"Oh, what a shame we gotta pay for reality..."
-
Sometimes I get so caught up in my own thoughts, I forget to blink.
It's mainly when I'm thinking about drugs.
It's like my mind gets lost at sea with no anchor to hold me still. My thoughts drift and drift like wood caught in a tide. The horizon stretches so far, like a never ending plain, one that I could easily get stuck in forever. Sometimes I think if I could ever reach the end, I would fall off the face of the Earth.
I drown myself with thoughts about who I could've been.
It's amazing how one small pill changed everything. I swallowed the first one and sat on the bathroom floor, waiting to feel something. To feel anything. I picked at my black nail polish and wondered what it would be like. Wondered if it would make me tired - if it would make me feel wired. Then it came so quick. I didn't even remember feeling when it started. Everything slowed and my body felt like air.
I never felt the constant pressure in my chest until it floated away like the rest of my worries. With the pop of one pill, my problems drifted and so did I.
It was never the plan to do it again. I just wanted to see what Renee was constantly bitching about and what all the kids at school were raving about. It was curiosity that killed the cat, because one turned into two. When two wasn't enough anymore, I didn't even think about dumping five into the palm of my hand and washing it down with a drink. It came naturally.
Addiction came easily, and I let it happen.
When more than seven oxy's wasn't enough, I realized I needed something more.
Cocaine was never the plan, but neither was oxy.
The first hit I took was sloppy and inviting. I could feel it drip in the back of my throat.
The last hit I took was easy and revolting. I felt it as it cracked my bones.
And just like that, I could get lost in the sea of my thoughts, diluted with drugs and never-ending highs. They pass by like tidal waves in the color of regret and sorrow. I could get lost if I didn't keep my head above water.
Addiction was never the plan. But it happened anyway.
When I blinked, I realized my pen ripped through the paper. I lifted my head up from the palm of my hand and looked at the scribbly black circle I mindlessly doodled on the notepad.
When my thoughts came, they demand my attention.
I sat up once I heard footsteps trail downstairs.
Ian slowed down at the last step once he saw me sitting at the kitchen table. "Hey," He said casually before unbuttoning the top of his uniform while he made his way over to the fridge.
I couldn't blame his dull excitement with my unannounced arrival. It had been a few weeks since we'd actually seen each other, and our lunch break dates had ceased since then. I feel guilty admitting that it's mainly because I spend most of my lunch breaks with Lip. In his bed. I know it's shitty, but with everything that's been developing in my life, I find it hard to actually stop and look at my phone to send a quick text.
This whole "recovering-adult life" is actually kind of hard. Who would have thought.
I traced my finger around the handle of my chicken-imprinted coffee cup. "Did you just get off?" I tried perking up my voice so I didn't sound like a jackass, but instead I just sounded desperate.
It's been too long without my carrot-top.
I watched his back as he sniffed a carton of milk. He scrunched up his nose and put it back before grabbing a beer and shutting the door. "Yup."
I scrunched up my lips ad nodded. Yup, I deserved that.
Ian sat across from me at the table and pulled out his phone. I watched the reflection in his green eyes as he mindlessly texted someone. He didn't bother looking up when I cleared my throat to see if he remembered that I was still there.
Uncomfortable, I shifted in my seat and scratched the top of my head. I was never good at the silent treatment, or taking a fucking hint. Especially if it was coming from someone who held most of my heart in the palm of their fucking hand.
"How's work been?" My tone was hopeful and pathetic at the same time.
He stared at his phone with a curt nod. "Good."
My leg started to bounce underneath the table. I was growing desperate for a sentence. "That's great." There was a long pause. I awkwardly watched as Ian smiled at something on his phone. I needed something. "Guess what?" I waited for his response, which never came. "I saw Bobby Warren the other day."
His finger stopped scrolling and he raised a brow.
Got him.
"I guess his dad is in charge of the program Emmett works for." I shook my head. "Asshole looked like he saw a ghost when he realized it was me."
He didn't respond right away but when he finally did he exhaled and leaned against the table. "What are you trying to do, Cash?"
"With Bobby? Not murder him and go to jail, if possible."
"No." He motioned between us with his finger, "This."
I raised a brow, confused. "I'm trying to talk to my best friend?"
He breathed out a laugh. "Best friend? You haven't talked to me in weeks."
The conversation was taking a turn, and it felt like I didn't how to drive. I barely got my fucking license.
"Last I checked you were doing perfectly fine talking about this stuff with your other friends."
Jealous Ian was someone I never had experience with. It was always me and him, and we liked it that way. The only time we ever fought was when I left with a twisted head to a new state. He didn't deserve that then, and he didn't deserve this now. The only thing was, I didn't know how to control my attitude around something I didn't have experience with.
"Is that what this silent treatment is about? Andie and Emmett?" I kept an even tone, but I met his stance and scooted closer to the table.
He pursed his lips and shrugged. "Doesn't hurt to at least send a text every once in a while. You spend most of your free time with them that you don't even show up around here anymore."
I raised my brows and held up my index finger. "Hold on, you're mad at me because I'm hardly around anymore?"
He shrugged with a dismissive look on his face.
"Ian, when you were with Caleb, you were gone for weeks. You bailed on me countless of times to stay in with him, even on days when I needed you." It was a grudge that I didn't even realize I was holding until I said it. After the wedding, Ian became a recluse with Caleb. They went to baseball tournaments, the movies, dinner dates. I tried my hardest to be happy for him because he was happy, but there were nights that I spent alone in my dark state of mind while Ian lounged around with a man who wasn't even faithful. I know I should have been more supportive, but it was hard being alone after Lip left. Mickey was in prison, Fiona was running the diner, Carl was hanging around a fucking cop 24/7. It was lonely, and I felt like a burden to everyone, especially Ian.
"You can't blame me for making friends while you weren't around." I shook my head.
"And you can't blame me for being in a relationship." A flash of sadness flashed through his eyes at the reminder of his and Caleb's relationship, "By the way, where were you when Caleb and I broke up?"
It grew silent. We both stared at each other with mouths sewn shut from ignorance.
"You know, I can't even count on my hand how many times I was there for you when you and Lip were in-between your on-and-off again bullshit." His eyebrows bent in annoyance with each word, "You guys weren't even together half of the time and I was still there for you each time."
I looked down at the table. The pressure building in my chest tightened around my lungs. I wanted to cry and apologize for being the shittiest friend in the world, but the words wouldn't come out. He was right. I wasn't there when I should have been.
"The one time I need you, and suddenly your life comes together and you don't have time for me anymore?" He smirked and shook his head, "It's fucked up."
I didn't come here for a fight, especially not with Ian. I opened my mouth to apologize for being less than a friend, but he stood before the words could leave my mouth.
Without saying a word, redhead walked into the living room and grabbed something from the table. He squared his jaw with a stern look as he fiddled with the items in the palm of his hand before walking back to the kitchen table. Once he stood next to me, he gave me a pathetic look before dropping the items in front of me.
The four silver rings Vee bought me for my fifteenth birthday clinked against the surface of the table, and looked at me with disappointment.
"Found those next to Lip's bed the other night." He started to make his way up the stairs before saying, "Guess you have been around after all."
As I listened to his feet jog up the stairs, I closed my eyes and cursed at myself. "Stupid," I breathed before placing my forehead on the surface of the table.
My stomach tied itself into knots at the thought of Ian mad at me.
This definitely wasn't the plan.
-----
I almost burnt my hair off trying to curl it.
After Ian and I's minor dispute this morning, I walked my sorry-ass home with a heavy mind and twisty nerves. On the walk home, my thoughts drifted to dark places that weighed me down mentally. My heart wouldn't stop racing at the storm building in my stomach and it felt like I was going to be sick. I was lying if I said I wasn't angry. It didn't matter if I was in the wrong or not, whenever an argument ensues, I get defensive and the only way I know how to react is with anger. This year I've learned how to suppress it, but it only makes me feel more pent up.
I'm a shitty friend, and I'm angry.
Once I got home, I got a call from Debbie, inviting me to dinner at her new place, with her new boyfriend. Some guy named Neil? Apparently, Neil is Sierra's brother, which made the offer that less enticing.
It took a very long and awkward pause for me to finally agree. She said Ian would be there, and I took that as an opportunity to apologize.
I attempted to put a little more effort into my appearance and I didn't know why. Maybe it was my way of avoiding thinking about the anger I caused Ian. Or maybe it was because I was tired of looking like a bum six days out of the week. Either way, I ended up burning my finger and almost losing a strand of hair.
Once my lyft pulled up to my destination, I pulled the pad of my thumb from out of my mouth, where I was attempting to sooth the burn, and jumped out. Once the car drove away, I stood there and stared at Sierra's apartment.
I couldn't pin point what it was about her that I didn't enjoy. She was nice to everyone, including me, and she never gave me a reason to believe that she was a shit person. Maybe it was because she was so approachable and friendly? Half of the women in my life were either crazy or fierce. They'd call you baby one minute and slap you the next if you ever looked at them wrong. There's no way a girl like Sierra could be genuinely cool without some hidden motive? Right?
Or maybe it was because I watched her grind on Lip like she was trying to mark her territory.
Just maybe.
I shook those thoughts and knocked on the door and quickly fiddled with my fingers, waiting to get this night over with. The only reason I agreed to come was for Debbie, and of course, Ian. When she wasn't rolling her eyes at me, or constantly tearing me a new one because I didn't know how to properly hold Franny, Debbie made it clear that we weren't as close as we used to be. I think it's largely because Debbie's a new girl now and that thought terrifies me. I was never good with teenagers, let alone hormonal ones with Monica's genes. All that put aside, when she asked if I would come to her dinner at Sierra's house, I thought long and hard before agreeing. My relationship with Debbie was rocky but my relationship with Sierra was non-existent. However, even though Debbie scares the shit out of me, I'd walk on hot coals for her if she asked.
Love is weird like that.
When the door finally opened, I was expecting either Debbie or Sierra, so, when I saw Lip, I practically chocked on air.
I placed my hand over my chest and lightly coughed. This fool could take my breath away without even trying and I hated it.
"Hey." His lips lifted into a bright smile.
Once I cleared my throat, I smiled lightly. "Hey."
Before I could ask him what he was doing here, Lip pulled me into a tight hug and held me like that for a moment. Once I passed my initial surprise, I closed my eyes and basked in the small moment. Everything about it was warm and soft. Everything about it felt right. But when he pulled away, that's when reality hit me in the face.
I looked at him more closely and tilted my head, "Lip, are you...?"
He looked confused for a second before he caught on. He nodded, "I had a couple drinks with my friend at the Alibi, but I'm okay."
A couple? The boy smelled like a fucking distillery. I could practically feel myself growing buzzed just standing next to him. His eyes were bloodshot – a color I thought I forgot.
"You sure you're okay?"
"I've got it under control, Cash." His voice didn't waver or stumble. Maybe he was trying to convince himself that.
I pushed all the uneasy thoughts to the side. After the day I've had, I didn't want to get into it with someone who had been drinking. Especially Lip.
"I should really be asking if you're okay." He pushed his hands in his pockets and stared at me with pity. "You haven't been answering any of my texts all day."
I opened my mouth to respond but stopped once I saw Ian sitting on the couch. His glare cut through me and turned me to ash. His green eyes looked from Lip to me before he scoffed and got up. I swallowed the lump in my throat, "I was busy running errands all day with Andie. Didn't really have a chance to look at my phone."
The last time I slept with Lip was a few days ago, before the whole Bobby run-in. That was also the same night I left my rings for an unknowing Ian to find. An idiot move that probably cost me a friendship.
I wouldn't say I was ignoring Lip, but I definitely wasn't seeking him out either. What we were doing felt simple, but was far from it. We've only hit the top layer of our complicated relationship and I'm already going crazy from overthinking. And now that Ian knows somethings up, it makes me feel more inclined to run from my problems.
I may be sober, but I still don't know how to face my problems like a fucking adult.
Lip cleared his throat, "Well, are you free later tonight?"
Before a quick excuse could escape my mouth, Debbie popped up behind Lip and smiled. "Hey, Cash."
I smiled, "Hey, Debs." I pulled her into a hug, putting space between me and Lip. "Thanks for inviting me."
"No problem. Come on, help me set the table." She laced her fingers around mine and pulled me towards the kitchen.
I gave Lip a half-smile before gladly following the mini-freckled face.
As Debbie navigated us towards the kitchen, I waved at Carl, who was sitting on the couch next to Ian. Ian took a pull of his beer and glared at me, making my stomach ache. I put my head down and tried to ignore the pain in my chest.
"Cash, this is Neil." She placed her hand on top of his shoulder. Debbie's boyfriend sat in his wheelchair by the dinner table with Franny in his arms. Through his thick rimmed glasses, Neil scanned me up and down before staring at my chest. He didn't smile or grimace.
I shifted, uncomfortable, and crossed my arms. I looked at Debbie.
"Neil, one, two." She placed her hand on her hips and snapped her finger.
Neil shook his head and looked up at me with a smile. "You're kind of skinny, but you have nice hips, really compliments your figure."
My jaw slightly dropped at his honest comment. I looked at Debbie who just rolled her eyes. I stuttered, "Um, thank you?"
"Neil got brain damage after an accident he was in. He pretty much says whatever's on his mind now, no matter how perverted or inappropriate." Sierra rolled her eyes at Neil before facing me. "Hey, Cash. Debbie told me you were coming, I'm happy you could make it."
That makes one of us.
I faked a smile, "Thanks."
"Cash," Debbie motioned me to the other side of the table where she sat down a stack of plates.
I mentally thanked her for pulling me away from this awkward situation and got to work.
Once I finished setting up the table, I sat at the couch with Carl. He was staring at his phone with a gloomy face before I sat next to me and nudged him. "Why the long face, chump?"
Carl sighed and ran a hand through his hair. It was greasy, no surprise. "Have you ever regretted not getting back with someone?"
I raised my brow at him and placed an arm around his shoulder. "Tell me more."
"Like you were with this person, and they made you so unbelievably happy, and you would have killed for them," He smiled a little at the details before it slowly faded, "But it just didn't work out, so you had to break up?"
My eyes quickly glanced over to Lip, who was standing next to Ian near the front door. My heart jumped at the sight of his smile and the sound of his laugh. But when Ian caught me looking, my smile slowly faded and I looked away.
"I want to go to military school," Carl abruptly stated, the change of topic taking me by surprise.
I gapped at the boy, "What?"
"Dom's dad went and he said it was one of the most rewarding experiences in his life. I want that." Carl's voice still sounded dull with each word. He stared off into space and I knew he was getting lost in his thoughts.
"If that's really what you want, then that's great, Carl." I slightly bumped him. "Why don't you sound excited?"
"Dom wants to get back together."
"Dom? As in the same Dom who made you get circumcised and then gave you an STI?"
"She only gave me gonorrhea, not an STI," He corrected.
I blew out a quiet laugh and shook my head. Once I really looked at Carl, I noticed how tore up he was about it. His eyes looked heavy and his presence was tiring. If that girl were to ever hit him with a car, he'd somehow find a way to give her flowers and apologize for being in the way. If military school was what he really wanted, then he shouldn't let some bimbo stop him.
"Carl, does this girl really like you?"
He was quiet for a few seconds before finally answering, "I thought she did."
"If she really did, then you wouldn't even have to think about it." I bit my bottom lip and chose my words carefully. "And if she really did care about you, then she'd encourage you to do what's best for you, and if military school is what's best for you, then you gotta go for it."
Carl looked at me quietly.
I paused before saying, "Fuck Dom."
Finally, Carl cracked a laugh and looked at his lap. When he looked back up, he smiled. "Thanks, Cash."
"You're welcome, military-student-Carl." I smiled.
"Guys, time to eat," Debbie called from the kitchen.
Debbie and Neil sat at each head of the table, while Lip sat with Sierra and her son, Lucas, on one side. Somehow, I ended up in the middle of Ian and Carl. I could feel the tension radiating off Ian like a fucking stove on high. He didn't want me near him, let alone at this dinner. It took everything in my not to grip him in a hug and not let him ago until he forgave me.
On top of feeling Ian's anger melting through my skin, a sting of jealousy squeezed its way into my chest. Sierra scooted her chair close to Lip before asking him to cup up Lucas' potatoes. It was a small act, but I could tell it made me Sierra giddy with the smile she wore on her face.
I felt out of my element and drifting into a state of hostility and uncomfortability.
"Carl, can you pass me to the salt, please?" Ian raised his voice louder than he needed to, without looking in my direction.
Carl furrowed his brows and looked at the salt shaker that sat in front of my plate. He could easily grab it if he needed to.
I rolled my eyes, "Seriously?"
"Carl," Ian, simply said.
Carl reached in front of me, then reached even further to hand it to Ian. He shook his greasy head, confused by the unsaid conflict between Ian and I.
At this point, he was just being a fucking child. Talk about pouring salt into an open wound. Pun fully intended.
"So, Cash," Neil cleared his throat, "Debbie told me you were addicted to drugs?"
That took everyone by surprise.
Lip coughed on his beer while Ian quietly chuckled next to me. The air grew quiet and awkward while my truth hung out to dry for everyone to see. I shot a disbelief glare to Debbie.
"What? I just told him that you did a stint in rehab for a while." She shrugged.
"She also told me that it got so bad, you would've sucked someone off for a gram."
"Neil," Debbie glared.
"Debs," Lip scowled at his little sister.
"Yeah, Debs, what the fuck?" Ian defended. He still didn't look at me.
Debbie raised her hands in defense, "I mean can you blame me? We all knew she was into some sketchy shit." She looked at me, "Look, I'm sorry, but Neil is practically family now, so, I tell him everything."
I stared at the dinner plate in front of me and shook my head. The skeletons that hung in my closet were exposed and they were ugly. Considering I barely met Neil, and I hardly knew Sierra, being marked as the 'ex-addict' wasn't exactly a title I wanted advertised. There's a sense of pride in recovery, but the second that it's followed up with reminders of your past, it's almost like a slap in the face. You forgive to forget, but some will never forget.
"Debs, it's not okay to air out someone's shit like that," Lip whispered very loudly to her.
I shook my head, still looking at my plate. "It's fine, don't worry about it."
The whole kitchen was still quiet from sticky hostility. I wanted to crawl out of my skin and catch a lyft home.
Sierra cleared her throat, "Well it's great how far you've come. You're lucky to have people in your life who care about you so much. Including Fiona for letting you work at Patsy's."
I pursed my lips and nodded. Maybe her words were truly sincere, but they didn't sit right. With my addictive past sitting on the table for everyone to gawk out, her voice only sent me further down a dark path. I felt like I was going to be sick, but I also felt rage. I should have been pissed at Debbie for accusing me of turning tricks for blow, but if anything, I was more outraged with myself. I set this path for myself and this was what I had to deal with for the rest of my life.
I put this title on myself, and I had to live with it.
After an excruciating number of silent minutes, Ian said something about the biscuits and everyone started complimenting Debbie's food.
Everybody moved on from a sore topic, but I still felt like I was going to be sick. I looked up to see if Lip noticed the bomb going off in my head, but instead, he was smiling at something Sierra said to Lucas. When I looked to my right, Ian was staring down at his plate, trying not to look at me.
I felt unprovoked tears coming and I needed to leave.
I stood and threw my bag over my shoulder, "I'm sorry, Debbie, but I have to go." Before waiting for her response, I made my way to the door.
"What? Cash, I have a big announcement to make!" I could hear her call.
"Cash, wait," I heard Lip call after me before I slammed the door shut.
I didn't look back as I made my way to my apartment on foot. I needed to walk to clear my head. I needed to walk to cool off.
I just needed a fucking walk.
I walked for over an hour around the city, just getting lost in my own head.
What happened back there was a lot of pent up feelings on overload. With Ian ignoring me, Sierra trying to dry hump Lip, and Debbie telling the whole world that she thought I was a slut for drugs was just too much to carry on my shoulders. Not to mention the fact that fucking Bobby Warren was around, probably lurking somewhere in the shadows.
I had a lot to think about, and I could practically feel the stress eating away at my skin. My chest felt tight and when I was finally home, I actually cried.
My addiction was never the plan but it happened and I could never erase that. I also couldn't erase the way people viewed me.
-----
I was flowing down a river when a current swept me up.
Everything was passing me in blurs.
I reached to hold on to something, but everything I grabbed withered away. My fingers wrapped around a branch, which broke off and drifted to the bottom. My chest felt tight and so did my throat. I tried to scream for help, for anything, but nothing would come out. My voice was smothered. My head was in and out of water, with every breath of air growing thinner and thinner. My lungs were filling with water as I swallowed each breath. Underneath the water, I could make out faces. Debbie, Neil, Carl, Ian, Sierra. They stood at the top and watched as I swung my arms around, trying to make a break through. I reached for their hands, but nobody reached out theirs.
Their greedy eyes watched as I drowned in my own ocean.
My eyes started to drift close when something happened. A light glared through the blue ocean, almost blinding me.
Just as I was about to give up, a hand reached through my depths and grabbed ahold of mine.
I could see his smile through my ocean.
Once I broke through the surface, my eyes snapped open and I gasped for air. My hand landed on my chest as I tried to steady my beating heart. My eyes were still heavy as I tried to adjust them to the darkness of my room. I was awake, but it still felt like I was asleep.
A small yelp left my lips when I felt someone touch the top of my head.
"Shh, it's just me," Lip whispered. He stroked the top of my head until I sunk back into my warm sleeping spot.
My initial thoughts should have been to scream. I should have been terrified, but with my overwhelming desire to go back to sleep, and the sublime feeling of Lip's touch, I couldn't channel any of those feelings. I felt at peace.
After a few silent seconds, I finally managed to ask, "How did you get in?"
I was still dazed and half-asleep, but I could still see his smile. "Hiding your extra key under your welcome mat, isn't exactly a good idea."
My vision blurred as I felt myself drifting back to sleep. I wanted to ask about what happened after I left – if Sierra managed to make a move – if Lip was more than willing to accept it. "Lip-,"
"Hey, hey," He whispered in a soft tone, "Don't say anything. I just wanted to say I'm sorry."
I blinked long and hard, followed by a yawn. "Huh?"
"For the dinner. That shouldn't have happened and I should have defended you more." I closed my eyes and he grew quiet. I thought he was gone before he finally spoke again, "I'm also sorry I didn't follow you out that door."
My eyes felt like they were glued shut and I couldn't open them. Sleep was weighing on my chest and calling me back to my ocean. I mumbled something incoherently that I couldn't even understand.
"I'm sorry for everything," I heard him mumble before pressing his soft lips against my temple. I felt his lips hover over the tender spot, and I thought I could almost smell the faint scent of alcohol laced in his breath. He stroked my hair for a few more seconds before finally saying, "I'm going to make it up to you tomorrow. I promise."
"Lip," I sunk deeper into my sleeping position and felt myself reach for his hand. Everything was going dark and fuzzy.
"Shh, just go back to sleep, baby," I heard the faint sound of his voice soothe me back to sleep before everything went silent.
And just like that, I was out.
Our incessant need to be with each other was never the plan, but neither was falling for him.
-----
I'm sorry for all those who waited a century for this. It's been especially hard to update recently, but I'm going to try harder this week. Hold me to it.
Next chapter is going to be the cute ass chapter we all deserve, promise. :)
Please let me know what you guys think. Thank you for always being there.
xo
***song lyric: i love you, will you marry me - yungblud