6:09 P.M.
(Warning: Triggering Homophobia)
Dinner was supposed to be perfect.
When Keith first imagined Christmas dinner, what he visualized was something chaotic, something delightful, an event that everyone could enjoy. It held to his expectations, it was beautiful and vibrant, smells of different foods flooding everyone's senses and rumbling their tummies.
The McClain dining table had been extended to fit five more people. Smaller tables had been set up in the living room for the younger children, each one lined with a colorful tablecloth. Food decorated the dining table's wood surface; all adorned with red flowers and colorful tableware to go around. Jaime had set up the kitchen's corner radio to play christmas songs at low volume, and just the soft hum of music was enough to keep a steady, amiable mood throughout the house. The christmas dinner display had set the night up to be full of laughter and giggles - everything it was supposed to be.
It definitely started out that way. But did it end that way?
That was the question.
Not only were Lance and Keith dealing with their problems, but it seemed Abuela and Jaime were as well. Keith had noticed them bickering again in another room before dinner, the same conversation still plaguing their relationship. Everyone could see the tension between mother and son, even if It had, strangely enough, completely disappeared when dinner began. Keith wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing.
"Keith, tell me about your trip here!"
The boy was distracted, eyes staring down at his fork. It lingered across his food, leaving the homemade tamale alone on the plate.
"Keith," Danny said, nudging his arm and pointing over to Aunt Cassie.
"Oh?" Keith looked up from his plate, it obvious his head was in other places. "Sorry. What was the question?"
"Your trip. I hear you came down with Lance from Oregon?"
Keith nodded. Despite only having a few of the table guest's eyes on him, Keith felt rather put on the spot.
"Yeah. We met there."
"How'd you meet?"
Keith inwardly groaned, having already gone through the same conversation just a few nights prior. Thankfully Lance answered for him, describing in great detail their roommate situation. He was rather serious, Keith noted. It was something he wasn't used to - seeing Lance McClain devoid of his usual wicked look.
As Lance rambled on Keith let his mind wander, again toying with his dinner. He trailed his fork over the piles of food that decorated his plate, never eating anything despite the grumble of his stomach.
Lance. It was Lance on his mind. He'd denied Keith, claimed it was over the stress of family. It wasn't personal, the rejection was.
"So, Keith," a voice said, awakening him from his thoughts. "Why'd you agree to come down and join our lovely family?"
Keith looked up sharply, almost dropping his fork to the table, and he instantly felt uneasy.
It was Abuela.
Her voice was evenly pitched and loud. He didn't like it, and having such a tight, pompous woman speak to him with her nose in the air was proving to be intolerable. She'd never once spoken to Keith of her own accord before. They'd never had a real conversation, never once had she attempted to ask questions.
What made now any different?
"Excuse me?" He mumbled, setting down his fork.
She repeated her question bluntly, a second time far more impatient. "Why'd you come here?"
"Lance invited me," Keith fumbled, feeling sheepish under her gaze. "We'd been dating for a while - we only felt it was right that I meet the family."
She smiled. It was sweet - if you considered a tightly pulled, obviously forced smile on a seventy year old woman to be 'sweet'.
"I thought it was because you had nowhere else to go to for christmas?"
Keith's eyes widened in surprise.
What was Abuela playing at? Why was she asking these questions? She was more forward than he'd anticipated. Rosa and Jaime told her he was an orphan, he'd assumed that much. But touching on the orphan subject? That was one thing, but doing so publicly? And at the dinner table no less? That was a low call, especially for a woman as respectable as Lance's Abuela. Keith wasn't sure what she was doing, but so far it didn't appear anywhere near good.
He took a bite of food, mostly so he'd have time to think. Once the burning tamale slipped down his throat he spoke.
"You're right." Keith set down his fork casually. "I'm a foster kid. Lance offered to let me stay for Christmas. It's been a nice change for sure."
There was a pause between the two of them. Keith kept his face calm and contained, but Lance he wasn't so sure could do the same- the boy was holding his breath.
"We've loved having Keith here," Rosa interrupted, racing to fill the gap. "He's been a wonderful addition to the household."
Abuela never missed a beat.
"Wonderful for the household? Or wonderful for Lance?" She took a small bite of tamale, the look on her face oozing with something Keith couldn't quite place. Sarcasm? Anger? Passive Aggression? All three?
"I'd say Keith has been more than wonderful for everyone ." Rosa smiled, and it was forced, feigned, all terribly so. Keith couldn't name a single time ever seeing Rosa look so fake. Keith knew that Rosa didn't like her mother-in-law, and it was obvious even now that she didn't approve of Abuela's prying questions.
"I'm not sure about everyone ." Abuela's words were devilish- how she could speak so calmly and appear so terrifying was beyond Keith.
Then, as if he thought his words could come to the rescue, Jaime spoke. He didn't even look up from his food.
"Mother? Would you please just keep your observations to yourself? We are trying to have a peaceful dinner."
Keith chewed lightly, eyes shifting between Abuela and her son.
What was he missing?
"My observations are important, Jaime. You can't ignore them."
Something was going on - was it the fight Jaime and Abuela had been disagreeing over just a half hour earlier? Keith didn't know much context of their disagreement, though one thing could be certain; Keith was a source of that dissent. How much of a role he played was unsure, but he had his hunches.
One thing Keith seemed to gather was that Abuela was against Keith being in the home. The first night he'd met her, Abuela had been composed and kind - in her own strange, barely tolerable way. However, the more time went on, the more Keith discovered that Abuela was only using that as a cover. She was disappointed in Keith's presence- and when Abuela didn't agree with something? Then it was automatically deemed wrong.
A second thing Keith gathered was that Jaime - though still stressed and confused - was trying beyond a doubt to stand at Lance's side. Even if Lance himself didn't recognise it.
"Mother," Jaime repeated. Laying down a fork. "Please stop."
It was then that a switch had flipped.
One moment everyone was sitting quietly - Benji scarfing down food, the cousins conversing with Cleo at the corner of the table - and the next moment? Abuela was slamming her palm against the table.
"I have had enough. I have tried, Jaime, I have tried to be polite. I have done as you asked. I was nice to Keith. I tolerated Lance's lifestyle choice , but enough is enough."
Other dinner members turned their heads towards the noise, even the children stopped playing, each person no longer distracted with their own conversations. All eyes were on Abuela, and Keith could feel something coming that he knew deep inside would never end well.
"Stop this," Jaime forced out. "Now."
"Stop?" Abuela scowled. "I will not."
"This," Jaime began, motioning around the table. "I won't have it, this passive aggressive, snide way of fixing the things you don't like."
"I am doing nothing wrong! I am merely trying my hardest to do what's right."
"Mother, can we move this into the other room?" The words were pushed through grit teeth, his tone something Keith was sure he only used in the most dire of circumstances. Keith could only wonder if he used the same tone with his own children.
Abuela closed her fingers together on the table, pushing her plate away politely.
"Whatever you have to say can be said in front of my other children." She motioned to Aunt Cassie and Uncle Miguel, both of whom sheepishly looked away.
"What about the others?" Jaime exclaimed, turning and pointing to the rest of the audience; Diego and Aria, two cousins who sat at the end of the table with wide eyes and closed mouths, the children in the conjoined room, the rest of Jaime's children. Danny looked beyond uncomfortable, and Rachel obviously wasn't sure what to think. Sophia just looked in pain.
"They don't deserve this," He continued. "It is Noche Buena - I will not have it ruined with your disrespectful grudge towards my son and his-" Jaime paused, voice wavering, and Keith wondered if he'd even say it. He'd never said it before, never openly acknowledged it. He'd dug himself into a hole, there was no way out now.
"-Boyfriend. His boyfriend."
Keith only celebrated for a second, because then it all came crashing down.
Abuela had started it all. She'd been angry from the very beginning, her fury lingering from the fight between mother and son. Now she was getting it out, letting off steam, unloading the pressure - all by torturing Keith. Keith was her target. And Jaime? Jaime was just as angry as his mother was, but now he was trying to redeem himself. He'd made a mistake in the grocery store all those days ago, and this was his attempt at fixing it.
It wasn't working.
"Why are you defending me?"
Lance had spoken.
Keith looked at Lance for the first time since the meal had started. His face was red, eyebrows furrowed and lips pulled into a tight line. His emotions were hard to read - and it wasn't because he lacked any, no, it was because there was too much.
"Why are you defending me," Lance repeated, louder this time. His voice boomed across the dining room and into the kitchen like an echo. "You obviously didn't want to before."
"Lance," Rosa warned. "Don't add to this. Your father made his apology for the things he'd said."
"Okay, yes. But it's obvious he's still struggling! What is so bad about me being bisexual?"
Jaime swallowed, "I don't want to talk about that right now, okay? This is Christmas dinner, Lance. If you'd just-"
Abuela interrupted immediately. "Jaime, don't be ridiculous. I know you're struggling just as much as I am. Don't lie to your son, he doesn't deserve it."
And then Lance was turning his gaze on Abuela, voice verbally on the edge of cracking. "I don't deserve it? Of course I don't! I don't deserve you or my father to be so against-"
"Lance-" Sophia began, reaching her hand out towards her brother. She'd made the mistake of joining the conversation. "Maybe you should-"
"Oh shut up , Sophia. You're just as bad, so stay out of it."
There was a dramatic gasp from Abuela's side of the table, but it was too late.
"How dare you speak to Sophia that way!"
Lance was in dismay. "How dare I?" He countered this towards his grandmother, the words practically spat from his lips. His voice had gotten louder, just as Abuela's had. "How dare you. You've bullied Keith, disrespected me, and now you defend her? The grandchild who ran away?"
Abuela was infuriated. "I forbid you from treating her that way. Sophia has gone through terrible things and doesn't deserve her own brother, her own family, to treat her so disrespectfully."
"You forbid me?" Lance scoffed, suddenly standing up from the table. "I am just as important as Sophia! I've gone through just as much crap! I may like men, but that doesn't make me a mistake. It's a part of who I am!"
"Lance, maybe you shouldn't-"
"NO! I'm tired, tired of all this bullshit! Sophia abandoned me - if you, I don't know, forgot that specific detail. She abandoned all of us! She was gone for everything; Benji's chemo, me coming out, Cleo's science fairs, Josie's growing up - and for what? To come back home and automatically be accepted by Abuela? Ever since I came out all I've been is a disappointment!"
It was then that Abuela slapped her palm against the wood of the table. It made Keith jump in his seat, forcing all eyes on the tall, thin woman.
"You will close your mouth boy."
Keith wasn't sure what he'd expected. It had been a recipe for disaster, and the family had more than enough ingredients.
Keith sat still, his body nearly frozen to the core.
Everything ached. This family was falling apart, this family that he loved, and he couldn't seem to remember who's fault it was anymore. It was like a hammer had been brought to the face of a stone sculpture - pieces all flying.
Stop. Please. Stop.
The words repeated themselves in Keith's head, a broken record player he didn't know how to fix. He wanted so badly to say them, to say the words. He couldn't - his mouth was shut tight, string sewn through the skin.
Lance folded his arms. "Let's just get it all out there, yeah? Cards on the table."
"Alright then," Said Abuela. "Tell me how my grandson really feels."
"How really feel?" Lance bellowed this, his voice shaking. "I hate Sophia, and right now? I hate you!" Lance jabbed a finger in Abuela's direction. "I hate that Sophia is your favorite, and I hate that my romantic attraction has become an issue for you. It's not your life, Abuela!"
Cleo's voice shook, suddenly intruding in a place she shouldn't be. "Lance, please just stop -"
"Don't even get into this, Cleo." It was Danny who muttered the words, his voice suddenly a part of all the bickering.
"I know," Cleo cried, her eyes shifting between Lance and Daniel. "But I just think that maybe if Lance had left Sophia, Dad and Abuela alone then-"
"Wait, now you're defending Sophia too?" Daniel just didn't know when to stop, and obviously? Neither did his family.
"And you aren't?" Cleo stared at her brother, shock engulfing her face. "I thought you were better than this, Daniel."
Stop it. Stop it.
Daniel set his jaw. "Okay, but maybe Lance is right on this? Lance is right. He shouldn't be treated differently for his sexuality."
"Daniel," Rachel pleaded, hiking Isabella up on her lap. "Maybe you shouldn't interfere."
"Rachel, I know you want what's best, but right now I just want-"
Cleo's voice was like nails on a chalkboard. "I'm just trying to make peace ! And I'm not saying Lance shouldn't be treated differently, no! I'm just angry that you're defending his unnecessary anger!"
"I'm not really defending him, just defending the fact that he shouldn't be treated this way!"
Stop.
Cleo threw herself from the table, almost tipping her chair over in the process. "I'm not saying that Lance should be treated badly! I love Lance, you know that. I've always supported him and I've always agreed with who he was. But what I'm saying is that Lance is making this a bigger problem than it should be! "
"But he's right!" Daniel too had stood from the table, almost shaking his chair to the floor. "Abuela is playing favorites - she favors Sophia over him. I forgave Sophia, but it's still wrong! Of Abuela!
"Stop this," Sophia cried, tears pouring down her cheeks. "I don't want to be a part of this. I don't want you all fighting over whether or not Lance and I are more favored! We are both just as important."
Please stop this.
Lance growled, the noise rumbling in his throat. "Oh, back off. You're just part of the problem."
"Please," Rosa begged, tears staining the bottom of her eyelids. "Can we just finish this? These issues are real and valid, but they don't need to be said when you all are so angry. Can't we talk about this like rational people - when the emotion has died down?"
Stop.
"No," Lance spat. "I want to know what Cleo really has to say."
"What I have to say?" Cleo scoffed. "You don't care about that, you're just angry."
"Of course I'm angry! You're defending Sophia and Abuela!"
Stop.
"Yes, Sophia, but not Abuela! Sophia made a mistake, but have you ever gotten it through your thick ass head that maybe she's better than that? There's more to her than this 'evil sister' character you've envisioned her as! She's worked so hard to get where she is today and yet you just-"
Noise.
"Cleo, I swear to god-"
So much noise.
These were people Keith cared about. Watching them throw insults left and right was an experience Keith wasn't accustomed to, and it showed no sign of stopping. A part of Keith knew that Cleo was right. Her side of the argument was triggered by her natural urge to fix things; she was the peacemaker. She had too much of Rosa in her, too much of that genuine care, too much of that urge to be the arbitrator. Cleo had once said it herself, said that Rosa's need to make people happy got in the way of the big picture.
Then, Daniel? The eldest son had chosen sides - which was never a good thing.
Hadn't their car ride done anything? What happened to the songs they sang, the games they played in the tree forest? What happened to feeling like everything could be okay? Why had the grudge suddenly reemerged?
"LANCE."
Keith spoke, and his tongue felt like fire. It burned, searing the edges of his vocal cords.
Lance didn't turn at the sound of his name, and Keith gripped the boy's hand in an attempt to reach him. Lance was in too deep, but he hadn't heard. Lance was too far gone, he was too angry, too furious.
"LANCE, STOP!"
Keith never remembered standing up, nor did he remember ever shouting. It had somehow grabbed everyone else's attention - Cleo stopped intruding, Daniel stopped defending. Lance's hand was hot in Keith's palm, covered in sweat and violently shaking.
"Lance, you need to calm down; I need you to rethink. You need to sort through what's going on. You're shaking."
In hindsight, Keith should've walked away. He should've let the family deal with their own problems. He should've never interfered. Except, deep beneath all those vicious words and the sharp language? Keith was a part of the problem.
"Keith, get out. You're not a part of this. This isn't your family, so can you just back off."
"Lance-" Keith tried again, lip quivering. He tried to ignore the malice in Lance's voice.
"This isn't your vacation, this isn't your fight to be a part of."
Keith held even tighter to Lance's hand, squeezing it so tightly he thought it might crack. People were staring, they'd turned, their eyes on the two boys as if glued.
"Lance, please-"
Lance wrenched his hand from Keith's grasp. "Will you STOP? You're not even my boyfriend! So stop acting like one. "
Silence.
The words. They weren't a secret anymore. The truth? It was out.
The two boys had planned from the very beginning to never tell. They'd made a promise, a pact, one that sealed a deal. This deal? No one was to know their true relationship. The boys weren't lovers. And, with the way Lance was acting? Keith was positive they never could be.
You're not even my boyfriend, so stop acting like one.
Everyone was silent, pins could drop, dust could be heard as it fell. The only sound was the radio - a factor everyone had forgotten about. Jingle bells played at low volume, and Keith decided he could never listen to that song the same way again.
It hurt, and Keith could feel tears begin to fall. It hurt that Lance had broken their promise. Now Keith was the liar, the fake. What would the family think of him now?
"I don't need you holding my hand." Lance spoke on.
They were all staring. Everyone was there, everyone was watching. Eyes big and small, belonging to old and the young - all were on them.
"I don't have feelings for you-"
Keith didn't want them looking, he wanted them gone, away before Lance said something he'd regret.
"I don't need you babying me-"
Not that he'd already done that. He ruined everything. Everything.
"And I don't care about you, Keith."
Images of a boy Keith once knew clouded his vision. He was so happy, smiling, laughing. Then? The images were replaced. Replaced with a new boy, a taller boy, a man so similar, but so different. But that smile, it was that smile, the same one. Why did they have the same face? Crooked grin, tilted up to heaven on one side and down to hell on the other.
Who was he?
Where had he gone?