Carter kissed me!
He had leaned forward and planted his lips right on mine.
He kissed me.
My mind raced as I sat in the sand next to the person I used to dream would kiss me and here we were. He had done it. It's been a year since the last time I had felt his lips and it brought back every memory. Every spark that was ever there. But I felt guilty. I felt horribly sick. I needed to throw up.
He kissed me.
"I have to go," I jumped from my seat on the sand. My legs didn't want to... but I forced them to move. I needed to leave. I had to get out of here. Carter kissed me and it was all too much. He was engaged... I was engaged. What was he thinking? How was I going to tell Andrew? Would I tell Andrew? I shook my head. Of course, I had to tell Andrew he had the right to know. My body shook as I drew myself further away from Carter.
He kissed me.
My mind racing, my lips tingling from where they had been touched. I wanted him to do it again. I wanted to run back into his arms. He would pick me up and spin me around as he...kissed me.
But instead, I ran away.
I turned on my heel and I sprinted until my legs wouldn't go any further. I searched for Clara, my mind wandering back to the man I had left behind. Why was I always running away?
Clara sat in a blue and white pool chair with her legs raised and her head thrown back as if she was sleeping. A group of guy and girls sit around her in similar chairs. I nearly didn't recognize her, except for the tattoo I knew she had on her right foot. I tried to catch my breath for a moment as the group of teenagers staring at me like a psychopath. Clara pulls her glasses down her nose as if she was trying to see who was blocking her sun. I exhaled rapidly as she shoots out of her chair wrapping her arms around me.
"You finally broke out of your slump and decided to come outside," She smiles as she spins me around. Suddenly a wave of sickness hit me and I pushed her away. Holding my stomach while I pray not to vomit on the sand, not right here, not right now.
I shook my head violently. Maybe she would understand that something was seriously wrong. She grabbed my arm pulling me up the beach closer to the sidewalk. Closer to the hotel.
"Erin, what is wrong with you?" She wrapped her arm around me now, her hand patting my back as she tries to calm me down.
"He kissed me..." I felt the words, cold and filled with guilt on my lips. Clara's eyes opened wide as she searches the beach around us for any sign of who I was talking about. Once she had completed that she grabbed my shoulders, holding me directly in front of her.
"Carter?" She questioned, but she already knew. Her voice a whisper, filled with so many emotions and thoughts that I knew she already knew.
"Yes," I managed to whimper out in my stupor.
"What? How did this happen?" I shook my head, the tears rolling freely down my face. I needed to get out of this state, it seemed like everything that had happened on this trip was worse than the last and I wasn't sure I was going to make it two more weeks.
"I don't know how it happened," I paused for a moment trying to figure out what to say. I really had no clue how it had happened. One minute everything was fine but the next he had leaned down and the damage was already done. I felt awful. I had hurt Kylie without even knowing it, and honestly, she deserved it. But she didn't, as much as a gold digger she was nobody deserves what Carter and I had done. My mind was racing. "I took a surf class and Carter was there,"
"Wait, you went surfing without me?" Clara's shoulders dropped. My heart raced with anger this time. That was not the problem at hand and she needed to focus.
"Focus!" I shouted, looking at her before searching the beach. What if Carter had followed me? Would he disappear for years now, like he did when I picked Andrew in the first place? Was I ever going to get my best friend back the way we used to be in high school or had we gone too far in the wrong direction?
"Okay fine, Carter was there, then what happened?" Clara rolls her eyes. She finally dropped her hands from my shoulders allowing me to use my whole body to express how nervous I was. I was shaking like a dog that just got out of an ice bath. I shook my head trying my best to focus on what I needed to say.
"I finished the class and he was waiting for me, he wanted to talk. So we sat by the water and we talked and he just leaned over and kissed me," I muttered. My words seemed to blur together as if they were one long one. I couldn't believe she understood anything I had said.
"What did you two talk about?" She questioned. Now it was my time for my eyes to grow three sizes. I couldn't remember. I knew we sat on the beach but everything after that seemed to be a blur and I just couldn't remember what was said. I knew things had been said. I knew they had hurt my heart instead of making me feel better about the situation. I knew he had missed me but I couldn't for the life of me repeat to Clara what had been said.
"I don't even know what we talked about, I can't remember?"
"What do you mean you don't remember?" Clara folded her arms as if she was really annoyed with me. I shook my head countless times. I needed to get back to the hotel.
I could hear her running after me. I could almost feel her feet thudding against the sand just as quickly as mine had been. I wanted her to stay. I wanted her to enjoy her vacation. I felt awful that I had ruined this for her. I was going home so she wouldn't have to worry about it anymore. There wasn't anything else I could manage to muddle up here.
I cringed as my feet hit the sidewalk. My shoes in my hand. I didn't have time to stop and put them on though so I kept running.
"Erin!" I heard Clara yell as she trails behind me. We run down the sidewalk until we are outside of our hotel. I stop right outside the door and turn to her. My emotions were running wild. My body wanting to explode with anger and fear. The anxiety boiling in my chest like a pot of water ready to boil over the top of the pan. The flame was so warm I knew I was going to burn someone if I didn't get away from this situation.
But there I was, always running from everything.
I did it to Andrew when I ran away on this trip. I did it to Carter last year because I couldn't deal with the fear of him leaving me just like he had. Now I'm doing it to Clara because I can't handle how much of a disappointment I had become on this vacation.
I entered the lobby, people flooded the room as they try to get to whatever fun event they had going on today. I nodded to an older couple wiping the tears away from my eyes. They turned to look at me like I was an idiot. Clara burst through the doors nearly hitting this as she apologized following me to the elevator. We were locked in. Both of us sitting awkwardly in silence as the older woman stands alone in her corner. We couldn't hash it out here. She was just trying to get back to her room as much as I was. Or at least Clara and I both were.
The elevator was so quiet that you could practically hear our eyes blinking. Like in all the cartoons one would watch as a child. I missed those days, my body craving those simplistic afternoons, the ones my mother would watch me play outside as I chased butterflies. Why couldn't I just turn back time and head to one of those beautiful moments again? Or when my father was still alive, those ones are the ones I really want back.
I felt like apologizing to the lady. She had stepped in on an awkward atmosphere and she didn't need that on her vacation. Clara glared at me and I swallowed the lump in my throat. That was what had stopped me from making a fool out of myself once again.
Once the elevator came to a stop, Clara and I bolted out but only for her to grab my arm and whip me around to where I could see her.
"What the hell is your problem?" She questions staring at me in the eyes. Her body was boiling, her eyes burning me as she stares into my soul. I shook my head once again, what felt like the millionth time in the last ten minutes.
"I have to go home, I can't do this. I need to get back to Andrew to figure out what is going on in our engagement, but now he is for sure going to leave me because of Carter and I don't know, I need to get home," My words were a flood that was just released on top of a heavy rainstorm. Clara shook her head back at me, her finger hitting my chest.
"Leave that dumbass, your heart belongs with Carter and you need to be with him," I watched her carefully as she led me to the hotel room. She opened the door and pushed me inside, "I'm so sick of this, Andrew was never the man you were supposed to marry, he is amazing and sweet, and he has so much to offer but damn Erin you will never be truly happy with that man and I can't believe you don't see it," I felt like a child under her words as I plop down on the couch. She continues to stand as she speaks.
"We have been hoping you two would fall apart because even your mom knows you should be with Carter, why do you think we went to California of all places, I knew he lived here and I figured fate would put the two of you back into each others lives, because that is who you belong to," She paused yet again before rubbing her temples.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to take you to the restaurant when he was proposing, I honestly didn't put two and two together and you didn't deserve to see that. That was horrible of me and I fully understand if you are mad at me for that, but you have no right to be mad at more for getting you out of your comfort zone and showing you that you shouldn't be with Andrew, you have been nothing but miserable on this entire trip and I"m so fed up with it that it is going to have to stop."
Clara was right, every word she said hit me like a brick wall. I wasn't with the man I needed to be with, but it was the choice I had made and I need to stick to it.
I sat there. Not sure what to do. Clara was right. She was the most correct person in this entire world. I was lying to myself by thinking I would last with Andrew. What was I holding onto> Why was I willing to put so much effort into this.
"You knew Carter was going to be at the restaurant?" I questioned, my fingers tapping against the sofa. Is that why she had wanted to eat there so badly? I shook my head, this was all growing to be too much. If I had thought everything else was going to push me past my breaking point I knew this was it. This was what was finally going to kill me.
"Yes, and Erin, I am so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you," She looked down at the ground. I nodded my head.
"I understand," I muttered. There was nothing I could do at this moment to change it. I could be angry with her, honestly, I felt the anger inside me, but that would be yet another thing that had gone wrong on this trip. I chose not to let that happen.
"Oh i'm so glad you do," She smiled opening her arms wide as she walked towards me engulfing me in a huge hug. I hugged her back feeling a sense of relief as a small weight lifts off my shoulder. I couldn't be mad at Clara, she was all I had.
"I need a minute to talk to my mother though. I need to figure all of this out, so if you could just give me a moment that would be great," I whispered, hoping she wouldn't think I was kicking her out. Luckily she didn't.
"No worries, I will be back with the boys if you need me," She smiled as she closed the hotel door behind her heading off to the lobby. I chuckled to myself lightly as I head for my bedroom. I needed to call my mother and talk all of this through.
Plopping down on the bed I found myself letting out a huge sigh. The weight of the world was crashing down on me, but at least I was still functioning. I picked up my phone and dialed my mother. She answered on the third ring.
"How are things going honey?" She questions. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I didn't want to tell her but I knew I couldn't figure this out without her.
"Not good," I mumbled. She paused for a moment before she answered.
"You sound like you need to talk, I'm here. I'm all ears," I heard her close a door. Glancing at the clock it was late enough she must have been at home. I smiled knowing she was making me a priority. That was what I truly needed right now.
"Carter kissed me, Andrew practically dumped me but I'm not sure if he did or not, I'm so confused what's going on with any and all relationships... oh and I forgot to mention, Carter got engaged," I could feel the words fly out of my mouth like word vomit.
"Wait Carter kissed you but he is engaged?" My mother seemed just as confused as I had been in the moment. He had really kissed me and it shouldn't have been such a shock cause I knew he had feelings for me. He had kissed me a year ago, and it was just as amazing. But this was random, this was a year later, our lives had taken us to completely different places. There was nothing warning about the kiss.
"Yes, but Clara took me to a restaurant and he was there, he proposed to his girlfriend Kylie, after I heard her talking in the bathroom about how she was just in it for the money, I wasn't even able to tell him that, but it's like he knows already," I wanted to scream. The more I told my mother the more I realized how messed up the whole thing was.
"Hon, I'm sure he does," She was probably right. I knew it too, in my heart I felt like Carter wasn't that dumb. He had to know there was something fishy about Kylie. She barely even paid attention to him after he had proposed she was too focused on taking selfies. Why would he have been so willing to leave someone sitting to chase after an old flame if he was really in love with her?
"What do I do?" I questioned, hoping my mother would have a quick fix to this whole situation. I heard her sigh in the background.
"I hate to tell you sweetheart, but you are going to have to face Andrew and Carter. You need to figure out what's going on with both of them and you need to do that before you come home, so take a night to sleep on it, figure out what you really want and make some phone calls, you need to pick. No more going back and forth you've really hurt Andrew by acting like this. Even if he doesn't know yet," She was right. But Andrew had left me and I wasn't sure she was understanding what I was saying.
"Andrew left me, then asked me to come home, he told me if I went on this trip I was never welcome in his house again. I came on this trip and so by that logic I shouldn't be allowed in his house again, he doesn't want to talk to me,"
"Erin, this is part of what you have to figure out and how much you want to put up with, each one is going to have flaws. You need to find the flaws you can deal with forever," My mother sounded so sweet, her voice makes me feel better. I wanted her to just explain the meaning of life to me, or something really smart so she would just talk. "You got this, no need to worry, my sweet girl is smart and she will figure it all out," She added on.
"But where do I start?" I question, my hand trembling against my ear.
He had kissed me.
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Raise your hand if you want to slap Carter for being such an idiot!