Chapter 7 - Is This Really Happening?
We go back inside shortly after that, but we only have a few minutes of peace, because then Vic’s phone rings again.
"Fucking hell," he mutters, pulling it out of his pocket and glancing at the screen. "It’s my brother. How much does it take to convince them that I’m fine?"
I assume that it’s a rhetorical question and shrug. Vic goes back out onto the balcony, and as soon as the screen door is closed behind him, he answers: “Hello?”
Pause. “What happened?” Pause. “Okay…?” Pause. “Just spit it out, Mike.”
And then: “What?”
There’s another pause, a longer one. “I…” Vic stammers out. “This can’t be…what do you mean, they don’t love each other anymore?”
I should probably go away, but I’m transfixed by what he’s saying. Who are he and Mike talking about? What happened?
"No," Vic says. "It’s been twenty-five years. It can’t just stop like that.” I can hear him growing more upset, his voice cracking a little.
"Fuck that," he says. "Fuck that!”
I can see him now, hanging up the phone and throwing it across the balcony. It hits the wall but doesn’t break. “Fuck that!” he yells again, and this time I hear real pain behind that voice. He ducks his head, his shoulders shaking. I can’t see his face, but I think he’s crying.
I stand, about to at least knock on the screen door, when he looks back up and sees me watching him. I barely have time to notice the tears spilling from his eyes before he shoves the door open and storms back inside, slamming it behind him.
"Vic," I call. "What’s wrong?"
He whips his head around. “Nothing,” he says, sinking to his knees. “It’s nothing.”
I run to him and kneel down in front of him. “It’s not nothing.”
"It’s stupid," he sobs, his head in his hands. "It happens to people all the time. I’m sorry. It doesn’t matter—"
"Vic," I interrupt, gently lifting his head up. "If it hurts this badly, it matters."
The scene is familiar, and so are those words. They’re the words Matty said to me when Jordan died, when I cried my heart out and then claimed it was nothing.
Vic takes a deep breath. “My parents,” he says slowly, “are getting a divorce.” His bottom lip trembles, as if he’s trying to hold his pain back.
I lightly brush away a few of his tears with my thumb. “Vic,” I say softly, because I don’t know how else to respond.
He stands up suddenly, pushing me away. “Nothing ever lasts!” he yells, slamming his fist down on his bed. “This happens all the fucking time. They’ve been married for twenty-five years. They can’t just stop loving each other like that!” He’s nearly hysterical, and it hurts to see him like this.
"Fuck everything," he continues. "When does anything good ever come from love? Never. I’m done with this. I’m done with all of this."
He heads for the door of the hotel room. I chase after him, but he just pushes me away again. “Leave me alone,” he demands, still crying steadily. “Please.”
"Vic, I’m not leaving you when you’re like this," I argue, fear creeping up inside of me at the thought of what might happen.
"Like what?" he snaps, furiously brushing away tears that won’t stop falling.
"Upset and not thinking clearly," I tell him, taking hold of one of his hands.
He pulls it away from me. “I’m thinking perfectly clearly,” he says. “I need. To be. Alone.”
Then he rushes down the hall without a backward glance. I chase after him, but he must be secretly an Olympic runner, because within seconds he’s gotten impossibly far ahead of me. The twists and turns of this hotel are confusing as fuck, and even when I take the stairs two at a time, I still end up losing him, so I make my way to the lobby and hope for the best. This proves to be harder than I thought, considering that I haven’t really been paying attention to which way I’ve been going and have no idea what direction the lobby is in. That doesn’t stop me from trying to figure it out, though.
I can’t stop thinking about what Tony said last night, about Vic being wild, about him being a hurricane. I can see it now more than ever, and that terrifies me. My heart beats so fast that it hurts, seeming to pump out panic instead of blood. Something bad could happen, it shouts at me. He could die tonight. He could drink himself to death.
I shake my head to clear it. I have to find him. I have to.
I make it to the lobby about ten seconds later. The lady at the desk is looking at me strangely, and I turn to her. “Did you see him?” I ask, hoping that if a hysterical Vic stopped by here, she’d remember him.
"The guy who was running?" she says, perking up in recognition. "Young? Tan? Crying, I think? I tried to calm him down, but he wasn’t having it."
"That’s him," I say breathlessly. "Where’d he go?"
She points to the front door. “Out there, to the right.”
"Thank you," I say. I push through the front door and turn to the right, continuing a search that is desperate and growing more hopeless by the minute.
—
I don’t know how long it’s been. All I know is that I’m roaming around the city, it’s now past midnight, rain is starting to fall, and I still haven’t found Vic.
My phone buzzes in my pocket, and I pull it out, hoping that it’s him. But it’s not. It’s my sister.
"Lily?" I say when I answer it. "What happened?" I know she wouldn’t call this late just to make small talk.
"I—it’s stupid, never mind," she says, but I can hear her voice cracking. It reminds me of what Vic said earlier.
"No," I say, continuing to scan the streets as I talk to her. "It’s not. What is it?"
She sighs. “I just…had a nightmare. I wanted to talk to someone who, y’know, understood.”
I slow down a little. “Was it about…?” I don’t dare say his name.
"Yeah," Lily replies. "It was about Ethan."
I almost punch something right then and there. Ethan is the reason her life nearly went to hell. He’s also another reason why that warning voice in my head, the one that tells me not to get close to Vic, exists.
"It’s not real," I say softly. "Just remember that. He’s never coming back."
"I know," she says. "But I’m terrified, Kell. I don’t remember what it’s like to not be paranoid that something like that won’t happen again."
I can’t help but feel sad for her then, because I do have the luxury of knowing what that’s like, to some degree. It’s what allowed me to start falling for Vic.
"It won’t happen again," I insist, but we both know that there’s always a possibility.
"I’m just glad that I have you," she says. "You’re the only decent person I know anymore." Then, without a warning, she hangs up.
I don’t even have time to slip my phone back into my pocket, because then it rings again. I don’t look at the number this time, figuring that it’s Lily and that she just hung up accidentally, but it’s not her voice that responds to my greeting. It’s Vic’s.
"Kellin," he gasps. "I-I need you to…to come pick me up." In that one sentence, I can tell that he’s drunk out of his mind.
"Vic?" I say, feeling relief wash over me at the fact that he’s still alive. "Where are you?"
He gives me a brief description of his location, which I can barely understand because of how much his words slur. Once I know where he is, I quickly end the call and make a run for it. As it turns out, I’m somewhat close to him already, so it doesn’t take long. He’s sitting in an alleyway with his back against the wall, hugging his knees to his chest.
"Vic!" I yell, rushing over to him. "Vic, are you okay?"
He gazes up at me, blinking a few times. His body is shaking, and he looks pained. “No,” he says, closing his eyes. “Why the hell is everything spinning?”
"You’re drunk," I tell him, reaching my hand out. "Come on. We’re going back."
He makes a quiet whining sound, followed by a choking sound that then turns into soft weeping. He reopens his eyes and takes my hand, starting to cry again as I pull him to his feet. He stumbles almost immediately, so I wrap one of his arms around my shoulders to steady him.
"It’s gonna be okay," I tell him, hoping that it’s true. His overall helplessness hurts so much to see.
"No, it’s not," he cries into my shoulder as I lead him out of the alley.
"I think we’re gonna need a taxi," I mutter, glancing up and down the busy streets. Now that we’re among the city lights, I can see Vic more clearly—his bloodshot eyes, his flushed face, the sweat glistening on his forehead. "Vic, listen to me," I say. "You’re going to be okay."
He shakes his head. “No. Nope. Don’t give me that bullshit.”
I’m about to argue when I see a taxi coming down the street. I wave my hand at it, and it stops on the side of the road, next to us. I breathe a sigh of relief and let Vic climb in the back first. Then I follow him and close the door behind us.
The driver looks back at us sympathetically. I think she can tell that we need this ride. “Where to?”
I give her the name of our hotel, and then she’s off.
Vic has his head on my shoulder. “It wasn’t bad at first,” he says to me. “It really wasn’t. I was having fun. I was happy. I forgot why I was even upset in the first place. But then it just…it got worse. And I…I fucking remembered everything.”
"It’ll be okay," I whisper.
"No, it won’t!" he snaps. "It won’t be okay. Everybody fucking hurts each other and leaves each other. You’ll leave me, too, just like everyone else."
I brush a few tears away from his eyes. “Don’t say that,” I tell him. “I wouldn’t do that. I’ll never leave you.”
"That’s what they all say," he whimpers, but he seems to be calming down a little.
At this point, the taxi stops, which is when I realize that we’re at our hotel. The driver tells me what I owe, and I dig the money out of my pocket and hand it to her before helping Vic climb out and then following him.
"Hey," the driver says to me. She nods to Vic. "Thanks for taking care of him. There aren’t many things worse than being alone and in that state."
I nod. “I, uh…you’re welcome.”
"Also," she says slowly, "I don’t know what your relationship with him is, but I just want to say…don’t make a promise unless you know you can keep it."
I nod again, though I’m a bit too distracted to think about what she means. “Okay.” Then I turn and head inside, still supporting Vic.
It’s the same lady at the desk, and she looks up when she sees us. “So you found him,” she says to me.
"Yeah," I say, guiding Vic to the elevator. "We’re good now."
When we get back up to our hotel room, Vic falls on the bed the same way he did last night. “Kell,” he says quietly, closing his eyes. “I’m sorry you have to deal with me.”
"It’s okay," I reply, taking his shoes off and tossing them to the floor. "Really."
"No, it’s not," he says, but he seems to be drifting off. "I’m sorry."
I stand over him and run my fingers through his soft hair. His breathing seems to slow down and even out, but even after I know he’s sleeping, I keep on doing it, resting my hand against his cheek. I can’t help it. Lily told me once that I’m too affectionate for my own good, and maybe she’s right. Maybe that’s why I crave his touch so much, why it’s so hard for me to pull away.
As I turn the lights off and crawl into my own bed, the taxi driver’s words come back to me—don’t make a promise unless you know you can keep it—and suddenly, I realize what she was talking about.
She was talking about what I said to Vic: I’ll never leave you. But in all honesty, I meant it when I said it. I’ve found no reason to leave him, unless he wants me to leave. I’m having trouble imagining us going our separate ways and never seeing each other again after this is all over. I feel like we have something, but it might just be me getting my hopes up.
And even if I do break that promise one day, Vic’s probably too drunk to even remember that I made it.
—
"Are you okay in there?" I ask the next morning. I’m standing in front of the closed bathroom door, and Vic is in there puking his guts up.
"Oh, yeah," he responds sarcastically. "Absolutely. Everything’s just fine and dandy in here. Fucking fantabulous." I can hear him heaving a little more. "You’d think I’d be immune to this by now."
"Do you remember what happened last night?"
He groans. “Somewhat. I was drunk and hysterical, I remember that.”
I take a deep breath. “Do you remember why you were drunk and hysterical?”
He sighs. “Yeah, I remember that, too.”
From out on the balcony, I hear a faint ringing sound. Vic’s phone must still be on the ground from when he threw it against the wall. “Your phone’s ringing,” I tell him, and he groans again. “I’ll get it for you if you want,” I suggest.
"Uh, yeah, that’d be nice. Thanks."
I rush outside and grab the phone off the floor—it’s Mike—before sitting down in one of the chairs. “Hello?” I answer. “This is Kellin.”
"Kellin? Where’s Vic? I’ve been trying to get to him all night."
"Uh, he’s in the bathroom, puking up three fourths of his body weight."
"Shit," Mike mutters. "Mind telling me why?"
"Hangover."
"Shit," he repeats. "How bad was it? Like…last night…"
Automatically, I make a face, though he can’t see it. “Well, uh…pretty bad.”
Mike sighs loudly. “I knew I should’ve waited until he got home to say something. Sorry you had to deal with that.”
"You know, you guys aren’t always gonna be around to prevent this shit from happening," I point out. "He’s gotta save himself, y’know?"
He sighs again. “I know. I just…get paranoid, I guess. We all do. Is he okay now?”
I glance over my shoulder. Inside, Vic has left the bathroom and is now lying on his bed with a pained expression on his face.
"Uh," I say. “‘Okay’ is a relative term, but compared to last night, yeah."
"Okay," Mike says. "Just, uh…make sure he doesn’t die, alright?"
I can’t tell whether or not he’s being completely serious, so I just say, “Okay.”
"Well, uh, thanks. Bye."
"Bye."
Most of the day is uneventful. Vic doesn’t talk much, which is something that I’m not entirely used to. He also seems worn out, tired, almost lifeless, which is something I’m definitely not used to. Before, he always had some sort of spark in him. But today, the only things I see that even resemble sparks are the ashes coming from his cigarettes.
"Why don’t you play your guitar or something?" I suggest, around late afternoon.
Vic is lying on the bed, staring up at the ceiling with his hands behind his head. He nods absently. “Yeah, that’s a good idea,” he says in an almost monotone voice, pushing himself up into a sitting position. “I think I’ll do that.”
That’s when things start to light up a little bit, penetrating some of the grayness that has been hanging above us like a dark cloud. Vic seems to lose himself in the music, even humming quietly as he plays, and for whatever reason, watching him is just so interesting.
At one point, he looks up at me, quirking an eyebrow. “Why are you staring at me?”
I can sense a blush creeping onto my cheeks, and I shrug, trying to act casual. “I don’t know. I like watching you play.”
"Why?" he asks, sounding genuinely confused.
I shrug again. “I-I don’t know,” I stammer. “It’s just interesting.”
After a moment of silence, Vic breaks into a small but clearly visible smile. “You’re cute when you’re awkward.”
My heart skips a beat, and I look away to hide my face, which is probably getting even redder. “I…what?”
Vic just laughs a little before returning his attention to his guitar. “We’re going to that club place tonight, right?” he says as he strums, starting to sound a bit more like his usual self. “To do the whole karaoke thing?”
"If you’re up for it," I tell him.
He looks up at me with an air of determination, of excitement. “Oh, yeah. I’m up for it.”
—
Vic and I know what song we’re going to do before we even get there. I’m not sure whether or not they’ll have it, but Vic is confident, the gloom from earlier disappearing faster and faster with every minute that passes. We’ve already figured out who’s going to sing what.
There are a decent amount of people here, but it’s not too crazy. I sit down at the bar while Vic heads up to ask for our song. Apparently, the karaoke doesn’t actually start until nine, and it’s only eight-thirty right now, but there are probably people who signed up before us.
Vic comes back and sits down next to me, smiling. “I told you so.”
I narrow my eyes. “What?”
"You thought they might not have it, but they did." He sticks his tongue out, just the way he usually does.
I roll my eyes, but I’m smiling. “Okay, okay, you win.”
He raises an eyebrow. “And what do I win?” Is that a suggestive tone in his voice, or am I just hearing things?
"Uh," I say. He leans forward slightly, and I want so badly to just kiss him, but instead I lean back and smirk a little. "Nothing yet. That’s only if you do a good job with the song tonight."
"Oh, I think I’ll do a fantastic job." Then his voice turns casual. "You said you can sing?"
"Uh, yeah," I say, suddenly feeling shy. "I’m not that great, though."
The playfulness is back in an instant. “I’ll be the judge of that.”
Sure enough, there are a few other people who go up before us when the karaoke begins. My heart keeps beating faster, and I think Vic can sense my growing anxiety, because he reaches over and squeezes my hand. That doesn’t really calm me down, though; his touch sends shivers through me.
"Wait a minute," Vic says. "We have to get a video somehow."
Shit.
"Are you gonna sit back here and take it?" I ask nervously. "Just let me sing the whole thing myself?"
Vic shakes his head. “I’ll find someone to do it. Hey!” He waves the bartender over, a girl with dark brown hair whose name (according to her name tag) is Tay.
"Yeah?" she asks.
Vic pulls out his phone. “Can you do me a favor and take a video of us when we sing karaoke? Don’t ask why.”
Tay gives us a strange look before nodding and taking the phone. “I promise I’ll give it back,” she says, laughing a little.
"Thanks." Vic flashes her his killer smile, and even though it’s not directed at me, I think I’m blushing because of it.
Finally, the moment of truth arrives, and our names are called. I’m nearly frozen, so Vic grabs my hand again and leads me up to the stage. I take one of the microphones and wave awkwardly. From the bar, I can see Tay holding up Vic’s phone.
"So, uh," I say, "tonight we’re singing ‘Grand Theft Autumn’—"
"Also known as ‘Where Is Your Boy’," Vic interjects smoothly.
"By Fall Out Boy," I finish.
A few people clap, and then Vic steps forward, quietly starting it out: “Where is your boy tonight? I hope he is a gentleman…”
“And maybe he won’t find out what I know,” I add. “You were the last good thing about this part of town…”
Then the music comes in. Vic turns to me and nods ever so slightly, causing my anxiety to melt away.
Vic sings the first verse in an octave higher than I’ve ever heard him sing before, and he does it perfectly. Just as I’m busy thinking that I’ll never match up to him, he glances at me expectantly, which is when I realize that it’s my turn.
“You need him, I could be him,” I jump in, pressing my hand against my chest because I’m not quite sure what to do with it. I try not to focus on Vic watching me as we switch into the chorus and he adds his voice to mine.
I sing the second verse alone, and it’s only when Vic takes over the pre-chorus that I let myself look at him again. He’s staring at me even as he sings with an expression on his face that I can’t read.
Focus, Kellin, I tell myself. Stop thinking.
With that, I manage to shut my brain up and just sing the rest of the song with him. As we finish it off and the last note plays, Vic smiles widely and takes my hand. The brightness is back, showing no sign that he was a broken-down wreck less than twenty-four hours ago. He leans forward, raising his eyebrows, and I find myself thinking, Oh my God, you’re fucking beautiful. You’re fucking amazing.
"So, Kellin," he says quietly, a smirk playing upon his pretty lips, "did I do a good job?"
—
When we get home, Vic pulls out his phone and says he’s going to go upload the video to YouTube. I head out onto the balcony, which is where I call Lily to tell her something. She answers on the second ring. “Hello?”
"Hey, Lily, guess what?"
"Oh, no," she teases. "What?"
"Well, uh…remember when I told you I was going to San Diego, and you and I started coming up with ideas of what might happen there?"
"Uh, yeah," she says slowly.
"Remember how we joked about me singing karaoke?"
She starts laughing. “Oh my God. Did you actually do that?”
"Yep."
"Oh my God, Kellin. Alone?"
"Uh, no," I say. "A friend sang with me."
"A friend? I thought you went by yourself for your little vacation."
"I did," I reply. "But, um…well, I met a guy. A, uh, a new friend."
"A new friend,” Lily repeats.
"Yeah," I say, smiling. "He’s, uh…his name’s Vic, and he plays the guitar, and, um, he’s got a really nice voice—"
"You’re in love with him, aren’t you?"
I bite my lip. “Absolutely not.”
She snorts. “Please. I’m not stupid. Did you even hear yourself?”
I laugh awkwardly. “You’ve got it all wrong, Lil. I’m not—”
"Sure you’re not. And the sky is green."
I sigh. “Okay, I admit it. So maybe I kind of have the hots for him. Happy?”
"Somewhat. Just…be careful, okay?"
"I will. Bye, Lily," I say, before hanging up and heading back inside.
Vic is lying on his stomach on the bed, flipping through TV channels. “Hey,” he says, looking up at me and smiling. “So I got the video uploaded. ‘Kellin Sings Fall Out Boy in Colorado Springs’. Now we just have to wait.”
"Uh…okay," I say slowly, unable to say anything else because I’m too busy staring at him and thinking. Fuck.
Lily’s right. I’ve got it bad.
—
what is it with me and making them sing karaoke