Was sleeping even in my forte now? I would sleep one hour and wake up the next. My conscious has been telling me to call my mom and do it no matter the time of day. With that I groaned and looked over at a peaceful Joe. I became teary eyed when I realized how I would never work up enough courage to tell him I was sick and getting sicker every day, but I had to... At least before my first radiation treatment. I picked up my cell phone and went out into the living space and sat on the couch. Everybody was asleep and the room was quiet. My head ached for a certain closure with my sickness and I wanted to scream and tell Joe, but I couldn't infect him. I sighed and unlocked my phone. The brightness nearly killed me and I winced as I quickly went to settings to turn it down. Much better. I scrolled my contacts to find the house phone number. Ever since I came back from England, my mom got a home phone to keep in contact with me. She's such a gem. I clicked the name and put the phone up to my ear. I was fiddling with my fingertips until I heard a friendly voice.
"Mom?" I whispered. I realized it must be about two in the morning over there, but she would pick up any time of day when Layla and I only had her number.
"Marilyn honey is that you? Are you okay?" She said worriedly. I missed her so much during my stay and I wish she could just be here...
"Mom, I'm fine. I have to tell you something that happened a few days ago," I said exhaling noisily and covering my mouth. Tears were streaming down my face because this was the news that would change our lives.
"What is it darling?" She yawned into the phone. I knew she was tired, but I couldn't wait any longer to tell her.
"Mom, I love you. That's not all I have to say... I have to tell you something important, but you can't freak out and stuff, okay?" I said closing my eyes and wiping them with my arm.
"Honey, are you pregnant?" She asked seriously.
"What-no. Mom, no," I shook my head. This was just a little comic relief before this huge bomb I'm about to set off.
"Then what is it?"
"Mom, a few days ago I left Joe's house, because that's where I'm staying now, as you know. And we fought and I went to the hotel where Layla and I stayed and in the morning I couldn't breathe. I went out in the lobby and I passed out. I thought I was dead... The next thing I knew I was in the hospital and the doctor came in and we talked about what was wrong with me... Mom, I have cancer. I love you, I don't want you to be worried about me. Everybody here can take care of me. Layla already takes care of me and Joe is the sweetest man in the world..." I said breathlessly. I had tears streaming down my face, but it was no match for my moms sobbing on the other end.
"You were always your fathers child, but I didn't know that literally! Please tell me this is a dream, please tell me you are lying! Marilyn!" She yelled into the phone. With each word she became angrier and sadder.
"Mom, I'm not lying. It's heart cancer, it may spread," I said wiping my cheeks. I wish I could do the same for my mother who was hysterically crying and blowing her nose. My mom has always been there for me to watch after me, and now that I moved here, she cannot do anything for me. She must feel completely worthless; although she's not.
"Oh Marilyn, I will do anything to just wish it away for you. I will pray for you even more than I already do, I will do anything for it... What did the doctor say about it?" She calmed down just a little, but she still hiccuped every now and then from all her crying.
"It was heart cancer, they don't know how I got it... It could spread to my lungs, there's a fifty-fifty chance I could die..." I said resting my elbows on my knees and playing with my hair.
"You can't die, not like your father. Do you remember when he died Marilyn? I fell to pieces. I couldn't eat, I couldn't live... I've lost my life, but I could live for you and Layla... I swore I would never let a bad thing happen to you, and I let you down. I am the worst mother in the history of the world. I'm telling you that you cannot die," she said in an exasperated tone. I couldn't hold it in anymore and I broke down in sad, sad sobs. My breaths deepened and came in short bursts, I could not ware myself out any longer..
"My baby, please calm down..." She said from the other end. I wiped my tears, yet continued to cry.
"I don't want to let you down mom, I promised myself that I would be strong for you. I made that promise to myself when dad died.. I want to give you and Layla the best life possible, but now it seems like a dream. Like everything I have ever worked for was a dream, I'm trying to be strong. I am. It's just so hard when everybody is out living a healthy life and you're dying on the inside. Nobody knows except the people you tell and cancer is nothing to be glorified. I have failed you by getting sick," I cried into my elbow as I held the phone up to my ear. My tears have left little dried patches all over my cheeks and I tried to rub them away, but the damage had already been done.
"Baby, you have not let me down one bit. If anything you have proved to yourself how strong you are. You know you didn't have to tell me anything, but you did. You are so strong and brave Marilyn. Your life is what you make it and I will pray for you. Remember that this is in Gods plan, everything is," she sniffled out. I rubbed my eyes and shook my head in agreement. She was right. I was strong. I did everything in my power to tell my mom what was going on and I did the same with everybody I loved. Today was the day I was going to tell Joe. I had to.
"I haven't told Joe," I told her closing my eyes and sighing.
"Are you nervous?" She asked.
"Yes, I don't know if he'll break up with me or not. It's scary," I admitted. I never said it out loud, but the true fact was that I would have nowhere to go if Joe dumped me.
"Listen to me. When your dad told me that he had cancer I couldn't do anything. I had no energy left in my body because I was crying all the time. But I loved him, in fact if it was possible, I loved him more. I took care of him because he was the only one I wanted to be with and I had to make sure he was safe every night. So if Joe ever loved you, he wouldn't break up with you, he would love you more," she said sadly. I covered my eyes with my hand and sat there thinking about my situation. He should love me regardless of what was happening, my mother was right.
"Thank you," I said lowly.
"I love you baby," she said yawning.
"Do you want me to hang up with you so you can sleep?" I asked looking at the time. We had been on the phone for over an hour and I was not tired.
"No, I'd rather be on the phone with you."
For hours we sat there talking about whatever we wanted to- and not about cancer. We talked about my childhood, my dad, and how it was over in America. I sure did miss it, although I liked it over here. She would joke with me on the phone and it reminded me of old times when I was little. Ever since my dad passed she had been very uptight about everything, but after Layla and I left and came back she was the same person as she was before. She was so carefree and beautiful. Her soul shown with everything she wore and it made her personality one-of-a-kind. She was the most beautiful woman I had ever met and I was glad she was my mother. I had hoped since I told her of my illness she would let me see fit and make my own decisions, which I generously agreed with and smiled at. She was the perfect mother I had ever hoped to be. Speaking of, would I ever become a mother? Would I ever be able to bear a child with my cancer? Thought the phone call there were more tears, laughs, and smiles than I ever had or shared with anybody. The sun shot through the windows reminding me that morning was upon me and that today would be the day that I would tell Joseph my news. I heard a door open and close and I was startled when I saw Joe sleepily walk over to me and lean his head into my lap.
"I have to go mom, everyone is waking up. I love you," I said smiling at Joe. He smiled back and whispered, "you don't have to."
"Alright Marilyn love you, tell Layla and Caspar that I love them and good luck." I hung up the phone and laid it on the couch as I closed my eyes and ran my fingers through Joe's hair.
"Were you up all night?" He asked yawning.
"Pretty much, I couldn't sleep very good," I said yawning with him. That was very contagious.
"I was sad when I woke up and realized you weren't there, it was a weird feeling... It brought me back to the days when you weren't there," he said closing his eyes and exhaling.
"Well, I'll always be here," I said laying down on the couch along with him. The couch was rather small, so I had to lie on top of him to get this to work.
"I know you will," he said putting his arms on my back and interlocking his fingertips so they would stay there. I put my head on his chest and listened to his heart beat. What a wonderful thing a human was. So full of life and mystery, yet so sad and miserable in any instance. My eyes closed and my breathing steadied to match his. Exhale, inhale.
---
"These beautiful fools on the couch won't allow me to relax, therefore..." That voice I could pinpoint from South Africa. He was so loud, didn't he know we were sleeping?
"Shut up Cas, we're sleeping," I said moving my head to the other side of Joe's steady chest.
"Yeah, cus I bet you two were doing dirty sexual things all night that kept you up!" He said sitting on the floor across from us.
"If we were, you would've heard," I giggled. Joe moved and opened his eyes slowly.
"That is so sick Marilyn," Caspar said getting up from the floor and making his way to go outside. "I'm getting Nandos, anyone up?" I instantly stuck my head up and got up, as did Joe.
"Get me anything," I said. I've never been to Nandos before, so this should be a food shock.
"Joe, I know what I'm getting you, the usual?" Caspar asked looking at Joe. He didn't say anything and just nodded. Caspar was out the door in a flash.
"What time is it?" Joe asked rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand.
"About one in the afternoon," I said shocked. Did we really sleep for that long? He groaned and ran back to the sofa to lay on it.
"Um, Joe.. Do you want to go out with me tonight? I've got a whole day planned for us..." I said unwilling of what he would say in response.
"Sure, anything for you. Just after Nandos," he laughed. I shook my head at him where he couldn't see me. 'What a beautiful fool' was right.
This chicken was amazing. I don't think I've ever had anything as wonderful in my life, food wise of course.
"This has been sent from the Food God," I said praising this chicken. They both agreed and choked down on the meal. Wait, where was Layla?
"Cas, where's my sister?" I asked shoving my face.
"Oh, you didn't hear, I thought she would tell you over anybody... She got this modeling contract and she's doing this model thingy right now," he said as if it were no big deal. I stared at him with my mouth wide open.
"She's a model?!" I was so shocked, I knew she was beautiful, but I never thought she would want to be a model.
"Yeah, some guy came up to her yesterday when we were out and was like 'you're so beautiful' so I was like 'dude that's my girl' and he was all 'no I'm a model guy and I want her to be a model'. It was really awkward between me and the guy after that," he said satisfactory. I rolled my eyes at him because every time he told a story it lacked every crucial detail.
"Well, Marilyn, if you're done we should get ready," Joe said taking my wrapper and throwing it away for me. I hurriedly went into Joe's room to grab some clothes and shower. After I was primped and ready to go, Joe and I said goodbye to Caspar and we went out.
"Where are we going?" Joe asked in the driveway. It was a shame I wasn't legal to drive here yet, or I would drive anywhere.
"Do you remember that junkyard we drove past to go to the amusement park?" I asked him.
"Oh yeah, that rundown thing, why?" He asked in disappointment.
"We are going there," I said smiling at him. He gave me a worried look and I grabbed his bicep, "don't worry. You have all your shots so you won't contract anything major." With that he laughed and turned the key to go.
"So why a junkyard?" He asked getting into the right lane to turn into the yard.
"Well why not? Many people haven't even been inside a junkyard, and I know it's not romantic, but it's adventurous. Isn't that what life's about, adventures?" I said in response. Very clever.
"Very true, I guess I never thought of it in that way. You always find someway to amaze me," he grabbed my hand and we turned into the junkyard. Once we got out of the car we were confronted by two men who seemed to work there.
"Oi! What you up to?" One asked in an Irish accent. The other stayed silent and just watched us approach them.
"We just want in," I said looking at him. He looked very rugged and I hoped he would let us in.
"You gonna take anything? I want money for what ye take," he said crossing his arms.
"Sure, I'll give you money, can we please go in?" I pleaded. I put on my best puppy-dog eyes and waited for them to work their magic.
"Whatever," he said and moved out of the way to let us in. Once we were in, it was like a whole new world.
"This is kind of weird Mary," Joe said looking around at all the metal scraps.
"Weird how?" I asked picking up a tube of some sort and using it as a telescope.
"You're playing with people's trash," he said looking at me through the other end.
"This isn't people's trash. People recycle this. It wants to be reused, and it will be. Sometimes you have to give things a second chance," I said shrugging and setting the tube where I found it.
"Why are you so philosophical today?" He asked stopping me from grabbing a piece of scrap.
"Joe, I want to have fun and live my life," I said tugging away from him. "This place has beauty Joseph. You have to look beyond the surface to see it, but once you do, you'll be amazed." After a few minutes of him looking around, he slowly came to the realization that this place want like a dumpster, it was more like a second hand shop.
"You are so insightful all the time, how do you do it?" He asked as we rested on a large heap of cars.
"I don't know, you just have to know what the plan is and go with it. Sometimes I don't even know what I'm doing, but it works. You just have to have a little faith," I said smiling at him and leaning my head back so I could take in the sunlight. Maybe I was wrong, but my view on the world has changed. I was more carefree than ever and I just wanted to be free.
"You always know what to say, and that's why I love you," he held my hand and we sat there soaking in the sunlight. It was warm against my face, yet it sent chills down my body. How could something as wonderful and mysterious as the sun be burning bright for billions of years? I could never imagine a time period besides my own, let alone a billion years ago.
"Do you know what I love the most about you?" Joe asked out of the blue, I turned my head down and opened my eyes to look at him.
"Enlighten me," I smiled.
"You are so carefree. You don't care what people say about you... You're so strong willed and you can overcome any obstacle in your way, I love that. You're not afraid to speak your mind when something is wrong, and to me you're perfect. Everything about you is. We could play football outside and you would still look stunning, and we could just sit inside all day and you would still be my little one," he said smiling back at me," the way the sunlight hits your face tonight really reminds me of how beautiful you are."
"Stop I'm blushing," I said bringing my hands to my cheeks to feel how flush my cheeks were. Side note: very. He took one of my hands and kissed it.
"You missed," I said scooting closer to him and kissing him. Our kisses were perfect every time. The emotions I felt were the same as when we kissed for the first time, to be honest, every time felt like the first time. I still got butterflies when we were together and sometimes I felt tongue tied because he never ceased to amaze me.
"Let's go home," I said standing up and helping him up. It was difficult getting on top of the cars, but how were we supposed to get down? I helped him get down first and then he helped me by carrying me halfway down. What a gentleman.
"So, you like anything?" The Irish man asked as we were leaving.
"Everything," I replied to him. He looked taken aback and confused.
"You tryna pull some 'fin on me girl?" He asked angry. Joe grabbed my hand and I accepted it.
"The junkyard was lovely," I said as Joe pulled me out of the situation. As we got into the car Joe was muttering how stupid I was for continuing to talk because the guy was clearly getting mad.
"If you loved it that much, I'll buy you a junkyard for your birthday," he joked around as we went home.
"You will?" I asked.
"Maybe," he smiled and laughed as we pulled into a diner parking lot.
"I thought we were going home?" I asked as I stepped out of the car.
"Not without food, plus it's like six already and the sun will be setting soon," he said escorting me inside the diner. Once we were seated I ordered my meal and I sat there in silence. Did I really want to tell Joe tonight? We had such a great day and I don't want to ruin it...
"Marilyn," he said snapping his fingers.
"Hm- what?" I said picking my head up and smiling.
"Were you daydreaming?" He asked shaking his head.
"A little, why? What were you saying?" I asked blushing.
"I was saying how I had a great time with you tonight, you really taught me what true beauty is," he took my hand and our food came right that moment. We laughed at the bad timing, but quickly shut up by shoving food down our throats.
"I think this is true beauty," I said looking at him finishing up his plate. He posed and took out money for the check, once the waitress came we have her the money and left.
"Joe, I love you," I said once we entered the car and he reversed out of the parking lot.
"And I love you too," he said.
"No I mean like I really love you, more than words could describe," I said fiddling around with my fingertips. Here we go...
"I love you that much as well, why are you saying this?" He asked worriedly.
"I have to tell you something very important and you can freak out, promise?" I said closing my eyes and opening them back up to see the road that the flat was on.
"I promise, what is it?" He said pulling into the driveway. I waited until he parked the car to say anything. I looked at him with tears in my eyes and I couldn't help but to suppress a sniffle. He looked back at me with a very worried look on his face and he didn't say anything.
"At the hospital, the first time after I passed out, remember how you left?" I asked and a tear rolled down my face.
"Yes, yes, I remember Marilyn, what happened?" He nodded excessively and I couldn't look at him anymore. The guilt was being built up for days and now it was finally coming out. My tears turned into heavy sobs and I couldn't hold it back any longer. This was my moment.
"The doctor told me something very important that day. He told me I have cancer," I said crying so loud I bet the whole world could hear me," I didn't want to tell you because I thought you would hate me. I thought you would never love a sick girl like me. I thought that maybe you would want to break up because you wouldn't want to deal with me being in the hospital and losing my hair during radiation. I thought maybe I wouldn't be as beautiful as I am to you right now. I never thought that you would take me for what I am now- a sick girl. I am so sorry I hid this from you for so long, I didn't want you to worry about me. I want you to live your life not worrying about me and doing what you do best. I don't want you to quit YouTube or anything like that because I'm not worth it. I'm not worth crying over or getting upset over. I'm not. I just had to be brave today and tell you because you deserve the best no matter how bad I am. And I prayed to God that I would get through this and tell you about me and I did it. I want to be strong for you and take care of you, but I never thought it would end up like this. Joe, I don't want to die. I want to be by your side every minute of every day and make memories with you that will last a lifetime. When you talked about commitment last night, I meant it. I want a commitment with you that will last forever. I want you forever. You're the only man who made any difference in my life and I just can't lose you. You're my whole life wrapped up into a few weeks. Joseph, I love you and I'm sorry that I was so weak for you," I cried into my shirt and would not let him see my face. He didn't say anything or react in any way, which is not how I thought he would react. My tears drained me and I got out of the car to run up to Caspar and Layla. Once I was at the doorstep I turned around to see a very distraught Joe crying over the steering wheel of his car.