-Oliver-
I was sure the darkness would return. I was so sure of it that I couldn't sleep well. I lay awake, listening to the other kids' heavy breathing and occasional mumbling in their well-deserved sleep, wishing I could close my eyes even for a second. The world felt different somehow. I couldn't put my finger on it.
But... at the same time... the difference felt familiar. I had blocked memories I didn't want to visit, things I didn't want to remember, but no matter how hard I wanted to believe I was able to erase those memories for good, I was not.
Like that night in that one house. Me, bleeding from my shoulder. Two dark figures approaching me with anger written all over them. It wasn't the same, but it was familiar. The darkness was there as well, in that house, but it had been different. It had felt different, but it was still similar to the darkness I had felt earlier today.
I gasped involuntarily, pressing my eyes shut so hard it hurt. I didn't want to remember that darkness.
I really was crazy. I was sure my mother called me that. Once. I used to have imaginary friends and she didn't like that. I overheard her talking to someone, maybe a friend, that I was utterly crazy. Although, I had so many dreams of her that it could've been one of those as well, and not a memory. In my dreams she called me much worse sometimes, so...
I opened my eyes again. I had spent some time in a psych ward after that one incident at that foster home I wanted to forget. I had been too scared of everything to go back to the group home. I couldn't remember much of that time, but I could remember the fear. They had to drug me to make me sleep because I was too scared to fall asleep.
And now it was happening all over again. I couldn't help but wonder if I was scared enough to be insane enough to have hallucinations about shadows and other invisible beings. That actually made a lot more sense than being able to feel gray and white shadows around me.
"Listen to yourself," I let out a quiet chuckle, and the sound of my own laughter freaked me out.
I was definitely crazy. Maybe I would end up back in psych ward soon enough.
I turned on my side and stared at the wall in front of me. I forced all these thoughts out of my head, and another one popped right up. A better one, if that made any sense.
Jaden.
Thinking about him was surprisingly soothing, even though it definitely shouldn't have been. He was in a dangerous gang for crying out loud! But still, when I pictured him in front of me, I forgot all about the shadows and I calmed down.
He was... quite handsome if I thought about it. He couldn't be red-haired naturally, since only a week ago his hair was dyed blue. Now it was deep-red. Crimson red. And the way he had his black bandana tied over them made him look so... rebellious. Or like a pirate. I loved pirates... And his eyes! They could've been green, gray or blue, the color of them was so exotic. That one time, when he looked at me, they seemed gray, but when the light hit them just right they seemed blue, but with a hint of green, and I was so fascinated to know which was their actual color.
He was so tall as well. All three of them, Tilly and Arch and Jaden were so tall and so beautiful and... out of this world. Almost as if they were proud elves or ferocious vampires or aliens from far-away galaxies...
It didn't take me long to finally fall asleep, while I imagined, once again, that the world around me was far more magical than what it really was.
*****
I wasn't sure if falling asleep had been any better than lying wide awake. Out of all of my dreams and nightmares, one was always the same, and that night, I was forced to live through it once more.
It was night, and there was a mountain in front of me. Behind that mountain, I could see a part of a full moon, but I wanted to see it better. I started climbing up. I could hear myself laughing.
"Come, Cedric! Don't you want to see it?" Cedric, one of my imaginary friends.
'You shouldn't be climbing up there...'
"You always worry too much, Cedric," I laughed.
'Be careful...'
I ignored him, and turned my gaze back up to see the moon. I continued climbing higher and higher, while Cedric stayed behind, whispering worriedly in my mind.
'Don't go... Don't go up there... You could hurt yourself...'
I should have listened. I was almost at the top. I could almost see the moon completely, but then, just when I placed my hand on the top of the mountain, the solid rock suddenly broke under me, and I lost my footing. I fell down, and the moon fell with me. When I hit the ground, the impact forced all the air out of my lungs, and the moon shattered into pieces right next to me.
I blinked, and the mountain was gone. There was only a tall bookshelf towering in front of me, with its topmost shelf broken in half. I turned my head and saw a big, white, round vase, broken in pieces next to me.
"Whoops," I whispered in fear, as I heard my new foster parents waking up upstairs.
I woke up with a gasp, sitting up so fast the world started spinning around me. I was breathing heavily, soaked in sweat, and it took me a minute to understand I was in my own room in the group home, not back in that place. I didn't even notice I was clutching onto my scarred shoulder.
It took me even longer to calm down, and after that, I buried my face against my knees, trying not to cry from fear. The two dark shadows were lurking just inside my memories, so I forced my mind empty from every thought.
That boy I used to be, adventurous and hopeful for the future... He died that day. Every imaginary friend I had vanished that day. All that was left was this scared mouse nobody could see.
Except the ones I really wished that couldn't.
*****
My poor head... Being at school was taunting after what happened yesterday and after having that dream again. I had a bad headache, I was jumpy and afraid, and every loud noise scared the life out of me. I was so tired I had tears burning in the corners of my eyes every second of the day. I was still in pain after Jack beat me up and I was nauseous from fear of running into him and his darkness.
The entire time I kept asking myself, how much more could I possible take? How much more until I would lose my mind completely? This had continued only for a week, and I was ready to check myself into an asylum somewhere.
And the worst part was that I couldn't keep my promise to Jack. I couldn't find Jaden anywhere, even though I did see glimpses of Arch and Tilly here and there. At some point, I was sure I saw Tilly watching me, but when I tried to make sure, she wasn't even looking in my direction, so I couldn't be sure. That made things worse for me, because in my panicked mind I started to believe they were onto me, that they already knew Jack had ordered me to follow them. Maybe that was why I couldn't find Jaden anywhere.
I tried not to get overwhelmed by all of it, but it was far from easy.
And just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, it did.
"What...?" I breathed out, when I stopped next to my locker after lunch. Someone had drawn a small picture of a stick-figure on the corner of the door. It looked awfully a lot like a mouse... with a noose around its neck. It had two tiny crosses as its eyes...
I took a deep breath, and turned my back on it hastily. I felt dizzy, scared and so awful I was barely able to stop myself from crying. I saw Nick further down the corridor, looking at me with a smirk on his mean face.
I turned around again and started walking. I didn't look where I was going. All I could think of was that I had to get out. If I started crying or panicking right then and there, everything would turn even worse for me.
It was just a stupid little picture. I knew that. I knew it, but still... Too much. Way too much...
I didn't stop in a long time. I kept walking. Out through the doors, through the snowy yard, across the street and into the small forest behind the school. I couldn't go home, but I didn't want to stay at school either. I just really wanted to get away from the town and never come back.
When I finally stopped, I was all alone, gasping for air between my sobs, crying so loudly that it made me hate myself. I really hated myself at that moment. I hated how weak I was. I hated the life I was given at birth. I hated my mother for abandoning me and I hated those foster parents who hurt me over a stupid vase. I hated Jack and Jaden for ruining the little sanity I still had left.
I sat down in the snow, hugging my jacket against my chest since I never bothered to stop and put it on. I couldn't see behind my tears, and I couldn't hear anything over my cries. I let it all out. All the misery and pain and fear... I wished crying could wash it away, because I couldn't stand it.
This wasn't a life I wanted.
I had no idea how long I stayed there, in the silent forest, surrounded by nothing but trees and snow. I was cold, but I didn't care. I just wanted to stay there forever and die away. That would have been for the best.
Maybe it helped. After a long while, I started to run out of tears, and I became more aware of my freezing body. I would be in trouble now too for skipping classes. I started calming down, and for some reason, I started feeling better... Well, not better, but stronger maybe. At least I was done crying.
I took a few deep breaths, wiped my tears and put the jacket on me, but I wasn't ready to get up just yet.
I looked up, and suddenly, I forgot all about everything.
There was a black dog close by. A large dog. It was just standing there, watching me with his ears pinned down, but something was wrong in the picture. I didn't move a muscle; I just stared back at him for a good moment. Then, my head started working. My brain finally registered what my eyes were trying to tell it.
Not a dog.
A wolf.