Requested by: @Voiceless-trust, I know this isn't exactly what you wanted, but I hope you enjoy nonetheless!
"Spread out. Hanbee and Mizurou, Nakarai and Mikage, okay?" Suzuya spoke, smiling at his squad despite the stressful situation they were in.
"Shouldn't I go with you?" Hanbee hesitantly said, nervously fiddling with his quinque. He hadn't gone on a mission without Suzuya in a long while... Would he still perform well? Would Mizurou think of him as a bother? He didn't want to be useless... He had felt useless enough in the past four months.
"You'll be fine!" Juuzou cheerily waved off. "This is just to check if there are any ghouls still around or maybe any victims, no big deal!"
Hanbee decided against insisting on accompanying his squad leader. Even though he wanted to be able to watch out for Suzuya, he knew Juuzou would be fine anyways. And he had to admit that they would indeed cover more ground if they split up.
The search was the worst thing Hanbee ever experienced. He and Mizurou hadn't encountered any ghouls yet, but they found a minimum of at least six humans who apparently were starved to death. He hated being so squeamish around blood and dead bodies, but even Mizurou was slightly creeped out by the sight of it.
"Hey, Abara..." Mizurou hesitantly started. "Isn't this... the organization that kidnapped them..?" He carefully asked, although Tamaki could have used all the carefulness in the world, Hanbee's heart still clenched at the mention of you.
His self loathing seemed to increase tenfold in mere seconds as he recalled how those ghouls had taken you away from him because of how cowardly he was, and seeing what they apparently did to their hostages made him sick. He hoped you didn't go through that too, but you have been missing for four months. The chances that you hadn't died of starvation like all the others were below 5% for sure.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that." The male said, snapping Hanbee out of his gloomy, negative thoughts. He really had to stop that. After all, you told him once that a negative mind will never give someone a positive life...
"It's... fine." Hanbee replied. "You're right anyway, but we should focus on the mission at hand." Those words physically hurt Hanbee so damn much, even though they were true. You were probably dead, and he had to deal with the consequences of not being able to save you.
"Listen, I'm sorry about (Y/N). I'm sure they're alive somewhere. They're super tough." Mizurou said before stopping at the door, sighing. "This is the last one. But hey, maybe the others found them, right?"
Hanbee hesitated. It would be that much worse if you were alive because that would mean you went through four months of torture and starvation because he wasn't able to save you.
In the end, he wasn't sure if he'd be happier knowing you were dead or finding you alive and suffering.
"Holy shit." Hanbee snapped his attention to where Mizurou's was directed, looking for the source of his colleague's foul language.
His brain seemed to stop functioning once is eyes fell on just who was sitting in a chair in the middle of the room, although not everyone might have recognized them— recognized you.
You were deathly pale, your skin was bruised and cut all over. You were basically just flesh and bones, and it scared Hanbee to death.
Forgetting that this might just be a trap, the man dropped his quinque to stumble towards you, checking for any vital signs. Level of consciousness was not one of them. You hadn't even reacted when they walked in your cell. despite having your eyes slightly opened.
Hanbee stopped right in front of you, hoping he'd see anything that would confirm you were still alive, that he still had a chance at redemption, that he still had a chance with you.
Slowly, he brought two of his fingers to your tied up wrists and he desperately searched for a pulse, which was apparently missing. Either that or it was incredibly weak.
"...bee.." He glanced down at your face, which was directed towards the floor. He could see your chest heaving up and down slightly faster. Was that just an illusion?
"Are they..." Mizurou started, keeping his distance from the two of you. "Are they dead..?"
Hanbee simply stayed silent, waiting for you to speak. If you spoke, that meant you still had a chance, no?
"...anbee..." You muttered, nearly hyperventilating.
That one, Hanbee definitely heard. You were alive. You were alive and you remembered him..!
Letting out a cry of relief, the tall man fell to his knees in front of you, his forehead falling down on your lap while he cried.
"I need medical help!" Mizurou yelled into his transmitter after seeing Hanbee's reaction. "We've got a survivor here, they're weak but they're conscious!"
Hanbee simply ignored the fact that he wasn't alone in here with you and wrapped his arms gently around your waist as he sobbed while Tamaki tried to pry him off of you so the medics could take a look at you when they arrived.
••••
Your eye remained on the television set in front of you as you watched what must be the cringiest soap opera ever.
You really wished you had something better to do, but you didn't. The television was the only escape you had from noticing how frail, skinny and screwed up you now were thanks to those sadistic ghouls.
You didn't get a lot of visit either. Other than Sasaki, Akira, Suzuya and a few relatives, you were all alone in this bland hospital room all day long. And even if the three investigators passed by, it was only for information on what happened with the ghouls, if you saw any of their faces, if you knew any names or places they might be hiding... Etc...
"Hi, (Y/N)!" Juuzou greeted as he entered the room. "How're you holding up?"
"I still can't eat." You gloomily said as you kept your focus on the TV show. "They can't figure out what's wrong with me."
"Ah, I'm sure you'll find your hunger again soon! It's already been a month since they started the treatment!" He optimistically said.
"What are you here for?" You asked, trying to avoid the subject of refeeding.
"Ah, just the usual, with some new questions this time!" He answered before settling down on a couch near your bed. "So, they were depriving you of food, right?"
"Yeah..." You still kept your gaze on the television even though you were more focused on Suzuya now.
"But what were they feeding you during that time? They couldn't have kept you alive for four months with no food at all!"
Oh gosh, here it was. You had been praying they'd never ask that forbidden question, the thing that will haunt you forever. The thing that might explain why you can't even eat human food anymore.
"There was a doctor." You said, hoping he wouldn't push any further even though you knew he would.
"What did they do?"
You closed your eyes and took a deep breath to avoid crying right there and then. "He... I don't know, he injected something into me and... and after that they..."
"What did they do?"
"They were feeding me scraps of human meat. And it tasted okay."
Suzuya stayed silent. He simply eyed you down, as if trying to figure out just what was wrong with you, and you knew he figured it out.
"Did you tell the doctors here?" He finally asked, although his voice was a lot more serious and monotone.
You simply shook your head, ashamed. "Do I need to? As soon as you tell the CCG, I'm as good as dead. I can't eat human food anymore, and I can't walk around with an IV forever. Hell, I heard nurses say the IV isn't even working that well now." You finally turned your head to the raven haired boy. "I'm a ghoul, Suzuya. There's no other explanation for it."
The male simply stood up, before smiling. "Thanks for the information, (Y/N)! It was greatly appreciated, and don't worry, we'll take care of you!" With that, he turned to leave before you called out his name, causing the investigator to stop in his tracks.
"Could you ask Hanbee again if he could swing by? I asked Sasaki and Mado to do the same, but he never even showed his face here. Tell him I really miss him." You said, desperation obvious in your voice.
Juuzou turned to you with a bright smile, one that was supposed to tell you everything's going to be alright, but you had seen so many of those that you could read through them. It was more of an 'I'm sorry' smile.
"You know I will!" With that, the man walked away, leaving you all alone once again with your awful thoughts.
Why didn't Hanbee visit you? Was he ashamed of you? Of himself? Was he scared of you? Did he think you'd hate him or something?
So many thoughts raced through your mind on the matter, yet the only ones you thought were plausible were the negative ones.
Maybe he didn't want to be with you anymore due to the events that had occurred. It would make sense if he would be looking for someone stronger, who could look out for themselves instead of having someone that needed saving 24/7.
It didn't help that with the state you were in now, you were far from looking attractive. Was that why he wasn't visiting you? Because he wanted to break up but was too scared to do it? Was it something else? Were you just overreacting?
At some point, you had to stop questioning it because of a headache that soon came to you. You'd have to figure it out when you'd leave the hospital, and that wouldn't be for a good few months, at least.
You sighed, before averting your attention to the bad soap opera which you soon noticed sounded a bit like how your life was going right now.
••••
"(Y/N) wants you to visit by the way, Hanbee." Juuzou nonchalantly said as he settled back down at his desk.
"Yeah, Sasaki and Mado keep telling him too." Mizurou said, giving Hanbee a judgemental look. "Are you that scared of confrontation? One day you're all over them and I can barely pull you off the poor thing and now you don't want to be within a ten kilometres radius of them. You're not helping their condition with this, you know."
"They might think you hate them or something." Nakarai added, nodding at Tamaki's words.
"But I can't show my face in front of them!" Hanbee exclaimed. "I failed to protect them and you expect me to act as if my cowardice didn't just nearly cost them their life?"
"And their humanity." Juuzou added, causing his whole squad to turn towards him.
"What..?" The tall man asked nervously.
"They told me they can't eat human food anymore since some doctor injected something into them. I don't even think they could be considered human now." The squad leader spoke, oblivious to how his words affected his right hand man.
Hanbee simply slouched over his desk, completely done with life itself. He was such a failure, such a burden to everyone around him...
"They think you think they're a monster because of it, I think." Juuzou added. "They're desperate to see you, you know. They just want closure." Yeah, okay, Suzuya's lying here, but it was for a good cause, no? So that'd make it okay, right?
That snapped Hanbee back to reality. His cowardice had yet again hurt you. Gosh, he was such a horrible person, wasn't he?
"Hey, Abara." Nakarai started. "Instead of wallowing in self-loathing how about you apologize to your partner instead? And if you don't I will personally beat you up because they are one of a kind and you don't wanna mess that up, trust me."
Hanbee took his colleague's threats to heart and quickly gathered his belongings before hurrying out of the room and rapidly making his way to the hospital before Keijin's words lost their effect on him.
Hanbee had entered your room with a determined expression which quickly faded after realising how far he had gone with just words as his fuel.
Your eyes locked with his for a few moments before he averted his gaze to the floor, bowing. "I'm sorry for coming unannounced." He apologized. "Maybe I should just g-"
"No!" You exclaimed before you could stop yourself. Hell, even that yell hurt your throat a bit too much. "Don't go..."
Your boyfriend's expression fell at how desperate you sounded. His squad was right, he was doing more harm than good by avoiding you... He was mentally beating himself up over it.
"Listen, we have some things we need to work out. Don't go." You said, completely serious.
'They just want closure.'
His boss' words echoed in his mind, sending fear barreling through his body. You wanted to break up with him, didn't you?
As scared as he was, he couldn't stop you if you wanted to stop things right here. You had the right to, after all. Maybe this way, you'd find someone who could actually protect you instead of staying with a waste of space like him.
Hanbee shuffled nervously, waiting for those heartbreaking words to come out of your mouth, trying not to break down in front of you yet again.
Seeing as he wasn't going to talk anytime soon, you decided to take the role. "Why are you avoiding me?" You asked.
Hanbee's heartbeat sped up. What should he say? The truth, and let you know he was a cowardly pessimist? Or think of something else? No, not that. You don't deserve to be lied to, and besides, Suzuya would certainly tell you the truth if you asked for it.
"I was scared you'd hate me." The tall man finally said, his voice slightly wavering as he spoke. "It's because of me you're like this. It's because I'm too scared that you've been through hell. You have every right to hate me, (Y/N) and I'll be okay if you tell me you want to look for someone better, because frankly, you deserve much more than just me-"
"Hanbee, you're rambling." You reminded, frown deepening. How could someone-- a life saver at that-- think so lowly of himself?
"I'm sorry." He bowed once again. "All this to say that if you want closure, that's what I'll give you. And I also want you to know that you're not a monster, no matter what people say about you now, no matter what you think, you're not a monster."
"Hanbee, what the hell has Juuzou been saying to you? I just wanted you to visit me. If anything, I thought you were the one who wanted to break up with me." You said in a worried voice as you watched the young man's face twist into confusion.
"What..?"
"I missed you. I'm not mad at you at all, hell, it's thanks to you and Mizurou that I'm still alive, in this state, yeah, but alive. I thought you were avoiding me because you were too scared to break up with me in person."
"What- why would I- I would never break up with you! I know you're far out of my league, but as long as you want me too, I would never dream of doing something like that!" He sputtered.
You smiled at his flustered antics. How you missed him... "I'm glad we got that worked out. But did Juuzou tell you about my problem?"
Hanbee nodded. "You know I'll still love you no matter what you eat, right?" He said, taking you off guard. Especially since he was not only a CCG investigator, but someone with a great sense of justice. "We'll find a solution to this, even if it has to be the same as investigator Sasaki." He assured.
"God, I love you." You sighed. How were you blessed with such an amazing man as your boyfriend? "Thank you so much for being there, Hanbee."
The man tensed up at your words. Not because it was the first time you said them, but just because of how genuine they sounded just then. Nakarai was right, you were indeed one of a kind, and he was eternally grateful to have someone like you in his life. He was so lucky he found you when he did.
"I love you too." He answered after a few moments of silence, reassuring you and your negative thinking.
You smiled once again, although this time, it looked a lot more like how you used to smile six months ago and Hanbee was reminded how much he had missed everything that had to do with you.
"I wonder where I'd be right now if it weren't for you." Hanbee mindlessly said, entranced by endearment as your smile grew wider.
"I could ask myself the very same question."
You were both flawed, you both were attracted to the negative side of things instead of the positive, and yes, some said that it wouldn't lead you to a positive life and you could officially agree with that, but when you put two negatives together, they make a positive in the end, no?