"Speak up your mind even if your voice shakes" (Maggie Kuhn)
KYLE'S POV
I was quite proud of myself for how steady my voice sounded to my own ears, betraying nothing of my inner turmoil. I knew I looked calm, serein even. I wanted to tell them everything, but that did not mean I was about to act like a crybaby about it. Beside, I had moved on. Things did not hurt as much as they used to. Sometimes, I even felt empty and I enjoyed the numb state I found myself into. It was somewhat peaceful. If my mates were surprised by my behaviour, they did not say anything about it and patiently listened to me instead.
When I started talking about my uncle's training and beating, I could feel Nate's intense gaze on me, but I kept my eyes on the matress. I had moved from Darren's laps a while ago, and I was trying to pretend that my mates weren't in the tent with me, listening to my sad and pitiful little tale. I was not only ashamed of myself for being bullied by my sorry excuse of an uncle for years. I was ashamed for accepting to take those pills, which had made my control slipped on numerous occasions in the past.
It was under those damn pills' influence that I had killed my uncle, and attempted to rape Nate. Whenever I took them, I felt stronger and more confident, sure, but at the same time it was harder to rein my anger in, especially when I was a teenager. Sometimes, I felt like I was a monster, an enraged beast. However, those pills couldn't be used as an excuse for my horrible behaviour back then. People who commit unlawful acts under the influence of drugs or alcohool are not let out of the hook that easily, so why should I?
NATE'S POV
Something was very wrong with Kyle. My eyes started to burn and I could feel Darren's hand grabbing mine and giving it a gentle squeeze. It was not just the things Kyle was telling us about that made me want to vomit. It was the cold way he spoke about them, like they never really happened to him and he was telling the story of someone else. His voice was mecanic, devoid of any emotions. He was standing very straight, with his hands folded on his laps. The worst part was that he was not even looking at us, like he was completely unaware of our existence. It felt like we could not touch him or even talk to him. I was scared of what his reaction would be if we dared make a comforting gesture.
He was completely closed-off and I had absolutely no access to his thoughs and emotions at the moment. I could only guess that he was feeling ashamed and disgusted with himself , but I had no proof of that because he was in complete control of himself. I did not know it was possible to hide anything from your mates, but Kyle could obviously do it and it was impressive, even though it must also be mentally exhausting. He looked like the perfect warrior I knew he was: cold, composed and powerful. Where was the shy, witty and highly competitive Kyle I loved to tease? Suddenly Kyle felt silent and started putting his shoes on. He was just going out for a run as if the three of us had just been casually chit-chatting a few minutes ago! I could feel my anger and concern raising. Darren must have had the same thought, as he spoke up in his deep voice.
"Kyle"
DARREN'S POV
I could clearly see the tension in Kyle, as he straightened his back and exhaled deeply through his nose. He could try to hide from us, but I knew him well already. A few seconds later, though, he rose his head and replied with a bored expression:
"What?"
My wolf growled lowly, annoyed by his disrespectful tone but I did not say anything and looked at my stubborn mate with a calm expression instead.
"What?" he repeated, anger evident in his voice as I kept watching him in silence. "If you have something to say, just spill it out Darren. Don't make me loose any more of my time with one of your fucking therapy session. I have a team of wolves to train, remember? Not all of us can actually spend their times fucking and cuddling with their mates"
I was not about to get angry, because I had the feeling that was exactly what Kyle wanted. To get us mad so we would stop thinking about what he had just told us. To anger us, so we would leave him alone and not look further into it. Well, too bad, that was not gonna work.
"It's too bad, because you look like you really need it" Nate eventually said.
"What?" Kyle asked with a confused tone, his fake anger momentally forgotten.
"Fucking and cuddling. Not necessarily in this order" Nate clarified.
"Yeah, whatever" Kyle mumbled, his cheeks turning slightly pink, before putting his neutral mask back in place again.
We fell silent but it was not one of those comfortable silence. Nate looked very upset, constantly fidgetting by my side while Kyle looked very bored, like he could not wait for this "Fucking therapy session", as he said, to be over.
"Kyle, come and sit closer to me" I demanded.
"Why?" he asked defiantly.
"Just do what I say. The sooner you obey, the sooner you can go back to your beloved training"
"I don't - "
"Do it now. What are you afraid of, a big wolf like you? " I purposely teased him.
"I am not afraid of anything, especially not you" he grumbled before moving closer, not close enough that our knees were actually touching, but close enough so that I could grab his hand, if I wanted to. We were currently facing each other.
"Look at me, Kyle"
He shoke his head, his eyes still glued on his laps.
"Are you afr - "
"Ok, ok! Are you happy? Fuck, you're so annoying" he huffed, his beautiful black eyes finally meeting mine.
"I am not happy, because you're not"
"What? Is it one of your riddles? What the fuck are you talking about?"
"Thank you for agreeing to talk to us today" Nate spoke softly, moving closer too so that Kyle was currently sitting between both of us, preventing him from escaping. Kyle looked a little worried when he realized it, but he did not make any further comments.
"We knew you had to experience traumatic events, but we did not imagine it was so bad. We're so sorry, Kyle" I continued.
"Whatever, just let me go" he replied with a dry tone, his composed facade slowly crumbling.
"It must have been so hard for you. You were alone and you needed someone to help you going through all those changes teenagers experienced at some point. But instead, your bastard uncle made you feel ashamed about yourself. I wish he was still alive, so I could kill him myself"
"Shut the fuck up, Nate. I did not need your help. I don't need anyone's help"
"Nate's right, I don't know how you managed to survive" I added, ignoring Kyle's murderous glare. "You have been alone for all those years, bearing what you thought was an unspokable secret and being ashamed of yourself. I'm sorry we did not realised it sooner, Kyle"
"Darren..."
"I bet you did not cry. I am sure that even as a teen, you refused to shed a single tear. But it's okay to cry, Kyle. It's okay to be sad and wounded and to let it go sometimes"
Kyle tried to get out from the bed but I prevented him to do so by gathering him in my arms. He was now trashing violently, trying to escape from my embrace but I never let go, even when he elbowed me in the ribs.
"You can cry, Kyle. We will never let you go. You are beautiful, and strong, and amazing and we are so proud for having you as our mate. We love you, no matter what"
He suddenly broke down into tears in my arms, completely soaking my shirt within a few minutes. He was not crying soundelessly: his sobbs were very loud, and they were heartbreaking. He was crying for all the times when he had been suffering in silence as a teen, and later as a young adult. He was crying because he only had taken very recently the road to recovery and self-care. I hold him even tigher against my chest, whispering sweet words in his ear while Nate was deposing small kisses on the back of his neck.
"It hurt. It still hurts so much. I felt so lonely. There was nobody I could talk to, nobody. And I was a monster, none would come close and - "
"Shhh, it's over now".
He eventually stopped crying and we made him lay down on the bed between us. He quickly doze off, completely exhausted by his previous outburst. Nate started caressing his long, shiny brown hair and I looked at them, feeling a painful pang in my chest at the thought of leaving them, even for a few days.
"Take good care of him during my absence, Nate."
Nate looked up at me, and nodded gravely.
I gave him a final long and deep kiss, put the blanket on both of them and silently exited the tent.
Okay, so there has been a lot of drama in the last few chapters and I'm sorry ;) But Kyle is doing better now, and he is slowly realising that he can rely on his mates. This story is coming to an end, but it still has four or five chapters to go. Thank you again for reading it and BIG UP to those who voted and left comments. I feel encouraged that some people take the time to share their thoughts, means a lot.
Until next time,
xxxxx
#hasnoshame