March 25th, 2018
Dear Cristian,
Remember the moment you 'claimed' me as your boyfriend? That blessed day we both threw aside our pride, our fears, our doubts, and just decided to be?
Be together, that is. On the most intimate level even.
The best day of my life.
Because I finally got what I wanted most in my life; to be with you.
To have you love me the way I have loved you for years already, and still do. To have you hold me in a way I previously could only fantasize about, because I never thought you would ever return the feelings I was struggling with for so long. To have you kiss my pain away, take my loneliness away, to tell me all the things you most like about me, whether I believed them or not.
Remember when we called, shortly after life went to hell and I asked you what country you wanted to visit most, and you answered Finland? Because it reminded you of me?
It's a thought that keeps me going right now; that you're back home, and have all these cheesy jokes to tell me, all these kind, sweet things to let me know.
That there's this highly romantic side to you, even though you claim romance is dead. Because romance, when thinking about you, is in the little things, the little actions. The fact you always know what to say, how to cheer me up, how to calm me down, pick me up, and move forwards together.
I'm blabbering, but these are the thoughts that made me pull through in the past few months, and I'm finally feeling a bit like me again lately. I finally feel like I'm allowed to hope again. To live again. How I no longer have to hold my breath, awaiting my faith. We both no longer have to hold our breath, we just need to have patience.
And I know – I was promised – we will meet each other soon. We could, today, if I wouldn't be the little chicken-shit that I am right now. But you have to know, and it's why I'm blabbering on about us right now, that I want nothing more than grab the little belongings that I have right now, take the first flight back, and go home. Home being with you, wherever that may be.
But it's not safe, and I'm unsure if either of us (I like to hope, dream, believe that we feel the exact same way about being pulled apart yet again) will survive another encounter with Jeffrey or... him.
Whether surviving is in a mental way, or even physical.
We can exhale again, Cris, after so long.
I will come home, and the day I will, I hope we will truly be together for the rest of our lives. And I'm secretly hoping you will claim me to be yours for the rest of our lives that day. I know if you won't, I probably will.
I'll always be yours, whether we're physically together or not.
Love,
Finn
P.S. I had to keep myself from signing this letter as Finn Evans. But that is an awesome name, huh? ;) I'm just to ecstatic about going home, to you, any day now.