School. The one place Janis dreaded more than anything. The days blended together. She never paid attention in her classes, she'd never need to know half the stuff anyway. But then came the time that she hated the most: lunchtime. Also known as one big free-for-all. No teachers to watch over them, no safety net. She was like a wounded gazelle in a pack of lions. Cady told her that metaphor one day, and she'd adopted it because it was scarily accurate. But the gazelle never had to face Regina George.
Regina was worse than a lion in Janis' eyes. The pain she'd suffered from Regina felt worse than being viciously dismembered. At least with the gazelle, they could suffer intense pain in a few minutes and then it would all be over. With Janis, the trauma had lingered since 7th grade. Since Regina's all-girl pool party. Every day became a struggle to stay alive in her habitat. Four whole years of wearing a big, red bullseye on her chest. Four whole years of being called the space dyke with 4 butts. Four whole years of therapy, of okay days and bad days and really bad days. Janis hated Regina with every bone in her body.
She walked into the cafeteria hesitantly that day, walking as quickly as she could past the Plastics table towards where Damian and Cady were sitting. She'd brought her sketchbook and a tray of several tiny cups of paint, intending to work on her art project during lunch. She balanced them effortlessly on her arm, so used to holding onto them for dear life over the years. Janis made it to the very edge of the table when the all-too-familiar iciness of Regina's voice rang in her ears.
"Where do you think you're going, lesbo? Why in such a rush? Afraid you're going to smooch on me or something?" Regina stood up menacingly, walking slowly around the table to be face to face with Janis. Janis was tall, 5'9" to be exact, but Regina's 4 inch heels gave her exactly the right amount of leverage to look down with disgust at her ex-best friend. "Janis, I can't help it if you're in love with me. But seriously, you need to let it go." Gretchen and Karen giggled behind her.
As Regina spoke, an eerie hush fell amongst the rest of the cafeteria. Janis could see everyone's heads turned towards her and Regina, waiting anxiously for something good to happen. And by good, obviously, they meant humiliating. She could see Cady holding Damian back, the fire in his eyes growing. She knew she looked desperate for help, but it was inevitable. There was nothing he could do or say that wouldn't make it worse for her. She looked at Cady, thankful for her presence. Her fearful gaze softened slightly as she stared at Cady's features.
Her soft cheeks, a faint rosiness spreading across them. Her hair, that gorgeous auburn hair that flows down her shoulders so naturally and smoothly, without her even trying. And her eyes...God, those eyes. Bluer than the oceans, almost glimmering in the fluorescent light. Now they were filled with sympathy, wishing they could do something other than just look at Janis, who was frozen in the middle of the cafeteria.
Within seconds, Regina's wicked cadence broke Janis' trance. "Aw, Janis, you didn't tell me you had a girlfriend!" Regina raised her voice to be crisp and babyish, clearly intent on mocking her.
"She's not..." Janis' words cut out on her. They did that far too often.
It was then that Regina noticed Janis' supplies tucked under her arm. "Were you going to paint some dyke-y picture of her that you can frame by your bed and make out with when you go to sleep? God, you're pathetic."
Janis was suddenly shoved to the ground from behind. The sketchbook and paints along with her lunch tray flew out of her arms. Her ankle cracked hard underneath her as she fell on it. It immediately started going numb.
Numbness. She despised numbness. You feel nothing, and yet, you feel everything. It hurts so bad that it doesn't hurt at all. Did she even have a foot anymore? She could see it there, still attached to her body. But it felt like there was nothing but empty space. Salty tears began forming at the corners of her eyes. She shut them tightly, knowing full well that Regina would mock her further if she saw them fall.
However, Janis was absolutely horrible at hiding her feelings, no matter how many acting lessons Damian gave her. Regina saw immediately. "Janis, don't be a crybaby. Here," Regina hissed, picking up the tray of paints, flipping the cups open and shut cruelly. "Let me help you." Regina flipped the tray over faster than Janis could get away.
Various colors of paint dripped down Janis' hair and onto her clothes. "Ever since you got that fugly lesbian dye job I've been wanting to give you a makeover. Thank me later." The paint started dripping down Janis' forehead, creeping towards her eyes. She wiped the paint off, only managing to smear it deeper into her skin.
Regina, Karen, and Gretchen, as well as the rest of the cafeteria (except for Cady and Damian) burst into laughter, cackling and heckling. "Oh, and Janis," Regina said coldly between laughs, "Before you even think about going into the bathroom to wash that off, just know that I have someone standing guard out there with strict orders to keep you away."
Regina raised her voice, cruelly broadcasting the message to the whole cafeteria. "You'll give all the girls some deadly alien STDs." Regina feigned gasping as all the girls broke into chattery whispers. "Yeah. Deadly." She emphasized the word to strike nonsensical paranoia into the hearts of her followers.
Janis continued wiping the cold paint away from her face. It smeared on the backs of her hands and on her cheeks as she tried to hinder her tears.
Meanwhile, her foot had regained enough feeling that she felt like she could walk on it. She picked up her sketchbook and staggered to her feet, wobbling a little as she put weight on the "bad" foot. She half stormed, half wobbled out of the cafeteria, not even bothering to look back at Damian and Cady. She didn't want to see the heartbreak in their eyes. The whole cafeteria pointed and laughed behind her, the Plastics laughing the hardest. She could hear the faint chants of "space dyke" that she had become so accustomed to. She stifled a sob as she pushed the doors open, slamming them hard behind her.
If she couldn't go to the bathroom, she'd go to the art room. The art room not only had sinks, but it provided her with an aura of inexplicable comfort. It was her happy place, the one place that Regina and the other Plastics wouldn't dare go in fear of being seen as "art freaks".
As she walked more, a little more feeling came back to her foot. But not good feeling. She felt like her ankle was being twisted into a pretzel. Her knees hurt, too. She could already see the bruises forming as she looked down.
Janis could hear voices yelling her name at the opposite end of the hall. Damian and Cady. The only people who cared. She was used to hearing Damian's pained yelling. But Cady's was something different. More innocent, pure, elegant. It made her feel a thousand times worse. Turning the corner, she continued to ignore them, sobbing harder as soon as she couldn't see them anymore. Or, at least, their legs, refusing to look them in the eyes. She couldn't deal with people seeing her pain. Not even her true friends. She'd rather suffer alone.
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"Come on, Caddy, I know exactly where she's going!" Damian was practically sprinting down the hall after Janis, in hot pursuit towards the art room. Cady was struggling to keep up. She was wearing 3 inch heels after all. She took deep, panting breaths, stopping whenever she could until Damian looked behind him, grabbing Cady's hand tightly and almost pulling her. They turned the corner sharply, causing Cady to slip a little.
"You okay, hon?" Damian asked, briefly stopping. "Yeah," Cady sighed. "Yeah," she said again, more crestfallen this time. She hated when Janis was the target of Regina's cruelty. It broke her just as much as it broke Damian. "Come on, Caddy, we're almost there, I promise." he said through heavy breaths. Damian continued pulling Cady's arm so hard that Cady thought he'd pull it clean off.
Meanwhile, Janis had been feverishly washing her head in the art room, bending it awkwardly under the curved faucet. Through her blurred vision, she could see the agonizing rainbow of colors trickle down the drain. It was horribly beautiful.
She looked in the mirror above the sink. She looked atrocious. Her face and her eyes were bright red. Streaks of tears ran through splotches of dried paint on her face. Her jacket was still covered in dried paint, and she could see bits of crusty color that had seeped through the many thick layers of her hair. She had no idea how on earth she'd get that all out.
The whole time she'd been rubbing water on her head, she'd been sobbing. Sobbing more than she ever had before. She felt vulnerable, another feeling she hated. Hiding her long list of problems from her family had become routine. She despised sympathy, though she longed for comfort. At least she was alone now, she thought. She could let everything out.
And then came the click of the door handle. She knew exactly who it was and what they wanted, and it was exactly what she didn't want. In a panic, Janis locked herself in the storage closet. But Damian had already burst in the door just as Janis shut herself in. He pulled Cady over to the door, trying to knock calmly.
"Damian, you're hurting my arm," Cady whispered, so Janis wouldn't hear. Janis whined in the closet, trying her hardest not to sob too loud. "Caddy, honey, let me take care of her. She gets like this sometimes, it's a little overwhelming if it's your first time." Cady retreated to the other side of the room silently, scared for Janis but trying to hide it as best she could.
"Jan, honey. It's Damian." Damian and Cady immediately heard a loud bang on the other side of the closet door. Janis had used her good foot to kick it as hard as she could manage, signaling her desire to be alone. Cady jumped a little, startled by the noise. The door rattled for a second before settling.
"Hey, hey. You're okay, Jan. Aw, I know, don't worry, we'll get the paint out somehow. It'll be okay. You're alright." Another kick at the door. Another jump from Cady. It hurt Janis' good foot to kick the door, but she didn't need Damian right now. He just wasn't helping. He couldn't understand.
"Janis, please. Open the door, it's just me and Caddy. No one else. I'm sorry this had to happen. You're okay. It's all gonna be okay." A third kick, this one harder than the first two, accompanied by a loud sob. The door shook vigorously at the force of Janis' foot.
"Okay...you don't want me. Fine. Fine, yeah, reject your best friend." Damian knew he shouldn't have said that as soon as the words came out.
Janis felt significantly worse now, kicking the door frantically and repeatedly. She just wanted him to leave, but she couldn't explain why. "See, sometimes she just..." Damian sighs. "It's hard to deal with her sometimes. She goes through these moods and it's complicated."
"Can...I try to talk to her?" Cady asked hesitantly. Damian scoffed at the idea. "Hon, you can try, but if I can't get anywhere, I don't know..." Before he could finish, Cady had already knelt beside the closet. "Janis, hey. It's Cady." Cady's voice quivered a little, bracing for a reaction. But there was none. Damian looked shocked as he stepped back to where Cady had been sitting before.
At the sound of Cady's voice, Janis froze. That buttery lilt of her tone combined with the noticeable quiver of fear melted her inside.
Cady softened her voice, imitating how her mom would speak to her and the young children in Africa whenever they had been picked on. "Hey, Jan, listen. I'm sorry. I should've done something. I care about you, really. That stuff she said about me being your girlfriend...I don't know. It made me feel something. I'm bi, you know that, and it just...I...um, never mind. I'm supposed to be making you feel better."
Cady choked on her words. "You're alright, I promise, you know it's not true. I love you, okay? I do, a lot, and I just want you to be okay."
Janis stopped crying as she listened to Cady. Something about Cady struck her in a way Damian has never made her feel before. She couldn't explain it. It was weird. Strange. New. And she abhorred it.
Item number 3 on the list of feelings Janis hates: the feeling of newness. Change in general scared her. She didn't know what she wanted. She had no experience with this. She desperately wanted to know what she was feeling and how to deal with it.
Janis reached up and unlocked the door quietly, opening it just enough so Cady could fit in. She pulled Cady in before shutting it and locking it behind her. "Janis, what are you-?"
Janis went off on a panic-filled tangent, running her words together and nearly hyperventilating. "I don't know anymore. I don't know anything. I can't process anything. It's all new and insane and overwhelming. It's all happening too fast and I just can't-"
And that's when Cady brought their lips together. The auburn's lips were warm and soothing against the brunette-rooted girl's, which were cold and trembling with anxiety. Neither wanted to pull away. Cady felt restored, calmed and happy, while Janis was far too shaken to move. But, at the same time, Janis loved every second of it. If this was a cheesy rom-com, Janis would say that all her pain melted away on the spot. But underneath the whirlwind of emotions was still Janis Sarkisian, and she wouldn't lie to herself like that. The pain was still very present, only dulling slightly as the kiss lingered. The rush of endorphins she felt was absolutely breathtaking, which distracted her slightly. Her heart never wanted it to end.
But her wits did, forcing her to pull away sharply. This felt wrong. She wasn't a lesbian, was she? She didn't know. The kiss had made her even more confused. "Cady, I..." Janis sighed deeply, burying her head in her knees. "I'm sorry, I just don't know. I'm so confused, I'm a mess," Janis murmured.
"But you're my mess." Cady pulled her shaking friend towards her, lifting Janis' head and placing it on her shoulder. Flakes of paint fell off onto Cady's shirt, but she didn't bother brushing them off. Janis sniffled, wiping her nose on her sleeve. Cady reached up onto a shelf, grabbed a tissue box, pulled a tissue out, and handed it to Janis. Janis blew into it roughly, feeling something shaking on her back when she did. She tried and failed to reach it, causing Cady to pull it off for her.
It was a piece of paper taped to her back, reading "space dyke" in big, bold letters. "Oh, Jan..."
Janis said nothing at first, yanking the paper out of Cady's hands, so hard and so swift that her fingers started to tingle. A few tears stained the paper as Janis crumpled it into a ball and started ripping it up angrily.
"I...can't...take...this...shit...any...more," she grunted, each syllable spoken as she ripped up a piece. She threw the pieces onto the floor and kicked the door again in frustration. This time, she yelped loudly. Wrong foot.
She buried her head in Cady's shoulder, clinging onto her for comfort as she moaned. "Cady, it hurts!" Damian picked his head up immediately from outside the closet. "Hey, is everything okay in there?"
"Yeah, fine, she's just a little hurt," Cady yelled, trying to speak over Janis' pained wailing. Damian walked over to the closet, knocking quickly. Cady didn't even bother consulting Janis, unlocking and opening the door for Damian as he knelt in front of the closet. "Jan, what happened?"
"I fell...on my ankle." Janis responded weakly, rolling her foot in circles as she rubbed it.
"Aw, hon, I'll get you some ice from the nurse." Damian spoke lovingly to her, rubbing her shoulder as he stood up and walked out.
"Hurry back, lunch is almost over," Cady warned. Janis shook her head against Cady's shoulder. "I can't go to class...I'm crippled."
Cady chuckled. A little bit of happy Janis was coming back. "Cady, being crippled is a serious matter," Janis admonished in a completely sarcastic tone.
"You wanna go to the nurse?" Cady asked through giggles.
Janis loved Cady's laugh. So light and gorgeous, unlike hers. Everything she did seemed graceful and perfect. She admired that about Cady. She wished it could be true for herself.
"Jan?" Cady snapped her back into reality. She'd spaced out again, too entranced by the auburn's sheer beauty, and now she'd completely forgotten what the question was. She nodded absentmindedly, still giggling a little at her joke. It wasn't great, but it made Cady laugh, and that was all that mattered.
"There's the Janis I know and love," Cady said, smiling. "I've missed her today."
"Me fucking too," Janis said, the pain in her foot starting to subside.
"Hey, you think you can walk to the nurse?" Cady asked, a little relieved.
"We'll just have to see, won't we?" Janis said as Cady stood up. "Need help?" Cady asked, reaching out a hand for the injured girl. Janis took her hand and wrapped her arm around Cady's shoulder as she stood up. "This better just be for balance and not some smooth flirting thing," Cady joked. Janis' face turned serious for a second, a little hurt. "Oh, sorry. Bad timing." Cady said blankly, a bit dejected.
"No, no, it's just...I have a lot of existential crises. It's a thing. I never know what I am, and it scares me sometimes. What's my purpose, what are my goals...hell, I can't even figure out who I want to love. I've been told I'm a lesbian so many times that it's starting to grow on me."
Cady felt especially mortified now, feeling remorse for having kissed her on the spot. "I'm sorry about the kiss, I just panicked."
"No, that was fine. Brilliant, even. I needed to shut the fuck up anyway. But I still don't know what to feel. I like girls, I do. I don't get the same satisfaction with boys. But I just can't handle Regina being right. I want to like boys just to prove her wrong."
"No, Janis. You can't just pretend to like someone. If you like girls, you like girls. Damian and I are chill about it. You can't force yourself to feel things you can't feel."
"God, I really think I am gay. Regina is right." The words felt like fire spilling out of her mouth, singeing her throat. "Cady, what do I do?"
"Well, right now you let me take you to the nurse, okay? And then we'll see later." Janis nodded, walking shakily and making sure to put weight on her good foot first. She hung onto Cady for dear life, hoping and praying that no one would see. "You're good, I've got you, you're fine," Cady said calmly.
Janis winced in pain as she put weight on her bad foot. "We're almost there, it's this next door." Janis half walked, half hopped into the nurse's office, carefully lying herself down on the bed with some help from Cady when she got there.
The nurse had stepped out for a minute, but Damian was already there waiting for them, handing Janis the ice pack. Janis put it on her ankle, making it feel better almost instantly. She shivered a little before relaxing. Cady sat on a chair next to the bed, putting a hand on the ice pack to keep it in place. It was freezing on her hand, but she did her best to ignore it for Janis' sake.
"How're you feeling, Jan?" Damian asked.
"Like a cold, throbbing piece of shit," Janis responded, completely straight faced.
"Sorry, hon. You'll be okay though." The nurse came back in a few minutes later, examining Janis' ankle. "Not broken, not sprained, just a little out of place is all. I'm gonna have to pop it back in. This may hurt a little."
Janis reached her hand out immediately for both Damian and Cady, who sandwiched their hands around hers.
"Ready?" Janis nodded, shutting her eyes tightly as the nurse popped her ankle back into place. The initial movement was excruciatingly painful, but once it was back in, her ankle felt almost completely normal.
The nurse wrapped bandages around it and put the ice pack back on it right as the bell rang, signaling the end of lunch. "Alright, your little visitors have got to go to class now," the nurse said, giving Damian and Cady a look that basically said "get the hell out of this office". They stood up immediately, saying goodbye for now to Janis as they quickly headed off to class.
The nurse turned back to Janis. "Do you want me to call your mom?" Janis shook her head. All she really wanted to do right now was just lay there and process. "Alright then, let me know if you need anything." The nurse went into the next room to see another student.
Janis turned on her side, alone with her thoughts (which was never a good thing). Cady Heron had kissed her first. And it was exhilaratingly confusing. She didn't know what the future would hold, and she was petrified.
She shut her eyes, replaying the scene in her mind over and over, reliving all the feelings she'd felt and taking the valuable time to attempt to process them. The newness of it all, combined with proving Regina's point, scared her more than anything else. She thought about it long and hard before her mind couldn't take it anymore and decided to shut itself off, allowing her to take a half-assed nap on the stiff bed.