To Adrien,
It's hard having all of these words but never the right ones to express how you truly feel. Because I find only the greatest of pleasures in saying the truest of things. Yet, I never do.
In the sixth grade, I 'liked' every boy who spoke to me. There was nothing different about you.
I suppose that's a lie. Your hair reminded me of a knock-off Nick Jonas so it was only natural that I was drawn to your dry wit and lack-of-charm.
But we were fireflies next to Washington city lights. Shy as we made short walks to P. E, occasional conversations in class, and brief hellos around hallways incredibly awkward. I tolerated your sense of humor and you tolerated mine. And maybe, that was more than enough.
As the years flew by, we grew stagnant. Everyday was the same childish joke, the same stupid meme, the same us. We hummed the Game Theory jingle as we flipped through your Instagram feed filled with scenic photos and none of yourself, while glaring at each other behind giant boxes of Fruit Loops.
It was fun fumbling through basic social interactions. But once we found our words, even the smallest details in the longest conversations became priceless. Immaculate.
Until my thoughts began to turn you into someone I hardly recognized at all. Your smug smiles couldn't just be smug smiles. No, now they were nefarious kitten smiles.
When did it escalate to stealing glances at you during class? Glances you'd catch immediately. Glances I played off with the charisma of startled mime.
Everytime I'd frown or glare at you, you'd copy me like a kid in preschool.
And everytime I got annoyed you'd say, "but your facial expressions are so interesting."
Then I'd say, "I hate you. Please die."
I said that a lot actually.
Everytime I was ready to leave class and you suddenly appeared asking for the homework.
Everytime I checked my laptop and you were there peeking at the screen.
Everytime you said my name wrong.
Once, you asked if I meant it.
So that Friday afternoon, I found these words,
"I don't hate you."
I hate that we can't agree on our favorite foods but you help me finish bags of Illuminati Sharks. I hate how my name plays on your tongue whenever you bother to pronounce it correctly.
I hate words. Because none could ever truly express how I feel about you.
I wanted my heart to understand what we were, "Just friends." For the feeling to crumble to dust so that we didn't break instead.
Because I really, really, don't hate you.
I just hate that I never want to lose you.
Always and Forever,
Simone
P. S. I promise one day, I'll say those perfectly right words. But for now, I hope, 'I don't hate you' will suffice. Because I love so much about you. And I'm glad that you've stuck around for the last five years.
So, thank you.