Chapter Forty Four
Harry leant against the wall of the stairs leading up to Sarah's attic bedroom. He'd spent the last half hour discussing things further with Lily and Sirius; if he was actually going to leave this place he had to make sure they knew exactly what had happened with Voldemort - just how he'd been able to cancel out the killing curse, the Parseltongue, the connection of the wands and how he knew about the Philosopher's Stone. And most importantly, that Voldemort would probably try and come back. He'd told them all about Quirrell, Tom Riddle and especially what had happened in the graveyard this summer. He knew enough about Voldemort to realise that death wasn't going to stop him for long.
And now he found himself here on these stairs. Lily had apologised for being angry, but Harry could tell she was still desperately worried about getting her own Harry back in one piece. Sirius said he was convinced that as Harry had forced his doppelganger out when he'd entered their reality, as soon as he left the other Harry would be sucked back into his rightful body. The body Harry had scarred. Harry just hoped that would be the least of his troubles.
So now he was trying to get enough courage together to apologise to his father, and somehow say goodbye. Forever. But James and Remus knew nothing, and Sarah knew a little but not nearly the full extent. He was going to have to choose his words very carefully, but he was so wrought with emotion he doubted he'd be able to get a single coherent sentence out.
He knew time was precious, so he finally quit stalling and knocked on the door. "Come in," came James' voice. Harry pushed open the door, and was met with a scene of devastation. Sarah really had gone a rampage, all her books were on the floor, posters were ripped, clothes hanging from anything with an edge. The only thing that looked untouched was Barney the tortoise's tank, although Barney himself was cowering somewhat in his shell.
James was sat on the bed with Sarah, who was clutching an enormous teddy bear and sucking her thumb whilst staring straight ahead. The teddy was missing an eye, and Sarah herself had feathers stuck at all angles in her tangled hair. She was wearing a pair of pyjamas with a unicorn on the front wearing sunglasses. Remus was sat back in an armchair that Harry thought he must have conjured into existence as he didn't remember it being there yesterday. Everyone looked shattered.
And much to Harry's surprised, they all looked pleased to see him. James broke into a relived smile and patted the bed. "Hey mate," he said affectionately, sweeping several dolls missing various limbs off the duvet. "Come and join us." Harry was a little nervous, but he sat anyway. Sarah let go of the bear and scrambled over to him, flinging her arms around his waist and laying her head in his lap.
"She's told us the whole story," said James, stroking his daughter's back. She didn't respond, just kept staring straight ahead. Harry looked down at her. Even he didn't know the full story - what had happened to her before Harry had arrived? He knew she'd been hurt, he'd seen Wormtail doing it, and he suddenly regretted not inflicting more pain on the traitorous git than he had. He hoped he got locked up, for a long time. And if anyone deserved the Dementor's kiss it was him, not Sirius.
Harry pulled his thoughts from the darkness that was swirling around them. Revenge was not what he wanted, he wanted justice, which would come later. Right now he wanted to say goodbye, thank you, and all the other million things that were flying around his brain.
"I'm sorry I shouted at you," he managed first. "I was upset-"
"No, I'm sorry," interrupted James, throwing him off guard. "I shouldn't have accused Mal-" he stopped himself. "Draco like that. Your friend Hermione explained everything to us while he was going to fetch you. Is he here now?"
Harry shook his head. "He went home, I don't think he's been there in a very long time."
"Hmm," said James, stroking Sarah's hair absentmindedly. "I should probably apologise to him as well."
Harry gave a small nod. "I'm still sorry though," he pressed on, trying to remember the list of things he'd made mentally that he wanted to get across. He was never going to get the chance to talk to his dad again, but the more he thought about it the more his throat clamped. "I lied to you, about going to Terry's, and then I shouted. I didn't mean to do any of that, it's just been really hard..." He trailed off, his hand tracing patterns in the bedspread. "I just wanted you to know that."
"Of course I know that," said James. "I don't care about any of that, I care that you're both back here with us. I've never felt so helpless in my entire life, knowing you were all by yourselves. But you've both been incredibly brave, and now everything's okay."
Harry couldn't look at him. Everything was not okay. Everything was decidedly unfair. Why couldn't his parents be alive? Why couldn't there be a world where they stopped Wormtail before he had a chance to betray them?
As he thought this Harry realised with a jolt there probably was. Somewhere in another universe, there was a Harry Potter that got the life he deserved, the family he had always dreamed of. But that wasn't his life, and the more he tormented himself, the harder it was going to be.
"I love you," he said thickly. "Please remember that." He didn't look at him directly, but Harry could see concern cross James' face.
"I love you too," he said slowly.
Harry stood up, unravelling himself from a surprised looking Sarah. He grabbed her hand. "And you," he said, physical panic gripping him now. He didn't if know if he could do this. "I have to go now."
"Harry," said Remus carefully, standing from his chair. "What's going on?"
"Goodbye," he whispered, and with that he was out the door, down past his own bedroom and onto the lower flight of stairs.
"Harry?" came James' voice, but Harry didn't pause in his step. He was back in the kitchen, being handed the letter by Sirius.
"Goodbye," he told him, as Harry pulled his wand out with a trembling hand. "Good luck."
Lily pulled him into a hug. "We'll never forget you," she said. "What you've done for us."
"Me either," said Harry, pulling back, knowing he only had moments before James and Remus followed him, and he couldn't take seeing them again. "You'll explain wont you," he said. "To them, and Parvati, Hermione." He prepared to fire the spell. "And Draco, make sure Draco knows everything too." They nodded, and before Harry could change his mind, he whispered "I love you," then took aim at the parchment.
The room exploded with light and thunder roared above him. Sirius and Lily jumped back, hands over their ears, as the others reached the kitchen doorway. Harry lurched forward, a distinct feeling of watching himself do so as he hurtled through the barrier, back to his own world.
And then, once more, everything was black.