Hamed
None of us spoke. She was seated on the bed with her legs crossed and her gaze set on the blank TV.
Me. Am seated on the prayer mat with my rosary beads in one hand and my closed up Qur'an in another. I wasn't saying anything. I was just staring at the end of the mat. I didn't know what to seek. I felt so empty and cold.
15 years. 15 long and hard years. I've been going through all these for 15 years. I prayed and prayed and prayed. But still nothing. Nothing seems to cure me. And the one thing I thought that would help me hasn't. Prayer is all I had. All I had to make me feel better after my episodes but even it is refusing to be of any help today.
My own wife hasn't even said a word to me for two days straight. It seems even she's fed up. I can't blame her though. She's endured too much beforehand then more with me. She's done so much for me already.
I finally place my Qur'an onto the book shelf. I fold up the mat.
I look at Busola who's now looking down at her lap.
"Can you please just talk to me",I sit down in front of her.
"What do you want me to say?"she asks.
"Anything. Yell at me, hit me, curse me. Just say something",I beg.
"Am not angry with you at all Hamed. Am just scared for you. You could've killed yourself. Look at how damaged your hand is.",she holds my bandaged hand which still has blood seeping through. I had damaged it badly. I have it bandaged from my wrist down. My head was also bandaged. The doctors said it was a miracle that I didn't die because I had pounded my head on the wall a little too hard.
"I could've lost you. And knowing that there was nothing I could do to help you while you were in pain makes me feel empty and just",tears slide down her face as she spoke.
"Am sorry. I tried. I really tried to control it, I did but nothing worked. It was just too much for me to handle",I whisper and drop my head.
She doesn't say anything after that. She just starts to massage my head. I lay down on her lap as she does this.
"Your alive and its all because of Allah. we should be grateful",she whispers.
"Your here with me because of him. We just have to keep praying"she says.
"For how long more?",I ask.
"Hamed. We can't lose hope. He has his time for everything. We just have to be full of prayer and have sabr (patience)",she wipes away my tears and wraps her arms around my chest.
I close my eyes and just enjoy the silence. I just kept praying that He would show me the way. The way to finding a stop to all this. The way to healing.
I didn't know when sleep took over me.