That night I made sure to stay out of sight from john for obvious reasons. I had just taken a shower and was now laying in my bed thinking about them. Ever since I walked out of that building they were the only things on my mind. The last time I had a crush on someone was my freshman year in high school so this is still kinda new to me. I mean its okay to have feelings for one person, but what about two? Is that normal? I don't really know why I'm thinking about it anyways, it isn't like I could actually be with them.
Thoughts of john slowly start to creep into my head and I lose the little bit of happiness and as if it couldn't get any worse he was now pounding on my locked door. "You open this door now and maybe it wont be so bad for you. Hell you might even enjoy it!"
The words that came out of his mouth brought me to tears. I felt nothing but disgust and shame that my life has come to this. What have I done to deserve any of the things that have happened in the past year. I heard a loud clank like a bottle dropping but not shattering and heavy footsteps getting further and further away from me. Thinking about what he could do to me makes me want to puke. I got out of bed and went into my bathroom wanting to scrub away the dirty feeling that I've had ever since he almost raped me. I looked at myself in the mirror above the sink wondering if i'll ever like what I see.
The urge to cut becomes harder and harder to resist and I am weak and I need someone to hold me and tell me that it's going to be okay but nobody is here but me and this blade and I need relief. Relief that comes when I slice my skin open and as ugly and repulsive it is I control every aspect of it and I think that's why I can't stop.
The cuts from the previous night are still an angry red so I decide to use my other leg. The stinging sensation calms my head as I make the cuts. As I look down to see what I've done to myself the guilt starts to consume me. Who would ever love someone like me? I'm broken, a freak, and I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. Why am I here, in this world, when the one that I loved more than anything is five feet in the ground? That should be me, I should be dead, not her!
And it finally dawns on me why I'm in this current situation. She is dead because of me so now I'm paying for it. I deserve all of this because I killed my mother. And once more I break. I can't stop shaking and the sobs that are coming from my soul are endless. Blood from my leg stains the bathroom floor that I'm in a fetal position on trying to muffle my cries so john doesn't hear.
I should just end it right now. That would be better for everyone. Suicide filled my already hazy thoughts and my head is spinning. I cant find the blade it was just in my hands but its gone now. "Why can't I find it? I need to end it." I cry. I attempt to sit up but I'm too weak to move. I'm losing too much blood, maybe I don't even need the blade, maybe i'll just bleed out right here. With that thought a smile came to my face. I could finally see my mom again. Black dots filled my vision and my heart felt a little less broken with the thought of seeing her.
***
I'm now sitting in my math class with my mind on anything but the problems sitting in front of me. I almost killed myself last night and I'm not entirely sure how I feel about it. When I woke up on the bathroom floor I was confused at first and everything hit me at once. Blood was everywhere and it took forever to clean up. I couldn't cry anymore though I only felt numb. I was itching to get to school and out of that house. The time passes by slowly as I just sort of stared at the pre-test in front of me. Half the class was gone because we were dismissed once we finished. I was only on problem 12 out of 30. And it isn't because I don't know how to do them I just can't stop thinking about everything that's happened in the last two days.
"Katie are you alright? You're shaking." Someone said, pulling me out of my depressing thoughts. I look up at Professor Booth not meeting his eyes and just nod. "Don't lie to me Katie, everyone else is done with their test and you've just been staring into space for the last 30 minutes" he says in a gentle voice.
I look up to see that he is right. It's just him and me in the classroom. "I just don't know the problems." I lie and scramble to pack my things into my school bag.
"Don't leave," he says and grabs onto my arm just as I'm about to make a run for the door.
"We need to talk about what happened yesterday in the hall with my brother." Oh no.
"I just wasn't feeling good, now please I have to go." I raised my voice a little and jerked away from him. He keeps a firm grip, "I don't believe you and neither will Jordan." Im pretty sure the universe fucking hates me. He goes to pull me closer to him as a gesture of comfort and I lose it. The thoughts of john touching me replaying over and over in my head making me feel like Professor Booth is my father. "Don't touch me!" I yell and jerk away from him with everything I have and he lets go at my outburst. I make a run for the door, my vision blurring as tears form in my eyes. I hear him calling my name but I ignore him.
I'm going home. I physically and mentally cannot handle anymore.
When I get home I lock myself in my room like I usually do and crawl into bed completely exhausted. Why is he so worried about me? I don't get it. My head starts to pound while I try to figure all of this out. And its not like I can just avoid them because i'll have to see them at least 3 times a week for the next couple of months. Maybe i'll just act like I don't even know they exist. Forget about the whole thing entirely.
With the decision to just ignore them made there is still an uneasy feeling in my belly. Maybe for once something will go in my favor and this plan will work.
I've got no clue what time it is, I feel like I have been home for at least a couple hours at most. I heard a door slam outside which means John is home. I shudder at the thought of him being anywhere near me. I leave the warm confines of my bed to put the chair under my door knob to keep it closed. I release an audible sigh at the thought of not being able to eat again tonight. Honestly I don't even remember the last time I ate. I'll just have to get something at school tomorrow.
I grab my laptop and get back into bed to check my email to see if there's anything from my teachers. And there is, from no one other than Professor Booth.
Douglas Booth (douglass.booth@southflorida.edu)
To me:
Ms. Robichaux,
Please stop by my office tomorrow after your last class I would like to discuss your grade on the pre test. If you do not come I will be forced to give you an F.
Douglas Booth.
Have I ever mentioned how my plans usually always fail? Well this is proof. He's fucking blackmailing me? That's illegal! Someone is seriously out to get me, this I'm sure of. Maybe I could just drop his class and then I wouldn't have to worry about him.. but that still leaves my class with his brother. No matter what I do I can never win. Tears start to fall from my eyes is frustration. I have to go to his office tomorrow, I can't make an F.
After this extremely long and depressing day I go to bed with a heavy heart with thoughts of what is to come tomorrow and prepare myself for the worst.
A/N Sorry for the extremely long wait but here is the next chapter and what I want Jordan to look like :) enjoy xxxx.