Too much, too much is never enough
I had you and I gave you up
No idea where my mind was for months
I woke up, I cashed in all of my luck
Walked hand and hand with your trust
And everybody was kissing on fire
And we all got burnt
It'd be safer to hate her
Than to love her and to lose her
It'd be safer to hate her all around
Caught you having a laugh
Did you catch me have the last?
I've been smiling like this for days
Just to make up for my mistakes
In the dark, I watch everyone disappear
And I am beginning to let myself down
I am pushing everyone that was in, out
It'd be safer to hate her
Than to love her and to lose her
It'd be safer to hate her all around
And nobody knows what it's like
To live and die on the inside
Nobody knows what it's like
To be one of a kind
When we die, do we feel alive?
When we die, do we feel alive?
It'd be safer to hate her
Than to love her and to lose her
It'd be safer to hate her all around
Sharply I pulled the earphones from my ears causing pain to erupt in either side of my head.
I swore loudly as I did so, not caring who heard me or about the disapproving looks I was getting from an elderly couple that sat across from me on a park bench opposite.
I was still not 100% sure on how I had even gotten to the park but by the stains on my jeans and the bruises forming on my knuckles I almost was glad I had no memory of the previous night.
Memories were for suckers anyway, they just reminded you of all the shit things that had already happened in your life and all the bad things that you couldn't change.
Memories, in my opinion were there to torment you and ridicule you about your past something I was all too familiar with.
I felt like growling at the couple just to see their reaction, why did they get to be so happy and in love yet it seemed I was destined to be alone.
I realised I was acting like a complete douche but I no longer cared, emotions were for wimps and cowards. I was neither. I was Sam Heart, a name I found highly ironic considering my heart had been ripped out months ago by her…
Instead I stood up, carefully making sure I stood up to my full height to look more intimidating in case the old man tried something with that stick of his. I didn’t want to catch anything and I had no idea where that dirty thing had been.
Suddenly I was surrounded by darkness as my pure jet black hair fell over my face. Blocking out any light.
I flipped my head back as confidently as I could to get the hair from out of my eyes. I knew people were always staring at me. Whether they meant to or not, they all seemed to be hypnotized by the way I looked.
I paused, my step faltering for just a mili second, I hated the attention I got, I hated the way I looked and I hated myself. I knew deep down people didn’t look at me because I was insanely hot but thankfully it wasn’t because I was fat and ugly either…
I was just different.
I lived in a small, close knit town, where everyone knew everyone else’s business and where no secret or hidden past could stay hidden for long.
Although they were never spoken or actually enforced there were certain rules in my town.
Rules that were not made to ever be broken.
The girls all had to be beautiful, model like and walk and talk like proper ladies. The guys were born to be athletes, strong, handsome and charming.
My town was a vision of perfection, everyone was blue eyed and blond haired, had perfect manners and were either rich or famous. Everyone that is except for me…
My choppy black hair was as dark as the midnight sky and my vivid green eyes shone like emeralds against my pale almost ghostly face. My rough, chiseled jaw line was classed as unnatural compared to the baby faced boys around me. I was just as tall as the other guys in my village but my muscles were less defined and I couldn’t catch a ball to save my life.
My clothes certainly didn’t conform to society either. Rather than the loose baggy jeans and tight wife beaters my fellow male students chose to wear, my outfit consisted of black skinny jeans a plain black T-shirt and a slightly worn but much loved leather jacket.
The jacket meant more to me than anything else I owned, it was the one and only thing I had of my dad’s everything else had been lost in the fire, including my dad himself.
I chocked back a sob.
Boys don’t cry.
I reminded myself of this and continued walking my feet pounding heavily on the ground.
Ever since my dad had died in that stupid fire I had shut down my emotions completely. Crying would do nothing except give me a fucking awful headache the next day and it certainly wouldn’t bring my dad back to life.
The frown that had been forming on my face immediately darkened as I reached the last house on Cherry blossom Avenue.
Even the street names were ridiculously happy and sweet. Personally it made me feel sick. Then again maybe that was the fact I hadn’t eaten for the last 2 days. Eating was another thing I found completely pointless nowadays, if Jesus or whoever it was could survive without food and water for 40 days so could I.
It just wasted time anyway.
I walked up the beautifully laid path deliberately kicking as many plants as I could as I went. I hated this house so I figured as I might as well hate the garden too, why should we pretend that everything in life is beautiful when it’s bloody obvious it’s not.
“Sam, is that you?” A high pitched women’s voice cried out. Her pitch was so high I felt as if my eardrums had burst.
“No its a burglar.” I answered the sarcasm dripping from my tongue like sweet, sticky honey. I abruptly shut her up as I stormed past her and upstairs into my room.
Truthfully I did feel a bit guilty afterwards but I wasn’t in the mood for one of her heart to hearts today.
The again, I sighed, was I ever.
As soon as I sank down onto my bed heavy hands began pounding at my door.
I ignored them and reached over to plug my I-pod in, I couldn’t deal with any of this right now.
I sat back and let the screaming rage of Bring Me The Horizon fill me ears, whenever I needed to escape reality it seemed that Ollie Sykes was always there for me.
The beating began to become more rapid and a loud and furious male voice could be heard through my door.
I smiled knowing how pissed he was getting at me and began to enjoy taunting him after all this man made my life hell why should I care what he has to say.
Suddenly the door flung open with such force behind it that I sat up almost instantly in shock and felt a sinking feeling begin to form in my stomach and heart.
There he stood his eyes like tiny slits in his head as he narrowed them at me in pure anger, his face was flushed red and he had sweat dripping from his temples.
Slowly I removed the earphones from my ears making sure to be more careful this time.
I gazed up at the monster in my room and awaited his wrath…
“You little bastard, how dare you speak to your mother like that!!!!!!!” He bellowed in my face, causing spit to fly out and hit my cheek.
I stood up my hands trembling slightly, “She,” I pointed to the women who stood in the door way, “Is not my mother!” I shouted back at him.
Anger had made my voice sound uneven, but fear had made it sound weak.
Truthfully although Anna was no evil stepmother I hated her pathetic whining, and constant attempts to make me feel better or cope with my supposed "issues." She had no idea what I was going through, no one did so why did everyone try to make it their job to understand me.
I wished they would all just fuck off and leave me alone sadly that wasn't going to ever happen, not on Johns watch anyway.
Instantly pain filled my body as I clutched my stinging left cheek and I reeled back from his hard slap.
“Don’t you dare say that, we have looked after you like our own and this is how you repay us? Where were you last night?!?!” He screamed at me taking another step closer.
I remained silent., athough his foul breath was now, making me want to gag desperately.
He didn't need to know that I had been asking myelf that question also all morning since I had woken up on the park bench.
Some things were better left unsaid.
“How did it feel killing your own father mmm, you have ruined so many lives, but you are not ruining this one!!!!?” His voice was soft as he said the first part but rose to such loudness I felt myself shrinking back in fear.
That was one of them...
I felt physically sick. I closed eyes, I did not kill him, I did not kill him I began chanting this over and over in my head.
But no amount of chanting could change things I knew deep down it was my fault, I hadn’t actually started the fire but it had been my fault he died.
I had decided to stay out late at some stupid party, I couldn’t ever remember whose it was now, but like usual I had gotten pissed quite early on in the evening I was as high as kite when people started to leave. I remember my dad calling at one point in the evening, shouting down the phone about how angry and disappointed in me he was that I had done drugs again, but I didn’t care, I told him to fuck off and refused to come home that night.
The next day I came home to find my house had been completely burnt down to the ground.
Apparently the cause of the fire had been a cigarette that wasn’t burnt out properly. I remember the twisting in my guts as I heard that.
Honestly I knew I had always been a problem child, always out drinking or fighting and coming home late in the night. But my dad was so much cooler than most he was the only person who understood me and I always figured he would one just get over this like he did every other time.
Sadly that was definitely not the case.
To everyone else I was that freaky bad arse emo boy but to my dad I was someone special and I loved him so much for always being there for me no matter what I did.
It wasn’t until I started doing marijuana and coke that my dad finally had enough. After three relapses and a week in rehab I was officially clean and to help me stay that way my dad had promised to stop smoking a habit he had since he was 12.
Not an easy task when I was your son and smoking had become your biggest comfort.
It was then as I stared at the burnt ashes and remains of my home that I knew it was my fault. If I hadn’t taken that stupid joint from Josh, if I had just stopped to see how much my bad behaviour was affecting him, how much it was bringing him down then maybe I could have saved him.
Instead I pushed him to relapse, I pushed him to the brink of exhaustion and finally I pushed him to his death.
As I started up into the raging face of John the man who was now officially my “guardian”, I felt like laughing. The name guardian conjures up images of guardian angels and happy ever afters but this was a living nightmare.
But I also realised something as John drove his fist repeatedly into my face and body, I realised there was not one but two monsters in the room and sadly I was one of them.
And although John beat the shit out of me regularly and constantly tormented me at least he hadn't killed a man.
That was something I had to live with every day.
Closing my eyes I waited for the darkness to take over my body, for the pain to stop and for sleep to come.
It was only then as the last punch made my body explode with so much pain and the darkness finally washed over me cloaking in a thin veil of protection from everything that was happening in my pathetic life, that I knew no matter how much I loved her, I had to protect her from this, from who I really was and deep down I knew it would always be safer to hate her…
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Hey everyone :)
So guys this is my new story called "Safer to hate her..." its really very different from what I usually write, not all about cool chicks and about hot jerks this one sorry :)
But if you like ones about very hot, slightly tormented emo boys searching for love then this one is for you ;)
It will get better I promise so please stick with it I just really wanted to try a different genre of writing and its gonna by in a guys POV so that will be interesting :)
Also there will be more swearing in this book than normal sorry, I dont want to offend anyone but thats just the kind of charater Sam is so hope you guys can deal with that and just enjoy the writing :)
Any way feed back will be really important in this book as its my first attempt at something like this, hope you all like it and I will try to update soon !!!
P.s what kinda genre do you think this belongs in ???
Love you all xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx