Reaching the train station finally, I go straight to the waiting area of the one that no longer runs. There's always at least one of these stations for whatever reason.
Slowing down the moment I get here, the tears have finally slowed down a great deal. Biting my lip softly, I tug at my jacket to pull it tighter as I walk over to one of the benches.
I sigh softly as I look over at the tracks. They decommissioned this one just a year and a half ago. I'd still been away at that time when they'd decommissioned it. Broke my heart when I found out, as it's the one the runs from here back to home.
It's the exact location of the last time I'd seen Sohjae, my dance instructor before I'd come here.
Pulling my knees up to my chest and wrapping my arms tightly around my legs, I lean forward slightly so that I can rest my chin on my knees. I didn't want to leave Jungkookie. I just couldn't take it anymore.
I couldn't handle listening to them yelling and arguing. It was like being home all over again. Mom and Dad fighting and yelling like there's no tomorrow. Like there's nobody around to hear. Except it was worse because they were fighting because of me. It was my fault this time. Though, then again, some would say that it's my fault my parents would fight as much as they do.
Sitting here in silence, I can hear the hustle and bustle of the other stops at the station. Hearing the trains rolling in and the faint horn of the trains occasionally. I don't know why, but it's always been a comforting sound. Always been comforting to just sit and listen to it all, though not having to be a part of it.
Truthfully, it hurts sometimes though. When things slow down a bit and you can actually overhear some of the conversations. Some of them being people on the phone with their significant other in a happy tone, others being there with kids and talking to them about things.
It's always been painful to overhear those things. Though, that's just because it's things I've never had. A happy family. Happiness in general, really. Outside of Kookie, I don't know that I could tell you the last time I was genuinely happy. Although, I guess that'd be a lie. There was one other time, but even then. It was a mistake to be happy and I wasn't even fully happy because of my family life.
"Minnie? You should get coming home soon, babes. It's really late and most everyone's asleep at this point. Jin, Jee, Yoongi, and Jungkook are the only ones still up at home and that's just because they're all worried about you." Chae says softly as she walks over and takes a seat beside me on the bench.
"What time is it." I ask quietly, my voice hardly audible as it comes out as more of a statement than anything.
"Three in the morning. How're you holding up?" She answers, looking over at me. I sigh, just shrugging my shoulders.
"I'm thinking of going home." I tell her honestly. She's the only person I've ever been able to be completely open and honest with in regards to just about everything. She frowns though.
"Why would you do that, Minnie? We're so close to debuting, so close to finally being able to get started with everything. You've put in so much hard work and so many hours for this, honey." She questions gently. I shrug though.
"So that I don't make a further fool out of myself than what I've already done. Hobi was right in saying that I don't belong here. All I've been doing lately is causing problems. I've been struggling in all of my work for the last month now and then I'm causing issues amongst their band. All I wanted was to make all of you happy and proud. Instead, I'm causing more problems and pain than what it's worth. Than what I'm worth." I explain.
"Minnie, baby, you aren't the one causing the pain and the problems. Everyone loves having you around except for your brother for whatever reason. He's the one who's causing all the troubles. You and I both know the only reason you've been struggling to make a ton of headway the last month, isn't because of you either.
"Honey, the only time you get as sensitive, exhausted, and start desperately struggling is when you're suddenly beginning to get treated poorly again. When you're having things happen that remind you too much of your past. Minnie, Mina's even thinking of leaving him just because of how terrible he's been towards you. She's tired of his shit and how he's been acting in general, just like the rest of us. None of this is your fault." She tries to persuade me.
"He wouldn't be causing any problems though, if it weren't for me. Mina wouldn't be thinking of leaving him if I weren't around as he wouldn't be acting in such a way that she'd dislike. Besides, you girls would probably do much better without me anyways. It's not like I had ever planned to come here in the first place as it is, Chae." I tell her quietly.
"We would not do better without you, Minnie. All of us girls, including myself, look to you for direction and information. Besides, think of all the pain you'd be bringing everyone if you left. It would break every one of the girls hearts, including mine. It would kill Jungkook if you left now. He's really come to adore you, Minnie. Even most of the boys would be quite sad to see you go." She informs me. I just shrug.
"It'd be for the best. I was never cutout nor meant for this career anyways. Never meant to lead anyone." I respond quietly. She sighs with a frown.
"Minnie, please don't do this, sweetheart. I know you're under a lot of stress and pressure, and you've got at least a few different people it seems that's giving you shit on a constant basis. You're stronger than that though. Better than it, honey. You're doing amazing with everything that you've been working on and the songs you wrote the other week were absolutely amazing." She tries again, placing a hand on my shoulder.
"I just want to quit, Chae. I just want it all to stop. I'm tired of all of it. Of not being good enough. Of constantly being torn apart like it means nothing to anyone. Of pretending that everything's just fucking fine when it's not. I just want everything to stop and end already." I cry. Dropping my head so that my forehead's now resting on my knees, I begin crying as Chae pulls me into her side and rubs my back gently.
"I know, sweetheart. I know." She whispers softly, sorrow in her voice.
I'm hardly awake when we finally reach the house later that night, or... morning I guess. I'd fallen asleep at some point while Chae was carrying me back to the house, but I woke up from a car honking at some random thing or another just a little bit ago.
As she closes the door softly behind her, I hear someone spring up from the living room before quick footsteps could be heard coming towards our direction. I don't even bother looking up, burying my face in Chae's neck tiredly and sadly. I know I look like hell at this point and I don't really want to see anyone right now as it is.
"Minnie! Oh god, Chae, is she okay?" I hear Kookie's voice speak worriedly.
"It's been a long night, Jungkook. I think you should just go get some sleep." She tells him quietly, trying to keep me from waking up completely.
"What happened?" He asks, his words slow as hesitation and worry further fills his voice.
"Nothing, Jungkook. But it's been a really long night, and you need to get some sleep." She informs him. I sigh though, knowing the only way to get him to quit asking questions.
Carefully and tiredly sliding myself off of Chae's back, I stumble and walk over to him instead. Grabbing his hand weakly, I stumble once more as I attempt to drag him to his bed.
"Minnie? Are you okay?" He asks, his voice gentler this time as he instead pulls me back into him. I just groan at his actions, wanting nothing more at this point but to sleep.
"I'm fine, Kookie, but I want to sleep. Please?" I respond tiredly, rubbing at one of my eyes as I struggle to stay awake enough to stand.
"Okay, I'm sorry. Come here. Come on, I'll carry you. Let's go." He whispers softly, not even bothering to put me on his back as he literally just carries me in his arms until we've reached the bed. He lays me down before crawling in himself, not bothering to fight me on the fact that I'm not in pajamas this time. Once he's in bed, I quickly curl myself up against his side and am soon out cold.
"You want to what?!" Manager Nim exclaims the next day while we're in his office. None of the girls know I'm here, not even Chae, and the boys know nothing about what had been discussed last night.
"I just think it would be the best for the band, Sir. I don't know that I'm genuinely cut for this type of career and I fear I'll only hold them all back. There's been a lot of turmoil in the house since we've all moved in together, and it's generally been centered around myself. I believe it'd be in the best interest of the band that we remove myself from it." I explain. He frowns at my argument.
"Minsae, you've been the best trainee we've had yet to date. There's no way that you've been any cause to any turmoil in that house and there's no way you could hold the band back. You lead those girls well." He tells me. I shake my head though.
"Chae's been doing a wonderful job of stepping up and leading the girls. She'd make a wonderful leader. I'm sure some of them could also work with Namjoon, Yoongi, and Hoseok to learn how to rap. I highly doubt that'd be any issue at all. They could succeed beyond belief all well without me." I reason. He sighs, leaning back in his chair.
"Do any of the girls support your thoughts of leaving the band?" He asks, folding his hands together in his lap.
"I've discussed the matter with Chaemin, Sir." I inform him. He sighs, nodding thoughtfully.
"Minnie, NO!" The girls suddenly burst through the door. I nearly fall out of the chair in fear at the sudden surprise of them, looking over at them with wide eyes. Chae is stood in the back, arms crossed over her chest with a saddened look on her face. The rest of the girls, however, are practically sobbing messes.
"Minnie, you can't quit!"
"Please don't do this, Minnie!"
"Please don't leave us!"
"Sir, don't let her do it!"
They shout a mixture of these things, practically falling over each other as they look at us in fear. I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes at their actions. At what Chae's done.
"Girls, please exit the room. I'd like for the two of us to finish this discussion privately." He tells them, his tone holding nothing but seriousness and authority. I sigh, dropping my head while they all exit. There's no way in hell he's letting me leave now.
"It would appear that while Chaemin might've been okay with your leave, the rest of the band is not. Were you aware of this Minsae?" He questions with a sigh.
"Partially. I hadn't discussed or brought the matter up with any of them. Though, I didn't know they'd feel so strongly about it." I answer honestly.
"Minsae, I don't know what exactly to do. I don't want to lose you as a trainee. You've done extremely well in everything and have been performing beyond expectation every time." He says, sighing again. I merely nod my head, having nothing that I can say at this point. It remains silent between the two of us for a minute or two before he speaks up again.
"Minsae, you said you didn't feel that you're cut out for this career. In what way?" He asks finally. I bite my lip, knowing I need to be as honest as I can without spilling too much information.
"I just don't think that I can fill the roll. That I can fit the career properly. I won't be able to fit the correct physical image. I won't be able to hold up to the standards expected. I won't be able to have the mental strength or emotional strength to handle everything. I don't know that I'll be able to perform up to expectations under pressure." I explain quietly.
"There are special trainee courses for those who begin to buckle late in the trainee process. I want you to start on those immediately, starting tomorrow. I'm sorry, Minsae. I'm not cutting you from the band though. Dismissed." He tells me.
I just nod, leaving his office with just one thought on my mind. Why did you have to interrupt, Chae? I just want to go home.