Disclaimer: See Chapter 1
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Spoiler alert, I almost cried writing this.
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Spock was leaving.
I should have known. I really should have. Even when Older Spock told him to go with what felt right, I should have known. But Spock's damn consideration made me think that maybe he'd stay... Not that any of it matters anymore. He's leaving. It's final. I can't do anything about it.
For three days, I'd been working my butt off to show him how much he matters to me. Little brushes and small touches of our hands, sending some of my affection toward him through our skin, paying extra attention to every word he said during classes, even practically blatantly telling him I cared and that I didn't want him to leave. But apparently none of that mattered now.
Tears stung my eyes as I remembered that moment.
"Come in," I heard Spock call. I walked in, feeling a deep sadness emanating from his form before he looked up and saw me, to which he first felt shock, then anxiety, until finally, he pushed all of his emotions down below the surface.
"Spock, I wanted to ask you about the memorial, but... But first, may I ask you something... of a personal matter?" I asked quietly as the door quietly shut behind me, my own heartbeat beginning to pick up. A stroke of fear and anxiety struck up again minorly before being suppressed to his usual low simmer. It only made my anxiety worse, and my mind went to the conversation he had with Other Spock - Spock Prime.
"Of course," he answered, his voice also low.
"Your emotions... you were sad until you saw me... And then I felt your anxiety as well as your fear," I admitted. "May I ask you... why you are feeling such strong negative emotion?" There was silence for a moment in which Spock seemed to think about his answer.
"I have been... pondering. On many things. My mother, New Vulcan, as well as what Spock Prime advised me to do. I find I am still grieving the loss of my mother, and the prospect of abandoning New Vulcan for my own selfish wants... I find it renders me-"
"I understand," I told him, already fighting back tears and looking down. "The Vulcan race needs you. You do not have to explain."
"Maeve, you-"
"I'm sorry, Commander," I apologized as it began to hit me that he was leaving. My heart was breaking all over again. The emotion I felt was worse than the day Vulcan was destroyed and I lost so many people. I should have known. It was silly of me to assume he would put down that which he was required to do because I wished for him to do so. I felt guilt at my expectations, and my emotions became too much to handle. "I don't mean to become so emotional in your presence, I know it's inappropriate. You must go to New Vulcan and find a suitable mate who you can bond with in order to-"
"You misunderstand-"
"No, Commander. It's alright. Have a good evening, I apologize for taking up your time. I'm sure you have plenty of work that needs to be completed before your departure," I said quickly before I turned and sprinted from the room, making a bee-line for my room, ignoring the calls from behind me as I ran faster than I ever have. Away from the sadness, away from the pain, away from everything I could.
I should have known.
My life has always been anything but a fairytale.
I sighed as I tugged on my ivory satin shoe.
Tonight was the night. Spock agreed to help me host a memorial for our mothers, as well as all those Starfleet had lost on their attempt to aid Vulcan - it would be a dance, as it was something our mothers loved deeply and wonderfully - and the entire Enterprise crew, as well as the board of Starfleet, Commander Pike, the Vulcan High Council, and, of course, our fathers were all invited. And every one of them were coming.
I dressed in a gorgeous ivory gown, perfectly flowing and elegant. It was a gown my father got me a few years ago, for my summer performance of the Viennese waltz - my most favorite dance of all. I had originally worn elegant gloves, as to make sure my sensitive hands would not end up in an accidental Vulcan kiss, however tonight, I doubted I'd dance much, if at all. I wasn't sure I was up for it, given my mood. So they were placed within my small lace handbag, only to be taken out if necessary.
The dress was sleeveless and had an elegant neckline. The bodice was made of lace that went all the way down until it hit the bow. The back was open, exposing the skin from the nape of my neck to my waist, where a semi-light champagne satin ribbon tied into a bow. The lace ended under the ribbon, and from there the slightly-puffy chiffon skirt flowed with every movement I made all the way down to my ankles. It was the perfect fullness, and it spun out with perfect elegance. It had shocked me that my father had such wonderful taste.
I had tied my waist-length hair into an elegant, almost bridal, half-up hairstyle, showcasing my natural curls, and placing small crystal hair pieces into it. My makeup was minimal. Very simple. I used tans and light browns on my lids and a simple tinted lip balm. I had minimal blusher and contouring, but enough to give me some color. The most decorative and intricate thing that I had on was some of Nina's henna. Her favorite elegant, thin, lace-like design was now stained dark onto my pale skin, winding up each of my hands, up past my forearms and to my elbows.
I sighed, looking in the mirror once more.
"I hope you have fun tonight, Amanda," I whispered. "Maybe you can stay with Sarek. Watch all the dancing. Just... have fun and know that we love you. And we miss you... And mama... I remember how much you loved my dancing. I always felt it in your heart... It made me so happy, it made me feel whole. Like I knew you cared and you loved seeing me so happy... even when you called it illogical..." that made me smile a bit before I sobered, trying not to cry. "I miss you, mama," I whispered.
I took one last deep breath before turning to walk out of the empty room.
The completely empty room.
As Nina too had died on the U.S.S. Farragut.
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I stood at the bar, finally gathering enough courage to try a Pineapple Cooler. A very tropical, very weak alcoholic drink I found I actually liked very much, much to my own chagrin, as I like to avoid alcohol. The Vulcan part of me hated the very idea of alcohol. But I tried to blame my father, as it was him who ordered it for me.
"It's lonely back home," my father admitted in his slight Irish accent. His accent was so much lighter than my own, as he had actually grown up in the United States. "Especially now."
"If you wish, father, I can transfer until-"
"No, no, please," he interrupted, taking a big sip of his own-much stronger-drink. "Not now that I've bought a home here."
"What?" I asked, my heart skipping a beat.
"I could see it in your eyes, Maeve," he admitted. "Whenever you speak of this place. You love it here. You love the people, the work, and you've made friends. For the first time in your life you have real friends. You're happy here, Maeve. And if you're happy here, there's got to be something I'll end up loving as well."
I felt tears prick my eyes and I didn't know what to say.
"Father, I sent out my candidacy as Ambassador to New Vulcan."
"Ambassador?" he asked. "Where did this come from?"
"A recent... turn of events," I said, unsure of what else I should say. I supposed one little white lie wouldn't hurt anything. "I suppose you could say I wish to remain connected to mama."
"I see... I just have one question, Maeve," he said and I nodded. "Who is he?"
"Who is who?" I asked, my heartbeat picking up slightly.
"The man you've fallen in love with."
"Fallen in... father, I'm not in love with anyone. I admittedly care for... for Spock, but-"
"The Commander?" he asked, his brow risen, but there was no surprise in his voice.
"Yes, but-"
"You realize now I have to meet him. I have to approve of him before he even thinks about laying a hand on you-" my face began to heat up.
"Father, please," I begged, tears pricking my eyes. I had already lost that which I never had. And I didn't need to be reminded. "I don't want to have this conversation tonight."
"Alright, alright," he admitted defeat. I had only just finished my small drink and father smiled at me. "You go spend time with your friends now. Do you want me to hold your bag? I'm not too sure how much dancing I'll be doing tonight."
"Thank you father," I said, handing him my handbag and kissing him quickly on the cheek before heading off into the crowd.
I made my way through people, finally finding Nyota standing with Jim, just watching the dancers.
"They're lovely dancers," I admitted quietly as I gestured to the floor where two young crew members were waltzing.
"Yeah, they're alright," Jim admitted.
"A lot of them are very lovely dancers in my opinion," I defended. Dancing was dancing, and the fact that they were dancing for the memory of so many individuals only made it all the more lovely. "Especially for untrained starship workers."
"I think so too," Nyota added. I sighed quietly.
"Five hundred people here, all for two women," I murmured.
"Many of us didn't know Amanda well, but we met her and we loved her. She was a very loving person," Jim said quietly. I felt tears begin to prick at my eyes. "And if your mother was able to help raise a woman as lovely as you, she had to be wonderful."
"How are you?" Ny interjected, trying to help me stay together.
"I'm fine," I told her with a small smile. "You look beautiful tonight."
"Thank you," she said with a huge smile before twirling in her deep red dress. It truly was stunning on her.
"And Jim, you look very spiffing tonight as well," I told him with another small smile.
"Why thank you," he said with a grin.
"But neither of us even compare to you. Everyone keeps staring at you. It's like Cinderella," Uhura said with a little wink and a smile. "You truly are a gorgeous girl. Everyone thinks so."
"Thank you," I said with a still-small smile. Normally the compliment would have made me happy, but I wasn't too sure how much could really make me happy tonight. And as long as no one asked me to do anything physical apart from dancing, I wouldn't embarrass myself.
Uhura glanced past me quickly, and a small smile tugged at her lips. "And here comes your Prince Charming." My brow for rowed in confusion at her statement. But only for a moment until I heard his voice.
"Maeve," I heard a gentle voice from behind me. A voice that made my heart leap. I turned quickly. Suddenly nothing mattered anymore-everything disappeared-except the man in front of me. And yet, the world was crumbling around me. All because of him.
"Commander," I greeted, still trying to smile. I missed the flash of hurt at my formality. He was dressed perfectly. He was wearing a crisp tux with a white shirt and a black tie matching his jacket. He had a white rose clipped to his coat. "I haven't seen you."
"I've been talking with my father as well as some of the Commanders until a few minutes ago, when I decided to come search for you," he admitted. I smiled lightly.
"Are you enjoying the dancing?" I asked him, still forcing a smile. He nodded slightly.
"My mother would have loved to be here," he said quietly.
"I believe that she is here. In spirit. And in our hearts," I told him, tears beginning to gather in my eyes as I thought of more heartbreak. He looked confused before I brushed my fingers against his quickly, sending him my imaginings of his mother standing alongside Sarek, smiling as she always did, and my understanding of our mothers in everyone's thoughts, and therefore their hearts, as they danced. I saw a small tug at his lips, a small sad smile, before he held out his hand, offering me the back of his bare hand-most likely the way he was taught to dance as to avoid any Vulcan kisses of his own.
"Would you care to dance?" he asked me, and my heart gave a start, all traces of a smile wiped from my lips.
"A waltz?"
"A Viennese," he clarified. My heart raced. My favorite. I nodded, placing my hand palm-down on his, sending fire through my body, as he began to lead me to the floor.
"How are you?" I asked him. My mangled emotions were so great I had to strive to contain my own emotions and disconnect from Spock's. I was quite obviously failing, the contact and raging emotions making it nearly impossible. I couldn't tell whose anxiety was whose or whose sadness or whose heartbreak belonged to whose being anymore.
"I am faring well enough," he said. "Thank you. How are you?"
"I'm fine," I told him.
"'Fine' has variable definitions," he said. "'Fine' is unacceptable."
I chose not to respond, instead pretending to focus on holding my gown. We made it to the dance floor not a moment too soon. We were just in time for one of the most wonderful 21st century songs to come on-A Thousand Years by Christina Perri.
We took a step away from each other and I curtsied while he bowed before we began slowly, waltzing in harmony to the song as the words began. When the chorus came, it was like everything else disappeared. I forgot about anyone and everyone, I forgot that I meant to stay within the boundaries of my own heart, my own emotions. I lost myself into the music. We began dancing with a vigor. Slowly, our moves became more elaborate, using our minds to communicate as though we were one being, small twirls turned to spins, and spins turned to lifts, as we soon realized the floor was completely ours-we had room to do whatever we wished.
My skirt flowed as Spock turned me before we began waltzing again, this time my back to his chest. After several seconds, he held my hand and walked around me, pivoting me as I lifted myself into an arabesque, as though we were a couple in a ballerina snow globe before I gracefully spun out, away from him. I didn't even hear the clapping. I felt his heat behind me again, and I fell into the waltz once again, losing myself in the dance, in the music, and-most of all-in Spock's warm embrace. Electricity coursed through my veins the entire time.
It was during that dance, that perfectly executed, perfectly natural four-and-a-half-minute dance, that I had realized something I hadn't ever admitted before-not even to myself.
I didn't just care for this wonderful, beautiful, kind man.
I didn't just love him, either.
I was in love with him.
I was consumed by my emotions, by his emotions. Our combined love and admiration for each other mixing with our sadness for the women we loved not being there made our dance all the more passionate, and finally, as the song was beginning to end and I twirled away from him one last time before I turned and leaped at him and he caught me, lifting my onto his forearm as he spun, letting my skirt flare out in a perfectly-executed table-top lift, before he put me down and we were able to face each other fully, almost chest-to-chest as we stared at each other.
Shock, awe, admiration, and utmost love filled me as I looked breathlessly into Spock's equally-loving eyes.
I hadn't even noticed the crowd that had gathered around us clapping and cheering as firey chills overtook me, electricity humming through me, emanating from my hand, and the tingling fire filled me past the brim.
Spock had grasped my hand.
Palm-to-palm.
A Vulcan kiss.
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Okay hey guys! I hope you liked it and PLEASEEEE comment. It means the world to me when you do. I really would like feedback on anything that you like or anything you think needs fixing!
Thanks soooo mucho! Until next time!
Em <3