From our little group, Will is the only one to notice my departure with Yann. He stares as we leave till he can no longer see us. And even when his eyes cannot see us, they are still in our direction. I watch through the branches as he looks curious but doesn't come after us. At last, he averts his gaze and resumes his fun with our friends.
I follow Yann as he takes me away through the dead leaves and humid soil. His damp shorts stick to his body and so does his hair to the base of his neck. His grip on my wrist tightens with every step he takes, giving me the impression that he is dragging me behind him. My legs elongate as much as they can to match his pace, my breathing gets harder and I suddenly regret letting my hair loose for it's causing more heat than the summer is already.
"Where are you taking me?"
During the little time we've been walking, his walls went back up. I know it the moment he throws these rough syllables my way. "Away."
And that's all it takes for my obedience to go away. I yank my wrist out of his hand. "We're away now, aren't we?" I snap.
I notice his clenching jaw as he whirls around to face me. His eyes are a blazing fire and the drying hair framing his face makes him look much older, much scarier. When he says nothing, I try to recall what brought us here. As it comes back, how weird that little exchange had been, I attempt to form words to pick up from where we had left.
"You wanted me to listen. I'm all ears, Yann." I cross my arms over my chest and lean against a nearby trunk.
He looks around, lifting his head to the magnificence of the trees before looking back down. He pulls from his wrist a hairband that I hadn't noticed and ties his locks. His gaze falls upon my face but he never looks straight into my eyes. "Let's not think about last night."
Why is he reacting like that? It's not the first time we had kissed. "In simple words, forget about it."
His gaze returns on me, but this time, I'm looking into his eyes. "I said not to think about it, I didn't say forget."
I shake my head at him and push myself off the tree. "Nearly the same thing."
His eye are sharp, his face displeased. "Why do you always have to contradict me?"
"Why do you expect me to agree with you?"
I spin on my heels to leave, feeling like this conversation is over. Three steps away from where I previously stood, an arm wraps around my waist and pulls me back, spinning me around in the process. He reaches out and places a hand on my hip to stop me from colliding with his chest.
His brow creases in concentration as he stares down at me. "Why don't you just let go, Graham?"
I place my hand on his arm to unwrap it but it stays where it is, firmly securing me in his grip. "It's not in my nature to surrender, Yann."
"You should learn to," he says.
I raise an eyebrow at him, not bothering to free myself now. "What about you, though? Would you consider surrender to Will's pleas?"
I get the expected reaction out of him. The mild politeness vanishes and the Yann I first met resurfaces. "Don't go there, Graham."
I look into his eyes and see that I am wrong. Sure, anger is what I've wanted, but anguish, no, and I find both on his features right now. "Exactly. So don't expect me to give in neither."
When I try to remove myself, he's opposing himself and will not let me. He's holding me in his arms and not letting go. I look up to him, wondering why he's doing that again. And by the look on his face, I know that he knows that right now I'm thinking of it. He's thinking of it too.
"And you expect me not to think about it?" I whisper as I subdue this growing feeling inside of me. Why is he doing this? "I don't get the problem here, it's not the first time we kissed. Why are you reacting like that?" I hadn't planned to really ask him the question but the words are past my lips before I can stop them, my voice small and confused.
I feel his hand grip my hair as he pulls my head back and plunges his gaze into mine. He looks torn apart between two feelings, and one of them is anguish. An anguish that doesn't suit the mere handsomeness that his hair leaves to see on his face, an anguish that settles itself onto his features, aging him, making him ugly.
And his voice reaches my ears at last. "Just let it go, Graham," he says.
The way he says that, the way he asks me to let it go, I get that he is no longer talking about the kiss. He's talking about something much bigger and he's a fool if he thinks I am just going to give up like that.
Surprised that he is letting me go, I pull away from his grip. The mild pressure on my hair lessens until I no longer feel it, indicating me that he's let go. I take a step back and don't dare look at him. I don't want to see his face.
Then I say as I leave, "I'm not letting you go, Yann."
***
"No, don't!"
But I do. I throw myself up and let myself down. I feel the air whoosh past me as I fall, my hair flies and my heart beats in slight anticipation and excitement. I brace myself for the impact with the water, smiling in elation. I let myself plunge deep, deep into the water, and let myself float back up to the surface. Will's face shines with a broad smile and so does Lucy's as she applauds on top of Will's head.
"I can't believe you jumped fully clothed!" Ellie exclaims as she throws herself on my back.
"Didn't feel like undressing." I smile up to her and she tweaks my nose playfully.
By accident, my gaze moves to the shore. At this precise moment, Yann returns from where he had gone with me a few minutes ago. It's unlikely that I'll ever know why he stayed back that long, though I presume he must've stayed to ponder my words. And if that's the real reason behind his stay, I wonder what's come out of all this reflection.
I return my attention to my friends. Lucy jumps from one back to another, restless. Ellie's bikini top unties and she hides in the water to put it back in place; Will, who had been laughing at Ellie, has the same fate ahead of him: only, it's his trunks that he loses. That starts boisterous laughter from each of us in the water. Will frowns and rolls his eyes but I see the corner of his lips striving to remain in a straight line.
He later gives me a piggy back ride to the shore as I hit his flanks like a cowboy would a horse. He drops me and I lie myself spread-eagled on the blanket. I look up to him and give him thumbs up as a thanks for that's all I can do.
"Will you carry me back there?" I ask after a moment of resting.
He scoffs and gives me a look that says of course not! I roll my eyes at him and turn on my side to stare at my little sister. Ellie reminds me of Lucy as she plays with her, behaving like a kid. I laugh several times along with Will who's watching as well.
"They're crazy!" I say to Will.
"Lucy or Ellie, I can't choose which is the crazier one. Do you see them?"
They are both screaming as if their lives were in danger. Poor James tries to distance himself but I know it's useless: even I, from where I am, can hear them, and it's piercing. James must have bleeding ears by now.
Our little group is reunited to have a quick snack before we go back to our camp. This time, Ellie and I are the ones to close the march. Will and Yann are walking side by side and don't appear to be arguing. Lucy has now decided to conquer James as she holds his hand and swings it back and forth between them, gabbing away.
"So," Ellie starts and looks at me knowingly. My brows crease in question and she continues. "What's up between Yann and you?"
Avoiding the question would be pointless. "Nothing's up between us."
By the look she gives me, I know she doesn't believe me. "I have been seeing a lot of him lately. Yann doesn't go out, usually. Even when I beg him."
I give her a weird look and refrain from rolling my eyes. "What? You're saying that he agrees to go out because of me?"
She nods. "That's exactly what I'm saying."
I scoff. "I doubt it."
"Then how do you explain his sudden desire to go out? Or the fact that he talks to his brother more than he's ever had in years now?"
"What?" I didn't know that Yann hadn't spoken to his brother in that long. "What do I have to do with him talking to his brother now?"
Ellie only smiles at me. "You're doing something here, Tracy. You're doing something to him."
I don't know what to respond to that so I keep quiet. Once we're back at the camp, Will prepares us dinner and I don't even really pay attention to what I'm doing. I could be eating milk-soggy bread for all I know. Ellie's words don't stop replaying over and over in my mind as I keep wondering what exactly I am doing to Yann. I remember him saying it himself. I don't like what you're doing to me. Thing is, I don't know what that what is.
As I lay in the tent a few hours later, sleep refuses to come. Insomnia seems to have become a friend of mine now as I lie on my back with Lucy clogged to me, her hair in my face. The more I try to push her away, the more she sticks to me. Sweat is running down my back, heat is gnawing at my skin, discomfort settles within me.
I refrain a groan as I sit up abruptly, making Lucy fall off in the process. She only mumbles complaints in her sleep but doesn't wake up. I shoot out of the tent, wondering how everybody else can be so comfortable. I walk away from the camp and into the woods and find a rock to sit on.
My phone in my hands, I decide to check the time. 00:36am. I notice at the top of the screen missed calls from my mom four hours ago. I probably would've never seen them until next morning.
"Why are you up so late?"
I roll my eyes but smile nonetheless as I leave the camp behind me. "Hello to you, Mom. How are you?"
Before she greets me back, she complains about how kids nowadays need to be more responsible. "I'm fine, honey." She breathes at last, "I saw Lucy in your video. I've never seen a kid so full of energy," she laughs.
"Yeah, I know. She's having fun."
"And Matt?"
I'm surprised she remembers Matt. Mom is one to forget the things that don't really matter to her. As we keep talking, I find myself a nice spot to sit, totally at ease now. The conversation flows, touches any meaningful topic, is vivified by small laughter, and my heart swells with contentment.
"Mom?"
"Yes?"
"I'm happy to hear you. It feels nice."
She stays silent for a while, her breathing faint in my ear. Then, "I'm happy to hear you, too. I know I haven't–"
"It's okay. It doesn't matter anymore. Just promise that you'll give Lucy more time."
"I promise." And as we disconnect the call, I know she's true in her words.
I stare down at the phone in my hands, smiling at the lit-up screen until it goes back to black. I breathe in the fresh air of the night and lift my head, closing my eyes. The air is much cooler here and inside of the tent and I decide I'll spend a little while out before going back inside. It feels good here.
Once the breeze is gone, I let my head fall back down and open my eyes. They fall into Yann's. He's standing there, looking at me. I only stare back for a moment, too surprised to speak. Then, he spins on his heels and leaves. His upper body clothed in a dark grey t-shirt disappears in the darkness of the night and I can no longer distinguish his silhouette.
I place my phone next to me on the rock I'm seated on. My legs in Indian style, my hands on my knees and my head facing skywards, I'm thinking. Thoughts collide in my head one after the other and I struggle to grasp one and think it over.
When I finally do, it's a thought I don't want to have. The one thing I most definitely did not want to be thinking of. I wonder why I recall Yann's body against mine with such precision, why my skin tingles where his thumbs were on my cheek, why I take deep breaths in every five seconds as the images flood my saturated mind.
I then realize I don't want to go to bed – rather, I can't go to bed – unless I have a word with him first. And once that realization hits me, I grab my phone and leave, run, fly back to the camp. Unabashed, I unzip his tent. I surprise him and he stays still for a moment. He recovers seconds later and throws away the torchlight in his hands and what seemed to be a book.
"What –"
I hold out my hand. "Come."
He looks down at my hand and back up at me. "Graham, this isn't –"
"Come." I repeat.
He takes my hand and I yank him out of the tent, earning a hard slow down! from him but it doesn't slow me down. I run with him through the trees, through the branches, never letting our fingers slip away from one another. The dead leaves and branches crack underneath our weight, screaming in the quietness of the night.
"Graham." His breathing is labored, his voice tired.
I bluntly stop and face him. "Do you trust me?" He catches his breath, looks at me as if I was crazy. "Do you trust me?" I reiterate.
I don't trust him to trust me. I do trust him not to say no, though. And whether his answer is yes or no, it will not change a thing. I'll still do what I am doing with as much selflessness and heart. My loony heart cares about Yann, despite his roughness and his words. I care about him.
I see his gaze fall down to our hands, to our bonded hands. When he looks up again, I know it. And if my heart could speak words, it would shout a never-ending melody.
Without hearing his answer, I begin our race again. It's crazy to think amongst all this pulling my hand is doing on his as we run, that I can feel him squeezing my hand. But when I risk a glance behind at him and catch a sight of his handsome face, I know crazy doesn't have a place here.
I stop running. I take hasty steps but at a reasonable pace, giving him a chance to breathe. I let myself drop on the ground and tug at his hand. He lets himself drop as well and looks at me.
"Where are we?"
I shrug. "It doesn't matter. I myself don't know. I saw it yesterday when we were climbing with Ellie."
It's a flat surface, a little like the spot where we've established our camp. Except this one doesn't have as many trees, the sky is open, bare to us. I lie on my back, urging Yann to do the same. Neither of us speaks. Yann, to my surprise, doesn't ask why we came here. He's silent. His palm is cold against mine in the cool air up here.
"You're not falling asleep, are you?" His words remind me of that night by the pool.
"I'm not." I assure him. "What were you reading?"
He hesitates a moment before he answers me. "Hugo. Ruy Blas."
"Oh," I say when I recognize my favorite work by Hugo, "earthworm enamored of a star."
I feel him shift next to me and turn my head to look at him. He looks surprised. "You read that as well?"
I nod, "I get my hands on whatever I can. It's my favorite by Hugo."
"What French author haven't you read, Graham?"
I think a little, trying to find a few names. "Well, those of the Renaissance, like Rabelais. It wasn't my type. But starting from classicism and till the 20th century, I read those authors when I have time."
He looks amazed, enthralled. "And Dumas? Have you read him as well?"
I nod. "Of course I've read Dumas. The Three Musketeers, The Count of Monte-Cristo." I say, recalling how Dumas's writing style left me speechless.
And he lays back again. I wait for him to ask why we are out here but he doesn't. Instead, after a few instants of stark silence, he says, "Earthworm enamored of a star."
He's staring at the sky, staring at the stars, him down on earth, and them up above the earth. "That's the sentence I will never forget in that play."
"Me neither. It's such a profound and realistic image to the reality of the story."
He plays with my fingers, twisting them around in delicate moves. "I've been feeling like him lately."
I laugh a little, wondering why he's saying such an absurd thing. "You're in love with a star?"
He turns his head at me. "Something close to that, yes."
I laugh again but stop when I see the earnest expression on his face. "Really? And who's the lucky star?"
He shakes his head at me. "It doesn't have to be a person, Graham. It could be anything."
"Okay," I cut him off, impatient. "What is it, then?"
He shakes his head again. "I said it could be, not that it was." When he sees me grimacing, he smiles with an adorable lift of his lips, those dimples slightly digging his cheeks.
"Fine, who or what is it, then?"
When he doesn't answer, I turn my head to find him looking at me. He smiles and says, "I'll tell you one day."
"Just not today," I sigh.
"Just not today," he repeats. Then after a few moments of silence, he asks, "Why did you bring me here, Graham?"
I absently play with his hand in mine, turning our palms over and over. I blurt out, "I love your hand in mine." Our eyes meet in the dark and I throw him a smile, "There's so much I love about you. I'm not even sure when I started noticing those tiny little things, you know?" Gosh, why do I keep talking. Just shup up already, Tracy.
He frowns at me, probably wondering why I am saying all of this. "Where are you going with this?" I can hear the apprehension in his voice, the uncertainty.
"This isn't a declaration of love, don't worry," I laugh and the crease leaves his forehead. "Or maybe it is, actually," I correct. "As friends." Because that's what it is, right? Me telling Yann I love him as a friend, right?
"We're friends now?" He asks and the amusement is obvious in his words.
"We are." I smile. I squeeze his hand and say, "And friends don't give up on each other, Yann. I said it and I mean it. I am not giving up on you."
He looks torn for a moment upon hearing my words. "I keep hurting you, Tracy." He avoids my gaze, as if ashamed of himself and unable to look at me, "I don't mean to. I don't want to but I find myself doing so nonetheless."
As he says the words, I understand and believe him, though I guess I already knew it. I get that there are two sides battling inside of him: the one who's been hidden all this time and is trying to get back to the surface, the real Yann, and the other side who's been dominant for years and wants to shut me out.
"I know," I say and his eyes snap back to me. I give him a warm smile keep my eyes locked on him.
And he lets his walls down. I see the moments his walls come down. His face crumbles and he swallows as if there's lump in his throat. He suddenly reminds me of a child pleading for something he doubts he will get.
He squeezes my hand hard, desperately and his words rip my heart open, "Don't give up on me, Tracy."
"I won't."
I squeeze back.
•••
My heart may or may not be breaking at this point. Is yours too?
Let me know what you thought of this chapter :)
Thank you for reading❤️