Leo 25
The bitter air bites against my skin. I don't mind the feeling. It reminds me I am real, and tangible, and living. My lungs rise, and fall, and even if I am alone, I don't feel empty. Hollow might describe it better. Not that there should be anything, but that there is absence.
My shoes hit the edge of the building as they dangle off the roof of the Homestead. When I first got here, I never would've done this. Even still, I can feel my heart pounding in my chest. If I lean forward, I would slip and fall. It scares me, but less than before. It's hard to see during the night since everything real and everything imaginary blends together.
I don't know why I'm feeling so weird now. We're alive, and no one is going to be banished. Perhaps I realised all my pain was for nothing. It must be that I recognize there is more to come. I will burn again. There will be no more flesh on this bone. No more shuffling along this mortal coil. The thought is frightening, but the thought is human.
I messed it up with Newt. Really, I shouldn't have kissed him. I screwed it up, and now I've lost him as a friend. Why must I always push away the people I love? First, Dawn, and now Newt.
The Med-jacks are no longer my friends. I know they did something to Ella, but Jeff won't tell me what, even though I've asked. His dark skin turned sheet white and he ran out of the room. Clint will provide no answers, as always. Not only did I fail Ella, who walks around like the phantom of a skeleton, but my colleagues have left me.
I failed Michelle too. Not just when I failed to save her banishment, but when I didn't stop the boys from locking her away again. When I told the boys there was another girl to banish for breaking the rule, I put her in danger. All to save Dawn.
Her story is no better. In loving Dawn, I have failed her. I burden myself and the other girls. All these feelings inside me make me liable. Maybe we could've treated Alby quicker if I had let her run into the Maze. If I had let her reveal her relationship, Ben would never have been able to attack her. Maybe he wouldn't even be dead right now, if I hadn't tried and failed to protect her.
So, I sit on the roof, in the cold, waiting for an answer to come to me. Maybe I'm supposed to slide just a little further along, until my legs hang vertically off the sides. The answer might come if I push myself just a little bit over.
I fail and fail and fail again. Am I the one keeping us asunder?
Some one steps behind me, and I spin around. The weight shifts me, and I feel myself sliding closer to the edge. My breath hitches in my throat. What am I doing? I could fall. I could seriously fall, and I think I might've let myself. Even still, I am so close to letting go. If I fell, would I die? Do I want to die? I know Nick did when he hit the ground, but he landed on his head. That would be a mess; do I want to be a mess? Even in death, will I continue to tax my friends?
Dawn is behind me, her hands raised carefully, as if she is standing in front of a beast that might attack her. Maybe she has always stood like this before me. Maybe she fears me.
My weight shifts, and I hear the roof panels creaking under me. My breathing increases, until it is climbing higher and higher in my throat. It is the only sound in the night air.
"Lee," Dawn begins the sentence, and retracts it, and begins again. "Lee, what are... where are... Leo, are you alright?"
I nod carefully, clinging to the edge with every muscle in my fingertips. My stomach growls and I wonder if she hears it. Does she feel my sorrow, since sometimes I feel like the Glade swims in my sadness? Most nights I sleep in my room alone. Most days I choose to not eat lunch if I can avoid it. Most mornings I struggle to peel myself out of bed. I do it though, because what other option do I have?
"We didn't see you at dinner," she begins, looking at me. "Newt wanted to know where you went."
Even though I shucked it up, he's still worried about me. I'm so pathetic; I managed to fall for people who could never love me back, and then who have to take time from their lives to worry about me. Why must I bother them?
"Fry won't notice if I steal food for you," she begins.
I shift closer to the edge. My knees float in the air, well in front of me. Is this what freedom is like? The ability to jump is not far from me. I can choose my own destiny. I could maybe stop it if I really, truly wanted.
I don't though. I think I just want to have the power to control it all. To decide I can start and stop the world as I see fit is the freedom I need. This moment is necessary.
Jumping, however, is something I could never do.
"I'm not hungry."
I hear her sit down behind me, but I don't see her. "Have you eaten today Leo?"
I don't bother answering, since I'm not good at lying. So, the silence speaks for us. It eats at all the thoughts that I have, and all the memories that I don't.
Dawn is up next to me, her feet sliding off the roof and into the air next to mine. While my knuckles turn white from the grip that I hold the roof, she is steady and still. Almost calm in the way she waits. Nothing ever seems to bother her. Shuck, she thought she could be banished today and she's doing fine. Even the Ben thing she has been quick to recover from. I ache and my brittle bones shatter and are blown away in the cold wind.
Then, I remember that she is human, just like me. She wouldn't speak when he attacked her. She threw up when the boys mentioned banishment. Dawn is tangible, and real.
"Do you want my shirt?" She seems to shiver at the gust as well but pulls the blue fabric off her shoulders. In just a tank top, her body seems paler than ever before. Draping over my shoulders, she continues speaking. "I don't know how you manage to sit up here for so long. It's cold,"
"How did you know I was up here?" I ask her, my voice cracking at the words.
She shrugs, leaning into me. Trying to rip the heat out of me, as if I have something to give her. There is nothing in me that is warm. Maybe this is what embarrassment is.
I kissed Newt after all, and he doesn't like girls. He looked so shocked, and so disgusted. Why did I have to ruin something else?
"Michelle saw you," Dawn tells me. "She was looking for you."
I chuckle, and Dawn flinches away at the sound. "Yeah, so who did she fight this time?"
Dawn goes silent. Her cheeks are either bright red from the wind-burn, or they are upset at my suggestion. I'm not wrong. My money is on Jackson since he is such a jerk all the time. I bet he was waiting for Gally to leave to pounce. No one needs me except to cover up bad things they did. And I can't even do that properly half the time.
I don't even know how to tell her that I'm not going to jump, because five minutes ago I wasn't entirely sure. Maybe that's how I know I wouldn't do it. Leaping off a building is the kind of thing you do when you are sure its what you want; nothing more nor less.
"It's getting colder," she seems to talk to herself. Her body twitches in the stale air.
I don't mind it. Right now, I can't see much of anything. The night is so dark that I can't see much past my shoes. From here, I can't even tell we are enclosed by the Walls. It's not the claustrophobia of this situation that bothers me. I dislike the everyday politics of this existence.
"We should go inside," she tells me, though neither of us make the move to stand up.
She is waiting for me to go first. I kind of just want to be alone here. It's really freeing. Like, I still feel like klunk, but a calmer klunk.
"We can start a fire," she just stares at me for a second, as my words trail off.
I'm up on my feet, moving away from her. She takes a second to follow me. Crossing the building, I find the spot I entered. Carefully, I dangle my feet off the edge. Blood pumps through my veins; it is much scarier getting down then climbing up. My feet hit the windowsill, and I slowly pull myself inside the Homestead.
I don't wait for her. Building. In seconds I am across the room, moving further away from the roof. I grab matches on my way out the front door. Dawn's footsteps follow behind me as I move to the Bricknick shed. I pick up a few logs, stacking them in my arms haphazardly while trying to hold the matches.
Dawn tries to reach to help me, but I flinch away at her hands.
I move back across the field. The logs land in the bonfire pit with a thud, though I doubt it was loud enough for anyone to stir. I head back to the shed, where Dawn still waits. She hands me the kindling that we keep ready, and I take it from her. It too joins the pile of logs down in the bonfire pit.
I light a match and throw it on to the kindling. The flame is quick to consume the small twigs and bits of paper but take longer to eat their way up on to the logs. Soon enough, the fire cracks and roars high above us, consuming all the oxygen in the vicinity. I manage to breathe despite the lack of air. I feel the smoke filling my lungs.
Dawn is next to me, fidgeting slightly. I know I'm being weird, but I can't explain why I need this. It's too odd, too painful, too deliberate not to mention.
"You feeling better?" She asks me carefully, waiting for an answer.
I shrug. I'm not better but I'm not any worse off than I started. I just see things from a new perspective. "Are you warmer?"
She nods carefully, turning her attention to the flames.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Ooh, I love this. Leo, what a bamf. Conquering her inner doubt. Staring out into the abyss. It's quality content.
What do you think happens next?
I'll see you soon, in Dawn and Illness.