I tear my eyes away from Yann and imagine he just didn't say that. It's not going to change anything, it's not going to change the way I feel about him. I realize then that today is one of his bad days, when he doesn't believe in what I do.
I'm still on the couch when Lucy looks up at me, undeniably in search of tears on my face but I don't give her this pleasure. She grimaces in annoyance and gets up from her seat on the floor. "Trying to be strong." She mutters under her breath before grasping a sandwich. "She did cry for The Fault In Our Stars," Lucy announces to everyone and leaves the room.
I watch her leave as I glare holes into her back.
"Hey, Tracy," Ellie calls to me as Bea Miller's Brand New Eyes starts playing with the scrolling cast. "What was that quote you used last time to define TFIOS?"
"Oh, yeah," I answer after a moment when I remember, "it was um... death is a tyrant that spares none."
"Yes, that one. I don't –"
She's cut off by a curt voice. "It's, love is a tyrant that spares none."
I turn my head to find Yann frowning at me. He's still sitting at the very same spot on his chair. His opened legs support his hunched torso as he leans his elbows on his knees. His facial features are expressing stark disgust as if my words were sacrilegious.
"I do know the actual quote. It's by Pierre Corneille from –"
I'm rudely caught off, but this time, by a lightly surprised voice coming from Yann. "Le Cid."
For a few seconds, no coherent thought can form in my head. I am surprised – to say the least – that he of all people likes French literature. The thought makes me happy. Maybe I am simply happy for nothing, maybe Yann doesn't even read French literature that much.
But the moment the thought crosses my mind, I am proved wrong.
"Tracy loves French literature," Lucy declares as she reappears in the room, always eavesdropping. I stare at the tonguey little thing, irritated. But she speaks again before I can, "You like it too?" She questions Yann.
He gives her a brief look before his eyes settle on me. "I love it."
And before I can say anything, Lucy pipes in, "Thank you everyone for coming," she beams at each and every one of the boys, "now I'm going to bed." And she runs up the stairs.
"You haven't showered yet!" I scream at the top of my lungs but only the slam of the bedroom door answers me.
Ellie chuckles and shakes her head. Just then, James gets up and helps Ellie clean the mess we've made. I see Will drag Yann apart so I go help the lovebirds before me. We dump the trash in a can and put the dirty dishes in the sink. "Tomorrow," Ellie says dismissively with a wave of her hand towards the dirty plates.
When the three of us get back to the living room, Will and Yann are done talking. Will walks to us and kissing Ellie and me on the cheeks, thanks us for the movie night. James does the same, only he gives a lasting and longing look in Ellie's direction. Behind him, I see Will rolling his eyes and I wonder what his deal is. As James leaves with a bye, he makes sure to stay as far away from Yann as possible as the latter shoots daggers at him. I still wonder what it is that James said that created such an animosity between the two of them.
Will walks past Yann and pats him on the back, "Come on, buddy, let's go."
Ellie walks to Yann and kisses him on the cheek. She murmurs something in his ears and while she does, I see his eyebrows shoot up as his eyes fall on me. I frown at that, wondering what Ellie just told him.
They pull away but he doesn't take his eyes off me. He only nods my way then starts walking out the door. At the last second, he stops and slightly cranes his neck to the side. "Distorting a quote is tainting its beauty."
I raise an eyebrow in question though he cannot see it. Thinking he's quoting another French author, I ask, "And who said that?"
This time, he turns his upper body so I can fully see his face. "I did."
And he walks out the door.
Ellie closes the door behind him, resting her back against the wood. She has a small and satisfied smile on her face.
"What?" I ask but her smile only turns a little wider. "What did you say to Yann? Was it about me?"
She pushes herself off the door at last and comes to stand in front of me. For a moment, she only looks at me and I can tell she wants to say something. But all she does is hug me. "I love you, Tracy Graham. You know that?"
And before I can say anything else, she disappears up the stairs.
What was that about?
***
I love to take the time to stop and forget about my surroundings, forget about the world for a moment and just be. In those moments, I look deep inside of me, I dig out buried questions and thoughts and I take the time to ponder them and try to find answers. I close my eyes, and there starts the introspection. My thoughts and feelings are perfectly laid out before me and they can't escape me anymore. Or maybe, I can't escape them anymore.
I think about Yann for a moment. About how he's started opening up a little bit though I still don't know more about him than I did three weeks ago. I can already feel time closing in on us. I know I told him I wasn't going anywhere – and I meant it – but summer is coming to an end and in three weeks, I will be gone. He doesn't have a phone and I wonder if he's got any means for me to keep in touch with him. I'll ask.
"Agitated?"
Will's deep timber rings right in my ears. Startled, I open my eyes and let go of my thoughts. Looking around, I notice that the sun has moved a little more to the west, ready to set in a few more hours. A beautiful Sunday sunset.
Images of Yann leave my mind. Long, dark ebony hair. Beautiful blue eyes. Sharp, defined nose. Prominent cheekbones. Dense beard. Scary face. Caveman style. They all float away as Will speaks again.
"Stop thinking, I said," Will speaks again. I turn around to face him. His usual playful demeanor is replaced by a concerned one. "What's wrong?"
Nothing's wrong, really. Aside from Yann, everything's fine with me. "So, you sorted things out with Yann," I say as I think of the pat Will gave Yann yesterday before they left after the movie.
Will props himself up on an elbow. "Not really, but I'm no longer dying to punch him in the face."
I smile at him. I think of something and I share it with Will, "I'm wondering why Lucy seems to be fond of Yann so much."
I wonder why she seems to like him that much. He's nice, she had said. In her young innocent mind, she must see the world as an ideal place, where everyone she meets is a good person.
"Because you can't find it in yourself to be fond of him?"
I almost smile at that. If he only knew. "It's mostly the fact that she's just met him. She is so at ease with him. It's just incomprehensible to me."
"That's because she seeks the part in Yann that appreciates kids. Yann likes kids, in case you didn't know." He explains, "I guess as you're no longer a kid and you have experience in life, you tend to be wary of people and judge them with one look."
I take my head in both my hands and close my eyes. "I feel like I'm listening to a broken record." I laugh as I recall Ellie's and Will's own words when I had come into town, the whole look past what's skin deep talk they would give me sometimes. I am past that now.
"Maybe you are, after all." He concedes. I am about to tell him that I am past that, almost about to tell him that Yann and I have been getting along when he continues. "You know," he says, "You're easier to deal with when you're not concerned too much."
"Concerned too much?" He doesn't answer. I busy myself trying to find an explanation to those words until I remember last night at the fair. "Well," I say once I understand, "you can't blame me for caring."
"You're pretty pestering in those times," Will tells me.
"I'm just concerned," I reply truthfully.
"Exactly," his tone is light, he's probably smiling.
I look into his chocolate brown eyes and my mind suddenly wanders to Ellie. Ellie who likes the man I am with right now, Ellie who is out with another guy. "Will," I say before I can help myself, "do you like Ellie?"
Will looks taken aback for a moment, clearly not expecting me to say those words. He looks away at the water, and I see as his lips move, about to open, about to say the word. I am positive it's going to be a yes. Positive that he is going to confess right then and there that he likes her but is going to swear me to secrecy. But I guess I'll never know because suddenly, a high-pitched voice comes from behind us in the woods.
"Tracy!"
Happily, sporting a smile on her face and waving her hands in the air like a monkey, Lucy is capering towards us. Jumping on one rock after the other, she is soon next to me and throws herself in my arms.
"Hey, kiddo. Calm down," I pat her back and sit her on my lap. "What are you doing here?"
She waves with a quick hey at Will who returns the greeting before she answers me. "I asked Yann if we could come here. He's behind with Russell." Before I left this morning, I had left Lucy with Yann and Russell by the pool as she was more than glad to kidnap him and have him all to herself. I went out with Will to the river meanwhile and Ellie, well, I guess she's with James.
Soon after, joyous barks are heard through the silent woods and Russell comes springing in the air before landing next to us. He licks my cheek in a sort of greeting I guess before he jumps on Will with whom he starts playing.
"Your sister's a devil."
My eyes meet Yann's as he appears behind a tuft of trees. His hair is in that characteristic ponytail of his, with a short-sleeved shirt covering his chest and a pair of cargo shorts, followed by casual Toms in his feet.
"I know."
My little sister nudges me in my stomach with a frown. "You say that only because you can't run fast like I can." She then holds her tongue out to Yann who – just as I've learned to do so well – ignores her.
"Yann, man!" Will gets up to hug Yann who seems surprised to see him here.
"Will, I didn't see you." He pats Will on the back and gives me that look, that same look in the car when I had written Will's name on the car window after our trip from the TV shop. What does that look even mean?
"You've got a sister now?" Will teases Yann as he points to Lucy.
"No, just an apprentice."
"Yes, a little sister," Lucy says at the same time as Yann with a wide smile that doesn't disappear despite his words.
Will grimaces awfully. "Watch out. She doesn't seem like she's letting go of you any soon."
"Is Will your boyfriend?" Lucy blurts out with a confused frown on her face.
I roll my eyes at her. "He's not."
"Why are you here with him, then?" That little brat never knows when not to insist.
"We're hanging out as friends," I explain, then decide to add, "Just like you're spending time with Yann."
Yann lifts an eyebrow at me – still that same look on his face and it starts to piss me off – but doesn't contradict me. Lucy replies with a small okay, before she jumps up to her feet and, dragging Will behind her and Russell as well, she screams, "I'm hanging out with Will, then."
And she drags Will and Russell behind her as they go into the woods. Russell's barks are loud at first then getting fainter the more they get away from us.
"You like kids." I say to Yann after a moment of silence.
"Why does it sound like I'm being accused of pedophilia?" My head snaps towards him at his reply as I wonder why he takes my words this way. "Why do you look so surprised?"
I am at loss for words at first. I keep staring as he lowers himself to the dirty soil I'm sitting on, taking place a little far from me but close enough to have a conversation. "Where did that come from?" I finally utter.
"The side of me that knows you don't really like me." He says. Today is one of the bad days, I see. "Don't look so horrified, Graham. It's something that you would say," he affirms casually.
"No, it's not. Even when I didn't know you back then," I say, firm in my words.
I look at him to find him frowning at me. I watch his thick brows move and my gaze travels up to his hair. The front isn't held in the ponytail but tucked behind his ears. From the side of his ears, I follow the trace of the start of his beard to the beard itself on his chin.
"Have you ever thought of shaving?"
The frown is replaced by an unfriendly expression, eradicating the semblance of courtesy he seemed to have only seconds ago. "Talking to you doesn't mean I am your new friend, Graham. Don't go there."
I try to keep my temper in check. I don't want things to escalate. "It was just a question." My annoyance seeps through my voice and I can't help it.
"You don't get to ask questions, Graham."
"But you do ask me questions," I remind him. During those hours spent together, he kept throwing questions my way, mostly asking me about my childhood and I had started wondering why he would care so much about the early stages of my life when I recalled what he'd said about his mother. About how not all mothers were loving. Maybe he's just trying to understand or get an idea of what he missed as a boy.
"That's different," he says after a moment, as if he can't come up with a better argument than that. We keep our gazes on each other, he ever so aggressive, and I confused as ever. He then looks away, grabs a fistful of soil in his hands and throws it as far away as he can. I see in his act, something childish, something a kid would do when frustrated or irritated.
I guess I know the answer to what I am about to ask, but I ask him nonetheless. "Why is it different?"
And he explodes. "The fuck if I know, Graham. Why do you have –"
"Yann."
Yann and I turn our heads to a saddened Lucy in front us, looking miserable. She's pouting, just like she usually does when she's caught red hand or when she's displeased by something. Russell next to her is bouncing excitedly on the ground but she doesn't even spare him a glance. Will is coming right behind me, frowning as he probably wonders what's going on.
I wonder how we haven't heard them coming with all the noise Lucy and Russell usually make.
"Why are you saying bad words?" Her voice is small, sad.
Yann is caught off guard by her question. His face shows stark befuddlement at first before he sighs and runs his hands over his face. "I wasn't –"
Lucy cuts him off. "You were." Her tone isn't reprimanding, simply sad with a hint of disappointment.
Yann gives her an exasperated look but soon after, he sighs and I see his jaw clench. "Everybody cusses, Lucy." His voice is exasperated, impatient.
"I don't want my friends to cuss. My friends are nice." She's fiddling awkwardly with the hem of her t-shirt as she looks down to the ground. "Will doesn't cuss."
"Good thing I'm not your friend then." Will rolls his eyes, probably in disbelief at Yann's words and my jaw drops open for a moment.
However, it's almost like Lucy doesn't hear words because it seems his insensitive reply doesn't affect her. "My friends don't say bad words. Daddy says that saying bad words makes you a bad person."
"Then, I am a bad person."
"Are you serious, Yann?" Will finally voices out his incredulity. Yann's gaze lifts up to Will.
"Will says you're not." Lucy continues, "I believe him."
"The fu–" he cuts himself just in time to say, "hell am I doing here?"
"Listening to a little girl practically giving you life lessons. You cuss, you're a bad person." I glance up to Will at his mocking yet angry tone.
Yann has noticed the anger in his voice and as he springs up to his feet, he hisses, "And why should I?"
Will doesn't give him the pleasure to answer his question. Instead, he pulls Lucy to him and rests his hands on her shoulders. "Just promise her you won't do it anymore."
Yann is dumbfounded at Will's words and so am I. "What?"
"You heard. That's what friends do when one disappoints the other. He promises not to do it again."
I find myself thrown back in the courtyard at my school when Ellie and I would fight and Mrs. Brown, our teacher, would be trying to get us to reconcile. Her words weren't exactly Will's words but they were close to it.
When Yann is still hesitating, Lucy makes the first step. "You promise?" and she holds her pinky out to Yann.
"And your sins shall be forgiven," Will enthuses.
Yann sends him a death glare, that encourages me to add oil to the fire and I say, "If she matters to you." Even if it's been only a few weeks, I want to add. But I know that if he's hesitating and not barking a categorical no!, then he must really love kids, he must really have gotten attached to Lucy. Somehow.
I ignore the murderous look thrown my way. "Go ahead. Pinky promise."
And as his pinky moves towards Lucy's, I picture a ten-year-old Yann, with his hair perfectly combed, sporting in a pair of shorts and very casual shoes, matching a white polo shirt covering his chest. This young version of Yann is, in my head, fighting with this grownup version I know, the two of them opposite, yet two faces of a same dime. It's hard to imagine Yann as a kid. It's as if, in my mind, he hadn't gone through that phase in life. I try to create my own version of him as a kid but it's fruitless. I can't.
The image in my head is fuzzy, nebulous, like a picture placed behind a translucent glass. It soon vanishes in a white smoke before disappearing totally.
Seeing Yann's reluctance to give in to those childish games makes me smile. When is the last time he's been in a kid's presence? The thought crosses my mind as I wonder why that sturdy facade of his crumbles in front of Lucy. She reminds him of someone, maybe, I tell myself. But who?
My sibling's face has brightened up with a smile as Yann's pinky curls around hers. She hugs Yann quickly before dashing away with Russell and Will who mouths to me, "Try to be alive when I come back."
I mouth back a yes before I place my attention back on Yann who is back in his previous spot on the ground. I see him look at his pinky, turning his hand around and around and a bullshit! escapes his mouth. Quickly, he looks up, probably searching for Lucy in his vicinity but the only person his gaze settles on is me. He rolls his eyes and lets his hand drop next to him.
I get up on my feet and slap the dirt off the back of my jeans. I dig my hands in my front pocket. I look far ahead, gazing at the trees on the other side of the bank. "You still haven't told me." I say referring to my earlier question. I somehow know he won't explode anymore.
I stand there for a few minutes, waiting for his voice to answer me. When the only sounds that my ears can catch are the birds chirping and the wind in the thousands of leaves and not a voice, I start walking away, not sparing him a glance.
The burning sun has decided to go torment other people and give us some respite in that part of the earth. Slowly, it cascades down the sky to hide behind the mountains, as if playing hide and seek. I know it's only a matter of hours before it reappears and graces us with its unforgivable heat.
"Some of us have to live vicariously through others."
It's unexpected. I almost don't hear it. I stop dead on my tracks as I take in his words. Of course, those aren't the words I expected to hear but the meaning is the same. Yann didn't have a happy childhood, that's why he loves to hear me talk about mine.
I spin around on my heels to face Yann but the only thing that faces me is his back. His front hair has escaped from behind his ears and is now falling next to his face as he kicks rocks on the ground with his feet. He walks, walks and walks, and never turns around once.
•••
Ouch. That one hurt a little. Remember, some people have it much worse than we do. Let's not be quick to judge. That's all I can say.
We made it to 600 reads!! Thanks to everyone who's read so far! You guys are amazing❤️