"Love brought you here. If you trusted love this far, don't panic now." - James Baldwin
...
"So Alyssa. Now that we've covered a few things that can help you better navigate your trauma, tell me. How have you been doing lately," Roshini asked. I tucked one leg under me and sighed. "I've been doing okay. Way better than usual."
"Define 'better than usual.'"
"I'm less fearful when I'm alone and I've begun talking to my friends about what happened exactly and how I feel about it now. I'm not as guarded as I was before and I think that's doing better than usual.
"Okay," she said shaking her head, "And what about your husband, Kevin? How is he?"
"Um. I think he's okay. We don't really talk much like we used to since the incident. I---miss him," I said slowly. "I didn't think it was possible to live in the same house with a person, see them everyday, and miss them, but I do."
"What's this emotion that I'm getting from you? Tell me what's going on?"
"It's sadness. It's guilt," I said with tears welling up in my eyes.
"Okay. Explain that to me."
"We haven't been ourselves around each other since the incident. We have this mundane routine where everyday we wake up in separate rooms, we wait for one person to finish in the bathroom before we go in, we eat breakfast quietly, Kevin tip toes around me, because he's afraid he'll say or do the wrong thing. Now we're the polite couple who doesn't joke, or laugh, or touch each other," I trailed off.
"Alyssa. Don't shut down. Talk to me. What's going through your mind right now?"
"I want my bestfriend back." I wiped away a fallen tear. Realizing that I no longer wanted to discuss this, I stood up to leave. "I'm sorry. I need to go." I gathered up my belongings and moved swiftly across the room.
"Alyssa wait," Roshini said as I opened the door.
I didn't say goodbye or promise to see her next week. I just shut the door behind me. Needless to say, I didn't go back.
..
"Hey Lys. You decent?" Kevin asked as he peeked his head into the bedroom.
"Yeah. Come in."
Kevin walked in and sat on the edge of the bed. "I haven't seen you all day. I just wanted to see how you were. How was therapy today?"
"It was...okay."
"Just okay? Do you want to talk about it?"
"No. I'm fine," I reassured him.
We sat in awkward silence.
"So," I said trying to carry on the conversation, "how was your day?"
"It was cool," he replied and then the awkward silence resumed. "Well," Kevin said standing up, "It's getting late, so I guess I should get out of your way." He headed for the door. "Wait," I said from behind him. He turned around. "How about we...go out tonight. It's the weekend and I don't have anything to do."
"You sure?" He asked.
"Yeah. Why not," I shrugged.
"Okay. I'm in," he smiled.
"Okay. Then I guess we should get ready."
"Alright. Be ready by ten," Kevin said leaving out the door.
..
Two hours later Kevin and I had arrived to this new spot called "X." Thankfully we didn't have to wait in line, because Kevin knew the bouncer.
"Aye what's up Kev," he said dapping him up. "I ain't seen you in a minute."
"Yeah it has been a while," Kevin replied.
The bouncer looked me up and down. "Damn, this you," he said pointing to me, but looking back at Kevin. Kevin laughed. "Yeah. This is my wife, Alyssa." The bouncer, who I found out was later named Ricky, couldn't stop grinning. He held his fist up to his mouth. "Whaaat! Your wife! Wow! You gotta be something special," he said to me. The people behind us groaned. "We trynna get in. Can y'all move this family reunion along!"
"Aye! Chill out ladies! You ain't gotta do allat. Alright? Relax," he said to them. "You gon' get in." He dapped up Kevin. "Aight man. We'll be in touch. Y'all can head on in."
"Aight man. See ya."
Kevin grabbed my hand and led me through the club. "Where are we going," I yelled to Kevin over the loud music.
"What!"
"Where are we going?"
"Oh. I'm trynna find a place to sit down," he yelled back.
"Oh okay."
"Excuse me," he said to a young woman sitting on a lounge sofa, "is this seat taken?"
She looked up at him with a raised brow, never noticing me standing there. "For you," she said coquettishly, "no."
Kevin looked at me and chuckled. "Go 'head baby. You can sit down."
"Thank you," I said to him as I sat down beside her.
"Hol up. Hol up. That seat wasn't for her," she said catching an attitude. Kevin looked at her and laughed. "Yes it was. That's why I asked for it." The girl got up and walked away. "I'm sick of these niggas," she mumbled, "they got me fucked up!" Me and Kevin looked at each other and laughed. "Sit tight baby. Imma go get us something to drink."
"Okay," I said sitting back comfortably.
As soon as Kevin walked away a brown skinned guy walked up to me. "Damn," I said to myself. "It's too early for this."
"How you doing beautiful," he grinned. "Whatchu doing sitting over here by yourself?"
"I'm waiting for my husband," I said trying my best to ignore him.
"Well look no further cause you found him," he smiled.
I laughed. "Nah. I think you misunderstand me. "I'm married," I said holding up my ring, "and I'm actually waiting for my husband." I pointed to Kevin who was headed in our direction. "Here you go baby," Kevin said handing me a drink. "Who's your friend," he asked as he turned to look at the guy standing in front of me.
I looked at him and smiled. "Hm. That's a good question baby, because I sure as hell don't know."
The guy started to speak. "No disrespect man. I was just---"
"Leaving," Kevin interjected.
The guy said nothing and walked away.
"Babe you ain't have to go that hard," I laughed. Kevin grinned. "He ain't have to roll up on my wife either." I chuckled and took a sip of my drink. "Wooow. Did you really bring me Hennessy," I said scrunching up my face.
He laughed. "I figured you needed it. Now chug that shit so we can go dance."
"You always trynna get somebody drunk."
"Hurry up," he grinned.
"I'll only chug it if you do it with me."
"Aight. On three." He counted down. "One. Two. Three." Kevin and I quickly downed our drinks. "That was so nasty," I said holding my chest. "Come on," Kevin said pulling me up. I put my glass down and followed him into the crowd. We started dancing with each other and got lost in the music. We had danced through four songs before we decided to take a beak.
I grabbed Kevin's hand and led him to the bar. "You alright," he asked me as I sat down. "Yeah. I'm just a little warm," I said fanning myself. "Hey Benny! Can we get a water over here,"
Kevin said flagging down the bartender. He nodded his head. "Sure thing boss man." A few seconds later he handed me a cup of iced water. "This one's on the house," he winked.
"Thank you," I said just before taking a sip. The bartender turned to leave. "Mm. Before you leave," I said leaning on the bar and reaching my hand out, "Can we get a few shots of tequila." He raised his eyebrow at me. "Are you sure you can handle that gal," he said giving me a hearty laugh. "Stop playing with me," I grinned as I handed him my card. "Yes. I can handle it." Kevin put his hand up and pushed my hand away. "Baby I got it." He looked at Benny and nodded his head in his direction. "Put it on my tab."
He chuckled. "Alright. You got it." He poured ten shot glasses of tequila and divided them between Kevin and I. "Don't feel pressured to drink it all," Benny teased."
Kevin looked at me and watched me down the first two. "Damn baby slow down."
I grinned. "Are you gonna keep watching me or are you gonna catch up?" Kevin cocked his head back. "Is that a challenge? Wassup," he said sliding a shot glass towards himself. "Yes," I grinned. "Aight bet." He grabbed one shot after the other and swigged them down with me.
"Aye what up! What up!" The DJ said into the microphone, "Can we get all the couples out here on the dance floor! We gonna slow it down for the lovers real quick." All of the couples eagerly made their way to the middle of the floor. Luke James' "These Arms" started to play over the loudspeaker.
"Ooh! This is my song," I said as I started to sing along.
"I feel it coming on, I feel it getting strong and so hot in this room."
"Well let's go dance then," Kevin said standing up.
"Our bodies intertwine, a different kind of high baby, our love's inner pull."
"Okay," I said grabbing his hand. "See ya Benny," I said over my shoulder. He laughed and waved me away.
"So sugar tease me, please me girl, do what you do, I love the view..."
I placed my arms around Kevin's neck as we slow danced. I felt like I was in a scene straight out of a 90s movie.
"I just wanna kiss and touch and feel all over you baby, 'cause when you're in..."
Kevin started singing the words.
"These arms of mine
I hold you tight, every night when you're in...
These arms of mine."
The ambiance was sweet and everyone was feeling good until a fight broke out in the middle of the dance floor. I don't know all of the logistics, but somebody was getting cheated on. That much was obvious. Me and Kevin looked around and watched the scene escalate.
"This is why niggas can't have nice things," Kevin joked. Everyone around us laughed. "This must be our cue to leave," I said. "Hell yeah," Kevin added, "Let's get out of here." We left out of the club and caught a Lyft home.
Around 2:30 Kevin and I stumbled back into our apartment. "Kevin watch where you're going," I laughed as he bumped past me. I took my shoes off at the door and went into the kitchen behind him. He grabbed two glasses out of the cabinet and placed them on the stove. "You still drinking," I asked as I hopped up on the counter. He poured vodka into the two glasses and handed one to me. "Yep. And so are you." I took the glass from him.
I tossed my head back. "Oh I shouldn't," I grinned. He looked at me with a raised brow. "But I will," I said just before drinking it in one gulp. "Damn girl. You inhaled that shit."
"I'm just trynna keep up with you baby," I said shifting my weight from one side to the other. "Pour me one more," I said holding my glass out in front of me.
"Nah you straight babe," he grinned. "Your eyes gettin' low." I laughed as Kevin took another sip of his drink.
"Let me have yours Kevin. You don't really want it. You over there nursing that shit," I said trying to grab his glass from him.
He playfully turned away. "Alyssa you're drunk as shit," he chuckled. I laughed.
"This was your doing."
Kevin stopped what he was doing and stared at me for a moment. I cocked my head to the side and smiled.
"What?"
He stroked the side of my face. "It's nice to see you laugh. It's been a while."
I sighed and smiled at him. "It's because of you. You make me laugh." His eyes never left me. We were quiet for a moment.
"Um. Kevin listen," I started, "I know that I've been distant lately. I've just been trying to work through everything. I didn't realize how much time it would take." I was quiet for a few seconds. "I do love you, ya know? Sorry for not showing it lately."
"You have nothing to apologize for," he said stroking my cheek again. "You did nothing wrong."
I cocked my head to the side. "Why are you so good to me?"
"Because you deserve it and I love you," he said moving closer to me. He stood in between my legs. I ran my hands through his hair and watched him relax. He closed his eyes. "This is who we are," I whispered more to myself than to him. He stood there for a minute, not wanting to leave.
"Babe," he said to me.
"Hm?" I responded as I continued to stroke his hair.
He opened his eyes. "I think we forgot to lock the door." We looked at each other and burst out laughing.
"I'm rubbing your damn head trynna be sweet and shit and you thinking about the damn door. What the hell," I teased. Kevin chuckled. "Aye. Don't judge me. I'm a lil drunk."
"What a lame excuse," I teased.
Once we settled down from laughing I put my glass down and hopped off of the counter. "Thanks for tonight. I had a lot of fun." Kevin smiled at me and grabbed my hand. "Yeah me too." I held onto his arm. "I'm glad you holding my hand, because I ain't trynna fall," I joked as we headed out of the kitchen together. I stopped and looked at him. "We should probably get to bed. It's getting late. Plus you have that work thing later."
"Damn. You right. I forgot about that," he sighed. "With the way this hangover might be in a few hours, I might just call out," Kevin stated. I laughed. "Alright baby," he said kissing me on the forehead, "goodnight." He turned to leave, but I never let go of his hand. He stepped back and looked down at me. "I meant with me," I said moving closer to him and wrapping my arms around his waist. "I hope that's okay," I said just before kissing him. Kevin's lips came crashing down into mine as he walked me back into the bedroom. We fell back onto the bed and aggressively began taking off each other's clothes.
"Wait. Wait. Wait," Kevin said breathlessly.
I looked up at him. "What's the matter?" I asked trying to catch my breath.
"I just want to make sure that you really want to do this. We don't have to have sex if you're not ready."
"Baby nothing makes me more ready than what you just said," I said pulling him back down ontop of me. "Now kiss me before I start tearing up. You know I'm sentimental as fuck."
Kevin hovered over me and chuckled. "Okay," he whispered just as he leaned in to kiss me. I kissed him back grinning, my hands roaming around his body, my mouth hungry for him. "What do you want," he said roughly in my ear. I kissed the top of his shoulder and then the side of his neck. "What I want," I said in between kisses, "is to feel you everywhere." I reached down in between his legs and grabbed his throbbing sex. I slowly guided him inside of me. An involuntary gasp escaped my lips the further he buried himself inside of me. I pulled his body against mine and embraced every inch of him. For a moment our bodies moved in a syncopated rhythm, like music. We were unexpected and wonderful. I held his face in my hands and watched his expression change as his body began to move in sync with mine. I kissed him, both softly and long, gently tugging on his bottom lip. Kevin slid the palms of his hands over mine and interlocked them, raising them above my head. He playfully nibbled on my neck and whispered something in my ear that made us both laugh. His lips traveled from my navel to my chest, from my chest to the peak of my breast, to in between my thighs and back up again. I wrapped my legs around Kevin's waist and panted and moaned and damn near cried as we came together.
I clung to his body for a while as neither of us wanted to let the other go. While we laid there relishing in the moment Kevin kissed my face profusely. "I've really missed you," he said.
"I've missed you too," I said sliding my body further down his. I looked at him real good, studied him in fact, and then ran my thumb back and forth over his lips. I scooted closer to Kevin and kissed him slowly as if time was only ours to share. My leg rested over his body and my arm hugged him around his waist. Kevin pulled the covers over our bodies. He laid my head on his chest and gave me a forehead kiss. "Let me hold you tonight." I cozied up to him. "Goodnight baby."
"G'night."