Good morning babe. Sorry. Won't be home until Tuesday. Busy as up here.
I dropped my phone and exhaled a sigh of relief.
Aiden had one of his staff drop it off after it was found in his apartment stairwell last night. It was still working but the screen was cracked. I stared over at the iPhone X box that had come with the delivery. I wasn't even sure where he would have found one of those so late at night. But I smiled and figured that I might as well use it.
I was grateful for the extended weekend that I would have free from walking on eggshells. But it also gave me a chance to think about what I wanted to do. What I wanted was Aiden. But it wasn't that simple. Aiden could take Desmond out of the equation and I was hoping that I'd become accustomed to that idea. But it made my stomach churn to essentially put a hit on someone.
Maddie's couch wasn't that comfortable to sleep on. But I didn't have to spend the night alone in my apartment. As it was, I'd had a restless night. Bad dreams and images of things that I couldn't quite remember now that I was awake. But it still kept me tossing and turning with fear. It had been a long time since a nightmare had left me unsettled in the morning. I often welcomed any kind of oblivion that wasn't my reality.
I laid there for perhaps an hour. My mind resembling something of a mess while I stared at the ceiling. As sick as it was, I thought about the murdered man and tried to contort his visual into something more evil.
The last memory I had of him was his panic stricken expression. Unable to call out for help, terrified for his life. But he raped little girls. There were children out there who had lost their innocence. They would never be able to forget going through that abuse. It would haunt them for the rest of their lives. It was something that you could never truly heal from. And suddenly, I was glad that he was rotting in hell.
Footsteps padded on the carpeted floor and it was soon followed by the sound of Maddie's morning voice. "You awake, Ari?"
I sat up and peered over the back of the couch where she was standing beside the kitchen threshold, tying her dressing robe up. "I'm up," I smiled and smoothed down my disheveled hair.
"Waffles or hash browns and breakfast sausages?"
I stood up and stretched out the aches that came with an uncomfortable sleep. "Uh," I knew that I needed to eat. I felt hungry. But I couldn't imagine trying to stomach food. I was still suffering from a twisted gut. "You choose."
Maddie grinned. "Both it is!"
I folded the blankets that I'd used last night and followed her into the kitchen where she was shuffling around in the fridge, throwing ingredients on to the countertop. "I might start with a coffee," I said through a yawn and wandered towards her kettle. "If that's okay?"
"My castle is your castle," she smiled and handed me the milk. "But this isn't a castle. It's a shit hole."
I laughed and shook my head as I started making a couple of drinks. "I like your place. It's cosy."
"Cosy is code for 'this could be mistaken for a closet'."
"No I mean it," I said, peering over at where she was pouring flour into a bowl. "It's cute! And besides, big flash apartments don't always equal comfort."
The room fell quiet as I stared at the coffee and stirred it with a spoon. I wanted to tell Maddie the truth. She'd been such an incredible friend. I wanted her to know that I trusted her with everything that I had. I turned around with a thumping heart and opened my mouth, only to find that she was watching me with a sad gaze.
"I have to tell you something," she said with a quiver in her voice. She walked forward and grasped my hands. "I was going to wait until we'd eaten. But I just—"
"What?" I said with fear for what else could be coming for me. How much worse could this weekend get? "What is it."
"I just—" she exhaled a spent breath. "I just hate that I have to tell you this after everything that happened last night. It's so fucking unfair."
"Maddie," I snapped, perhaps a little more harsh than I meant to. I took a deep breath and attempted to smile. "Just— just tell me."
She winced and gave me a regretful glance. "The firm called Cameron this morning and told him that he'd be in court tomorrow with Frank, rather than in the office with Desmond. Because Desmond called in sick. . ."
Her words hit me with a strong force that she would have believed was heartbreak or devastation. But instead it was disbelief. Here I was, about to tell her that things at home were less than ideal and she was letting me know that she suspected he was cheating on me. I stammered with how to even follow up the statement.
"Um," I blinked.
"You're in shock. Fuck, what a bastard—"
"No I'm just— I knew," I stared at her with pinched brows. "I knew but um he said that it wouldn't happen again. It's been going on for a while."
She shook her head with disbelief. "Arian, what are you doing? You don't have to put up with that."
"I know," I said, still processing this bizarre turn of events. "I'm going to leave him. Yeah. I'm leaving him."
Her jaw dropped and she stared past me with puzzlement. "Why do you seem so— calm," she brought her attention back to me. "It's freaking me out. Get mad. Threaten to burn all of his clothes. Cry or something."
"I'm just— not surprised I guess. It's okay. I'm okay."
"I feel like perhaps what happened last night has temporarily desensitised you to reality," she folded her arms. "Should I be worried? Or are you excited about being single?"
I shook my head. "No no. It's just that this has happened before. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. But it is what it is. We should make food. I'm starving."
I turned around and picked up the coffee that I had made. What she said threw me off. I felt strange that she knew my marriage wasn't the perfect picture that it had been painted to be so often before. I felt embarrassed. Like a fraud. Now I felt anxious. Like I was on a time frame to leave Desmond. I had no excuse to stay with him. The pressure felt like it was crushing my chest.
"I'm here if you need me," Maddie said from behind me as I stared out the kitchen window. I could almost see right into the next building. But it was better than facing her and confessing that I was more of a mess than she knew.
"Thanks, Maddie."
Cameron joined us when the food was ready. He seemed a little awkward and after a while, I couldn't handle the pitiful gazes that both of them were giving me. This was what it was like, when people knew your truths. I was so wound up that I couldn't get through a single hash brown. But I sat with them for a while and engaged in chit chat.
Maddie insisted that I set up the new phone but all I could think about was the fact that Desmond might notice and ask where it came from. It wouldn't be on the credit card statements. I felt nauseous just thinking about how he could react. It had been a decent length of time since he put his hands on me and the break had instilled a new sort of fear. I got used to it when it was regular. I didn't want to go through it again. I was more scared than usual.
I decided that I would go to the apple store and buy one on the way home. I'd give it Maddie. She deserved it. I could tell her that I won it in a work raffle.
It made me want to scream. I shouldn't have to do this all the time. I shouldn't have to calculate and over think each and every small situation in my life because of one maniac. I shouldn't have to feel shame and humiliation because my friends knew that I put up with a cheating bastard for a husband.
When I got home later that afternoon, I curled up in bed and cried. It felt pathetic and useless to sob instead of fixing the situation. But each option that I thought of, seemed impossible. Telling Aiden meant that he would kill Desmond. If he didn't, the issue wouldn't go away. The police were a risk because of his friendships and connections. If he didn't get locked up, he could kill me, torment me.
But at least it would be a step in the right direction. The entire police force couldn't be crook?
___
I went to work on Monday afternoon with a sore head. I hadn't slept a lot. I'd been avoiding Maddie's calls and the last time that I had a decent meal was Saturday night at Aiden's. But still, I adopted the familiar facade that I kept up at work. Serving guests with an upbeat attitude and polite smiles. Chatting with the staff about their weekend.
Unfortunately not even the clear skies and familiar scent of the sea could equate to genuine elation. I hadn't felt this down in a long time and it worried me. I needed to remind myself that it would be okay. It would be. Somehow, I would know what the best course of action would be and it would work itself out. I just had to hang in there a little longer.
I wandered into the staffroom at the end of my shift and wiped my brow which was damp. It had been a full on night. But I was grateful that I had been kept busy. Even when I had a moment to breathe, I refilled salt and pepper shakers, cleaned the water jugs and emptied the ash trays in the outdoor area. I even let Gabbie blabber on about her date that she'd gone on over the weekend. It was a welcomed distraction. The girl was dealing with a lot of drama and one date sounded like an episode of Jersey Shore.
Jules came around the corner where I was reading the notice board and gave me a tight lipped smile as she folded her arms. "Hey," she shrugged a shoulder. "How are you?"
"I'm great Jules," I smiled without looking at her. I wouldn't let her see that I wasn't fine at all. She didn't need that advantage under her belt. It was clear that she thrived off other people's misfortune. It was fuel for her gossip and I wouldn't give her an ounce of it. "How are you?"
"I'm alright," she nodded and absentmindedly leafed some pamphlets on the shelf beside us. "Jordan and I decided to get hitched. It'll just be small. In a couple of weeks."
I turned to her and forced a smile. "Congratulations Jules. I'm happy for you."
"You wanna come?"
"Sure."
She sighed and ground her teeth together before she spoke. As if it was difficult for her to get the words out. "I'm sorry about coming at you over the whole Aiden thing. And I don't think that you're ugly. You're not. You're gorgeous."
I gave her a small smile. I didn't really believe her though. It wasn't her. I just didn't think of myself as gorgeous. I didn't think I was ugly. Just nothing special. "Forget it," I said and picked up my bag, slinging it over my shoulder. "I know how it must have looked."
"It wasn't like that though, right?" She questioned. "I haven't seen him around much."
"Like I said, we're just friends."
She nodded and glanced down at her feet as she inched backwards. "I'll send proper invites out at some point. But we're cool, right? I've missed you."
I smiled. "Yeah we're fine."
In truth, I still didn't appreciate how she'd spoken to me. But I guess she was just seeing one side of the story. She saw Desmond as a loving husband and she saw me sneaking around and spending time with another man. I couldn't blame her for drawing conclusions. I had to appreciate that she bothered to apologise.
As I walked down the street, I checked the new cellphone for messages from Desmond. He liked to message around the time that my shift ended. Most likely to ensure that I was at home. Of course he could be out fucking whoever he wanted but he still needed to have his thumb on whatever I was doing.
I saw a message from an unknown number and swiped the phone unlocked.
Hey, it's Aiden.
I don't know what time you finish tonight but pop in after your shift? I'll be up. I just want to check on you and make sure you're alright xx
I chewed on my lip and felt a genuine smile for the first time in days. It made me feel better to know that despite what had happened over the weekend, he could still make me feel excitement. Butterflies still fluttered and I had a bounce in my step as I took the street that lead to his apartment building.
When it came to him, he chased out the fear. I didn't think about the consequences, I didn't torture myself with thoughts that ran on repeat and gave me a migraine. I just embraced the way that my heart sped up and looked forward to being in his presence again.