Era/Time Period: Any
Any? Is this for roleplay purposes, or is he immortal and basically lived through everything, like Soveliss?
AU: Can be Imperium
Alrighty.
Name: Sirelabus
You actually forgot to put this in, lol. But it's ok.
Age: 17
Hm. Okay. So not immortal?
Gender: Male
Ok.
Sexuality: Bisexual
Cool.
Tribe: Nightwing/Magi (Magi is the species/creature that Soveliss calls himself).
Magi? Hm. Interesting.
Queen they Support: Sirelabus serves the nightwing queen.
Oo. Ok.
Abilities: Sirelabus inherited these powers from his father. Through his father's connection to magic, Sirelabus also gained one: He has the ability where he can make anything happen to anyone or anything he touches. For instance, healing another individual, or giving them strength. This power can also cast enchantments upon items as if Sirelabus were an animus dragon. The use of this power is extremely exhausting. In a manner of Newton's third law: if he saves someone from the brink of death, then the effort will knock him unconscious.
Hm. Just knock him unconscious? Or does it like, bring him on the brink of death, too? I feel like it should be the second one — where he can sort of "transfer" powers, abilities, etc. to someone else. Like, if he has a sickness, and he could GIVE his sickness to someone else, so he is cured but whoever he gave the sickness to isn't (obvi). Wouldn't that be cool? I feel like you should do that if that's not how it works already.
It also would give a reasonable set of limits — like, if he wants to give someone Firescales, he would have to completely rid himself of his own fire-breathing abilities (assuming that he has such abilities; you don't mention them anywhere), and since he doesn't have frostbreath he couldn't give any frostbreath abilities to someone else. It would give Sirelabus a good set of limitations because right now he seems a bit overpowered for only being half Magi.
Sirelabus is capable of nightwing mind reading and future seeing.
Okay, can I ask you something: Does this contribute at all to the backstory? To his character? At all? Because if you didn't say he had mind reading/future-seeing powers, I would've NEVER known, because it doesn't appear ANYWHERE else except here. And those two powers, especially together, is too big of a power to only be mentioned once in the Abilities section and then mentioned never again.
But maybe you added it in because it's a normal thing for his timeline — I wouldn't know because you never told me the timeline.
He can also summon magical energy and make it do his bidding (which is very exhausting). For instance, if he used magic to throw someone across a room, he would become winded as if he had just done so himself.
Okay, that makes sense. So it's like a reverse effect, if he does something to someone using magical energy, then the magic has the same effect on him. Okay, that's pretty decent.
Rank: Prince of the Nightwing Tribe (see backstory).
Alrighty, I guess.
Appearance: Sirelabus is short by nightwing standards, though not particularly short. Instead of having the eyes of a nightwing, his eyes are a royal purple color with tinges of gold here and there. His nightwing scales also have tinges of purple here and there. He also has a strangely sharp end on his tail. Sirelabus appears physically capable; despite his small size, he is evidently strong. He has a ring on his front right talon. This ring is gold with an amethyst gemstone. Sirelabus also has a slightly more angular face than most nightwings, which looks almost vaguely like a skywing's head structure. However, this is minor enough that Sirelabus still easily passes as a nightwing.
Hmm, alright. Maybe you could add a detail that is somehow related to Soveliss that makes him not-so-easily pass for a NightWing. I mean, Sirelabus's father has the physical features of literally all the Pyrrhian tribes, I feel like Sirelabus should at least have a few small oddities on him that resemble one or more tribes. It could even be something small, like IceWing spikes or webbed talons. But still. For the son of a dragon who legit looks like an abomination, Sirelabus looks awfully... regular, in comparison to what I'd imagine Soveliss's son should look like.
Personality: Sirelabus is ultimately passionate and caring for those who have shown him kindness.
Wow. Really? He sure doesn't seem to act like Soveliss lmao.
However Sirelabus has a deep seeded hatred of those who defy him or cause him detriment. Sirelabus is ruthlessly efficient in all he does, while he tries to follow a moral path, he's not remotely afraid to disregard his morals if it means his goals can be accomplished. Much akin to his father, if Sirelabus perceives another individual or issue as a foe or problem, he doesn't just solve the problem momentarily, he goes out of his way to systematically eliminate the problem or individual so they may never rise to hinder him again.
There's the Soveliss we know and love shining through his son.
Sirelabus takes a machiavellian approach to things, though with a greater deal of morality than his father. Still, Sirelabus tangles with a dark side. He occasionally has dreams of horrible evils. But all in all, Sirelabus is a kind soul, but with horrible darkness hidden beneath.
Alright. A pretty good personality, I think, although a few more general traits might be best. Like, I have no idea if he's loyal, or creepy, or stuck-up, or what he acts like in general. I can't really imagine what a conversation with Sirelabus would be like — not to say his personality isn't good, but he definitely needs a few more general and clearer traits.
Backstory:
Sirelabus was born to a lower class nightwing named Starstriker and an unknown father.
Starstriker?? So, what, she strikes the stars? Starstriker's name doesn't sound like it relates to her abilities, occupation, personality or appearance like it usually should. Maybe it does, but I don't know how it could without it being utterly hilarious and/or impossible.
He loved his mother and grew up under her guidance. His mother never told him much about his father, other than a few vague statements like "he sticks out in a crowd, either in personality, appearance, or both."
OOooooooooooooooo.
Sirelabus was only 7 when his mother died to a common lower class disease. He mourned her death but used the things she taught him to survive in relative comfort in the slums. Sirelabus used his powers to manipulate others and get what he needed from them.
Eh... again, he seems to be a little overpowered for a half Magi hybrid. Also, when does this all take place? Before Darkstalker, or after? And when did he figure out he had Soveliss's powers? I feel like there should be a whole section in the backstory about how he discovered his abilities.
As he grew older and more mature, he began to feel a certain affection from afar towards the nightwing princess. However, Sirelabus had learned to be more pragmatic, so he didn't dwell on his own feelings for her. With that, he established himself relatively well in the slums of the night kingdom. It was at age 11 that he heard strange rumors through a small web of contacts:
The princess of the nightwings had rejected each and every suitor that was offered. Therefore a tournament was scheduled.
A — a tournament? I'm getting, like, Cinderella vibes here — also, why a tournament? And why is the princess so picky? And why now? She's only a princess. Shouldn't she do this as a queen or something?
And the top three would be brought before the princess, and she would decide which one would become a prince and therefore be her royal consort and mate. This tournament was open to all. Sirelabus accepted the offer without hesitation.
It goes without saying that Sirelabus won the tournament and became the royal consort of Princess Vortex (i didn't make up the name, someone else did). The two lived happily together, however never really bothered to have dragonets, even after Vortex challenged her mother for the throne.
Then why did she get a mate?? The princess hosted a freaking tournament just to be in a romantic relationship. Maybe I could understand if she wanted to find the guy with the best features and physical traits so they would pass that down to their children, but apparently not. A PRINCESS hosted a TOURNAMENT to FORM A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP.
Now Sirelabus was around 13, Vortex was queen, and Sirelabus remained her consort (due to how titles and monarchies work...) and Prince.
Wait wouldn't he be KING? Since Vortex is queen, now??
It was at this point that Sirelabus really became obsessed with expanding his own abilities and talents. He established a professional relationship with Andronikos to expand his and Vortex's political power while privately seeking the identity of his father.
Doesn't he have stuff to do, now that he is MATES with a QUEEN? Or no?
Now Sirelabus was 17 and no closer to finding the identity of his father. However he and Andronikos had become close friends (though Sirelabus never told Andronikos about how he was seeking his father and Andronikos had not known Soveliss had a son, therefore neither one could help the other on that front). The two both worked together to expand their reaches of power. And that is where we come to now, Sirelabus still seeking greater power and knowledge.
Well okay then.
Residence: Sirelabus lives within the palace of the Ancient Nightwing City with Queen Vortex and the nightwing tribe.
Okay.
Family or Friends:
Sirelabus has his father (Soveliss) and no siblings. He is close friends with Andronikos as well as the Nightwing General (Swiftstrike) and the Nightwing Ambassador (Wordweaver).
Good NightWing names, actually. I especially like Wordweaver.
Mate: Queen Vortex.
Uh huh.
Crush: N/A
Mk.
Dragonets: Nope
Still extremely confused on WHY Vortex had a freaking TOURNAMENT when — ugh.
Other:
Sirelabus has a strange accent (sounds very slightly british). Again, from his father.
T h a t ' s n o t h o w g e n e t i c s w o r k
Also, Sirelabus had Vampire-like fangs, these fangs serve no purpose, but he simply inherited them from his father.
OKay then.
My Rating:
8/10
Originality: 25/25 (This OC is completely original)
Realism: 15/25 (2 points knocked off for the overpowered abilities, 1.5 points knocked off for the lack of physical resemblance with Soveliss, 1.5 points knocked off for the lack of general traits in his personality, 2 points knocked off for the NightWing abilities being mentioned once then forgotten, 1 point knocked off for the absence of discovering his powers in the backstory, .5 points knocked off for Starstriker's name, 1 point knocked off for the lack of explanation of the whole "prince/king" thing, .5 points knocked off for the accent being genetic)
Interest: 15/25 (I'm somewhat interested in this character)
Uniqueness: 25/25 (This character is very unique)
Comments:
Well... don't get me wrong, I LOVE Sirelabus; he's a pretty great character overall. But he needs a LOT of work.
Because I said a lot in this rating, I'm going to just bluntly and directly say what needs to happen with this OC.
— MAKE HIM A BIT LESS OVERPOWERED; He's a hybrid, which should already stunt his growth and abilities, but he's also not FULLY Magi. At this point, it looks a lot like Sirelabus is fully Magi since he has as much or almost as much power as Soveliss does, which doesn't make sense. I'm not implying that you should take away some or all of his abilities, I'm more saying GIVE HIM MORE LIMITATIONS, like the ones I suggested: Instead of being able to give anything, he can only transfer powers, abilities, etc. that he already has. I do suggest keeping the whole "If he does something harmful to someone with magic, he feels it just as much as whoever is the victim of his magic" thing.
— MAKE HIM RESEMBLE SOVELISS MORE; Soveliss has at least a few physical features of every single tribe each, so it doesn't make sense that his son looks enough like a NightWing to easily pass for one. Like, yes, Sirelabus might be half NightWing, but still. He should at least have a small trait from a few tribes (maybe not all of them, but like, 4 out of 7 tribes contributing to his appearance would be enough).
— ADD MORE GENERAL TRAITS TO HIS PERSONALITY; At the moment, I can't really imagine how a conversation between me and Sirelabus would go. I should be able to do that; I should be able to imagine how he speaks, what he says, etc. I should be able to imagine Sirelabus with his personality, but his personality is too vague and there aren't enough details for me to know.
— PLEASE EXPLAIN WHEN THIS TAKES PLACE! Because right now, I barely have any idea when it all takes place!
— EXPLAIN VORTEX'S TOURNAMENT, OR MAKE A BETTER REASON FOR IT; Right now, I'm sorry, but the reason behind Vortex's tournament is... what? Getting into a romantic relationship? Why make a big deal out of it when all she's looking for is some romance? And isn't she only a princess? Couldn't she have waited until she was queen to find some love?
— ERASE OR GIVE REASON FOR THE NIGHTWING POWERS; Are they really necessary? How necessary are they? Because like I said, it seems like they're only mentioned once and then sort of forgotten about, which doesn't make any sense for how big those two powers are. If this is taking place in, say, Darkstalker's time or beforehand, THEN that makes sense because they were regular powers at the time. I would recommend taking one of them off, though, because it seems just a little unnecessary, even for Darkstalker or pre-Darkstalker times.
— ADD A SECTION TO THE BACKSTORY EXPLAINING HOW HE DISCOVERED HIS POWERS; Currently, I have no idea how he knows about them. Did he figure them out by accident? Did someone tell him he had powers? Did something happen where his powers acted up and he used them?
SMALLER DETAILS;
— Starstriker. Please change the name to something that is related to her abilities, appearance or occupation.
— Shouldn't Sirelabus be king, now? If not, I would like an explanation as to why he isn't.
— Shouldn't Sirelabus, being mates with a queen (rank remaining prince or not), have a lot of work to do? Or at least some work, as a monarch's mate? (.5 points knocked off for realism)
— Change the "has a strange accent (sounds very slightly british). Again, from his father" bit because accents don't pass down genetically.
Again: I love Sirelabus, and he's a great OC. There are just some things you need to work on or explain better, that's all.