was silently thanking myself that I hadn't dropped it like I was going to. I slowly turn around and spot the black haired beauty from earlier today. What was her name? Oh yeah, it was a graceful feminine name, Layla.
I sit there looking at her a while, taking in her light navy dress that looks like the sky when it's about to become dark. It contrasts with her pale skin, and makes her blue eyes shine. The natural blush on her cheeks darken when she realizes that she's staring at me. She adverts her eyes to where her dark hair covers her face, and where I can't see her beautiful eyes.
"Uh, your mom, s-she said to come get you, b-because
it's almost time to eat." She stutters out. Her forehead crinkles in an adorable manner, like she's scolding.
I smirk a little and turn around to find my clothing. I pull out a pair of boxers and a pair of pants. Then I pull out a black t-shirt.
Out of nowhere, I hear a little gasp. Then a beautiful voice floats to my ears. "What is that tattoo?" She asks. I close my eyes when I understand the one she's talking about. The one that stretches across the side of my back, and runs all the way down my arm. It's my own little memorabilia of my mom.
On my back it says, God's Angel, in black cursive letters, and there's a tattoo of my mom's face really big. Under the picture of my mother's face it says mama. And the sleeve is , Rest in peace, Mother.
Cassandra never took notice of it, of course she already knew it was there. But I wore a long sleeve shirt at the mall, that's how Layla and the twins didn't know I had it. Sometimes.I get little tattoos, like the one on my forearm. It says, street fighter, love of the ring, in bold cursive letters.
To tell the truth, I was tatted up, full of art. There was probably only one piece of clean skin. And that was my chest, I'm saving that for the girl I love.
On my wrist, it says God bless with a rose underneath the letters. I was really covered, and I don't regret it.
Of course, tattoos hurt like hell, but after the first one, which was the one on my back, it's like I became addicted to them. I kept getting more and more if I had enough money. And I'm still not done.
I shake my head, indicating nothing, and walk to my bathroom to change. She stares at my back with burning eyes, the tattoo keeping her attention until I close the door.
When I step out of the bathroom, Layla isn't sitting on the bed anymore. So I grab my journal off my desk, and make my way downstairs with my case in hand.
I walk into the dining room to see Layla sitting on the side of a girl that looks about sixteen. She has the same black hair as Layla, but instead of blue eyes and a natural blush, she has brown eyes and porcelain pale cheeks. Her light brown eyes light up when she sees me.
Cassandra jumps up when she notices me enter. "Come on in here Ashton, I want you to meet, Mrs and Mr. Louise." She pushes me toward the older version of the Layla with brown eyes. "Hello Ashton, don't listen to Cass, you can call me Sasha." Sasha shakes my hand. She takes notice of the tattoo on my arm.
"Wow, beautiful body art." She says and runs her hand up my arm. "Samson, come look at this." She pulls her husband over. A man with blue eyes and a receding hairline. His eyebrows furrow and he holds out his hand. I shake his hand. "You can call me Mr. Louise." He says sternly, I can tell he's not gonna like me.
Then the sixteen year-old girl pushes herself between her parents and flutters her eyelashes. "I'm Karamay, but everyone calls me Kara." I shake her hand and smile politely. Then I turn and sit in my seat at the table across from Layla.
Kara rolls her eyes and sits beside her sister.
We begin to eat.
"Excuse me guys, I have to go to the restroom right quick, get to know each other." Cassandra excuses herself and walks upstairs.
We bask in the silence for a while before Sasha asks me a question.
"So, Ashton, what grade are you in?" Asks Sasha. I look up and is about to grab my journal when I notice it's not next to me. Uh-oh.
"Hey, speak when your spoken to, that's disrespectful." Mr.Louise scolds, I look up not wanting any trouble. "Honey, stop being rude." Sasha tells Mr.Louise. Mr.Louise' eyebrows are furrowed again and he looks at me in disapproval. "No Sasha, he should learn his manners like a human being, and it's rude to not speak when spoken to." He says and looks at me with a burning fury.
"You're just another one of those boys that think they're to cool to be well spoken. Just because you don't have parents you think it's okay to act like you own the Damn place." He says, pointing his accusing finger at me. "Dad st-" Layla starts but he cuts her off.
"No, you stop talking Layla, I need to put him in his place." He scolds me, my leg begins to shake. "You haven't talked once since this whole dinner. We've been asking you questions and all you do is shrug or shake your head. And that's missing me the fuck off!" He yells.
My head lowers and I look at my food. "Your mother probably didn't want you because of that, because you think that your tattoos and the streets as y'all say, will raise you. Hanging with your pant off your asses makes you look cool ,huh. Actually, you look like a dumbass. That's probably why you're in a foster home, because your parents wanted a better son." He says.
A small tears rolls down my cheek. IT'S not true.
I think to myself, non of what he's saying is true.
"Now I said stop!" Yells Sasha. "You need to shut up, your acting like an ass!" She yells. "What the hell is going on here?" A deadly quiet voice says. Without looking, I know it's Cassandra. "Why the hell is my son crying?" She says looking at Sasha and Mr.Louise.
She walks toward me and kneels by my side. She rubs my back slowly in a circle.
I try to suck up the tears, and act strong but another tear falls. And then another. What he's saying isn't right, he doesn't know what he's talking about.
"I'm saying that your son is a disrespectful ass. He's not holding his head up, he has tattoos running up and down his arms, and he's not speaking back when he's being spoken to-"
"That's because he's mute you cock-eyed jackass!" Yells Cassandra. Mr. Louise shuts up. He looks at me and the silent tears running down my cheeks then at Cassandra who's trying to calm down my building anger.
"Oh, well that still doesn't explain the why he has tattoos running up his arm of some dead bitch!" Yells Mr.Louise, trying to find more juicy dirt about me. "He ruined his life so much his parents put him up for adoption, you can tell the he-"
He's cut of again, but this time, he's cut off by me, and my once dormant anger issues. I slam my fist on the table and stand up slowly, then I make my way toward Mr.Louise.
He stands right where he is not moving or making a sound. I slip my shirt over my head, angry tears still running out of my eyes. Cassandra and the other girls gasp, I turn around so he can read it, and find out who that dead bitch is.
"Oh, so it's your mother."He says quietly, I pull my shirt back on and look at him. My eyes still silently pouring. This time I don't try to hide it. I fall to my knees in front of him, and lean forward to lay on my knees. Cassandra rushes forward and whispers sweet nothing's into my ear as I cry silently with my head in my hands.
"Get the fuck out of my house." She says quietly. When no one complies she yells loudly. "Get the fuck out!" She yells, I hear shuffles of feet and the front door closes.
A soft voice travels to my ears all of a sudden. "I'm sorry about my dad, he's, excuse my language, an asshole." I recognize the voice as Layla. "Is he going to be okay". She asks quietly. "Yeah, he's going to be alright. It's just, what your dad said, it must have hit him pretty hard." Cassandra tells her quietly.
"Okay, I hope you'll be alright Ash, on my part, your an awesome person. Don't believe what my dad says, he's judgemental. But I have to go before my mom comes. See you at school Ash." She says and walks away quietly. I hear the front door close.
"Come on Ashton, you should go get some rest." Cassandra says and pulls me up, I slowly turn and walk upstairs towards my bedroom. The tears still pour.
That night I I pulled down my journal that says live and wrote my first thought.
Dear Life,
They always say boys aren't supposed to cry, that they should be manly and show no weakness. But today I cried.
I cried in front of my new foster parent, Cassandra, and my neighbors that wanted to meet me. I also cried in front of the most beautiful girl I've ever seen.
They say it's okay to cry, that crying is for strong people, that have been strong for to long, but right then I felt weak and exposed. Like I was naked.
I could feel the harsh eyes of the neighbor that made me cry by bringing back flashbacks, when I had to be homeless for a few months, before the C.P.S van came to get me. It brung me to a place worse than the streets.
It's not true right, that I'm a dumbass boy that only cares about himself? No that's not true.
Yes I might be a tattoo lover, but that doesn't make me a bad person, does it? No it shouldn't.
But I cried today, not out of sadness or pain. Because they think I'm no different. They think I'm a useless piece of Shit that nobody gives a fuck about. Made me think that is why all the other foster homes sent me back, how long before this one sends me back too?
With hate,
Ashton