The next morning, Ellie, Lucy, my father and I have breakfast together. Seated at the table, we eat pancakes with too much syrup and chug down glasses of juice. Our throats get dry from talking too much. We pass the bread and the butter back and forth as Lucy gorges herself on everything that her hands fall upon. The atmosphere in the room is cheery and none of us can stop smiling.
"I wish you could leave tomorrow and come to the fair with us," I tell my dad.
"Yes," Lucy pipes in, "it would be awesome. Stay, Daddy, please!"
My father smiles at my little sister before shaking his head with a sad smile, "I've got work back home. I can't stay, girls."
Lucy pouts and I try to hide my disappointment. I was hoping he would stay but I know he's got responsibilities elsewhere. A mechanic job doesn't pay much and mom's accountant job isn't that great either, honestly. Bills have to be paid.
About half an hour after we've all had breakfast together, my father is already about to leave, his car keys jiggling in his hands. Lucy isn't letting go of him and she's on the verge of tears.
"Stay," she pleads and my heart tugs at her voice.
"Come on, baby girl. You know I can't. We already talked about this," he tries to put her down but she keeps on clinging to him. "Plus, you've got Ellie and Tracy."
My little sister lets go of our dad and sniffling, goes bury her head in Ellie's tummy. My father comes and gives me a quick hug. "I'll take good care of her, I promise."
He pulls away and placing his hands on my shoulders, gives me a serious look. "Take care of yourself too." And I get that he's referring to Yann.
I nod and he steps away. I watch as he climbs in the car and with one last wave, drives away. Lucy wipes her eyes with the back of her hands. Picking her up, I keep my eyes on my dad's truck and she places her head on my shoulders, wrapping her arms around my neck.
"Did he really have to go?" I hear her murmur.
"Yeah," I say with regret, "he did."
"Girls," Ellie says and we turn around to face her, "I gotta go pick up Russell at the kennel now," she looks down at her phone, "or else I'm going to be late."
"Russell?" I ask at the same time Lucy says, "A dog?"
"Yeah, Yann's dog," Ellie clarifies. "Wanna come with me, Lu?"
And just like that, Lucy's sadness over my father's departure vanishes as she squeals happily. "Yes!"
She jumps out of my arms and goes back up to our room to get changed. While she's upstairs, Ellie turns to me, "You're coming?"
I shake my head. "No, I think I'll stay. You're going straight to the fair for the final arrangements and stuff?"
"Yeah," she says but she's not oblivious to my changing the topic, "Dropping her here after that."
We stay silent by the door, waiting for Lucy to come back down. Ellie takes the opportunity. "What happened with Yann?"
I give out a bitter laugh. "What do you think happened?"
Ellie remains patient even though I am slowly losing my temper. "I can't know if you don't tell me."
I sigh and lean against the doorframe. "Maybe I can't do this again, you know? No matter how much I try to remind myself of Ollie and give him a shot, I can't. Yann isn't Ollie. And they're different in so many ways."
"Tracy, you said – "
"You sound like a broken record, Ellie." I cut off then I laugh at myself. "Hell, I sound like a broken record." I wipe my hands over my face. "Look, I really don't have it in me to have that talk with you right now, can we just skip this and talk about it some other time maybe?"
Ellie doesn't insist and just lets it go. "Okay." She says.
A few minutes later, Lucy comes running down the stairs and grins up at Ellie. "I'm ready, let's go."
She doesn't even say goodbye to me as she runs to Ellie's car. Safely buckled in, the two of them leave and I'm left alone in the house. Climbing back up the stairs and not having much to do, I sit on my bed and pick up my iPad. I decide, for a change, to read a contemporary story instead of a classical one.
I start reading Wonder by R. J. Palacio, a story about a ten-year-old boy named August Pullman with a facial deformation. I tear through the book, my emotions climbing all the way to the top of Mount Everest then plummeting down all the way to some hidden underground facility somewhere. I am on a rollercoaster of emotions and halfway through the book, I've got to stop. Looking at my phone, I realize it's already been four hours. As I start getting worried about Ellie and Lucy – I know Harlem is a very small town but is the kennel really that far? – when I hear a car pulling up outside.
Running down, I open the door just as Lucy is climbing down the car. "You wanna come see him?" Ellie asks. "You can have a quick peek but I've gotta go."
"No, I'm okay, thanks," I say when really, what I want to say is, "I'm not interested in anything related to Yann." Even if it's a dog.
"Oh my God!" Lucy screams, "He's so awesome. I can't wait to play with him again." As we step inside the house, she asks, "What are we going to do until the fair?"
"What do you want to do?" I ask her.
"Really? Just sleep. I am still tired after the drive," and she lets out a long yawn to prove her point. I'm not sure whether she's faking it or not. Without waiting for me to say something, she just disappears up the stairs into the guest room that she will now be sharing with me.
I busy myself for the rest of the day with idle cleaning. I keep humming to myself as I dust and wipe, move furniture around and do something to keep my mind off Yann. But of course, it doesn't work.
It already felt humiliating when he refused to look at me in the eyes yesterday after kissing me but he had to go and say those words. I thought you didn't like me. His mocking tone and his smug look. And I'm reminded again that Ollie and Yann are nothing alike.
Ollie. I have this sudden urge to talk to him right now but I know he would be able to discern the distress in my voice and the last thing I want is another person asking me what's wrong. I've had enough of that already.
Hours pass by and soon, Ellie is back home to take a shower and get ready to go to the fair. Lucy wakes up from her nap and ransacks the kitchen for something to eat so I find myself making her sandwiches before she starts eating raw meat. I swear that kid is always hungry.
As Ellie comes down fully dressed and ready half an hour later, she grabs one of Lucy's sandwiches and my little sister protests but Ellie ignores her. "Yann and Will are meeting us here," she says with a look my way.
I shrug, pretending to be unaffected upon hearing Yann's name. "OK. I'm gonna take a shower now."
I try not to think about seeing him, about being too close to him. I take a shower and don a pair of blue jeans and a tank top. I want to pick a t-shirt but I know I sweat a lot when I'm in crowds so I opt for the lightest piece of garment I own. Sandals are out of the question with that many people walking around and likely to step on me. I choose a pair of black grey sneakers and tie the laces.
It's 7:04pm when I look at my phone. Will is already there and Lucy is chit-chatting with him but he doesn't seem to mind. We're all waiting for Yann to arrive and I worry about the seating arrangements. No one's talked of it but they must know I don't want to end up in the same car as Yann.
"Yann!"
Lucy soon forgets about Will as she squeals and throws herself in Yann's arms who catches her. "Hey, you," he throws her a small smile. "Hey, guys," he calls.
I hear Ellie and Will reply but I don't. I feel his eyes on me but I pointedly look everywhere but in his direction. Even though I don't want to, I can still feel his mouth on mine and my lips tingle in recollection of our kiss. I bite my lip to stop the tingling and look at Ellie.
"You're riding with us," Lucy suddenly says to Yann. Then she turns to me, "Right, Tracy?"
If Lucy is riding with Ellie and she wants Yann with her, that leaves me with Will. "I'll go with Will, I think." I smile in the direction of my best friend and I see him smile back at me.
Snatching the car keys from him, I say, "I'm driving."
I climb in the driver's seat of Will's pickup pretending not to hear Lucy who wants me to ride with her. Will soon takes his seat next to me and I start up the engine. We drive behind Ellie who leads the way and I watch in through my windshield as Lucy makes weird grimaces from her backseat. I grimace right back at her and I hear Will laugh next to me.
"She's one of a kind, isn't she?" He chuckles.
I roll my eyes with a smile. "You have no idea."
I turn the radio on as we drive to come country music. Alan Jackson's Remember When comes on and Will turns up the volume. I smile at him. "I never pegged you as a country guy, Will Simons," I tease even though I know that he loves country.
"Well, I'm a small town boy so," and he shrugs in a non-apologetic fashion and I laugh at him.
He sings along to the song, and I let the melody fill me with happy images of my parents. They had met in Harlem and were each other's firsts. I remember Dad telling me that it had been a bumpy ride because her parents thought he wasn't worthy of her. It makes me smile to think of how far they've come, of how much they had to go through. That's the kind of love I want with someone, the kind that makes me sit with him twenty years later and think, "we did it."
I slow down as Ellie's car before us comes to a stop. I look out my window to see a long line of cars is waiting to get parked. The event seems to have attracted plenty of people. Horns are speaking for angry drivers who want to go have some fun. Despite the coolness of the night, I find myself already sweating.
My ringing phone on the dashboard catches my attention and I pick it up. It's Ellie. "Yeah?"
"Whatever. I'm out of here." She says and I can hear the annoyance in her voice.
"I thought we had VIP parking places," I say in confusion.
"I know," she sighs in exasperation, "but stupid people blocked the entrance with their car. I don't understand how that happened. We were supposed to have someone at that gate." I can almost see her pulling out her hair.
"What do we do then?" Will asks.
"I'm gonna park the car a little far so we guys will have to walk." I can already see her car moving as she starts to go around and leave the line.
Will interjects, not very happy with the decision taken. "That's a long walk, Ellie."
"Oh, shut up, you twat. You're supposed to be the man here. Stop complaining." She snaps.
"Sexist," Will mutters to himself before keeping quiet.
We disconnect the call and soon we follow Ellie to a spot somewhere. How she manages to find places for us to park is beyond me. "I saved these spots just in case something like that happened," she says as we all get out of our cars and congregate.
"Will you carry me, Sissy?"
"Sure," I say as I bend a little to let Lucy climb on my back. Once she's secured up there, I say, "Let's go."
It's a fifteen-minute walk to the fair but it's better than having to wait half an hour in the car to get a parking place. Next to me, I can see Will looking down at something in his hands and frowning. His eyebrows knit together as he concentrates on what he's doing. I take a closer look to see he's using his phone.
The deeper scowl on his face sets me off guard and I can't help but wonder what's riling up his mind right now. I see his jaw clench as his arm moves to his side to put the phone back in his pocket. For the next ten minutes it takes to get to the entrance, all of Will's problems seem to have vanished or maybe he's just hiding them.
He's happily chatting with Lucy who's resting on my shoulders, her hands on top of my head. Ellie is talking to Yann next to Will and I'm happy with just being quiet, enjoying the loud noise from the fair that reaches us all the way out here.
Once we reach the entrance, Ellie's and Will's VIP passes have us entering the fair immediately, leaving behind a long line of people. And as soon as we are in here, I am rapt with the vibrancy of the place. On each and every side, people are laughing or talking, eating or playing, screaming or whispering, kissing and holding hands. Parents have their children on top of their shoulders the way I have Lucy now. She squeals in happiness as she marvels at everything she sees.
"I want to go to the rides! Please, Sissy!" She begs and almost starts bouncing up and down on my shoulders but I slap her thighs in warning.
"Guys," I turn around to our group of friends, "going to the rollercoaster with Lu."
"I'll come," Will says.
I smile up at him and lace my arms with him. Over my shoulder, I throw to Ellie – and Yann –, "See you later."
Will, Lucy and I disappear in the crow as we walk to the rollercoaster. I bump into people and I have to hold on tight to Lucy so she doesn't fall off. She is so busy gaping at everything, letting numerous oohh and aahh all the time that she forgets to hold on to me for support.
As we get in line and wait for Lucy to get her turn, Will receives a phone call. I see the frown on his face before he can hide it. I wonder who's calling him. He excuses himself before stepping away. I watch as he puts a finger into one ear and places the phone against the other. From where he stands, I can't hear what he is saying and even if he were next to me, with the loud volume of the crowd, I wouldn't be able to hear a thing.
However I can see as the frown returns on his face. It gets deeper and deeper with each passing minute and he appears a little upset with the person on the other end of the phone. His mouth moves rapidly as he speaks, his jaw clenches several times. He glances my way a few times but, shameless as I am, I don't bother to look away. He looks up to the sky at some point as if exasperated, confused and lost all at the same time.
The lips that are usually in a smile, teasing or joking are set into a thin line. He looks very displeased with his interlocutor, the permanent pinching of the bridge of his nose is enough evidence. He keeps stealing glances my way, acting like a bank robber watching out for the police. His chest doesn't cease to rise up and down as he breathes laboriously. What is going on?
I hate seeing him like this. Will who has always been so cheerful and jubilating for the ten years I've known him. This isn't the Will I am looking at right now. He looks as if the world were toppling down on his shoulders, forcing him to bear its weight and the sight tears at my insides, dragging and pulling violently the more I watch his expression crumble.
I sense Lucy letting go of my hand and I turn around as we start climbing in a car. As we get strapped in, I throw one last look at Will who is finally pulling the phone away from his ears. I can see the light of the fairs shining on him and the affliction on his face is still very present, fresh like hot blood leaking out of a raw wound. But once he's facing me, the tumult previously etched – branded even – on his features has long vanished and instead, I'm faced with a once again very happy Will.
We begin moving and I can't take my eyes off him. Up and up we go and he becomes a tiny dot in this sea of people, and at last I look away from him. As we start going down, Lucy and I raise our arms and start screaming with our mouths wide open. For a moment, I forget about Will down there and his worries. Lucy and I get thrown to the side as we veer, thrown back as we go up and forward as we go down. It's amazing to have her next to me and see her happy little face. Nothing in the world in this moment could fill me with greater joy.
"Wohoo!" Lucy yells as we come down at last and she wobbles on her feet. Deftly, Will catches her and throws her over his shoulder. "Thanks!" She says.
Facing me, Will says, "You look like you had some fun up there." He's grinning at me and I wonder how he can smile so brightly when he was frowning so deeply earlier.
"Yeah, and you didn't look like you were having any down there."
At that, he sighs and we begin walking away. "That call was important."
"You forgot upsetting," I add.
"Yeah, you were staring like a creepy stalker. Bring a camera along to snatch some pics, next time." He's trying to divert the topic.
"I might do so," I tease with a smirk. Pretending to be okay is not as efficient as I thought it would be. In fact, the only outcome is a compounded pile of negative feelings.
Acting as if the phone call had never occurred, Will grabs my hand and leads me through the noisy night. I trudge by his side toward the rides, my mind racing with different hypotheses. But as I try to put them down and lay them in front of me to question myself, they seem to slip away from me. Too much thinking. Too many thoughts. Too many words. They just glide away, like sand sifting through my open fingers.
As we wait for our popcorn in front of a vendor, I can't help but ask, "Are you alright?"
On Will's shoulders, Lucy is bouncing up and down but he doesn't seem to mind. Briefly, his brown eyes stare down into my own. "Yeah, why?"
"Well, first you looked a little weird on the walk here and then you received a call and –"
I'm cut off by his fingers gently flicking my nose. "I'm fine, Tracy. Don't worry."
"I am worried." I say. "I care. And whatever this is all about, it's got you worried. So I'm worried," I repeat.
Will sighs as he takes the popcorn and hands it to Lucy who says thanks. "I know you are. But you don't need to. It's just something I need to take care of."
"Why do people always feel the need to keep things away from other people?"
It's none of my business what Will is hiding from me. But somehow, I feel this need to know what is causing the torment behind those chocolatey eyes. I wish he didn't keep that secret to himself and shared it with me.
When he doesn't reply, I rephrase my question in a more candid and succinct manner. "Will you tell me what's bothering you?"
"Tracy," I don't hear his sigh but I know he sighs. He leans down to my ears and whispers over the loud noises of the night, "Let it go."
I can't.
•••
Chapter 20 :)
What do you think has Will so riled up, huh? Let me know :)