Talia
I laid flat on my stomach as I watched the storm clouds approach the hills. I had seen this view my entire life but today it looked different, it felt different. I had the black pack of cigarettes tucked tightly away in my back pocket as I lit, smoked, and repeated until there was only four left. My nose and throat burned more and more with each inhale but it was nice to feel a real pain.
There were so many shades of green and blues that I'd never paid much attention to until today. A few hours ago I tried counting them but quickly lost track. Or I would think of Mikaela the first time she saw them at my parents anniversary party. She didn't overlook the beauty that was right in front of her. I wondered why she thought of the hills so highly but kept my mouth shut out of spite and pity. I would do anything to ask more questions, to study her thoughts like a textbook or to even just hear her voice right now.
I shot my thoughts of her away as the breeze set in. I wondered if somehow it was my Nona getting my attention, trying to cleanse my mind of my sinful thoughts. If she'd been flying around the hills since I ran away here just watching and judging me. Even with the heaviness of losing her and the pain that filled my chest, I know she's in heaven trying to cook up a plan to fix me.
The cigarettes ashes fell to the grass as the sun started to set. I thought about going home now, but then I would find out if Mikaela ever showed up or not. If she did she would probably still be hanging out with Jessie, and if she didn't Jessie would be sure to tell me she didn't make it. Both would break what's left of my heart even more.
The sun was low now and there was a soft drizzle of rain now, I have no choice but to head back to the house. I tossed the cigarette butt to the ground, stomping on the heat with my shoe. The backyard was empty as I got closer to the house. I cling onto the cigarette pack tighter the closer I got. I'm sure I ruined the last few that were in there.
When I had a better view of the house I noticed flashing red and blue lights out front. I couldn't tell if it was the police or ambulance but my heart fell at the sight of them. I picked up the pace half jogging through the middle gates to get to the front of the house. There were two police cars lined up out front.
"What's going on?" I asked approaching a younger officer who was leaning on the engine of the car. His phone was out with a smirk on his face.
"Missing child case, from what it looks like that is. I don't know much," the neighborhood was filled with children but no one goes missing like they do in the inner city.
"Oh my God," I gasped trying to think of children nearby. "Where do they live at?" I asked fighting for his attention again, realizing they couldn't give me the information I was asking for.
"They live here," he looked up at the house, tucking the phone into his pocket. I thought maybe he had the wrong house since he is clearly poor at his job.
"There aren't any kids that live here though," I laughed confused as he shot a disapproving look my way.
"The report says a Natali-" he pointed at a notebook that resembles a doodle pad as I cut him off.
"You have got to be kidding me," I couldn't tell if I was angry or amused as I bursted into the house.
Three more officers stood in the middle of the foyer with my parents as their faces struck red at the sight of me.
"Oh my God, where have you been?" My mom cried running over to me. I could hear my dad trying to explain that I am who they were looking for as they started to back away exiting one by one.
"Doesn't it have to be 48 hours before you file a missing person report?" I asked the last officer as he walked out the front door.
My moms arms were still thrown around me as the officer mumbled "yes". I pulled away from her embrace rolling my eyes. The clock struck exactly six and I left the house a little after noon.
"I was literally gone for six hours. SIX. Isn't there something else more important you can be spending your time on?" I asked as he huffed walking away. "C'mon, that has white privilege written all over it," I mumbled realizing I sounded just like one of Mikaelas rants.
"Your sister and Harry are out looking for you. Where have you been?" my dad asked kissing my forehead. "God, you smell like smoke. Have you been smoking?" He grew angry.
"I was literally in the backyard. Like all day, and yes," I answered inching away from my parents towards the steps.
"But you don't smoke?" My mother chimed in and I could hear the disappointment in her voice.
"I do now," I didn't turn around to look at them as I headed upstairs. I just wanted to pack everything and get the hell out of this city. I dropped the damn near empty pack of cigarettes on the the stairs and watched it tumble down landing at my mothers feet. Her eyes stared at me like something had changed before I realized that something was me.
My room looked the way I had left it this afternoon. Clothes flown everywhere, books and pictures laid out on my bed. I walked over to the bed, throwing everything that was on it in a pile on the floor before tucking myself beneath the covers.
"Hey," I looked up as my mothers head poked through my bedroom door.
"Hey," I replied sitting up on my elbows. She walked in closing the door behind her as she tossed my phone on the bed with an innocent smile.
"So, what happened today? It's not like you to leave like that. Even when you're across the country I still know where you are," her voice was soft as she pointed to my phone. It was the only rule that my parents gave me when I moved to New York, keep your location on at all times/have your phone on you at all times. I knew it was for safety measures so I always obeyed that rule.
"I don't know," I shrugged. "I just needed some time I guess," I laid back down staring at the ceiling.
"So," she sighed deeply as she crossed her fingers in her lap. "We may have over reacted a little and I'm sorry for that. I tried to convinced your dad that you'd be back but he insisted on calling the poultice," she started. "You have to think he just lost his mom, and he was so worked up that I got worked up," she was talking with her hands, I smiled at what we have in common. Mikaela would always laugh at me for it.
"Jessie found your phone and the officers needed an updated picture. While I know we have tons of pictures of you, and in my opinion you haven't changed a thing since you were 10," she laughed but I could tell she was trying to avoid getting to her point. I sat and listened anyway. "Your dad insisted we used one from your phone, so I unlocked it, looking for one but all of these pictures," my fists locked under the covers and my chest tightened. "There were so many of you and of her-" her voice was still surprisingly calm, but I wasn't.
"I love her," I blurted out. "I like girls, mom," I was looking straight at the ceiling but my eyes were filled with tears just waiting to fall. "I'm sorry, but I can't help it. I love her, I love Harry too. But I think the more I know her the tighter I hold onto Harry, for you," I cried. "I don't love him for me anymore. I love him to protect you and daddy and Nona from the truth. But I don't want that for me, and I'm sorry I couldn't be that for you," my words streamed out as if I had rehearsed them time and time again. But I hadn't. Every time I thought about this moment I wouldn't get far.
We sat in silence for a while as we both stared into the space in front of us, not between. I was ready to live on my own and book my own flight back to my apartment. I was finally ready to take care of myself. I was ready to love me enough for myself and my mother if that's what I had to be free. To be myself.
"Okay," her voice was low but didn't sound sad or confused at all. I sat up to look at her and there wasn't even a tear in her eye. "I just want you to know that I love you and for some reason I've never felt closer to you than I do now," her voice started to shake and I knew the tears would follow soon. "I won't say I'm not surprised, or in shock because believe me I am," she laughed nervously. "I just can't imagine a life where I as your mother, and as your friend can be okay with you depriving yourself happiness at the stake of my own. And I'm sorry if I've ever done anything to make you feel like that's what I would want or expect from you," I looked up at her as a single tear fell from her eyes.
"Don't cry," I cried along with her. I sat up and climbed over to her. "I love you mom," I wrapped my arms around her as she cried into my shoulder.
"I love you more, always. Just remember that no matter what," she wiped her eyes as we pulled apart. She took a few breathes while pushing the hair out of my face. "I know your dad may react differently. You know God is his life," she sighed. "I don't want you to hide yourself or feel like you have to wait," she paused resting her hands in her lap. "I just think with everything going on with Nona it may be best to just wait until some of this blows over," I wasn't hurt by her words and understood perfectly.
"I can't believe that just happened," I was still crying with a smile on my face. "In my head it's all so different. So many other politics," I took a deep breath. "Money, God, right and wrong, black and white. But it wasn't and I'm sorry I didn't expect this right here," I clung onto my mom the way I had done often as a kid.
"I will say, I don't know how I feel about losing a son," she pulled away wiping my eyes. I knew it was a joke, something to soften the mood, but I didn't know how to feel about losing Harry either.
"H is everyone's son, he always will be. You think your worried about losing him," I lifted her hand to my chest to feel my heart race. "I don't know what I'm going to do," I let her hand fall.
"I don't know, baby. But you'll figure it out," her smile warmed my heart and put my demons to sleep. This, this is what freedom felt like. "I'm going to have a drink with your dad," she stood smoothing her skirt and wiping the semi dried tears from her cheeks. "I will see you in the morning. I love you Natalia Rose," she walked away before I could respond but I've never loved her more than I do right now.
The rain was tapping on my windowpane as I struggled to fall asleep. I had spent the last hour cleaning the mess I had accumulated the last few days, going through pictures and reading old notes that my friends and I would pass throughout school. Everything felt so distant, like a memory. The more I read the more I could see my true self. Somewhere written between the lines I've known who I was. How'd everything get so fucked up? So suppressed that it took a cloudy club and the queen of New York to make me see it?
I wondered what she was doing, where she was at. Who she was with. I wondered about her mom and their smiles and humor together. I wondered if she was staring at the same rain as me or across the country. But most importantly I wondered if wherever she was, if she was thinking of me.
I thought about texting her but my phone has too much going on to even think about touching it. It's been almost ten hours worth of notifications and I didn't want to search through them all, but I also didn't want to spend the last few hours of this fucked up day alone.
I reached for my phone anyway, I didn't attempt to scroll down my lock screen. Just simply pressed my thumb against the home button ignoring everything else. When my phone opened it was in my photos. This must've been what my mom was talking about. There was s picture of me looking so deeply at Mikaela that even I couldn't convince myself I didn't love her. Her eyes were locked on mine as her hair fell in her face, her smile was so bright I wanted to reach out and touch it. But it wasn't real, just a moment frozen in my phone screen.
<need to see you. send your location> was all I sent when I finally reached my messages.
<Jessie?? Did you guys find hr> she responded too quickly and I already knew she was wasted.
<it's me. your location Mik??> I sent back tossing my phone onto the bed. I threw on a black pair of leggings, a tee shirt, my yellow raincoat and rain boots. That's the best part about being home, having your full wardrobe.
I grabbed my phone calling for a car. I didn't know where I was going yet but I knew it'd be on campus somewhere. I have her post notifications on and from the looks of it she's defiantly in L.A still. There was a picture of her in her apartment with a few faces I've never met. The last post on her story was oh her and Amandla. I grew furious as I kept replaying it.
<Mik please?> I sent again as I waited in the foyer for the car service to make it through the gates. Sometimes when it's dark like this security makes it harder for people to get in.
She sent her location quickly with <hurry> attached to it. I wondered if she was okay as headlights made their way to the house.
"Here's the address," I handed my phone to the driver as I buckled up. He studied it for a minute before handing my phone back to me.
"Got it," he nodded pulling off into the night.
<stay where you are. i'm on my way> I sent back urgently. What was going on?