When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us ~ Helen Keller
The Orphan Black theme song plays as the episode ends. I stand up to stretch and spill the bowl of popcorn in the process. I groan and get on my knees, attempting to pick up the pieces up but it's impossible to clean it all up.
Reminds me of my life. Can't pick up all the pieces.
Okay, my subconscious really needs to stop. "Hey big sister," Cam says, flopping onto the leather couch on my right, "what you watching?"
"Mmmm, yeah, Cam. You're not watching Orphan Black," I tell him, shooing him with a wave of my hand.
He turns to me and pouts, "please?"
"Cam, it literally has bare butts. And sex scenes. And people losing body parts. Pretty sure you don't want to see that."
His face scrunches up in disgust, "why would you want to watch that?"
I shrug, a smug smirk on my face, and chuck the bowl onto the coffee table. "It's a good break from reality," I say.
"Reality isn't really real either though. It has people like Uncle Tony. Superheroes," he retorts, "the Hulk, Captain America, Spider-Man and even that butterfly girl seems pretty cool."
I turn my back to him and smile to myself. He thinks I'm cool. I sit on the couch and pause the next episode, "yeah I guess you're right. But I mean, at least our reality doesn't have a bunch of clones who are tortured to extinction."
A mock shocked reaction falls upon his face, "clones? I wish we had clones! Can you imagine like ten of me?"
"No and I would not like to. That'd be torture," I grin.
He puts a hand on his heart, sarcastically hurt. Then he winks, "you know you love me."
I throw a pillow at him and he easily catches it, chucking it right back at me.
"So, big sis. It's Saturday night and you're watching a show about clones," he says matter-of-factly, avoiding my eyes, "what's up?"
I frown, "what do you mean, what's up? I never go out."
"I know, but you went to a party and a football game with who I'm guessing are your new friends. Don't you have any plans with them?"
My shoulders fall as I let out a sigh, "I mean yeah, but I cancelled them." He throws another pillow at me which I don't dodge. "Hey!" I exclaim, "what was that for?!"
"Being an idiot," he scoffs, "why would you cancel plans with your friends to sit at home and watch TV shows when you can do that anytime? Besides, don't you want to not be at home?"
My mouth opens to reply, but I clamp it shut when nothing comes out. He has many good points in the one sentence for a thirteen year old. "Yeah, but I'm kind of pissed off at one of them," I reply weakly. It's not exactly a lie, because I'm mad at Peter for ditching me twice now even though the first time wasn't his fault and I'm assuming this time wasn't his fault either. But all in all, it's still a pathetic excuse.
Cam raises an eyebrow, "if they're really your friend, then you should be able to forgive them." Wow. This kid is really going places.
Overall, Peter has been super nice to me since my first day and so have Ned and MJ. To be nice to an outcast, a freak, like me isn't easy, yet they still did. It's time I should branch out too. "You're right, I guess," my brow furrows, "you should really be a life coach."
"I'll be your life coach for free, Ray," he says and reaches for the remote.
I toss it to him and run up the stairs, sending a text to Peter as I run up.
Is there still time for me to come?
I make it into my room and change into a pair of black, ripped jeans, white tee and a cream colored jacket. It looks like I'm trying enough, but not too much. It's just right. My reflection stares back at me in the mirror. My eyes are hollow and I just seem so... empty. I have no real meaning.
Would it even matter if I was gone? Would anyone other than dad or Cam or mom care? I'd think not. I'm a lost case.
My eyes travel down towards a photo of Cam, mom, dad and I at the beach when we were young. Even though it was years ago, I remember the day like it was yesterday. We were at the carnival they held annually at the beach and dad had won mom a teddy bear from one of the games. Cam and I had cotton candy and they told us stories about some of the dates they had coming to these carnivals and how glad they were that they got to now share the memories with us.
It's the last memory I have of us being happy. After that was when the cancer came and when the inspiration for the lab and when Tony decided to pursue mom. When my life came crashing.
And that's when I realize why I don't open up, why I'm a closed book.
If you let yourself get close to someone and become really happy, when something goes wrong, you'll be gutted. If you close yourself off and something bad happens, it won't hurt as much because you won't be blinded by your happiness. Happiness is just an illusion. It's just a mask that disguises the sadness in the world and in your life. If I let myself be happy, I know I'm going to get hurt. If I make friends or if I fall in love with someone, I'm only going to get hurt. And so I'm just preventing the inevitable.
My phone displays a message for Peter.
Always.
Of all times to get sentimental, it has to be right before I go and see people I don't show my emotions to. I run down the stairs and tie my hair into a ponytail for a change. "Hey, where's mom?" I call out to Cam.
"Somewhere with Phil I think," he mumbles.
I sigh, "will you be okay home alone?"
He looks at me in delight. Mom never lets him stay alone. "Hell yes!" he shouts with joy.
"If mom asks, I left two minutes before she arrived otherwise I'll never let you stay home alone again," I order him.
He puts his hands in defence, "hey, anything to have the house to myself."
I smile at him and exit the house and walk to Peter's apartment. The walk is an hour's walk, but the pace I'm going at cuts it down to forty. It's getting dark and Queens can be a scary place at night, but I'm a big girl and I can handle myself. I still have my watch in case--
My watch!
What an idiot I am, I can just use that to fly. I chuckle to myself slightly as I look around me to ensure no one's watching and activate my suit and wings. The familiar gray mesh appears and I hoist myself upwards and into the black sky. I feel more like a hero as I fly through the streets of Queens at night.
This is a much easier alternative to running and the wind feels like it's blowing all of my problems away. But like I said, happiness is temporary. So when I land in an alley near the apartment complex Peter had texted me with, I still feel as confused as I was before about letting people in. It could be a good thing, but whether the positives outweigh the negatives is still a dilemma.
I look down at my phone as I enter the building to the exact apartment Peter lives in and take the stairs up. I knock on the door and am greeted by an older woman who doesn't seem that old, maybe in her thirties.
No way, is this--
"Hi! You must be Raven. I'm May, Peter's aunt," she greets me with a smile.
Wow, she is absolutely stunning and completely young to be Peter's guardian. But wow.
I can see where Peter gets his good looks from.
Okay, did my subconscious just say that? I don't think Peter's good looking. At all... I think. I don't know. My head is just so messed up with other thoughts and I'm saying nonsense. Yes, that must be it.
"It's nice to meet you. I've heard a lot about you," I tell her.
She winces mockingly, "all good things I hope."
I reply sarcastically, "oh no. Peter is a terrible guy, it's all bad things." She understands my sarcasm and chuckles gently.
"Come in, the gang is in the living room," she slaps her hand to her mouth, "I just referred to you as a gang, didn't I?"
I scrunch my nose up and nod as I enter and take my jacket off, "I'm afraid you did."
I hug my jacket to my chest and walk towards Ned, who sits on the couch appropriately, MJ, who is laying down on a couch and Peter, who sits on the floor. He stands up and smiles genuinely, "you came."
I shrug, "yeah."
Ned grins, "hey Raven." I give him a goofy grin and give MJ a small one. She gives me one back.
Peter and I exchange a look as if to have a non-verbal conversation about yesterday, but he changes the topic. "You came just on time, we were just deciding on a movie," he says excitedly, "so make yourself comfortable and enjoy some of the popcorn and yeah..."
I place my jacket on the arm of the couch and flop onto the floor, crossing my legs. "Don't you want to sit on the couch?" Ned raises his eyebrows.
I shake my head, "I'll be more comfortable on the floor."
"Please, don't put a romance movie on. I hate those sappy things. Throw on a horror or an action or something," MJ protests after Peter stops on 10 Things I Hate About You.
Peter glares at her, "10 Things I Hate About You is a classic and Heath Ledger was one of the best actor ever so don't you dare throw shade at him, MJ."
"I wasn't throwing shade at Heath Ledger, I was just throwing shade at romance movies in general!"
Their banter lasts quite a while and Ned and I share a look. I don't think he minds the banter if I'm honest, but I certainly do. It literally seems like they're about to dive onto eachother and rip eachother's shirts off and make a porno. I reach over and pull the remote out of Peter's hand. He looks at me in alarm, but I pretend to be oblivious, flicking through movies.
The room goes silent and I focus my attention on the TV. I eventually settle on Twister because I always love watching bad movies with bad graphics to make fun of them and I hope I can pass this tradition on with friends. "Twister?" Ned exclaims, "of all movies?"
"This has to be one of the worst movies," MJ adds.
"I know," I say quietly, keeping my eyes on the opening credits, "that is why I chose it."
Peter observes me curiously, as if I'm sort of animal in a cage. I smile slightly and the crappy quality begins to shine. I'm aware the movie was made in the 90s, but it's still funny to think that they thought that this was a bright idea for a movie.
My phone vibrates in my lap and I turn the brightness down as May had now turned off the lights and my mom is going crazy again.
You went out?
Did you leave Cam home alone?
Where are you?
For heaven's sake, Raven!
Reply before you give me a heart attack.
You do this so often and I am so afraid you're going to forget about me like your father did.
Wow.
She just took it there.