1
I decide to try and keep my attention on what my teacher is saying as Rakeem walks in. Late, as per usual, nothing new to any of us. He used to tell me that he didn't care because the school doesn't pay him to get to class on time and then I'd respond by telling him that time is money. Then he'd roll his eyes at me and tell me that that's why he didn't like me.
A bit of truth in every joke I guess.
It's hard not to notice him because it's practically natural for every girl in the class, no, the entire school to stare at him whenever he walks into a room or when he's parading the halls with his mates. That's what I used to do before we got together so I can't really blame them for it and anyway, it's not like he has a girlfriend.
However, it's still rule number one to act natural if you're still in love with your ex-boyfriend who wants absolutely nothing to do with you and that's because if you act like you couldn't care less, then he'll believe it. Who knows, maybe then you'll believe it too. Due to this, I decide to grace him only with a passing glance. My heart thuds as I realise that he's already staring at me, why is he staring at me? and so I find it harder to pull my gaze away. I wouldn't be surprised if a huge pimple had popped up onto my face out of nowhere and he couldn't take his eyes off it, probably thinking about the fact that he actually managed to waste time with me when he could have been enjoying life with the beautiful Nathalie, or the stunning Everdale, girls who were, are, more his...type. I bet he'd love Katarina. Oh he'd adore her.
'Sada?' Mrs Ramos calls my name, pulling me out of my thoughts.
'Yes ma'am?'
'You have a partner for your project?' She asks.
I already know where she's going with this. I wasn't present for the last class where people were paired up for the assignment and I know for a fact Rakeem wasn't here either because Katarina had told me, eager to fill me in on anything he was up to despite my desperate attempts to make him a thing of the past.
'No Mrs Ramos, but I was actually thinking about doing a solo project-'
'You know that's not how this works.' She smiles. I bite down on my lip, wishing that I could disappear. 'You and Rakeem can work together. And fix whatever problems you two are having whilst you're at it.'
I can't help the forlorn expression that takes over my face but I quickly try my best to wipe it away, especially as I hear the snickers that take over the classroom. Part of the reason that I'm still hung over him is because everybody knows what happened between us; it's the kind of drama everybody likes to talk about but be nowhere near involved.
'Um okay.' I mutter. I can already feel the tears welling up in my eyes, something that always happens when I feel frustrated with no way out. There's nothing I'd rather do than mourn the loss of my first love in peace which in this school, seems impossible. I take a moment to steady my breath and think about things that make me smile. Like the time Guinevere tripped down the stairs, something that could have resulted in a serious injury but was honestly something that we laughed about the most. Or when I was craving homemade cookies so badly that Katarina made me some and then delivered them right to my door.
Katarina gives me an encouraging smile as I grab my stuff and move to sit next to Rakeem. He's sat at the back of the class with his mates, an area of the classroom that's reserved just for them. I haven't spoken to any of them since the night Rakeem and I had our massive argument and he revealed the truth about our relationship to me. I'll be civil, but I'd much rather they don't make this difficult for me.
'Hey Sada,' Ty says, turning around to face me, 'You good?'
I want to ignore him and just get on with my work but I don't want to seem petty.
'Yeah, I'm good thanks. You?'
Couldn't care less to be honest.
He nods at me before giving Rakeem a look. He hasn't even looked at me so far which I think is a win because it means that I'm making him just as uncomfortable as he's making me.
Every other pair in the classroom has already started to converse about the assignment and yet it's like we're drowned by silence, which is absolutely ironic since sometimes, it felt like there was nothing that we couldn't talk about.
'Have you got any ideas for the project?' I ask. I try to keep my voice as steady as possible but it takes every inch of me not to burst out into tears. He finally turns to me, those beautiful light brown eyes boring into mine again.
'I'm not sure. It's about social issues you're passionate about right?'
'Um yeah. And then we have to compare the social issue we've chosen to pieces of literature. So...do you have anything in mind?'
'I don't know. Racism, maybe? I think that's the biggest issue that both of us face, it's something that both of us can relate to.'
I bite my lip. What would he know about the biggest issue that I face?
'Boys and girls are different Rakeem, we don't necessarily face the same issues in society, even when it comes to skin colour.' My eyes remain stalking the page in front of me, my brain's warning me to not face him.
He slightly frowns. 'I know that, but I think it's something that affects the both of us.'
There's nothing I want more in this world to make him understand how I feel, how he made me feel. I want him to understand my pain because I think I'd be okay with him not ever really loving me, but I'd hate myself for letting him think that the things he said to me, as well as what he did, would ever be okay.
'We don't face the same issues. We're really not the same.'
I'm not looking at him but I can feel him slump back in his seat.
'That don't even make no sense. We're both black.'
I hate the fact that I'm even talking to him about this, as if he would ever understand. This was supposed to be strictly business. I wasn't supposed to diverge into anything else but my passion for topics like these will always defeat me and so I disregard my own warning and turn to face him. For a moment I'm stunned; I've forgotten how the defined shape of his jaw used to mesmerise me, how his tawny brown skin glows with perfect undertones.
'You don't have to deal with mysoginism, Rakeem. Or the fact that people will always get onto you about your hair, no matter how you wear it. Black men are at the top of the black community, whether you realise that or not. When it comes to black women and the issues that we have to face in society, not just from non-black people but black men too, we're on our own. Nobody cares and they make sure to show it too.'
I turn away from him and bring my focus back onto my notebook which is, of course, empty. It's the last class of the day, all I have to do is get through this last class and then I'm free. But how can I focus when the boy sitting next to me makes my heart beat a thousand times a minute?
'I care. Sada.'
I look at him again.
'I care.' He seems so sincere but I know better than to fall for his tricks again. He's probably just trying to play me so that he can use me to his advantage. There are plenty of girls willing to do that for him and he knows that.
But it hurts to admit that I genuinely don't believe him. And because of that, I don't even have to conjure the venom that snakes itself into my next words.
'As if someone like you would ever care about what happens to black girls.'
He looks taken aback, crestfallen almost, before his hard exterior takes over again. I stuff my notebook and pencil case into my bag before telling Mrs Ramos that I have a horrible headache and need to see the school nurse.
She excuses me and I walk out, still feeling the lingering gaze of Rakeem on me.
#
'Listen Sada,' Sarafina tells me as we sit at a table, 'Rakeem is a prick. A cute prick but a prick nonetheless. If I were you, I'd go crazy on him, give him a taste of his own medicine.'
I roll my eyes. Guinevere and Sarafina were truly both made of one mind, it was uncanny how they were exactly the same. They don't think I should let Rakeem get away with what he did and that I should get some sort of revenge on him to make myself feel better but what would be the point? I can't make someone love me.
'No. This is my own karma. I compromised my values and everything I knew for him. I was stupid and I should have known better.'
Sarafina stops munching on her sandwich and looks at me. 'You're crazy if you believe that.'
I just shrug as she pulls out a mirror. 'Wow. This humidity done messed up my edges.'
'You and your American English.' I tease.
'You and your British English.' She teases back. I give a small smile and watch as she messes with her coily hair. We decided to sit outside today because the weather was gorgeous and we needed to take pictures. The sun was especially kind to Sarafina as it made her dark, chocolate skin glow. Sarafina was African like me, and despite the fact that she was of Guinean heritage and I Ghanaian, we found that our personalities complimented each other's perfectly which is what we bonded over rather than the similarities of our cultures.
'What's England like Sada?'
Resting my head on top of my water bottle, I give her a sigh. 'England would be absolutely pouring right now Sarafina.'
She groans. 'Still better than this place. Thank God that Katarina's having a party today because...whew.'
'It's not a party, it's literally just the four of us.' Katarina says, seemingly sneaking in out of nowhere as she takes a seat by Sarafina. Genevieve settles down besides me, setting her backpack on the floor with somewhat of an aggressiveness. I frown.
'You okay?' I ask.
'Yeah.' She says, obviously forcing a smile. I suppress my urge to ask anymore questions. She probably doesn't want to talk about it in front of the girls and if she didn't feel comfortable doing so, I certainly wasn't going to force her. Guinevere knew that I was here for her, whenever she wanted to tell me something I would be there for her, I would be patient and I would listen.
Katarina slides the hair tie off her wrist and ties her blonde hair up into a ponytail. The small action seems to attract Guinevere's attention and she doesn't hesitate to shoot Katarina a glare, a look that only appears for a second, suggesting that something must have transpired between them whilst they were getting their food.
'That's what you always say and then your house ends up being full of people.' Sarafina says, oblivious to the obvious tension that is making its way through the group.
'Well I mean it this time. It's just us.' Kat gives us a sheepish smile. 'Oh God,' she giggles, fanning her eyes, 'I don't want to cry.'
'I can't believe you're really leaving.' Guinevere murmurs, taking a bite out of her apple.
'I know!' Sarafina exclaims. She leans into Katarina. 'You're going to have an adventure!'
'I'm going to boarding school.'
'In London! I would kill to be you right now.'
I roll my eyes at her dramatics. Before I can say something, a shadow forms over our table and I turn to find Ric, one of Rakeem's friends, standing by our table. His green eyes sweep over, lingering on Sarafina's form a second longer than the rest of us. Unbeknownst to him he's so obvious with it that even Sarafina, the most oblivious of us all, notices. A small smirk lingers at the corner of her lips.
'Ladies!' He says, 'What's up?'
'Nothing much Ricardo.' Sarafina says. He seems taken aback that she uses his full name. This is the first time she's ever spoken to him directly so it's no wonder that a small blush creeps onto his cheeks.
'So uh, we're having a party after the game tonight. Thought you girls might wanna roll through.'
'That sounds pretty confident.' Katarina remarks. 'What if you lose?'
'Well if we lose it'll cheer us up.' He shrugs.
'Is it your party?'
'Hell no!' Ric exclaims. 'I ain't risking that. Rakeem's throwing it.'
I swallow. 'Did Rakeem tell you to invite us?'
His face reddens further, alerting me immediately to the idea of ulterior motives. 'To be honest, yeah he did.'
If Rakeem wanted me there then I should probably stay away but then again, I could show up looking the baddest I ever have and make him regret losing me. No, that's a stupid idea. If he doesn't love me then he doesn't love me and I don't need nor want his validation to prove my self worth.
'So he sent you? Why didn't he just come over and ask himself?' Guinevere asks.
Ricardo doesn't answer but he takes one look at me and I know what his reply would be if he did.
'We actually had plans-' I begin.
'They'll come.' Katarina cuts me off, shooting me a glare. The three of us turn to look at her.
'What? It'll be fun. I would come Ricardo but my flight-'
'I thought it was just going to be the four of us Katarina, spending tomorrow together before you have to go. Isn't that what you just said?'
Katarina barely acknowledges Guinevere's question. 'They'll come Ricardo. Sorry I can't make it but thanks for the invite.'
Ric smiles at us, clearly triumphant in his win. 'Great, I look forward to seeing you guys. Especially you.' He directs that last part at Sarafina and gives her a mischievous wink before walking off.
'He is so fine.' Sarafina says. Kat and Sarafina start to talk about Ricardo and his obvious crush on her, ignorant of the fact that Guinevere has already packed all of her stuff away.
'I'm going to the library, wanna come?' She turns to me. I nod and finish off the rest of my food, throwing my bag over my shoulder. I wave goodbye to the girls and start to walk alongside Guinevere.
'What's up with you Gwen?' I whisper. It's a nervous habit I'd picked up in secondary school. I was always paranoid of the fact that someone might be listening to us when we were talking about a private topic which is a fair enough phobia, I was enough of a gossip so my actions would catch up to me quickly. 'You seem mad at Katarina. What did she do?'
She stops walking and turns to me. Her expression is hard as stone and she seems hesitant to say.
'Remember Dev? The guy I was talking to like two months ago?'
I nod.
She shakes her head. 'I don't know, I feel like they had something going on.'
'You mean, during the time that you guys were talking?'
'Yeah.' She throws her rubbish in the bin. 'I heard him talking about her in Math. Something about how bad she was and how she was the better one. Then he and his friends turned to look at me and started...smirking, like they had an inside joke.'
She sighs and sits on a bench. 'Katarina is the...giving person I know. No offense. I know she could sense that I was being somewhat hostile and I kind of feel really bad about that especially if I'm wrong about this. But that's the thing, I don't feel wrong about it. I genuinely think she was up to something with him.'
I don't believe it. Katarina would never do something like that, especially to her own friends and especially to Guinevere who she'd known the longest.
'Gwen, they could have been talking about anything. They could have been comparing you guys for all you know which is still crappy, especially considering the fact that they know you're friends.'
'You didn't see the way they looked at me, Sada. It was like they were laughing at me.' She stands up. 'Like to gas her, they had to make fun of me. And it's not just that. Didn't you notice how she decided for all of us that we were going to go to Rakeem's party, despite the promise that we were all going to hang out together. Just the 'four of us'. And she knows about the history between you and Rakeem so why would she say yes anyway?'
I can't deny that she's right. It did irk me that Katarina didn't seem to take note of how I would feel going to that party, being in his house, seeing him again. But it never occurred to me that she might have said yes to be purposefully malevolent. It hardly mattered to me regardless since I'm not the type of person to go to a party just because my friends are going to go.
'I get that but to me, if I don't feel like going to that party then I'm deffo not going. I could stay in bed all night and watch movies.'
'Sounds like the better option to be honest.' She swallows. 'I don't know, I feel awful that's she leaving but, and I know that this doesn't really make sense, I don't know why.'
I'm unsure of what to say and so I say nothing at all. It sounds to me like this whole situation started with Dev and so maybe we had to go to the root of the problem. I don't want to think bad of Katarina especially as today was her last day and it was supposed to be filled with good memories.
'How about we go and confront Dev? One for being an impolite pig for even trying to put down the most beautiful girl in the world, and second for making you feel uneasy around your friends?'
She smiles at me, a genuine smile that's full of relief. 'You'd really come with me?'
I nod at her. Of course I would.
'Guys!' Sarafina catches up to us, Katarina close behind her.
'Can't believe we forget we were going to take pictures. Shall we take selfies or get someone else to take it for us?'
'That's so awkward Kat, I'd rather we take the pictures ourselves.'
'But it's better to have them with all of us together. We'd be able to do cuter poses-'
'I know but you know what people here are like-'
'Excuse me!' I call out to a passing student. Him and the rest of his group turn to look over at me. 'Do you mind taking a couple of pictures of me and my friends?' I give him my best smile. His friends start to whistle at him and the curly red locks that trickle down his cheeks can't hide the red that starts to spread across his face.
'You only asked him to take a couple of photos oh my God.' Guinevere whispers besides me. I nudge her in an effort to warn her to be nice as the boy approaches. I unlock my phone and set up the camera before handing it to him and heading back to my friends. We start to pose as the boy snaps multiple pictures, some serious, some silly, some super model worthy (we hoped).
On our way back to class we obsess over the pictures that he took, promising to never delete them. It warmed my heart to see all four of us smiling, despite the fact that Kat was leaving and that Guinevere wasn't feeling so great about it for all the wrong reasons. I guess the two of them serve as a reminder that just because you smile with your friend, it doesn't mean that they will never become your enemy.
But I'm just going to ignore that for now.