Twelve- Nick
“Ryan, I’m sorry!” I called out desperately to the retreating figure.
He paused momentarily, sending a beacon of hope flaring through me, but instead of turning around, or just stopping, as I so dearly hoped he would, he gave me a fleeting glance then broke into a sprint.
I groaned, making no attempt to move and continue the chase. What had I done? Over the years we’d had our disagreements, arguments, fights, even, but never before had he pushed me to the ground to break away, and certainly, never before had he run from me like this.
But then again, I’d never been in such a situation before…
It wasn’t the time to be making excuses though. It was the time to fix the damage I’d done, be a man and face the consequences of my actions…yet I couldn’t get myself to stand up and find my friend.
What would I say to him, anyway? Why had I said all those hurtful things, when all he’d been doing was a little harmless speculation? I knew what had inspired the outburst, so these weren’t really the important questions. The real question was: did I have the guts to tell him the truth?
It had started off simply enough. The four of us were in the midst of an animated discussion on what we’d thought of the new substitute teacher, when, as a highlight of the lesson, Ryan had raised a point on how it was somewhat impressive that Max had known the correct answer to some question that hadn’t even been remotely relevant to the lesson.
“How’d you know the answer to his question? The one about if cats are feline, sheep are ovine?” Ryan had asked curiously, in response to which Max had blushed slightly and tried to shrug it off, before finally caving into the pressure of giving a straightforward response.
“It’s really a huge coincidence, actually,” he’d answered, “there was this one time I was talking to Dylan,” he paused briefly to gauge what our reactions would be like, probably, “and he asked me the same question.” When we’d all just looked at him blankly, Max had gone on to elaborate. “He’s really into animals and stuff, and one time, I said I felt very knowledgeable about animals ‘cause I’d been helping Lucy out with her project on animals, so he challenged me.”
“And he asked you that question?”
Max nodded. “Well, he also asked stuff like what the other name for a wildebeest was, but yeah, that was one of them. The answer to this one is ‘gnu’, by the way. And there was-” he stopped, embarrassed. “Right, not the point.”
I had been determined not to display any reaction to this, the second I’d heard Dylan, I mean, and nor had Rodney expressed any comments he may have had regarding this, but Ryan had seemed delighted.
“And you remember ever detail of every conversation with him, huh?”
Max just half-heartedly told Ryan to zip it – he had somewhat become used to this ribbing now, and Rodney had been in the process of changing the topic, I think, but what the latter wanted to say, I didn’t have a chance to find out, because just then, Max’s phone rang. A reminder sounded through.
“And,” he announced, stretching out the word, “it’s time.”
“What for?”Rodney asked.
“I’m meant to go meet this girl Leo told me about. She’s got these textbooks and stuff that I could use, so we talked, and she said that she’d bring them over for me to check out and decide if I wanted to buy.”
My forehead creased at his mention of Leo, but I kept mum, allowing Rodney to ask the questions. I knew that they interacted now, but I’d just assumed this was because our Bio partners from the day he’d had his fainting episode had been declared as our permanent partners.
“For next year?”
He hadn’t been surprised at the Leo part of Max’s statement, then.
“Yeah.” Max stood up. “So I gotta go now, but I’ll see you guys later, alright?”
“Hey, hold on. Do you want any company?” Rodney was on his feet too. “I’m done with lunch too, and,” he looked towards Ryan and I for a second, “they have a long time before they finish.”
Max smiled. “Yeah, I’d like the company, actually. Let’s go.”
They’d walked off together, leaving me staring behind them with an ember of irritation sparking off within me.
Maybe this was my first mistake: letting myself feel that way. It was probably completely irrational to get annoyed at my girlfriend for having delayed me when lunch break had begun, which was why I was still eating, but this is all in retrospect. At the time, all I could feel was irritated at the fact that Lani had had to coerce me into walking her to her locker and listening to the discussion she’d had with the careers department with regard to university. She’d shared general information that would be helpful to me too, but…that wasn’t really on my mind at the time.
It only grew from there as Ryan, completely oblivious to my state of mind, pointed out that he thought there was something cooking between Max and Dylan.
“I know, I know, you’re going to tell me to leave them be and whatnot, but I’m just saying, you know? The way Max has in mind everything they’ve ever talked about really points towards them having a thing.”
What I’d picked up from it was ‘even Dylan’s been getting more of Max’s time than you have,’ though, and simply put, it bothered me. Or, if we’re being extremely specific here, the reminder that even Dylan, who’d just entered the picture a few months ago, was getting more of Max’s time with me; I already knew it. How many days had I come online, hoping to talk to Max, only to find him engaged in a conversation with someone else? Or asked him about his plans only to discover that he had some which had no room for me? I’d lost count. “Yeah, well,” is all I’d said out loud in an as neutral a fashion as possible, hoping that Ryan would drop the topic.
He didn’t though. “What’s that supposed to mean? I’m pretty serious here by the way, Nick. I think there’s something going on…if it hasn’t already happened.”
I shut my eyes and inhaled, trying to keep calm. My friend was just giving his take on what he’d seen, and there was nothing wrong with that. ‘It’s just him who thinks that’…that was the problem though. It wasn’t just him who was expressing this. It was in every word, every laugh of Max. Even Dylan mattered more to him than I did. “Even if it is, that’s Max’s business, don’t you think?”
“And I’m not trying to get into his face about this,” Ryan sighed, exasperated at my lack of responsiveness, “but I’m saying. Before we were just teasing him because he met Dylan through a blind date setup sort of thing, but now I actually think something has happened.”
“And again, that’s really not our concern, is it?”
Why wouldn’t he stop? He’d already managed to drive home the message Max had delivered, through this, and his texts that said ‘I’m so sorry, I was talking to someone else and I just didn’t see your message!’, so what did he want now?
The problem wasn’t Ryan though. He was just the messenger of bad news, and the bad news was me. I had to be the one guilty, because, well, there simply wasn’t any other explanation as to why it was that Max valued his time with Dylan more than that with me.
“It kind of is, Nick,” Ryan had responded stubbornly, “because you know, we’re his friends and all?”
By this point, I was just trying to get him to shut up. Every word he was saying was just driving in the dagger deeper, and he had no idea…“So he’s not allowed to have a private life?”
“Nick! Why are you being so difficult? Of course he’s allowed to have a private life! I just started off by saying I think there’s something, you’re the one who’s making this into a different issue altogether!”
“I just think we should mind our own businesses.”
“What is wrong with you? All I’m-”
That set me off. His exact words did it for me, I think. All the frustration, the anger, the hurt that had been simmering close to the edge boiled over right then and there.
“You know what? I don’t know. Maybe that I kinda like to mind my own business is what’s wrong with me. I don’t want to interfere in other people’s lives and private issues under the pretense of being their friends, that’s what’s wrong with me. I have the sense to know when to drop things instead of going on and on and on forever about them; that’s what’s wrong with me. I just don’t give a damn, Ryan! But if it’s that much of a problem for you, don’t-”
It’s only then that I actually stopped seeing red. I’d blindly been ranting off in a rage, and had failed to notice the lack of color on my friend’s face.
Till that second.
I cursed. “I’m sorry!”
It was too late though. He’d wordlessly stood up and walked away, leaving his things and half-eaten lunch on the table.
Sense took two seconds to kick in, but as soon as I’d processed what was happening, I was hot on his heels. And I caught up to him, too, getting a firm hold of his wrist outside the canteen, in the field.
“Ryan, I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean-”
“Please leave me alone, Nick.” He twisted a little to try to break free, but I held on.
“No, Ryan, I’m sorry! I wasn’t thinking and I-”
“That’s when the truth comes out, actually. Please leave me alone, Nick,” he repeated. “I need to be by myself for a while.”
“Ryan-” I stopped when he actually looked me straight in the eye. The unmistakable sheen of tears in his eyes momentarily threw me off, and my hold on him must have loosened somewhat, because all of a sudden, I found myself on the ground and Ryan increasing the distance between us.
*
I shouldn’t have been giving up so easily; I knew how deep into the wrong I was, yet I decided that I couldn’t come clean to Ryan and found myself heading back to the canteen to collect all our stuff.
I’d thought about it before reaching this conclusion properly over the remainder of the hour, and that was the verdict.
I couldn’t tell him about how, recently, I’d been finding reasons to get annoyed at Lani, even though I was pretty sure that I still liked her like that. I couldn’t tell him about why we’d had that trial separation, and I most certainly couldn’t tell him about why hearing him talking about Dylan had made me so upset. In as much as I wanted it to be the truth, it wasn’t just hurtthat I felt when approached with the notion of falling down Max’s priority list: it was jealousy that losing one of my best friends inevitably caused; guilt for even thinking that way, even with regard to my girlfriend, and most importantly, utter frustration at being unable to understand any of this.
Why had I become so insecure and jealous in the first place? I’d gone years without talking to him, hating him, even, so was it just the lack of time together now, or was it something else? If yes, what? And if no, why was this happening?
I didn’t deal well with barrages of emotions even when they were all distinct, and this was all culminating into an intricate, solution-less tangle. I’d thought earlier that I was in the process of unraveling the knot successfully with my point by point analysis of just what was going on with each person in my life, but as it is, it turned out that I’d actually been taking the thread out and looping it even further around the ball.
Now, I had no idea where to even begin. Everything had fused together so irreversibly, or so it seemed, anyway, that I could only feel myself despairing about the whole situation. Any ‘solution’ that I could think of would just cause more problems. Trying to spend time with Max would have me feel like I were cheating Lani, who I still did care about and laughed with and adored; talking to Max about it would ruin his peace of mind by making him think he was a bad friend, and just letting go of Max wasn’t even possible for me – if I did even manage that, all that would happen is that I would burn till nothing but ashes remained. Talking to Lani would make her think she was onto something earlier, and trying to talk to anyone else would probably result in them getting me all wrong.
I wasn’t stupid.
I knew that another conclusion could be drawn from all of this – that I somehow had a thing for Max- and nothing else I could say would stop them from thinking this. The notion had crossed my mind several times, but trying to think out that possibility had only led to one thing: the realization that it was just a further, unfortunate complication, and nothing else. Trying to prove to Lani time and again that she had nothing to worry about was draining enough as it was without my having to do this with everyone else, anyway.
‘No,’ I told myself, ‘I’m not even going to go there. This is complicated enough as it is without my creativity.’
Having a sense of direction on at least one of my issues helped, but not much.
‘God, if you’re listening, please help me out here. I really need your help right now.’
That lunch went by fairly quickly from then on was one ray of sunshine through an otherwise cloudy sky.
*
“Please don’t hate me.” The words escaped my lips of their own accord, the tension becoming too much to bear.
I hadn’t intended to run into him – there was nothing I could say to fix this – and when our gazes locked through the mirror in the washroom where he’d been splashing his face with cold water, I was completely tongue-tied. I quite literally froze in my spot, like I was five again and a cockroach had appeared before me. He’d stared at me wordlessly, and I’d done the same, till I couldn’t take it anymore.
“I don’t,” came his reply after a pregnant pause, and I felt relief flood my being. He’d turned around so that he was looking at me directly, and true to his word, there was no hatred in his eyes. No anger of any sort, just hurt…and a question.
Why?
“I’m sorry, Ryan.” My voice faltered and I looked down. “I can’t.”
Concern clouded over his question. “Nick? What’s wrong?”
I shook my head. “I’m sorry, Ryan,” I whispered, my voice hoarse, like I, not him, had cried his eyes out. “I can’t tell you. Just…I’m sorry. But I really didn’t mean anything of what I said, I swear.”
He took a step towards me. “Nick, talk to me. Tell me what’s wrong.”
“Believe me, Ryan, I wasn’t even there with you when I said all of that. I’ve never thought that way, and-”I wasn’t seeing him anymore. All I had was the absolute horror at what I’d done. I’d implied the already insecure, talkative Ryan was a busybody who couldn’t mind his own business. I’d told him to back off, suggested that he was a terrible gossip, that-
“Nick! Snap out of it!”
I couldn’t though. What I’d said was unforgivable, and for what? Because my jealousy of Dylan had taken over? Because all I could think of was how he could read his Letterman friends, still, but not me? Because I felt miffed when he had plans with his family? That was so stupid! Even thinking it made me cringe.
Ryan was physically shaking me. “Nick!”
I stepped back from him. I was back on the train I’d tried to get off, and this only ran the risk of my saying something even stupider, higher. “I’m sorry.”
He eyed me thoroughly. When he’d ascertained that I wasn’t heading towards another panic attack, I imagine from the panic that was creeping through him, he spoke again, this time more softly. “You trust me, don’t you?”
He’d resorted to emotional blackmail, then. I shook my head vigorously. No, if this is what he was trying to do, I wouldn’t let him! Telling him would only send this...whatever it was, spiraling completely out of control.
Ryan knew what I was trying to do. “You can trust me, Nick.” His hand was back on my shoulder. “And I can help you.”
I remained mute.
“This is about Max, isn’t it?”
I think my heart stopped for a second. I stared at him, immobile – had he just said that, or was it my imagination?
His expression clarified that my imagination wasn’t running wild, and I felt my heart plummet. “Why do you look so shocked? I mean, I am one of your best friends, and no offense, it’s kinda obvious.”
Obvious? What did he mean, obvious? And what exactly was ‘it’?
“What?” I sounded like I was being strangled. Not a surprise, really, because it certainly felt like a cold pair of hands had closed around my throat and was tightening with every word.
“Oh boy.” His eyes widened. “This is worse than I thought, isn’t it? I thought it was just you getting mad because Dylan’s in the spotlight, but-”
His reference to the next key player had me feel weak in the knees, like they’d give out any second, and I stumbled clumsily to the back wall. That he’d guessed who this was about had sent a shock wave through me already, but nothing could describe the horror I was feeling upon realizing that he knew exactly what was going on. He couldn’t know! And…what opinions had he already formed?
“What do you know?” There was no point in trying to pretend.
“Not enough, clearly,” he replied softly, stepping closer to me. “But I’m not completely blind, Nick. I’ve noticed you’ve not been in the greatest of moods recently, and today…two and two just make four, you know?”
“How?” How did you know? I couldn’t complete my question, but he understood anyway.
“The only thing that’s changed recently is Max, Nick, so that had to be what’s up. And I’ve also felt that there’s something different, but that’s all. That, and today, I mean. You got annoyed when I was talking about him,” him being Dylan here, “so I just figured.”
I hadn’t regained full control of my vocal cords even then so I just looked at him blankly.
“But I’m clearly missing something here, because that doesn’t all add up.” He touched my shoulder. “What happened, Nick?”
‘I wish I knew.’
The guilt of what I’d done earlier wasn’t so much the issue as him being so right, and I just broke. One moment I was completely baffled, numb to everything and resolute on fixing the mess I’d created, and the next, I was a mess myself. It was like the weight I’d been carrying around had collapsed on my shoulders the second the possibility of offloading it presented itself, and I…
I told him everything.
*
I was officially losing my mind. It crept up to me in little bits and pieces, but by the end of the day, I was convinced of it. It was the most plausible explanation for whatever had happened, in any case.
“He’s cute,” Ryan was saying dreamily, staring at his phone.
“Who is?”
Upon my arrival, my friends started slightly. I raised an eyebrow and repeated my question as I slid in beside Ryan with my lunch.
“Doubt you’d be interested, really, but we were kinda listing down the hottest slash cutest guys this world cup,” Max answered me sheepishly, his cheeks reddening.
“Oh. Okay.” I blinked. I couldn’t claim to have even remotely expected this, so I had nothing to say.
“Well, to be precise, I started, and since Ryan wasn’t into watching, he’s Googling pictures, while Rodney claims not to have noticed any guy.”
“Hey, I actually watched for the sport!” Max had drawn my attention to Rodney, and at his comment, our friend had squirmed a little. He looked even more embarrassed than Max had been a few moments ago, and I couldn’t help but smile at his discomfort.
Max nudged him. “As did we, but you know, it’s perfectly normal to notice the players, so come on. Your five minutes of thinking are over, anyway.”
I watched silently, my interest piqued. For one, the notion that Rodney, of all people, was checking out guys was extremely alien and more than a little surprising, and for two, that Max was outwardly expressing any interest in any guy was new. Both things were, actually, and I don’t know what it was, but I found myself thinking that I had to hear this.
“Uh…”
“Aw, come on Rodney. Nobody’s judging you for being a normal teenager, you know.”
Rodney was still reluctant. “Well, there was this guy from Colombia…Rodriguez.”
There was a brief pause as everyone absorbed this piece of information.
“The one whose name is spelt James? I actually know who that is!” Ryan exclaimed. “Yeah, he was cute.” He waited for Max to agree before turning to him. “Who else, Max?”
“Well,” he started, gaze wandering. “There’s this Argentine called Gago. I liked him.”
Whether or not my friends agreed, or what they had to say, I don’t know, because truth be told, everything in me froze when our eyes had met. He’d looked at me! It was for just a second, or even less, but I was sure of it. But what had that meant?
‘Don’t be silly, Nick. He was absolutely not thinking of including you in that list!’
I relaxed a little. Of course not. They were talking about footballers anyway, and…good God. Even if it were not footballers, it didn’t matter! This had nothing to do with me! What was wrong with me?
My throat had dried up a little and I gulped down my water to rectify that, and maybe, hopefully, to wash out the rubbish in my head.
‘Pay attention to them, less attention to your thoughts.’
“I do think I have a crush on him,” Max was admitting shyly when I returned to their conversation.
What? If I hadn’t just swallowed all the water, I’d have spat some out, I think – that was the level of surprise his comment caused. Ryan’s teasing ‘ooh,’ and Max thoroughly blushing confirmed that I hadn’t heard him wrong, and needless to say, I was completely bewildered. Had they changed the subject already? And who had Max just named? Was it Dylan?
They all lapsed into silence, and I felt myself getting restless. There were just the four of us there, so it was plausible that Max would tell us then if he and Dylan were now a thing, but I couldn’t get myself to digest this possibility fully. It just didn’t feel right…but then again, I’d been completely lost to their talk, so it was possible: I could have just missed a confession from Max. And he did still look a little anxious, as though this were a big deal…
“Oh. My. God. Yes!” Ryan’s sudden outburst startled me. “I can’t believe I missed this! And you’re naming him last?”
I stared to question what was going on, but stopped when Ryan thrust his phone into his boyfriend’s hands. “He is so cute!” Ryan exclaimed, to which Rodney laughed.
Now I was lost. Rodney just nodded and said that he’d seen this guy too.
“Uh, guys?” I found my voice through the confusion. “What’s going on?”
“Sorry,” Ryan shrugged apologetically. “We sort of forgot, ignored, actually, that you wouldn’t really care about guys like that. We can change the topic now. This guy is the best.”
“No, that’s fine,” I waved him away dismissively, feeling my face heat up. Had I just said that I didn’t mind a discussion on football players and their aesthetic value? “I meant, right now,” I clarified quickly, “what just happened? Who’s that you’re on about?”
Max answered me. “I…well, there’s this one player, Oscar. I liked him the best.”
My friend shifted uncomfortably as I stared in disbelief. He’d been talking about a footballer? Why’d he have to get so shy then? It was a superfluous question though, that I flushed out with thoughts of how he hadn’t meant Dylan, though.
Not that, of course, there was anything wrong even if it had been Dylan he’d been talking about.
“Oh, right. I zoned out a little so I was super confused. For a second…never mind.”
I sounded like a complete moron, and was grateful when Rodney took the reins instead. “It’s fine, but hey, I think I’m starting to notice a pattern here. Give me your phone, Ryan.”
He complied but with a question on his face.
After a minute or two of checking something, Rodney handed the device back to Ryan. “Check out all the guys he’s named. Is it just me or does it look like Max has a specific preference?”
“What? No!” Max frowned. “I mean, I’m pretty sure I’m not into stereotyping, and there’s no label that I like in particular.”
“Let me be the judge of that.” Ryan was already scrolling through his search history, and I found myself leaning in to take a look as well. I didn’t care about what Max liked, of course not…it was just curiosity. Which was completely normal in this situation.
“And right now, it looks like Rodney is right!” came the verdict after a minute or so. “Maybe not exactly the stereotype, but is your kind of guy the tall, dark and mysterious type?”
Ryan winked at him, and Max blushed. I just looked at him curiously.
“Well, I can’t say it’s a conscious thing, at least,” he responded eventually, “and anyway, I’ve had my taste of tall, dark and mysterious and we know how that went, so,” he stretched out the world, “I think I’m open to all sorts, just as long as they’re decent, you know? I don’t mind light, short and…”
“Non mysterious?” Ryan supplied.
“I think there’s an actual word, but yeah. That. Open? Familiar?”
Rodney shook his head to show he didn’t have the exact opposite for ‘mysterious’ either, but Ryan didn’t care. “And do you know anyone like that?”
Here my narration takes a break.
You know how I mentioned I was losing my mind? Empirical proof presented itself when I found myself thinking, with a rush of blood to my face, that it wasn’t just my mind playing another trick on me – Max looked at me at that question! His gaze shifted to our companions though, soon after, and my face flushed. He’d just been maintaining eye contact!
“Ryan, if you’re trying to somehow get me to say Dylan and I are a thing, it’s not going to happen. In fact, he’s my height. Or a little taller, so there.” Max stuck his tongue out in conclusion, and we all just smiled.
Internally though, my embarrassment was complete. Of course he hadn’t been looking at me like that! Maybe he’d just noticed it, or he was looking around. It was a normal reaction, I thought to myself, for him to notice that out of all of us, I was shorter than him and had light hair…but that didn’t mean anything! And he’d so clearly had Dylan in mind anyway…
“Nick?”
My attention snapped back to Max, who had reached across the table to pat my hand to draw my attention.
“Yeah?”
“Are you okay? You look so lost.”
‘I’m losing my mind, thinking crazy stuff that I can’t even bring myself to rethink. And no, it’s not a big deal that you’re the one asking me.’
“I’m fine. I just have no useful contribution to make to this conversation, I guess.”
“Right, sorry.” He smiled apologetically. “Let’s talk about something you like.”
“Or someone you like,” Max chipped in. “Because Rodney and Ryan can definitely contribute, and, well, I established the other day with Tony that I could talk about girls, so we’re all good.”
‘You’ve even been talking to Tony, huh?’
*
The look in his eyes told me there was no need to give myself false hope that my behavior had gone unnoticed.
“Alright, I’m sorry,” I sighed when he pulled his car into our driveway. “I just…I’m sorry.”
Ryan’s expression softened somewhat. “I’m not trying to make you feel worse,” he said, putting his hand on my shoulder, “and yeah, I know you already feel bad.”
His words were soothing, but only somewhat. It really didn’t matter if Ryan was okay with me – he wasn’t the key person involved, so really, even if he declared that I was the best person on Earth, it wouldn’t help. I needed to hear that from someone else.
“Okay, then.”
It was an open invitation to fire away, say whatever it is that he had to say. “What’s going on?”
I thought about it for a while, and after coming to the conclusion that the bulk of the response was making me think ‘I don’t even know,’ I answered his question with a few of my own. “Can you break that down, please? Like, into categories so that I can actually give you a proper answer?”
He frowned at me, trying to establish whether I was being serious or messing around, trying to avoid this conversation, and it’s only when I assured him that I was too tired to play games that he was convinced. “Okay, so let’s start with something…less major. What about Lani?”
“What about her? Exactly?”
“How are you feeling about her?”
I knew what he was implying, and felt myself get defensive immediately. “Ryan, I told you! It’s really not what it looks like! I genuinely, honestly, do still like her.”
He wasn’t convinced. “Then what’s the dinner thing all about? How did you just forget?”
I wasn’t sure if he was just trying to be difficult, or maybe catch me out on what he thought was a lie by asking the same question again, but I answered him anyway. “I told you, Ryan, we’d talked about it being as the tentative date! We were yet to confirm, but we never did, and she just assumed then that we were on for that night! And I couldn’t just be all, ‘no, we didn’t agree formally,’ when she was so set on it!”
He studied my face before nodding slowly. “Alright, I accept that. But Nick, and I want you to honestly tell me, was you agreeing with her driven by guilt, or something else?”
I regretted telling Ryan about how I’d felt obliged to ask her to come clubbing with us…and the other few times. Ever since then, he’d taken to questioning my motives, and I was starting to get frustrated. “Ryan, it’s not like that. I know, with all my recent complaining, it sounds like I’m only with her because I feel tied down to it, but it’s not true! I’ve just been ignoring the good ‘cause I’ve taken it for granted, sort of, so I don’t appreciate it much.”
“Good, such as?”
For Christ’s sake! The thought of telling him to just forget about it crossed my mind, but then, he’d take that to mean that I had no answer and had in fact been lying about everything. I took a deep breath. “She’s fun to be with, okay? When I’m with her, I never get bored, and it also doesn’t feel like it’s pointless because I know everything that’s going on with her. We talk, and it’s meaningful discussions too, not just bullshit or small talk, which I like. She makes me laugh…” I trailed off, not sure what else to say to Ryan to explain this. I’d thought about it for almost every night, after every twinge of irritation I’d felt towards her, and this was my honest response. I liked Lani. Ryan was silent though, so I felt the need to keep going. “I don’t know what to say, Ryan. That feeling is still there, and it’s not just hormones and attraction and stuff because she’s pretty. It’s just…that’s become second nature to my day, but hanging out with Max hasn’t, and so I really pick on the times when I don’t get to hang out with him because I’d made a commitment to her. Or you know, because she expects me to be a normal, good boyfriend.”
“You just miss him, then,” Ryan responded softly, and I nodded. He had no idea.
And how could he, when even I was finding that this, whatever it was, ran deeper than I actually thought each day? “Yeah. Like, I guess…how would you feel if your time with Rodney dropped to virtually zero overnight?”
I wanted him to understand, that’s all. I swear upon it.
I didn’t realize my mistake though, till, after a full minute of grave silence, he spoke. “Nick, you do realize that Rodney is my boyfriend, right?”
Oh. My. God. I face-palmed myself then. It was an automatic reflex – why had I not thought about exactly what I was saying? Now he’d start getting fancy ideas again! “I didn’t mean it like that! God, you know that! I’m just saying that the change now, in terms of how much we interact and stuff, feels that drastic to me!” I sounded desperate, and I was.
This was why I’d been so reluctant to tell anyone! They’d take it all the wrong way, and just as I had known, the pressure of trying to convince them that they were mistaken was maddening. The crease in his forehead disappeared, thankfully, but there was still that look in his eyes that told me that the cogs in his brain were still spinning.
Whatever. I was honestly too tired to try to convince him otherwise. All that mattered was that I knew what was going on at the end of the day, anyway.
“Okay, fine,” he nodded eventually. “That’s Lani, then. What about Max? What happened today?”
My face flushed. Where Max was concerned, there was a whole lot more to be said, and I really wasn’t up for saying anything about it. I’d over-reacted, and if there ever was a time in recent past that I wished I could reverse time and undo my actions, this evening was it.
“Do we haveto talk about this?” I dropped my face into my hands. “You were there, weren’t you?”
“Hey, this isn’t a torture-Nick session we have going on,” his hand was on my shoulder, “and so no, we don’t have to talk about anything. But you know, I’d like to hear you out and just get what’s going on with you, you know?”
I knew that. Ryan was just trying to share my problem and help out, but that didn’t mean that it was fun having a mental recap of the evening. “Where do I start?”
I looked up to see him smiling. “How about the start? When we all grouped up and got to school? How were you feeling then?”
“Well, that was fine, really. Seeing everyone was nice, and I was looking forward to seeing what the evening held?” I shrugged. “There isn’t anything here.”
“It was pretty uneventful,” he conceded, “so makes sense. What happened after that?”
“As in, what we did, what I was thinking?” I asked, and when he nodded, I continued. “Well, we were there and we hung out, and that was fun…” the memory brought a smile to my face, “so so far, so good. In fact, everything was okay, it’s just the end where, you know, I lost it.”
“I realized that,” he said wryly, “but just checking. The dance was okay otherwise? You had fun?”
“Yeah. That part was great, Ryan.”
We lapsed into mutual silence for a bit after that – it was like the rest you take before embarking on a new physical activity. A few moments to gather yourself up before going into the heart of the matter, just like we were.
“The dance was fun, then. What happened during the drive to the ice cream parlor?”
I cringed visibly at the memory, and Ryan’s hand was on my shoulder again.
“Listen, there’s no judging going on right now, or ever, for that matter, so don’t worry, okay? And don’t think about afterwards. Tell me about then and there, in that moment…if you want to.”
“Right, right. That moment,” I mumbled, closing my eyes.
It wasn’t very hard to get there, to be honest – everything had been so clearly etched into memory that imagining myself back in Ryan’s car with Max by my side wasn’t difficult at all.
At the start of the dance, we’d come together and decided to go get ice cream before calling it a night. Max had clearly been reluctant to leave, and it’s only when the party was definitely ending that he let go.
“I take it you had a lot of fun, then,” Lani had smiled at him as he got in beside me, her reference being his reluctance to leave.
He beamed. “I did, actually! I really hadn’t thought it would go half as well as it did, so yeah, I’m pretty psyched. But I’m also psyched about ice cream, so let’s go!”
“And can I ask why you hadn’t thought you were in for a good time?” Maya teased, the implication being that she was offended that Max hadn’t thought he’d have fun even though she was his date.
Max had turned to look towards her. “Hey, no, don’t take it the wrong way,” he’d answered softly, “it’s really not about you. In fact, knowing you were there kinda helped pump me up. I was actually worried about the dancing part.”
“I’m confused,” Lani had said, “what do you mean?”
“Well, I just can’t dance,” he shrugged, and the query on her face was silenced. She understood, and I think she felt kind of silly for forgetting about Max’s…condition, so I squeezed her hand in reassurance. “But,” he brightened up, “you guys were great! And my other dance partners too, so I had fun!”
Lani sensed that it wouldn’t be appropriate to dwell on it, and she smiled, too. “Thanks,” she winked. “I was one of them, wasn’t I?”
“Uh huh,” Max had nodded happily, “I danced with everyone though so don’t put yourself up on a pedestal,” he teased, “but whatever. I had a great time! So…amen.”
It had been as good as a slap to my face. Everyone?
Did that mean that I didn’t even exist for him anymore?
Back with Ryan though, all I said was: He said he’d danced with everyone, Ryan. But guess what, I didn’t dance with him.
“Aw, Nick!” A new understanding had dawned upon his face. I was surprised, somewhat, because he had figured out that things had gone downhill during the ride, but clearly, he hadn’t known what had been my trigger. “How did that make you feel?”
I gave him the ‘are you seriously asking me that?’ look, but he just told me to answer the question.
“Well, I felt like crap, obviously, because he said everyone and I was sitting right next to him. And, well, yeah, that’s basically it.”
“Did you also get angry?”
I visualized the scene again. The second he’d said ‘everyone’, my good mood had come crashing down through the ceiling. I hadn’t danced with him, and I was the only one. After starting off with Maya, Ryan had taken over, then Lani, Rodney, those other people…he was right, he’d danced with everyone, except me.
No, I decided, what I did after wasn’t out of conscious spite.
I shook my head. “No, I wasn’t angry, per se, but I guess it’s my defense mechanism to just shut down when I’m hurt. I’m assuming you asked if I got mad because of…what I did.”
Where reliving the ride brought back the hurt, thinking about the parlor itself made me want to hide my face forever in shame.
“Alright, so just to get this straight, you felt really, really bad when you felt like Max had completely ignored you. And when we got there, you-”
“Snubbed him completely because I felt stupid for letting him have that big an effect on me.” I sighed. “I was just trying to prove to him-” Ryan raised an eyebrow, “okay, prove to me,” I amended, “that I don’t need him.”
Saying it like that made me feel even more stupid. What sort of reasoning was that? At the time it had made perfect sense, act aloof and show Max that it doesn’t bother me if he forgets about me, but…he hadn’t done it deliberately nor was it a moment of truth revelation of what he really thought about me, and I knew it. He hadn’t been trying to ostracize me, but this was something that only occurred to me when he’d sadly, tentatively, wished me good night.
Like it was a risk he was taking.
He’d looked so hurt, and my conscience spiked.
“Don’t ask, Ryan,” I told my friend, “even I don’t know what happened to me. I wasn’t thinking.”
“You were upset,” he shrugged, “and I sort of get where you were coming from.”
I was alert. “There’s a ‘but’ there, isn’t it? But Nick, what?”
He didn’t respond immediately, and after eyeing me properly, he just shook his head. “No, I wasn’t actually thinking of a ‘but’. I was thinking about what you’re thinking now.”
“Well, I feel crappy about myself for being such a jerk, but also…”
“Also?” he prompted.
Also, I can’t just forget or ignore what happened earlier. None of it. “I miss him.”
That look was back in my friend’s eyes, and where I’d felt exhausted before, I was now ready to drop dead.
“I don’t know, Ryan,” I answered the question on his face, “I don’t know anymore. I can’t think right now, but for what it’s worth, even if I have fallen for him, now is the worst possible time there ever could have been, when he doesn’t need me anymore.”
First of all, thanks so much for reading! I'm variable with the length I can read and digest so thanks for bearing with this :)
Tell me what you think, please? In as many words as is possible :P
Also, by posting this, I'd like to let you know I'm confimring my title of Queen of Inconsistency. I don't know, I haven't been feeling the drive to keep writing till I die of late, so I don't know how long till the next upload. Sorry about that. I will try and am trying, but I just got that feeling, you know?
AND. There's a question I have for you guys in terms of parts/no parts - please check out the broadcast on my profile and get back to me on that too?