A/N: This contains SPOILERS for people who didn't read the auction arc in Tokyo Ghoul :Re, or just Tokyo Ghoul altogether and FOUL LANGUAGE. Read at your own risk!
This was requested by @YanskieLuixx, I hope you like it!!
P.-S. The battle in which the reader participates in later in the chapter isn't canon, I just made it up for the sake of the plot. It's happening between the events of the Rose Extermination operation and Rushima, if that's even possible.
You woke up with a start, memories painfully flashing through your head, yet you couldn't remember how you fell asleep, and where you were. The white walls surrounding you weren't helping, either.
You knew this wasn't a hospital, though. Hospitals don't lock up their patients like this. And besides, the alarming lack of clothing on your body told you you weren't in a hospital.
...Were you kidnapped? And by who, exactly?
No, that couldn't be. You could at least recall being with the Quinx squad, and they wouldn't have let you get kidnapped. But would they, really?
You had no idea. You knew absolutely nothing and it was the scariest thing you ever experienced. You had a little idea on how Haise felt now and oh how you felt bad for him.
"I see you've awoken." A male voice speaks, causing you to snap your head towards the door to meet with the man the whole CCG despised.
"Kanou." You grimaced at the taste of his name on your tongue. The disgust you felt for the man made you sick, made you angry. This human, who had the audacity to mess with other human lives and turn them into monsters they never asked to be made into...
Oh, shit.
"What the fuck did you do to me?!" You screeched, noticing you were chained up with what seemed like quinque steel. No. Oh, god no.
The expression on your face must have been obvious, because the sick doctor only chuckled. "A bright one, aren't you? It took your coworkers months before they finally settled in with the truth."
"This is illegal on so many levels." You muttered, too angry to even shout anymore. "I'll fucking kill you once I'm free."
"I'm afraid that won't be possible." Kanou said, looking at you like a child would with a new toy. It was frightening. "After all, I'm not done breaking you yet."
You supressed the shiver going through your spine and let out an animalistic growl, tugging against your restraints. "Who's kagune was it even-"
"The Owl's."
You gagged at the confirmation that there was indeed a ghoul's organ now implanted in your body.
"That's fucking sick!" You seethed. "When Juuzou finds out, he'll-"
"Kill you, won't he?" This man was really trying to get you to give up. "You're dead to the CCG. If you were to go back, they'd kill you."
"They didn't kill Haise, and he's a half ghoul." You countered.
"But he's been brainwashed and broken, just like how you will be."
"If I wake up with white hair you can be assured that I will personally murder you." You warned.
"Better get in line." The doctor chuckled, stepping forwards.
"Don't fucking approach me!"
Your threats seemed to bounce off him as Kanou walked towards you, pulling out a needle from behind his back and stabbing it into your eye, causing you to howl out in pain before passing out from what ever he had just injected into you.
••••
"Another Owl? That man needs to calm down." The purple haired teen sighs, looking you up and down while you stood still. "Your name?"
"(L/N) (Y/N)." You answered monotonously. He didn't interest you, therefore you just wanted him out of your sight.
The teen gave you a slight glare. "Weren't you in the CCG?" He said, suspiciously.
"Until I got kidnapped and turned into this mess." You said, pointing a finger to your face. You didn't want to say more than needed.
"Kanou's gotta stop making ghouls out of CCG investigators." He sighed, turning his back towards you. That might have been a bad idea if you were planning on killing him. He was lucky you had no such interests at the moment. "You can leave, I'll update Tatara. Just stay within the base. We've got an ambush coming up and you might be needed for it."
You nodded before heading out of the room silently. It's not like you wanted to be silent. It was more like a question of safety. With Kanou, the more silent and obedient you were, the less painful the process was. You had learnt that the hard way. Now that you 'graduated', you just sort of had a habit of not talking much, out of sheer fear that you will get punished after one wrong word or move, making you seem like a cold hearted bitch.
Once out of earshot, you sighed and glanced down at your now black fingernails which made a huge contrast with how your skin had paled up. From what you remembered, your face had a similar contrast, black lips and eyelids (which had both darkened due to the amount of times Kanou had ripped them off for different reasons) and snow white hair. It was just a reminder of what would happen if you were to try and break out of your safety habit.
Every time you came across a mirror, you couldn't help but notice how much you looked like him. Which made you wonder where your former best friend was right now. He was affiliated with Aogiri too, right? Though you doubted the two of you would get along now, you still wanted to know what had happened after walking with the quinx squad, and something in you told you he knew. Besides, Kanou kept bringing him up. Yet, you still couldn't remember enough and getting toyed with for months on end didn't help the matter.
You discarded your hopes. You should know better. The happy days were gone, you maxed them out. All that was left right now was despair and death. Only negative things would come now, you were well aware, so you might as well stop thinking about such naïve things.
••••
You calmly sat in the tree you were assigned to, as still as an image. If someone were to look your way, they probably wouldn't see you with how dark it was and how unmoving you were. The distant screams of people dying seemed to calm you further more, which in your case was a bad thing. You loved fighting when agitated. The fuzziness and dizziness it brought was at least a bit fun, it helped you kill with more ease, and you could always blame your mental state for murdering both humans and ghouls at that time. And let's not forget the bonus that is getting to be loud for once without getting punished.
You saw three figures running towards your hide out, one of them obviously an Aogiri ghoul. The two others were probably investigators you were ordered to kill. What a smart little tactic, luring out only a few investigators at a time and leaving them to a stronger ghoul who was hidden up in the trees. You forced down a loud fit of giggles and watched as they approached you, the ghoul running away even faster when it approached your tree.
You jumped down at last, the fall breaking your right leg. Not for long, though, since it healed back up in mere instants. "Aw, two little doves, lost in the woods full of big bad crows." You cooed, finally letting that ominous laugh echo through the dense forest.
Being on the ground, you finally took in the investigators' apparences, the idea that you might be killing former coworkers finally entering your deranged mind.
Even in the dark, it wasn't hard to see who it was and if the contrast in height between the two wasn't enough, the large scythe-like weapon that the smaller boy was now lowering was more than enough of a clue.
"Suzuya-senpai, what are you doing?" Hanbee whisper-yelled, anxious at how his mentor seemed to have brought down his guard.
The raven haired boy simply ignored him, staring at you with wide eyes. "(Y/N)..?" He asked, unsure if he really wanted to know who the person in front of him was.
"Hey, sweetheart." You said, smirking. Months ago, hearing you call him that would bring him joy and make his heart swell with his love for you, but feeling it do the same right now made him sick. What had happened to you? And more importantly, how were you alive?
"What happened?" He asked, flabbergasted.
"Here, I'll give ya an example!" You exclaimed, launching towards him with a feral grin stuck on your face. You had no idea how it actually went, but it was an excuse to attack him, so why not? "It went a little like this." You aimed to kick his neck but instead was blocked by not the boy himself, but Abara.
"Aye, ya got better!" You giggled, turning your attention to the tall man instead. "You'd usually be cowering in front of ghouls above an A+ rating!" Your right fist collided with his side sending him tumbling down a few meters away.
"Boop!" You squealed, holding back more laughter as you brutally crushed the man's quinque with your foot. "How about I boop your face, now?"
Hanbee started crawling in the opposite direction, but you gained distance faster than he was adding, so you had your foot on his chest soon, sandal painfully digging into his ribcage as you leaned down to look at him. "It was a good fight, albeit it lasted for like four seconds, I appreciate the effort, Hanbee. Here, I won't kill ya with my hands in exchange." You said, slipping off the hood you were wearing, showing a battle suit that resembled Takizawa's way too much in your opinion.
Before you could let the kagune rip out from your back, a knife lodged itself in your spine, causing you to straighten your back, face palming. "How could I have forgotten my sweet Juuzou?" You wondered, looking behind your shoulder to stare at your ex with a hungry, nearly lustful gaze. "Out of your little denial trance yet, dear?"
"Don't hurt him." He muttered, barely managing eye contact with you. It hurt him so much to see what had happened to you, it hurt him to know that it was his fault you were like this. If only he let you come with his squad, where he could protect you instead...
••••
"What..?" Juuzou breathed, looking at Haise with wide, fearful eyes. He knew you didn't show up right away after the operation, but some people did that, right? You were okay, right? Haise must be in some kind of delusive state from his fight with the Owl, right? You promised you wouldn't leave!
"I'm sorry... " The pudding head said in an apologetic tone. "Takizawa took her away before any of us could get to her..."
"Couldn't you just have avoided it all by calling a medic squad when she first got hurt by him?" Suzuya said, freakishly calm for someone who learned their partner had gotten killed. Shirazu and Saiko cowered in fear behind their brave mentor.
"She looked dead, we didn't think she could have lived through it... And we forgot..."
That was it, that snapped him.
"So you left her corpse to bleed out and get eaten by those monsters?! What kind of person would do that to someone? To a friend, no less!" The raven haired male yelled, causing everyone in the room to flinch.
"I'm really, really sorry, Suzuya..."
"Apologizing won't do anything so stop it!" He screeched, eyes brimming with tears. He never thought he'd get upset about someone's death before for nineteen years and now had been proven wrong twice in less than three. "I have nothing left because of you!"
The tightening in his chest hurt, he felt like he'd suffocate anytime soon. Not that he'd mind, if it meant he'd die. He looked down as his tears slid down his cheeks, shoulders tensing every so often as silent sobs. His hands instinctively went to his face, sobbing into his hands, not caring that his whole squad and the Quinx squad were all watching him.
"Suzuya-"
Juuzou's head snapped up at Haise's annoyingly apologetic voice. Was he ever going to stop?
"Shut the fuck up. I don't want to hear you speak to me out of work purposes ever again." He growled before turning his back on the half ghoul and walking away. Yes, that man had always been nothing but kind to him, and Juuzou used to relate to him, but Haise did the unforgivable and Suzuya was determined on baring the grudge for as long as he lived.
Because of the man, he had lost one of the things he cherished most.
••••
"Oi, you gonna say anything before I kill you?" You asked, digging your foot into the man's stomach even more. "C'mon, even my fantasies about this were better." You pushed as Juuzou seemed to gain consciousness again. What happened?
The man gazed into your barely recognizable eyes, searching for a glimpse of the joy and love that used to glow in them. He found nothing. He found no traces of your past self, like you had been completely erased. He knew you weren't, though, because you knew who he was and who Hanbee was, but that made things just worst.
It meant you had gotten into this partially willing. If you hadn't, you wouldn't remember him. If you had fought back, they would have brainwashed you completely, and he knew you'd hate that even more than your current situation. Because living in despair and living in despair but with good memories are two completely different things, the latter being more bearable.
It stung though, no matter how much he was trying to be optimistic about it, it hurt to see what they did to you, how much they hurt you. He wondered what you thought of him now. He was unable to help you back then... Did you resent him?
You had every right to hate him, to despise him, you had every right to kill him.
You pouted, black lips shimmering in the darkness. "Really? No 'I hate you's or 'How can you do this to me's? Come on, I'm a tough girl, I can handle a little angst. Or is it that you can't?"
Juuzou looked at you once more. You had every right to kill him, and if you weren't crushing him with your foot right now, alive and breathing, he might have asked you to actually do it, but you were there, ghoul or not.
Your love for him used to be an unconditional one. From loving an odd guy like him to staying by his side after loosing both his mentor and his leg, determined to help him as much as you could. Even if you despised his guts right now, he couldn't deny the fact that he still loved you. How could he return your once unconditional love if he were dead?
Suzuya couldn't attempt to filter his words before they escaped his mouth in something like a whimper.
"Please, please don't kill me."
You weren't sure if you were more surprised by his unexpected words or the feeling of something snapping into place in your brain.
What were you doing? Did you seriously give into what Kanou had done to you? Were you really so weak?
You remained unmoving above your lover, eyes darting around the forest as you were attempting to think of what would be the best course of action with your newfound sanity. Kill them both and forget about it? Go with them and risk both your death and extreme punishment for Juuzou and Hanbee? Run away?
Run away it is.
You quickly jerked forwards, but before you could bolt out of there, you felt a sharp object enter your back, causing you to gasp and fall to the ground beside Juuzou.
"Hanbee!" Suzuya exclaimed, his eyes then landing on your bleeding for. "She wasn't going to hurt me!"
"I-I... She moved and I panicked, I'm s-"
"Don't even try to say that word." Juuzou growled. He heard it too often, he hated it. "Now stop standing there and help me carry her!"
Shit, they can't. If they carried you back, you'd get killed. You'd be seen as a threat. Or worse, you'll end up a pudding head like Sasaki, and you won't remember anything, you won't know anything, which is literally the scariest thing in existence.
You attempted to crawl away before a hand set itself on your shoulder.
"It's alright, we won't hurt you like they did." Juuzou spoke sweetly as you shook your head. "Don't be scared, I promise you won't be hurt. You'll be alright."
"N-"
"Leave her alone."
Well, here goes a little friend reunion.
Turning around, you spotted a head of white hair with a little cowlick standing on the back of the head.
"Seidou..." You whimpered. He was going to hurt them, you knew it. He had that look on his face, one you saw once before, that one time a ghoul hurt you in combat.
The ghoul stomped forwards until Juuzou left your side, taking his quinque from Hanbee, which still had a bit of your blood on it, and prepared himself for combat.
"Don't hurt him..." You pleaded, unsure of who you were talking of.
Takizawa didn't even give Juuzou a chance. He immediately struck him with his kagune, effectively knocking the investigator off his feet and flying meters back. He did the same to the unarmed Hanbee before kneeling at your side, scooping up your now half conscious form and bolting out of there.
The last thing you though of was how you hoped Juuzou and Hanbee wouldn't tell anyone before passing out, even though you really didn't want to pass out in the arms of someone as unstable as Seidou.
••••
You groaned as you woke up, rubbing your forehead.
"Finally." A male voice groaned a few meters to your left, causing you to crane your neck to see who it was. "I thought ya were gonna go into a coma or somethin'. I can't really help heal shit like that."
You furrowed your brows at his words. Heal?
You glanced down at the now invisible wound on your side. "Huh." You huffed.
"That's all I get?" The half ghoul asked. "I save your life and spare your boyfriend and all I get is a 'huh'?"
You rolled your eyes. Even though he changed, he still seemed the same, somehow. Oh god, how you had missed your best friend. "Well, whadya want? Wanna eat me?" You proposed. You knew he cannibalized on ghouls occasionally, but you sort of hoped he wouldn't do that to you... It was just a joke. A misplaced joke.
"Eat you out, yeah I wouldn't mind-"
"That's a major fuck no." You cut off. He became quite bold, hadn't he?
"Then could you forgive me and forget what I did?" He asked, becoming oddly calm.
"What, save me? Why would I forget you saving my life? If anything, I owe you." You answered, confused.
"Don't fuck with me, (Y/N). Believe it or not, I feel bad about it." Seidou frowned while you just furrowed your eyebrows.
"I'm not kidding, what ever you're talking about, I don't remember."
"You don't remember the auction? I nearly killed you. I attacked you and left you barely alive to fight the Sasaki-Kaneki guy." He explained. "Not to mention I may or may not have brought you to Kanou in an attempt to save you..."
Your mouth fell open at his confession. Yeah, your memories still weren't coming back, and you had a feeling they never would, but still, if he was telling the truth, shit. He was the cause of your suffering.
"I... It's thanks to you that I'm still living this fucked up life.." You muttered, still trying to piece together just how much of your life was fucked up.
"I'm sorry, you probably would have been better off dead." Well, that sounded more like an insult...
You glanced to the side, unsure if you should forgive him or not. He apparently did try to eat you, but at the same time... This is Seidou. This is the guy who helped you become a better person, the guy who's been by your side for as long as you can remember, the guy-
You don't recognize me? But I love you. Love love love you don't love me, do you?
This is the guy who loved you even if you didn't love him back. How could you stay mad at him, even if it was about him accidentally making your life miserable? He's been dealing with the same kind of pain too, and you knew he didn't deserve more of it.
Hell, if you could, you'd give him a star sticker saying 'there was an attempt' on it, because he tried.
"I might regret this later on, but I forgive you." You finally answered.
Glancing back at your friend, you spotted the tiniest smile on his face and couldn't help but return it. You both might be screwed up right now, but two negatives make a positive, right?
"Hey, thanks for taking care of me, but I think I should go see someone..." You said, getting up. Seidou merely nodded before loosing interest.
Yeah, he was a little different, but the two of you could work things out and make them right again.
Right now, you needed to mend things with one more person.
••••
You smiled a little (it probably looked more like a smirk) once Suzuya's tired form entered his kitchen, jumping back once he spotted you.
"Takizawa?!" He exclaimed, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. He had to be hallucinating. The guilt of loosing you again was really getting to him.
"I understand we sort of look like twins now, but no, it's (Y/N)." You answered before leaning back in your chair and crossing your legs in a calm manner. "And I'm not here to kill you. We just need to talk things out. The first thing being; please tell me you and Abara kept your mouths shut on the whole me being alive thing..."
Juuzou simply stared at you in awe. Were you really in his kitchen, sitting at the table? He couldn't believe his eyes.
After another thirty seconds, the man nodded vigorously before settling down in front of you.
It's funny how even if he knew damn well what you were now, the thought of killing you never crossed his mind.
"What do we need to talk about?" He curiously asked, settling his elbow on the wooden surface of his dining table and placing his head in his hand.
"Us. I don't know what we even are anymore. Do you still love me? Am I still capable of love? I don't know. And even if we could still work things out, there's the whole CCG-Aogiri rivalry." You explained, nervously rubbing your arm. Gee, you were more nervous about talking your feelings out than you were while murdering a group of innocent humans. "And I'm a ghoul, now. Just us having this conversation is wrong."
"You're not a ghoul." Juuzou shook his head, an innocent expression on his face. "You're human! Always was, always will be, and nothing can change that."
You coughed loudly at his words. How can he still be in denial like that? "Juuzou, have you seen me? I've got the Owl's kakuhou in my back. I've got way too many RC cells running in my bloodstream, I have a craving for human meat! How am I not a ghoul?"
"You're DNA says you're human, no? What ever they did to you, there's no way they can change your DNA, therefore, you're human, and you're my girlfriend! Easy peasy, lemon squeazy! Can we hug it out now?" He asked, opening his arms wide and smiling. You had been the one to teach him about DNA, and it was about time he used his knowledge of it.
You had to admit he was right about the DNA thing, but how did he trust you this much when you tried to kill him not even a week ago? And how was he so chill about betraying the CCG like this? The Juuzou you used to date would never even give a ghoul a chance.
"You wouldn't have done this if it were anyone else. Why spare me when you know I have to kill to survive?" You questioned, still suspicious.
Juuzou frowned. He knew he sounded shady right now, but he was hoping you'd let it go and just jump in his arms and tell him it was all okay like you used to. He missed your constant attention and affection. He missed how you used to scold him when he did something wrong, or how you had teached him social etiquette. He missed you, damn it!
"You can't even imagine how much I missed you." He confessed, giving you a melancholic smile. "When Sasaki said you died, I felt just like I did back when Shinohara got hurt, but it was even worse. I missed everything about you and how you used to behave around me and care for me. Do you know how much I hated myself for not being there for you? And I had nothing left of you, either. Your body just disappeared, I assumed it was eaten by Takizawa." Suzuya took a deep and shaky breath, trying to keep his feelings in check. "I always had this hurting here," He put a slim finger on his chest, right above his heart. "it never left until you appeared again, and I was planning on taking you out at first, but... I still love you, and you were alive, and as selfish as it is, I was happy to see you alive, even if you hurt so much. I don't care that you're a ghoul, or that you have to kill humans. If it means I get to be with you and have you yell at me and scold me again, then I'm okay with it and I'll keep your secret from the CCG. Hanbee will do the same, I promise."
His confession could have made you cry if you were still human, but he missed the old you. The you that hadn't been tortured and forced into this sadistic shell of who you used to be. Juuzou wouldn't be happy with someone like you and could die because of you.
"You are aware I'm not the happy, cheery, humoristic person I used to be, right?" You asked.
"I know, but it's better than you being dead." He shrugged, before getting up from his spot. "Now get up." He ordered, watching as you reluctantly obeyed his command.
As soon as you were at your full height, Suzuya quickly circled around the table and flung himself at you, wrapping his arms around you and burying his face in your chest.
You let out a yelp and froze, wincing. You hadn't had physical contact in a long while, and the last time you had any, it was usually white-hot pain for hours on end. Hugging had become so foreign and you forgot how great it felt to wrap your arms around someone and gently stroke their hair.
"I really, really love you, (Y/N). Please, promise you won't leave."
"I can't promise that anymore, Juuzou. I already broke that promise..." You shamefully muttered, rubbing your cheek on the top of his head and inhaling his scent. He smelled really good... Oh, how you missed that smell.
"I don't care that you broke it. You're back, so it's fixed. I just want to hear you say it and I'll be happy."
You hesitated. For a few moments, you probably looked like a fish out of the water, gaping for air. After a while, though, you decided you might as well try to act human again. "I... I promise. I love you, Juuzou." Now that you said it, it felt true. Your love for him probably never went away, it just got buried in the back of your mind to try and keep it with you and avoid it from being washed away with the rest of yourself. You knew you still had some good quirks left, in the depths of your screwed up mind... Someone just had to dig them out, and you hoped that someone would be Juuzou, or even Seidou.
"Thank you." Your lover said. You could feel him smile, which made your heart flutter with the good old feeling you used to call happiness. Oh, how you missed it. "I love you too. A lot, ghoul or not."
Squeezing him tighter, you let out a satisfied sigh.
"Thank you for loving me."