Pacifica sighed dreamily at a certain boy as Mabel sat across from her and uncomfortably took a long sip of her strawberry milkshake, slurping intentionally through her crazy curly straw.
"Um... Pazzy? You're staring again." Pacifica blinked her long, mascara covered lashes innocently as she grinned and giggled in a lovestruck fashion.
"I know, but it's hard not to!" she said in a breathy tone. "He's just so... Perfect..." Mabel craned her neck around and looked scrutinizingly over her shoulder at the certain boy who had caught Pacifica's eye a few months ago and been the object of the blonde girl's desires ever since.
"He's smacking Bill with his book for pouring water on his head." Mabel replied flatly. "Ooh, stunning." Pacifica rolled her eyes.
"You're just weirded out 'cause he's your brother." she retorted. "You don't see him the same way I do." Mabel took one look at the dopey, lovestruck face that Pacifica was making and promptly muttered
"Thank the Lord for that." She sipped at her milkshake forlornly. When Pacifica had called her up and eagerly asked if Mabel would accompany her to Greasy's, Mabel was thrilled. She had a crush on the blonde bigger than the fucking sun.
...clearly, her affections weren't reciprocated.
Pacifica had somehow found out through her countless connections that Dipper, and his best friend Bill, were hanging around there, and got Mabel to come with her so that she didn't look creepy and lonely. Mabel swirled her straw around in her glass. Pacifica had been staring at and/or gushing about Dipper for the entire time that they'd been there. Mabel curled the ends of her hair around one finger.
At least she got a milkshake out of the deal.
Pacifica gave another dreamy sigh of contentment, and Mabel had to resist thudding her head against the table. She opted to look over her shoulder to see what Dipper had just done that was so worthy of Pacifica's sighs.
"Oh come on Paz, they're spraying each other with condiments!" Mabel objected. "See? That was five packets of ketchup. Susan's gonna have a fit."
"But he's laughing and it's so very cute!" Pacifica replied, giggling ecstatically. As Mabel watched, Bill picked up his napkin and gently wiped some mustard off of Dipper's cheeks. Dipper gave him a grateful smile and said something to Bill that set the two of them off laughing again. Mabel narrowed her eyes.
That... Was suspiciously sweet of Bill.
He'd been her brother's best friend long enough for her to know him pretty well. And Bill was not the kind of gentleman to wipe mustard off of another person's face. He was much more likely to try and smear it in that other person's eyes and laugh as they screech in pain. Mabel's eyes widened as the pieces clicked together in her head.
"Ohmygod, Pacifica, he's gay!" she said with a gasp, looking back at the blonde girl. Pacifica frowned.
"Who, Bill?" she said dismissively. "I'm not too surprised, honestly. Did you see what he was wearing the other day, that pink button up with the blue bow tie and white suspenders–" Mabel didn't let her finish.
"No! I mean, yeah, we all saw that one coming, but not just Bill! Dipper is!" Pacifica's expression morphed from scornful to dumbstruck.
"What?" she demanded. "He can't be gay! He just... Can't be!" The more Mabel thought about it, the more sense it made.
"I think he is, oh my God, he totally is." she exclaimed, as an undertone of excitement that was probably inappropriate considering that Pacifica was sitting in front of her rose in her voice. Pacifica clenched a perfectly manicured hand.
"No, this can't be!" she said, a bit distraught. "Mabel, what makes you think he's gay?!" Her tone was so vicious that Mabel grew a bit defensive.
"Hey, there's nothing wrong with being gay." the brunette replied, tone guarded. "I'm pan, remember?" Pacifica paused for a second, expression softening a bit.
"Oh, Mabes, I didn't mean it like that." she said. "There's absolutely nothing wrong with being gay, or pan, or any other sexuality. They're all perfectly wonderful." Mabel relaxed, and as she did, Pacifica's emerald colored gaze became steely once more. "That being said, I refuse to accept that Dipper is gay without concrete evidence." Mabel nodded slowly.
"Challenge accepted." the brunette replied mischievously, eyes brightening as an idea dawned on her head. She took a long, slow, sip of her milkshake. "Let's make a bet out of it." Pacifica quirked an eyebrow at her.
"Oh? I'm listening." she replied, lacing her fingers together. Mabel leaned back against the booth's cushion.
"If I manage to collect proof, enough proof to prove that Dipp's gay, you have to do a favor for me. However, if I fail to obtain such proof within a week, and then confront Dipper at the end of it only to discover my error, I have to do a favor for you." Pacifica tapped a finger on her chin, golden bangle bracelets jangling as she did.
"I do hate having to order random strangers to muck out the horse's stalls..." the blonde said, considering the offer. Mabel gulped. Horses were fun! Horse poop was not. Pacifica grinned daringly at Mabel. "I accept." The girls shook hands. "And Mabel Pines, we have to agree to play fair. Neither of us are allowed to try and convince Dipper one way or the other about his sexuality." Mabel flipped her brown hair over her shoulder.
"Fair is my middle name, next to Glitter Queen and Rachel, which is my official middle name!"
"Then my second middle name is fair too!" Pacifica exclaimed. "Pacifica Elise Fair Northwest!" This caused both girls to crack up, and Mabel swore that her heart swelled and was about to burst. Oh how she hoped that her hunch was correct! She loved this girl so much, and she'd smack Dipper (despite it technically not being his fault) if she lost her chance with Paz because of him. Mabel looked over her shoulder at the two boys. Bill had stretched out so that one arm was behind Dipper's shoulders. His fingers twitched, like he was itching to wrap that arm around the brunette boy in front of him. Mabel smiled. Well, at least there was one person she could count on to help her.
~~~~~~~~~~~
"Bill!!!" Mabel cried out in a sing-song voice, causing him to stop. He had just been leaving the Shack to go home and help his brother fix dinner. She didn't know much about the Cipher's living conditions, but she did know that Bill rarely talked about his family apart from his twin Will, and that despite the fact that Bill and Dipper were practically joined at the hip nowadays, her brother had never been over to Bill's house. Bill also always made sure to get home on time to help Will make dinner, so he glowered at her impatiently.
"I'd love to stay and chat, Shooting Star, but make it quick."
"Great, straight to the point!" she said with a grin. "Or should I say, gay to the point?" Bill stared at her incredulously.
"What the hell are you talking about?" he demanded. Mabel huffed at him.
"Well are you? Gay?" Bill spread his arms wide in disbelief.
"You're seriously asking me this?" he said. "Star, that's like asking if snow is cold or if the sun is hot or if murder is unfortunately not legally acceptable no matter your intentions."
"I'm not questioning that last part of your statement!" Mabel replied, probably sounding way more cheerful than she meant to. Bill eyed her scrupulously.
"I really do have to go, but why exactly are you wondering this?" Mabel opened her mouth, but Bill interrupted. "And if you say 'no reason' I will not hesitate to choke you."
"Because I was maybe wondering if you 'n Dip-Dips would potentially ever consider turning the he and he into a we?" Mabel asked, making a motion with her separate hands as she said he, then clasping them together as she said we.
"You're asking me if we would ever consider fusing together to create one person?" Bill asked dryly. "We shall name him Bipper, and–" Mabel made a face at him.
"You know that's not what I meant!" she said. "Would you and Dippin' Dots ever start datinggggg?" She drew out the g, wiggling her eyebrows at Bill as she leaned forward in anticipation for his answer. He placed his hand on her face and pushed her forcefully back.
"If Will's had a nervous breakdown because I'm late, it's all your fault Shooting Star." Bill simply told her, then walked off, an obnoxious smirk on his face, like he knew something that she didn't. Mabel inflated her cheeks with air then released it in an angry huff. Oh, Dipper was going to hear about this. Mabel marched into the Shack and flung open the door to the twin's shared attic bedroom. Dipper was, as she expected, flopped on his bed, reading a book.
"Dipper, can you pick a less infuriating person to hang around next time?!" she asked, crossing her arms in anger. "Obnoxious! He is the epitome! Of! A! Terrible! Person!" Dipper rested his book on his stomach.
"You're talking about Bill, I presume?" When Mabel nodded rapidly, Dipper simply shrugged. "That's just Bill for you. You get used to the snarky slights after getting to know him." Mabel didn't miss the quirked smile that was now gracing her brother's face as he talked about his best friend. "And he's not a terrible person, take that back." Mabel raised an eyebrow at her twin.
"He poured water on your head!" she objected. Dipper pushed his bangs out of his eyes.
"To be fair, I was kinda reading instead of paying full attention to him." Dipper paused, and pointed at Mabel. "Wait, how did you know that Bill poured water on me?" Mabel froze. She gave a breathy, awkward laugh.
"I didn't? What are you talking about?" Dipper tried to say something, but she pulled a handful of attack glitter out of her sweater sleeve, threw it on the ground, and ran. "ABORT MISSION!!!!!!"
"WERE YOU SPYING ON US?! MABEL!!!" She still heard Dipper's indignant cry from upstairs, but Mabel just kept running. She dove onto the couch and lay there, giggling. Waddles hopped up onto the cushion next to her, and she sat up to talk to her pet.
"Spying on him? And his boyfriend? What, no, Dip's insane!" she whispered conspiratorially to the pig, giggling madly. "I know that he's hiding something, Waddles, I can read my bro like a book! Pazzy doesn't know what she's talking about." Rolling off the couch, Mabel scooped Waddles up into her arms. "Now c'mon! You're gonna help me, spy patrol pig!!!" Waddles oinked, clearly giving his express permission and consent.
~~~~~~~~~~
"Alpha Pig One, come in Alpha Pig One." Mabel spoke into her headset, squinting at Waddles overtop of her sunglasses. "Alpha Pig One, this is Home Base, agent DJ Mae-Mae. Come in Alpha Pig One." Waddles oinked. Mabel broke character and "aww'd" at her pet, clasping her hands together. "Oh Waddles, you sweet little angel!" Said "angel" had a Go Pro attached to his head. It had taken Mabel a couple of tries, but she had finally managed to slip it onto the porker by distracting him with a spoonful of peanut butter and sprinkles. Mabel picked Waddles front hooves up in her hands and made him do a little dance. "We're gonna prove Pazzy wrong, aren't we?" she said determinedly. Reaching over, she clicked the Go Pro on. "Now go, get me footage of Dipps being super duper gay! Operation: Straight As The Rainbow is a go!" Giving Waddles a little push, he walked into the living room.
Mabel gave her pig a good twenty minutes before casually strutting into the living room herself. Dipper and Bill were still on the couch, as they had been when she sent Waddles into the living room. She had to contain her joyful squeals.
"Heyyyyy boys!" she greeted them, grinning. Dipper barely gave her half a bored glance, still focusing on the space documentary that he and Bill were watching, whereas Bill gave her a wicked grin.
"Hey there Shooting Star." he purred in a tone that made Mabel uncomfortable. "So, your fucking attack pig tried to eat the popcorn." Mabel gasped, clenching her fists.
"If you so much as hurt a molecule on his precious little hide–" she hissed, Bill narrowing his eyes in challenge. Mabel hated the dude, but she had to admit that he could do makeup amazingly. That winged eyeliner was sharp enough to kill a man.
"Relax Mabes, Waddles moved along into the kitchen after Bill growled at him." Dipper informed her, pausing the documentary. "Also, why was he wearing that Go Pro?" Mabel stuck out her tongue at Bill, who flipped her off in response. She gave a offended gasp, before flipping her hair sassily and striding into the kitchen. Waddles was curled up under the table and chewing on a scrap of napkin. Mabel sighed and pulled the napkin out of his mouth, before removing the Go Pro. Well, if Dipper was telling the truth, then the footage was absolutely useless. She trudged upstairs, Waddles bounding behind her. Mabel plugged the Go Pro into her laptop, and clicked IMPORT FILES before leaving it to upload. Well then. Plan B it was.
~~~~~~~~~~~
"DipppPPPPER!!!" Mabel waited until she heard her brother's footsteps before turning up the volume on her stereo. While Bill and Dipper had finished their nerdy documentary, Mabel had been busy. And did she have a plan. Dipper entered the room a moment later, Bill unsurprisingly right behind him. She watched her brother's face as a scarlet flush overtook his cheeks. Disco Girl was playing loudly from the speakers, and poor Dipper looked about ready to asphyxiate. A grin was slowly growing on Bill's face. Mabel tossed confetti in the air as she cheered and shook her hips. "C'mon bro-bro, this is your shower jam! Or would you prefer Lady GaGa? You listen to her all the time too, right?" Dipper sputtered as she jumped and down, dancing along to the music.
"Mabel–!" he began, face still a bright red, but cut himself off when Bill began singing along to the song. "Wait, you listen to BABBA too?" Bill shrugged.
"Occasionally. And Lady GaGa too, whom I quite honestly prefer." Dipper elbowed his friend as he began to laugh.
"Okay, one, I had no idea that you listened to girly music too, and two, BABBA is much better than Lady GaGa." Bill suddenly grabbed Dipper's hands in his own.
"Nah Pine Tree, you're absolutely wrong, but that doesn't matter, so dance with me!" Mabel not so subtly pulled her phone out of her pocket and took a picture. Dipper protested, but gave in, and Mabel got quite a few good pictures of the two dancing and laughing their heads off before Bill noticed. "Ey, Star, no paparazzi, 'kay? Not everyone can handle this face." He pursed his lips and mocked Mabel's hair flip from earlier. That, of course, brought the picture taking to Dipper's attention.
"Mabel! Stop it!" he said, wrenching his hands away from Bill's. That caused Bill to glower at Mabel, his pissed expression clearly reading 'look at what you did, you monster'. Mabel crossed her arms and scowled as the two left the room.
~~~~~~~~~
"Okay, is it just me, or has Mabel been acting... Stranger than usual?" Dipper asked Bill. The brunette had just finished dusting rainbow colored glitter off his clothes, as his twin sister had assaulted him with homemade glitterbombs. While that might not sound intimidating, anyone with a mild dose of common sense knows that Mabel and glitter are not a force to be reckoned with. Ever.
"Pine Tree, Shooting Star always acts like a hamster on Red Bull and cocaine, 'strange' is her normal," the blonde replied, flicking stray specks of glitter into Dipper's curls. Dipper smacked Bill's hands away. "Okay, yeah, but normally her branch of strange has no bounds. There seems to be a surprising method to her madness lately, and I can't explain why."
"Can anyone explain why?" Bill questioned, hands gravitating towards the brunette's hair again.
"Good point," Dipper admitted, before once again smacking Bill's hands away from his hair. "What is your deal with my hair?"
"It's so messy, do you not understand basic hygiene?" Bill demanded, flicking a few stray specks of glitter from Dipper's cheeks. Dipper scowled, and crossed his arms with a childish huff of frustration.
"Yeah, Mum, I actually do," he replied crossly. Bill grinned cheekily at him.
"Pine Tree, how kinky of you! If you were into that sort of thing, you should have mentioned–" Dipper quickly covered the blonde's mouth with one of his hands.
"Shut up, no more of that–" Bill starting wiggling his eyebrows at the brunette, causing Dipper to remove his hand. "Oh come on, do you have to turn everything dirty?!"
"Absolutely," Bill replied seriously.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Her seven days were almost over. And, to her horror, she had no evidence of Dipper's sexuality. At least, no evidence that was concrete enough to prove anything beyond a doubt. There were little things, sure. Between Dipper's music taste, (extremely dubious) willingness to watch Say Yes To The Dress and America's Next Top Model with Mabel, and general disposition, the gaydar was going off. But... But...
Pacifica wanted something more than that. And unless Mabel delivered... Horse poop was her fate. And horse poop was NOT a fun fate.
Mabel had even gotten desperate enough to try outright asking Bill about Dipper's preferences. All she got was that infuriating smirk of his and a know-it-all look in his eyes, and she despised it. And him. Although he agreed with her that Selene was a bitch and should have been kicked off ANTM in the first episode, not the twelfth, so he couldn't be pure evil. Just 99.98% evil.
Never before had a knock sounded so ominous. When Mabel gave her permission to enter, the blonde girl marched into the room, clearly all business.
"Well?" Her eyes searched Mabel's face inquiringly. "Do you know? Do we have an answer?"
"Hush, Pazzy, and all will be revealed soon," Mabel tried to make her tone sound mysterious, hoping to stall for as long as she could. Pacifica raised a perfect eyebrow at her, but she just grinned back, trying to make the smile stretch across her face as far as it could.
Mabel slowly built her case, starting with Dipper's music preferences, and going from there. Pacifica, clearly, was not impressed. When the brunette girl finished, Pacifica shook her head slowly, a triumphant smile on her pink glossed lips.
"Sorry Mabes, but we both know that isn't enough proof. You're building your case off of stereotypes, and Dipper doesn't even fit them all." Mabel sighed and hung her head, before plopping back onto her bed, nearly hitting her head on her laptop. She pulled the device onto her stomach.
"I knowwwww..." She whined. "But I had to try???" Pacifica patted her head sympathetically.
"I'm sure you put forth your usual amount of Mabel-esq effort, but in the end, you simply can't prove something that isn't true." Mabel groaned and covered her face with her sweater sleeves.
"I'm still holding out for bisexual," she replied, her words a bit muffled. Pacifica laughed and nodded a bit.
"I'll give you that one. Maybe. Possibly. If I'm feeling especially generous towards my horse stall cleaning service."
"Shit," Mabel muttered, purposefully making a pun, the action causing both girls to burst into giggles. When she had finally calmed down enough to speak through her hysteria, Mabel pointed at her laptop.
"I really did go all out trying! Wanna see video footage of Bill and Dipper being boring and watching a documentary like nerds?" Pacifica shrugged indifferently.
"Sure, why not?" Mabel booted up her laptop, and opened the file that had been imported from the Go Pro. She hadn't actually watched any part of the video, and she'd probably delete it after watching it this once with Pacifica.
The video started off, of course, with Mabel saying "Now go, get me footage of Dipps being super duper gay! Operation: Straight As The Rainbow is a go!" The two girls snickered, and Pacifica elbowed Mabel who elbowed her right back. Meanwhile, in the footage, Waddles had entered the living room. He sat down in the middle of the floor. Being a pig, he was mostly focused on some stray Cheeto dust that he found on the carpet, so the girls got a lovely couple minutes of watching the wall while the pig licked at the carpet. Cheeto dust properly cleaned up, Waddles had stared at the documentary for maybe four minutes. It was boring to the girls, but apparently the pig had found it fascinating. Bill said something at one point, but neither of them could figure out what. Eventually Waddles had turned around, and they finally got a shot of the two boys.
Dipper was lounging comfortably on the couch, Bill resting his head on Dipper's shoulder. Mabel let out an 'aww', to which Pacifica stuck out her tongue. As they watched, Bill leaned up and whispered something in Dipper's ear, causing the brunette to poke him.
"Hush, I'm trying to watch," he said distractedly, not even bothering to look at his friend. Bill, not usually one to be so easily thwarted, began to pout. Mabel cackled at the put-out expression on his face, and Pacifica didn't bother to suppress her smirk.
"He's a clingy three year old, honestly," the blonde girl said, pointing at Bill. Mabel nodded in agreement. Bill stopped pouting, looked up at Dipper for a moment, and then gently rested a hand on one of his cheeks. Mabel's jaw nearly dropped as she watched a blush color its way across her twin's face. Bill said quietly said something else, then leaned up, tilted Dipper's face towards him, and kissed him.
"WHAT?!" Pacifica shrieked, clenching her hands into fists. "Mabel Pines, I thought you said... What... I can't... What?!" Mabel's jaw really had dropped this time, and she watched in pure shock as Dipper slowly began to kiss back with a sort of familiarity. This certainly wasn't his first time kissing Bill, Mabel just knew it.
"I can't believe it!" She slammed the lid of the laptop shut. "Dipper is gay! And apparently Bill is a bit more than his best friend!" Pacifica snorted derisively.
"Oh, you think?!" Her tone was snarky and bitter. Mabel leapt off her bed and began dancing around crazily.
"I KNEW IT, I KNEW IT, I KNEW IT!!!" She gave herself another few moments of well-earned triumph, before grabbing Pacifica by the wrist. "C'mon! We have to go mock them!" The blonde gave a short sigh, before smiling.
"I kinda already accepted that you were right," she admitted. "I mean, he is your twin and you know him best." She slid off of Mabel's bed, and the two girls dashed down the stairs.
Mabel skidded on the kitchen floor, her socks sliding along the floor, Pacifica giggling behind her. Bill and Dipper were seated at the table, Dipper half-reading a book, and Bill–
"Hey! Those are my limited edition cheddar Chipackers!" Mabel exclaimed, pointing accusingly at the box in Bill's hands. The blonde smirked and ate another one. This resulted in Mabel rounding on her brother, indignant. "Dipper Pines! Did you give your boyfriend my food?" Dipper, whose eyes were currently trained on the book merely muttered a faint "yep". But it was enough.
"SO YOU ADMIT THAT BILL IS YOUR BOYFRIEND!!!" Mabel screamed, jumping up and down. The book slipped from Dipper's hands with a crash, the brunette boy staring at his sister and her friend with wide eyes. Pacifica made eye contact with him, and smiled knowingly. Bill merely ate another cheddar chipacker, quite entertained by the whole scene.
"Bill... B-boyfriend?" Dipper blushed and tried to hide it by ducking his head. "I... That's ridiculous Mabel... Don't... Don't..."
"Don't what, bro-bro? Tell the absolute truth?" Mabel crowed, her hands on her hips. "I have video footage of you and Bill smooching! Canoodling all over the couch!" Bill's smirk widened as Dipper buried his face in his hands.
"Oh my gosh, this isn't happening!" He complained. Bill leaned over and wiped the cheese dust from his fingers on Dipper's shirt sleeve.
"It's happening babe, I told you Shooting Star would find out eventually if we didn't tell her," he said, tone not at all sorry. He met eyes with Mabel and winked at her. And that was when Mabel realized that Bill had purposefully made sure that he kissed Dipper while Alpha Pig One was filming them.
That infuriating bastard!
Mabel shook her head at him as he planted a kiss on top of Dipper's head.
"Just admit it, Dipper," Pacifica said, crossing her arms and looking at him with a faint smile. "Let's hear it, come on." The brunette peaked his head up a bit, before speaking.
"Bill... Bill is my–"
"–sexy as heck boyfriend, who just so happens to be great in be–"
"NO!!!" Mabel, Pacifica, and Dipper all simultaneously yelled, cutting off Bill's egotistical mini rant.
"Excuse you all," he pouted, a bit miffed. Dipper brushed the cheese stains off his shirt, before reaching over and taking Bill's hand.
"Bill is my boyfriend," he finally said, smiling widely at him. "Although he can be infuriating, clingy, immature–" Bill jammed a hand over Dipper's mouth.
"Shh, such dirty, dirty lies, Pine Tree!" He pretended to look offended. "How dare you let such filth spill from between your lips?" As he said this, he eyed Dipper with a sultry look. Pacifica pretended to gag, and Mabel backed up a few steps.
"Okay boys, have fun, but not too much fun," she commanded them. "Also, don't you dare have sex in the kitchen! Okay bye! Come on Pazzy!" Mabel quickly sped off, Pacifica running behind her. As she ran, she heard Bill yell after her.
"GO GET YOUR GIRL, SHOOTING STAR! YOU ARE A TIGER!!! RAWR!" She nearly tripped.
"SHUT UP, CIPHER, I STILL HATE YOU," she called back, blushing.
"SHAME, I DON'T CARE," was all that he yelled back.