Yasmine Bernice Monteverde
A name that is well familiar to people.
Mailalarawan ako ng mga tao bilang isang sikat, maganda at matagumpay na aktres, nagmula sa prominenteng Pamilya dito sa bansa, at iniidulo ng karamihan kaya kung isusumite ay masasabing nasa sa akin na ang lahat.
I laugh every damn time I hear that.
But they don't know that I am paranoid, a trait I hope will leave me. I am clumsy, I drop glasses and get drunk on Monday afternoons. I have a habit of messing up everything that I love, I blame the world when something goes wrong, I lie a lot, I have major trust issues, I had hurt people... even people that I love... I admit that I am obnoxious but not delusional enough to wish to be perfect.
I am broken by my past. Damaged.
Kung anong meron ako ngayon ay hindi ko nakuha ng ganoon lamang kadali. If it was easy, then it wouldn't be that worth it. I've been through a lot and they don't know that... they don't have to.
'Hey, Hey, Hey! Good afternoon mga kashort time! Ito pong muli ay si Dj Girlie ang bubuo ng inyong hapon!' Saad ng babaeng DJ mula sa radyo, 'Alam niyo ba mga ka-Short time, kaninang naglalakad ako papasok dito sa studio ay may narining 'tong mga tenga ko. Eh surprisingly, napaisip ako sa tanong na narinig ko.... kaya idadamay ko rin kayo.' I leaned my back on my chair and listen idly.
'What is your purpose in life? ...' dahan dahan na bigkas ng Radio Dj.
Hmm, that question surprisingly strikes me.
If I joined a pageant and they asked me this, there's a chance that I will choke. I am not going to start it by helping the homeless children, end the hunger blah blah blah... Hindi ko talaga alam kung ano nga ba?
What is really my purpose in life?
Do something Holy perhaps? Should I wait like what others may say as your calling? Spiritual awakening type of thing.
Make the world a better place? Pero san ako magsisimula? There's a lot of mess in this world. I'm not even fit for a superhero role in movies. I'm your typical I-don't-care-about-you neighbor.
Grabeng tanong iyan, kung saan tuloy napunta ang isipan ko. But if you think of it, I am in now in my late twenties with only one plan in my head. Be rich. My friends already figured out their lives by marrying and starting a family.
As for me? I feel left out.
I feel like I am living aimlessly. Making choices without putting any thought on it. Mapapatanong na lang ako sa sarili ko kung bakit ko hinayaan na dumaloy lang oras ko bawat segundo.
"Miss Yassy, pinapatawag na po kayo sa loob." May lumapit sa akin na staff. Sumulyap lang ako at sumunod na sa kanya. Pumasok ako sa loob ng kwarto ng gulo ang isipan. Umupo ako sa tanging upuan na may apat na metro ang layo mula sa kinauupuan ng mga kilalang tao sa likod ng bawat pelikula aka director, Producer, etc.
Putting back my smile, "Good afternoon, everyone." sabi ko.
"Ms. Yassy, how are you?" tanong ng Direktor, "You have the strongest hold for the leading role for the upcoming romantic movie this Valentine's Day. I bet it's nothing new already." pabiro nito sa akin.
"I'm good, Direk Dads. No, I actually still get surprised every time I get roles. Well, we all know that fame don't last. I just grab every opportunity that knocks." paliwanag ko.
"Noong sinabi nga sa amin ni Direk Dads na gusto mo na makuha ang role ni Clay ay hindi na kami nag-atubili pa na maghanap ng iba. Pero dahil nga sa may sinusunod tayo na proseso dito sa stasyon ay binuksan namin ang pintuan para sa mga suhestyon ng lahat." singit ng Producer, "Pero kung sa akin lang, it's fitting for you to have the role."
"Tutal ay hindi na natin nililihim pa kung kanino mapupunta si Clay..." Direk Dads nod in approval, "Yassy, here's a short brief for the filming, since our locations will be filmed in 3 different countries this will take longer than a usual film production...."
That's like months of my life being planned right in front of me...
Am I gonna waste another year slaving myself for money?
Nakatingin ako sa harap pero ang utak ko ay tuliro.
What is my purpose in life....
Am I even where the Universe wanted me to be?
Seems like getting numbers intentionally like an Angel Number - if you've heard about it, numbers turn into a message, believing that your angels are trying to talk to you. Is that how I should understand it?
"I'm sorry, I zoned out. What can I say? Thank you for considering me for the role of Clay, a charming and obedient daughter, trustworthy friend, faithful lover, and most especially she have the job that she dreamed of. " A perfect kind. Tumayo ako at huminga ng malalim. Nagtinginan ang mga ito sa isa't isa, "I am so sorry, I don't mean to act ungrateful because believe me I am deeply overwhelmed with your trust but I am sure that someone out there is more deserving than me to have that role. Have a great day, everyone." mabilis akong lumabas ng kwarto.
I think I'm going to vomit.
Patakbo ako na pumunta ng banyo saka pumasok sa isang cubicle. I don't want people to see me like this.
-Knock Knock Knock-
"Yassy, are you okay?" hindi ko ito kinibo at sumuka na, "I already locked the door so you don't need to hold yourself. It's Belle."
Making sure I am done I wiped my mouth with a tissue, "Well, well, well. Look who came out. You're just in time to save the day." lumabas na ako at dumiretso sa washbasin para maglinis.
"Wasn't that you?" Witty, "Katatapos lang ng guesting ko sa Studio Five then I saw you and I thought it would be nice to say Hi to an old friend."
"Hello to you too, old friend." walang gana kong bati.
She smiles, "What's up, Yassy?"
I stopped, "Some Radio Dj f*cked up my head." I let out a heavy breath, "I turned down a movie role."
Nabigla ito, "Teka muna, literal or...."
Inirapan ko ito, "What's your purpose in life, Belle?" seryosong tanong ko. She look taken back for a while.
"To live a meaningful life and be as authentic as possible." mabilis na sagot nito.
At least she have an idea unlike me.
"Stop lying to yourself." I look at her, "Wag mong baguhin ang ibig sabihin ng authentic para lang kumbinsihin ang sarili mo." saad ko, "You know, it gets boring sometimes dahil ako na lang palagi ang tinatawag ng mga tao tuwing Pride Month." Sinimulan ko na mag ayos ng sarili ko, konting pahid ng lipstick.
"Here we go again. I just got my biggest break, Yassy. You know how long I've waited for this." That's sad. Huminto muna ako at pinagmasdan ito. Ramdam kong nahihirapan siya sa loob loob nito, "Why don't you tell me your answer to that question." habol nito.
"I don't know my purpose and that scared me like a lot, Belle." tumawa ako kahit na wala namang nakakatawa, "I only wake up to earn money."
She smiles again, "Yassy, a question doesn't always need an answer. Or not right away. If you got yourself invested in it, then why don't you figure it out?"
Tinitigan ko ito na parang makukuha ko ang sagot sa paggawa nito, "I need to take a break from showbusiness." She laughed in surprise. Akala niya nagbibiro lang ako.
"I didn't mean it that way, Yassy---" I stopped her.
"Live a meaningful life and be as authentic as possible." I clicked my tongue, "You are right, Belle." niyakap ko ito ng mahigpit.
"Calm down, will you? Iiwan mo na lang basta basta ang lahat dahil lang sa isang tanong? You know that a lot of people wanted to be you, to experience what you have." subok nito sa akin pero napatigil rin lang, "Yassy, sana nasa tamang katinuan ka ngayon bago ka magdesisyon. Do not take anything for granted."
I bit my lip, "Working 24/7 filming for weeks and it doesn't stop there because you still have to promote your craft. What about a one hour rest then commit for a Commercial Shoot? I am taking my body for granted, Belle." Napatikom na ang bibig nito.
"All that realization came out from your mouth because of a Question?" Hindi ito makapaniwala, "Are you sure there's nothing I can do to stop you from jumping out of the ladder?"
"Nada." Sagot ko, "None."
Umiling ito, "Whatever unknown crisis you have right now, andito lang ako, Yassy."
I nodded my head, "I know and thank you." Niyakap ko itong muli, "You got breast implants didn't you?" tanong ko ng naramdaman ko ang dibdib nito. Tinulak ako nito palayo saka sumimangot, "I remember how big they were, Belle."
"Good talk. Bye, Yassy." Lumabas na ito ng comfort room.
I guess I have to wait for years before someone will finally join me as a queer actress then. There are a lot of them in the hiding. I don't have a gaydar, I have instincts. I've shared the bed with some of them, I've shared other places to some. Some women loves to experiment, exploring their sexuality. Sex sometimes helps people on their rough days.
Pero ano pa nga ba? alam ko na alam ninyo ang pakiramdam kung gaano kahirap itago ang katotohanan.
Tough is an understatement to define a feeling when you are about to come out.
-Flashback-
I took a very deep breath. Iyan na ata ang pinakamalalim na paghugot ko ng hangin mula sa baga ko. Hundred pairs of eyes are looking at me. Hundred lenses are focused in me.
Kung sa totoo lang wala naman talaga akong pakialam kung ano ang iisipin nila sa akin.
Gusto ko lang patunayan sa sarili ko na... kumportable ako sa kung ano ako at tanggap ko kung ano at sino man ako. It's not like this is a disease...
Tahimik ang mga tao na andito ngayon tila nangangamba sa ikinikilos ko at sa mga susunod na sasabihin ko. Pero ngumiti lang ako ng malaki sa kanilang lahat.
This may cost me my career but I can't hide myself anymore.
Here it goes...
"I like girls." bale walang sabi ko.
Gaya ng inaakala ko ay hindi makapaniwala ang mga itsura ng mga ito. Mandiri, matuwa, mag-alala, magalit o kahit ano pa man ang reakyson nila ay hindi ko ito ipinangangamba.
Tumigil man ang bawat kilos ng mga nakarinig ng aking pag-amin, ay hindi ko na kasalanan na nasayang ang oras nila sa isang bagay na hindi naman kailangan.
Bakit nga ba kailangan pa nating ilabas ang totoong nais ng ating puso? Na taliwas sa dapat na mamahalin ng ating kasarian ang nilalaman ng ating puso? Bakit ba sarado ang isipan ng ibang tao na posibleng magmahal ang isang babae sa kapwa nila babae o ang lalaki sa kapwa nila lalaki?
I want to wake up to that day when a person is no longer required to come out.
"Believe me, I tried to live to what people thought is right. I lived my life thinking of what other people will think of me. I tried to stop myself from loving a person, I tried to fight against this feeling. For twenty one years, I lived my life trying. Pero alam niyo ba? Sa bawat paglaban at pagpigil ko sa nararamdaman ko ay para ko na rin unti-unting inaalis ang isang parte ng pagkatao ko. I come in one piece and my sexuality will never change. That's all, thank you." Bumaba na ako sa stage at naglakad papunta sa dressing room. Sinalubong man ako ng ngiti ng iba ay hindi mo maitatago ang ilan na may halong panghihinayang sa kanilang mukha.
My name will be on the news for a while then.
Pero namamayagpag ang ginhawang nararamdaman ko sa loob loob ko.
May konting pagsisisi man ako pero ito ay kung bakit hindi ko pa ito ginawa noon. Siguro mas naipakita ko sa kanya kung gaano ko siya kamahal.
Pero sadyang mahirap magmahal ng tao kung ang pamilya mo na mismo ang hadlang sa inyong dalawa dahil nabubuhay kaming pareho sa isang masakit na reyalidad.
I don't care what my manager or agency will say to me. I can pay my contract if that's what it takes for me to get my freewill.
-End of Flashback-
And I have never felt the surreal feeling of freedom until that very day. Tanggap ko na noong araw na iyon na hindi na ako sisikat pa pero hindi ko buong inakala na may kukuha pa rin sa akin sa pelikula. Si Direk Dads ang hindi bumitaw sa kapasidad ko na maging mahusay na aktres kahit ano pa man ako. He came to me as a lucky charm and I'm grateful for him up until today.
And my question now to you readers.....
Are you ready to follow what's in store for me?