I groan as I sit up, mainly because I won't be getting any rest with my mind sparked back to life. Another look at Petra shows she is not aware I am still awake, eyes dull and distant with a limp face.
Grumbling to myself, I admit she's right. As much as I hate to think it, none of us had any clue that Jesse was like this. That day after day he was suffering, and we all did nothing except push him harder.
My fists curl and anger starts to bubble in my chest. Forcibly, I take a few deep breaths. Unwarranted anger does no good. It didn't help anyone in Soren's fortress and it would be ten times worse now. Just deep breaths, deep breaths.
That doesn't stop all the irritated thoughts though. My fingers restlessly tapping against the bed as I try to contain the bickering inside my mind.
Jesse should have told us, we would have helped him if we knew. No, I shouldn't blame him. We were the ones who kept expecting things from him. Wouldn't it been nice though if no one kept secrets? Petra wouldn't have blown up and Jesse wouldn't be so shattered.
"Come on Petra, we shouldn't be thinking about this stuff. We can't change it and it's quite frankly exhausting."
She sighs, eyes drooping. "I know the past's in the past kinda thing. But I just can't help but think... am I a bad friend?"
"Of course not." A sad smile twitches my lips upward. "Jesse's just too good of one. He'd rather take everything himself despite the consequences than let us go through one."
Muscles all over me tighten, my ears going deaf to Petra's words. How come I didn't think of that earlier? I had plenty of time this morning. That must be the foundation for everything, it has to be. I've never felt such a strong certainty about something before.
Although what can we do to tame Jesse's selflessness? Do we even now the extent of it? Like, we've been in that hallway for weeks and never noticed a thing. Since Jesse's done a fine job of acting so far, I wouldn't be surprised if he had other demons locked away in his head.
There definitely has to be something else. Selflessness alone shouldn't have him turn away his friends, at least not when Jesse's going on about teamwork all the time. Something else that forces him not to say anything.
Do I know what Jesse was feeling back when Petra yelled at him in the hallway? I thought I already thought about this, but I guess not. Why did I allow myself to get distracted when this is clearly something super important?
I don't remember precisely what Petra said to Jesse, I was more focused on calming them down. But the general tone of her voice was anger, and she kept letting that burst out about how terrible all this portal jumping was.
No one ever likes to get yelled at ever. But I don't remember her exact words well-
"Lukas!"
I blink rapidly, my eyes locking back onto Petra. Emotion is finally in her face again, the negative one of anger.
"Were you not listening to me!"
It's more of a statement than anything, I was clearly not listening at her whatsoever. It was probably her opening up or something that I really should have paid attention too. Petra's anger though might be punishment enough.
"Okay, no. But I'm pretty tired, I'm just kinda drifting between being awake and not. Please don't take offense."
She nods as she leans up against the wall, at least she doesn't look angry anymore. "Yeah, I get it. Everything's been kinda hectic hasn't it?"
I huff, rolling my eyes. "I'd even take another fire world over this."
Petra lightly chuckles, eyes now drowning in sadness. "You and me both. Fire is so much simpler than redstone. I don't think I'll ever be able to handle this stuff again."
"Really?" I raise an eyebrow at her, humor masking my whirlwind of thoughts. "Olivia's going to be so heartbroken though."
"Well I- I don't know what I'll do." Petra grins, moving her arms in thought. "Y'know, I'll be the one who... inspects her work. Make sure she's not building another P.A.M.A. or anything."
"Please, if Olivia even gets the thought of building anything even closely related to P.A.M.A. we'll all be on top of her before she can even process it."
Petra's grin falls flat, eyes sinking by down in her sadness. "I wonder what she's doing right now, Axel too. There isn't any clue where we went or what happened to us. We just kinda vanished."
"I-I-" I sigh, slouching when heavy thoughts come crashing back down on me. "I can only take one thing at a time. I feel like my head's going to burst if I try to shove anything else in it."
"Aww come on," Her voice becomes light again, but to me, she still looks stamped out. "You're Lukas, the guy who overthinks everything."
Bitterness flows out of me before I can stop it. "Yeah, and that glorious ability cost me sleep last night. I've never been so tired and unable to sleep before."
Petra coughs, looking away. "We've gone days without sleeping before."
"But that was different." I know I should stop this bitterness, but it's so huge. A rampant wave flooding out of me. "We get burned to smithereens, which is when we should have stopped to rest, but no. We go through another portal, lose Jesse within the first hour of being here, and somehow scrape by enough to beat a super computer! And to top it all off, we learn Jesse has some massive demons, you get injured, I can't even sleep anymore, and all of us plagued by some sort of emotional storm!"
I fall back onto the bed, sighing in exhaustion. That was terrible, just terrible. It didn't make me feel any better, I don't know how blowing up makes others do, and I probably just hurt Petra. Everything's all so tangled up right now.
"Better?"
"Yeah, thanks for letting me get that off my chest." How could I bring myself to be honest when Petra sounds so hallow again? What should I say? That I laid all of that on her for nothing?
"Have you figured out what we're going to do next?" My eyes flicker from the ceiling back to Petra. Her broken arm, mangled wild hair just barely being kept in by her helmet, and her lifeless face complete with shattered eyes. It really stings to see such a strong warrior in such a state.
"Well we have to stay put for awhile, maybe help them out a bit while we rest up." Why does my voice sound so distant? I barely even feel like I'm the one talking, just opening my mouth and letting words flow out without a thought behind them.
"But shouldn't we just get home? Harper said she can take us back to our world, we should rest there if we can."
I sigh, depressed by her desperate tone. "Harper said she could help us get back home, implying we still have to do something else before we actually learn what portal is ours."
"Like what?" My eyes widen, Petra's volume has sharply increased, her face now contorted in anger. "What else do we have to do to get back home? We shouldn't have to go through any more pointless adventures!"
"We probably need to get some unique artifact from another Old Builder, like how Harper had the Redstone heart."
Petra scowls, slamming her good fist in the wall. "Great! Just great! We have to deal with another know-it-all genius who is either in over their head like Harper or too stuck up to help us out."
"Just our luck right?"
She huffs, and attempted to cross her arms before letting them fall to her sides. "Sometimes I feel we're luckiest people that we're all still alive, but then I'm reminded of our painfully bad luck that lands us in these situations in the first place."
"Couldn't have said it better myself."
We stay silent for a moment, and I find myself rethinking about Petra's earlier question. What to do next? I gave an answer, but there are so many different ways to answer.
Like she could have meant what do we do right now? Do we sit here and do absolutely nothing as we rest? Or do we help but risk injuring ourselves even more and slow down our recovery but we don't have stew in restlessness?
Maybe Petra meant what we should to for Jesse. I mean, we clearly have to help him, but Jesse's always the one helping people. We don't know how to help him, and we do need to figure that out too. Perhaps that's what she meant?
And to both those questions I have absolutely no clue whatsoever. I'm so tired and wish I could just sleep, it pains me to even blink because my eyelids feel so darn heavy. But my stupid thoughts refuse to rest, running around and stamping out the rest of my energy. At least nothing hurts yet.
It would be nice to do some work then, distract my mind. Yet that's when my fatigue will rage out, and it's only a matter of time until my nervous system works again and informs me of all the pain and injuries that have been inflicted upon me.
Plus, Jesse could wake up while we're working and suffer alone again. I don't want to leave him, I never want him to be alone again. But even next to him he still might feel a million blocks from me, and I don't know how to change that.
He's always been there for me, I can't just walk away from him now. I just can't. Whatever Jesse's going through, I'll stand by him. He doesn't deserve to suffer alone ever again. I'll make sure of it.
I blink, once, twice, three times. I have that missing feeling, like something's just off. I peek at Petra, who is starring off into space. I look at Jesse, who hasn't stopped twitching feverishly. We should probably do something about that.
As I sit up, I check over on Ivor. That's what's missing, Ivor is now rubbing his eyes awake instead of snoring constantly. Is it bad that I kinda forgot he's here? I barely noticed his snores stopped. Well I just got other things, way too many things, on my mind.
"Nice for you to finally wake up Ivor."
Petra dully glances over at Ivor, puffing before gazing off again. Ivor just grumbles some drowsily something while I walk over to Jesse. I kneel down and now that I'm closer, his twitches look more flinches than anything. His face trying to be relaxed but the beads of sweat dripping down and flushed features make that hard to believe.
I check his forehead, it's pretty hot. I can feel his pulse hammering underneath his skin, which might be the sole reason for his high temperature. Jesse flinches again deeper into the bed, his face flashing pain before relaxing again.
Nightmare. Some no good nightmare is plaguing Jesse. If only I can reach into him and yank it out. Maybe this is why he's always the first one up whenever we rested in a world. Maybe this is why he somehow managed to wake up and not pass out on the way up that mountain.
And this will definitely be another reason why I won't be able to sleep again even though my muscles are completely willing to go limp at this very moment.
"Something wrong with Jesse?" Petra's words, laced with concern, still seem so empty. Lacking her usual energy when she speaks.
"He's having a nightmare." I turn back to her, Ivor also looking at me intently. "We should wake him up right? He's probably not getting any rest like this."
Petra simply curtly nods, but Ivor furiously bobs his head. "Yes, nightmares will ruin him even more. Best to wake Jesse now even if he still needs sleep."
I lightly shake Jesse's shoulder, only for a tremble to break out across his body as he flinches away. Face screwed up in what looks like grief before he relaxes again.
I shake him harder, almost lifting his shoulders up. This time blood shot eyes burst open, Jesse immediately bolting upright. Only to gasp and fall back down, weakly clutching his stomach as his eyes partly close in exhaustion.
I open my mouth to say something, anything that might help him, but I end up closing it. I just can't stop starring at his eyes, the tiny sliver of eye I can actually see and totally consumed by crushing sight of them. His eyes, they look ten times worse than Petra's. Dull and drowning in sadness, but also cracked into a million pieces. And they're so red, almost as if we never really disconnected him from P.A.M.A..
Petra kneels down next to me, her eyes now hard. "Jesse, what's wrong? Are you hungry?"
Jesse's only reaction is squeezing his eyes shut, panting harder. Petra glances at me, her mouth wrinkling as she thinks harder and harder about Jesse.
Again, I know I should say something, but the smiling woman I helped earlier pops into my mind along with Jesse's. Instead of shaking it away, I realize why they aren't that identical after all. Her eyes seem to glow with happiness, Jesse's eyes are just... seeing. There's nothing to them at all, like he's numb or frozen on the inside.
Jesse's eyes flicker open with a sigh. He glances at me before sighing again and frowning. I hear Ivor tap his fingers, hopefully because he's just thinking really fast and not being impatient.
"I'm sorry Lukas."
I gasp, shock, for the moment at least, washing away any fatigue. My brain stutters as I gape at Jesse, words bubbling out of me before I can properly think about them.
"F-for what? You've done nothing wrong Jesse, just rest. O-or maybe not, it looked like you were having a nightmare or something so perhaps maybe stay awake for awhile. Unless of course you really..."
I shake violently, now's not the time to ramble on. Gosh, I thought I grew out of that a long time ago. I must be really tired and out of it for that childish habit to spring back up.
"You shouldn't have had to carrying me down the mountain." Jesse gazes down in a false shame. "You should have been resting, and it looks like you weren't able to fall back asleep all because of me."
Self conscious, I rub my face. Is it that easy to tell? The woman earlier didn't tell. Petra didn't say anything. Ivor hasn't been awake very long but has been for longer than Jesse and he didn't mention it. It's not like I'm about to fall asleep this very moment.
"I'm fine Jesse, I was out earlier helping the town. It just wore me out a bit." That's exaggerating the truth by a lot, I'm practically loosing my head. Lying to Jesse, who solved the mystery of the White Pumpkin not too long ago, and rambling on without a care for the world. I shouldn't trust myself to speak anymore. I really need to keep my mouth closed.
Jesse just gives me this look, that look where I could feel my heart clench in my chest before it shatters. That look with a selfless soul still glimmering through such tired eyes, I could see how worn out he is by carrying that amazing soul of his. How trying to help others created demons that only whipped him as he struggled to rise.
I hang my head, too saddened too crushed by his eyes to be able to look at them anymore. I failed to see my best friend going the worst time of his life and I failed to help him. I...
I just don't know what to do. It pains me so much to see Jesse like this but I feel like there's indestructible glass dome around me. No matter how desperately I want it to break it won't. And I just have to sit there and watch Jesse suffer.
"Jesse?" Petra's voice, so dull and distant, even more than usual. "Is there anything you need? Anything at all?"
"I need you all to get some rest, you guys need it too." I sigh, wanting to sink further into myself. I can perfectly see Jesse worrying over us when he doesn't have the strength to. Knowing I'm being a burden but having no idea how to do anything about it.
"No no Jesse, we want to help you." Even Ivor is being more helpful right now than, a better friend than me. "Just say the word and we're on it."
"F-food would be nice." Finally, I mange to lift my head at Jesse's incredibly strained voice. "May-aybe water?"
Almost at once, to my great surprise, Ivor and Petra are out the door. Didn't they just hear how hard it was for Jesse to say that? Didn't they realize that Jesse really needed them to be here with him.
I look at Jesse, and recoil when he's already looking back at me. I blink and shake my head, I have to help him. Somehow I have to. I just need to figure out how to, anything to do for him.
"H-how often-ten do you get nightmares?"
Jesse's eyes fade, even the red veins too. He gazes over to the wall, sighing. I mentally kick myself, what a stupid question! I need to think harder about what I say, not just letting my mouth spurt out whatever.
"Every time I close my eyes." I, quietly, sharply inhale at Jesse's whisper, shocked at him opening up and dreading what he's about to say. "Always there, just lurking in the background. I'm always so helpless... so helpless to everything. Always... useless."
"No!" Jesse head jumps slightly, my emotions kicking my mouth into action before reasoning can start up. "You're not useless, you're not helpless, you're Jesse. You're Jesse, who persisted and saved the world despite the people around you falling apart."
Jesse's eyebrows scrunch up, mouth parted open, but I can't stop the words tumbling out of my mouth. "Our world would have been eaten if it wasn't for you. We all would have given up hope if it wasn't for you. You did everything that needed to be done and then some."
"I still lost Rueben..."
I grab Jesse's arm, as if to yank him out of a hole. "Rueben died for you and for the world. That little pig didn't jump into the Wither Storm with you because he wasn't scared. He did it to support you, to help save the world. Rueben didn't want you to be alone because of how much he cared for you."
Jesse weakly shakes his head, eyes glimmering with forming tears. "But look at us! Look at you! Look at Petra! We're the Order of the Stone but we look weaker than dirt. We should be home, and I wasn't enough to get us there. I wasn't enough to even keep faith that we would get there."
"But none of us blamed you!" My emotions boil within me, heart hammering, stomach churning, desperately clutching onto Jesse's arm. "We're just homesick that's all, we don't blame you. That was us being tired and grumpy, not being mad at you."
"You shouldn't be though!" Jesse's face scrunches up, eyes squeezed shut. "You shouldn't be tired or hungry or fed up with everything! You should all be happy!"
Jesse whimpered, the small sound stunning my heart into silence. "You all should be happy, you all deserve to be happy. But you're not, none of you are happy jumping through portals. I want you all to be happy, but I've... I couldn't do that."
"That isn't your fault-"
"I'm the leader though, it's my job to that. The job I failed."
"NO!" Jesse's eye pop back open, my heart pounding in fury. "Stop it Jesse! Stop blaming yourself! Blame the Old Builders for having no labeling system, blame Aiden for rushing into the portal in the first place, blame Ivor for even telling you about the temple, blame Petra or I for not slowing down and actually think about what we were getting into. Blame anyone but yourself because everything you've done was with the greatest of intentions. Blaming yourself on that is like trying to blame the sky simply because it's blue, it just doesn't make sense."
I let out a small breath, not wavering my stare on Jesse though. He's still looking at me with wide eyes. Eyes that are still dark, still swarming in depression, but looking a tad bit brighter. I'm not sure what my rant gave to him, but I really hope it gave him something to look at- something to hope for.
"Lukas," My fingers impossibly tighten their grip on Jesse's arm, he's not falling into darkness again. "You're ignoring so much, just brushing it aside like it doesn't matter."
I blink, spending a moment to think about what I've been ignoring. A wasted moment, there's nothing. I can't think of a single important thing that I'm ignoring.
"Nope, I'm not. I'm ignoring nothing. Because even with all the bad stuff you're thinking about, it doesn't change my opinion in the slightest. Nothing can. Unless you've murdered someone in cold blood when I wasn't looking, then maybe."
I smile, and Jesse's lips also twitch into one. Eyes just getting a wee bit brighter, almost unnoticeable but there. I can help, I will. I'm not letting go of him. If he's running from demons then I'd rather run with him than just watch. I'm not backing down, not now not ever.
Jesse's eyes droop, shutting close as his face relaxes. But only a second passes before his breath hitches and they spring back open. Jesse's lips tighten, but I can't see any changes in the drowsy eyelids. The eyes though darken in fear.
"I'm here Jesse, what's wrong? What's wrong?" I lean an inch closer to Jesse, not wanting to be away for a moment.
"I can't, I-I just can't-" Jesse shakes, voice quivering. Scared, I don't ever remember seeing him scared before. Horrified, sure. But never any fear.
"Hey, hey, I'm here. Just calm down, take a few deep breaths." Jesse nods, following my instructions. I don't once let up my worried stare, but I relax and breathe deeply along with him. After a few moments, which felt painstakingly long to me, he relaxes.
Once his eyes start to drop again though, he pulls them back up. Mouth tightening in effort to keep himself awake.
"Calm down Jesse, just be calm." His gaze, glazed over in exhaustion, flickers to me. "You don't have to fear anything, nothing at all. I'm right here Jesse, I'm here and I'm not leaving you."
Almost immediately he sighs as his eyes finally drop close. Not even a second later I see all of his muscles relax, Jesse's breathing falling into a peaceful rhythm.
I sigh too, feeling the emotions crash down on me. I'm somehow simultaneously hopeful for Jesse yet so nervous about seeing the demons in his head. I feel great that, even if just a little bit, I helped him. And I feel like a ton of bricks have just been dropped down on me.
Nevertheless, I allow my grip on Jesse to relax but I don't let go. I promised not to leave, I refuse to break that promise ever. Definitely not within the first few moments of making it. I know I can't physically be latched onto him at all times, but that's not now. For now, I just don't want to, I just can't, leave.
I've fought off my fatigue for hours now, I can do it a bit longer. Although it's curious, I don't really feel my emotions right now. They were so strong just a moment ago, wonder where they went.
I lift my hand up to rub my neck, so focused on moving the heavy that limb feels that I don't even notice my eyelids dropping down. A sudden darkness swarming my sight as my body slips from my grasp.