Outside Of Blue Base
To the blues, standing in front of Tucker abomination.
Church: So this is it, Tucker. This is your little monstrosity. Your little abomination of nature.
Tucker: Uh, what do I do?
Church: Why're you asking me?
Tucker: I don't know how to be a dad. This isn't the way I planned it.
Wade: You planned on being a dad?
Tucker: No no, I mean I always wanted to have the ideal father-son relationship. You know, where I see him for like eight hours every other weekend and send cheques to some woman I hate.
Wade: That's what you always wanted?
Caboose: It's emotional conversations like this that make me miss my mom.
Church: Alright look, let's leave these two alone. Let 'em do a little bonding.
Tucker: Hey don't leave me here with him, what'm I s'posed to say?
Caboose: Ask him if he likes baseball.
Wade: It's an alien baby, Caboose.
Caboose: Ask him if he likes T-ball.
Church: Alien, Caboose. Alien was the key word in Wades sentence.
Tucker: Seriously, don't go. I don't even know where to start.
Wade: He's your son, surely theirs something you guys can bond over.
Church: Besides the fact, he's part of an alien race whose only purpose seems to be to tell huge, grandiose lies to people, so that they can seduce them, and then impregnate them. So, why don't you start with that? You know, common ground.
Tucker: Yeah I think I'll just stick to baseball.
Caboose: Tell him about how his dad got to third base with you.
Church: Caboose!
Wade: I guess his dad did get a home run with you.
Church: Don't you start to Wade!
Sarge Grave
To the reds, standing in front of Sarges grave.
Grif: So how much oxygen do you think Sarge has in his suit?
Simmons: Oxygen?
Grif: Yeah, you know, to breathe and stuff.
Simmons: Oh, you know, probably like three hours depending on his level of activity.
Leo: Let's just hope in those three hours, he changes his mind about this.
Grif: And he is buried six feet underground. I don't think he's got much chance for activities.
Simmons: Well, I don't think you guys had an authority.
Leo: Authority?
Grif: We didn't even use a coffin, we just threw a buncha dirt on him.
Simmons: No; I threw a bunch of dirt on him. Leo just stood by watching, while you two only pretended to help and made a bunch of digging noises with your mouth!
Leo: I wasn't going to help bury, Sarge!
Grif: (To Sister) You know that trick?
Sister: I learned from the best!
Simmons: Well, as your new Commander you three are gonna learn a little discipline. And we're gonna start by running laps around the base. Sister, you can do girly laps.
Leo: Since when did you become leader?
Simmons: As Sarges third in command, I believe it's best if I'm the leader.
Leo: I'm second in command, remember.
Simmons: ....Weeell, that was for Sarge and he isn't here anymore! Now, start running!
Grif: You mean after we dig up Sarge.
Simmons: (drawing a shotgun) No I mean right now, Grif.
Leo: Where did you get that? I thought Sarge, took it to the grave with him?
Simmons: I took it, when we covered his head up.
Sister: What're girly laps?
Grif: Hey, Simmons? I don't think Sarge is gonna like you picking up his shotgun.
Simmons cocks the shotgun at Grif.
Leo: Simmons, I don't think Sarge, is going to like you threatening Grif with it. ...Well okay, he might like that part.
Simmons: As the new leader, what I say goes. So everyone needs to start running, right now.
Grif: But what about Sarge?
Simmons: You heard what Command said. Sarge is dead. He died of... what'd he die of?
Sister: Aspirin overdose.
Simmons: See, Sarge is dead of a- an aspirin overdose? Really?
Sister: I know! I didn't think it was possible. And trust me, I've tried.
Leo: I just going to pretend I didn't hear that.
Grif: Guys, don't be stupid! He's not dead, he's just lying underground covered in dirt.
Simmons: If I say he's dead, he's dead. I'm the leader! Me! And being the leader means you have to make tough decisions. Like, just for talking back, you can't do girly laps.
Leo: Simmons, you've gone mad with imaginary power!
Simmons: Uh hoh hoh, on the contrary. I think I've gone blind with very real power.
Sister: Seriously, what the fuck are girly laps!?
Simmons: All three of you, shut up. You're running. I'm calling Red Command for confirmation.
Sister: Why're you calling Red Command?
Simmons: For con-fir-mation. Stop asking questions.
Sister: You keep talking about them. Why don't you call our guys?
Leo: Our guys?
Sister: Yeah, the Blue guys.
Simmons: Excuse me, the whazzawha?
Sister: The Blue guys. The guys that sent me here. In the big ship.
Simmons: Grif?
Grif: Uhh, yeah, this might be a bad time to bring up the fact that my Sister is colourblind.
Simmons: WHAT?!
Leo: (Sighs) Seriously!?
Sister: (whispering to her brother) I don't get it, what's the grey guys so upset about?
Simmons: But girls can't be colour blind!
Sister: Yeah? Well they say girls can't ejaculate either. But guess what!
Grif: Yeah! Wait what!?
Leo: No one wants to hear that.
Sister: (To Leo) I can always give a 'demonstration' of it.
Leo: (Blush) No thanks!
Simmons: I can't believe it. With such a simple espionage plan the Blues have decimated our forces. Quick quick, get me a shovel! Uho, Sarge is gonna be pissed!
Grif: Hey, Simmons, if she's not here for Sarge, who the hell is she here to replace?
Leo: The blues did mention someone died on their team.
Underground Cavern
To Donut in the underground.
Donut: Ohh, ohh, uh- Uhhh, ohhh. Uhhhhh. What happened? Where am I? (Sees Tex and Church, old body's on the ground) Oh, maybe they know. But it might be rude to wake them up. I'll just wait here a while. (random tune humming)
The End
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