Like parasites desperately aching to find a host, my thoughts want to sink in my mind, torture me, eat at me and only leave crumbling pieces. Thoughts about Yann do that to me, I've come to realize. A violent headache reigns in the front section of my head and I realize that even thinking of the thoughts of Yann is injurious to me.
I channel all my energy towards the soothing feeling riding with Will gives me. "You didn't forget the food," I say as I suddenly remember he said he would take care of the food.
Will chuckles next to me. "Women and their food. No, I didn't forget it, Tracy. Don't worry."
As we get closer to the outskirts of town, the air changes. The familiar smell of vegetation fills my nostrils and I breathe in deeply. I smell soil, leaves, trunks. It all mixes into one particular scent yet I can make out the different smells that compose it.
Soon, Will is driving us a little inside the woods and it doesn't take long for me to recognize where we are. There are different parts along the river where people can go. I know because Ellie and I would never go twice to the same place in a month. Where Will has brought me today is a little more wooded than where we were the first time with Ellie and Yann. The smell of greenery is stronger there and I welcome it.
My ears pick up on the incessant splashing of the river against the shore, the happy chirps of the birds, the earthy smell of water mixed with soil, the humid air. Will and I reach the end of the way and stop a few feet away from the water.
Grabbing his hand happily, I lead him to the shore. There, we allow ourselves to drop onto the lightly damp soil and sit next to one another. Propping our legs up, we rest our elbows on our knees and look ahead of us. We are like two people on two different sides of a mirror.
Sunrays are creating a glint on the smooth and undisturbed surface of the water. The wind softly blows through my brown locks and I close my eyes, appreciating the soft stroke. This is how I wanted to feel during the entire summer: free. I had this urgent desire to put aside my college life and go somewhere where I could forget my freshman year. I was convinced Harlem would be the place for that and it is, in a way. I simply didn't factor in Yann since I didn't know he was going to be there.
"How can you bear with him?" I ask Will as I turn my head to him. "Yann," I specify.
"Is that why you've been so silent during the ride?"
I sigh and close my eyes. "I'm still trying to find something good in him, you know? But damn, he makes it so hard to."
Will gives a light laugh as he picks up a pebble and throws it in the water. "Yeah, I know. At first I couldn't stand him. Our first encounter ended up in a fight."
At that, my interest is piqued and opening my eyes, I ask, "What happened?"
He smiles as he recalls his first meeting Yann. "He and Ellie had just met. She is so nice, you know?" I try to ignore the adoration in his voice at the last words and focus on the story instead, "She kept being patient while he was being a total asshole. I got fed up. I punched him."
"Way to go, Will. I wish I could punch him too." I say and bump his shoulder while he laughs at my words.
"You should try, it feels good. Especially when he deserves it. Not that I am encouraging violence," he quickly adds as if just realizing what he just said.
"Don't worry, I can't throw a legit punch anyways. Not that I've ever tried," I snicker to myself.
"How did things get okay between you two then?"
Will thinks about it for a moment. "Okay isn't the adjective I would use. Less chaotic, kind of. Yann and I still have our differences but things did get better between us. We're very different and we have very different views on a particular matter."
I don't miss the secrecy. "Is that matter related to the mystery that no one wants to tell me about?"
Will sends an apologetic smile my way and I know he won't say much just like Ellie. "It's not much of a mystery. It's just Yann's personal business and we don't talk about it."
Knowing I won't get answers there, I continue, "How did things get less chaotic?"
Quietness follows my question and I want to believe Will is thinking of the answer. Then Will responds with the very words I was dreading to hear.
"I learned to understand him." He breathes. "Deep inside, he isn't a bad person, but sometimes, life has a way of scarring the best people. It's sick."
I think of Will's words. Life has a way of scarring the best people. It is true. I think of Ollie and his big heart, his boundless love, his ever-present concern. That's a side most of the people he meets will probably never know of him because he keeps it safely locked. Or rather, it's safely – and selfishly – buried deep under those scars that life gave him and there is no digging it without reopening the wounds. And no one wants to reopen the wound when it's already healed.
Yann is no exception.
"So am I the least understanding person of us for not being able to see all of that yet?"
I ask the question mostly to continue the conversation but not because I really believe the words I ask. I know I'm not the least understanding person of us. On the opposite, I am beginning to understand him better. I wonder if under that rude façade hides a boy with a golden heart and unconditional love.
"No," Will says, "I think we all went through your phase."
I frown at the choice of words. "Phase? You make him sound like a disease."
"Why do you pick on the worst things people say to describe him? Why didn't you pick on the part just now when I said he wasn't so bad after all?" Will asks but there is no annoyance, no reprimand in his voice. Just genuine curiosity.
"There's a part of me that's beginning to see what Ellie and you see. But I guess there's also that side of me that's a little skeptical." I explain. "Guess that's where it came from."
Will's words ring in my head, and questions are soaring around and I am unable to grab any to try and make sense of them. I am unfocused, distracted. My head starts to throb with a merciless headache and the deep breaths do nothing to help.
"I need to walk."
My abrupt announcement seems to startle Will because when I turn my head to him, he is staring at me with his eyebrows raised and his lips slightly opened in surprise. As abruptly as I have said those words, I stand up and start walking. Stuffing my hands into my shorts, I walk on the shore. Head hung low, eyes unfocused, I loiter around, back and forth.
I'm not thinking. Now that I am calling to my thoughts, they seem to have vanished. It drives me almost crazy to try to think and not be able to, crazy to think of thoughts that don't want to come. I keep walking around listlessly. My calves and soles are aching from the uneven ground and my legs are aching from carrying me so long.
As I turn around to go backtrack, I collide against an obstacle right before me that I haven't seen. Two arms snake around my waist to steady me before I can make a move to steady my own self.
"You should stop thinking," comes Will's voice as he lets me go once I've found my balance.
"Why did the last time we came here Ellie and you were ignoring me at first?" I stare out at the water as I ask the question, not looking at him.
He doesn't respond at first. "Well, unexpected change of topic." He mutters before speaking more audibly. "Ellie."
My eyes snap up to meet his. "What about her?"
"You know Ellie," he says with a roll of his eyes, "she was trying to leave you two alone so you could talk a little."
I almost scoff at how ridiculous that is. "Did she expect us to become friends in five minutes?"
Will shrugs with a laugh. "No, she simply believes that given what you did for Oliver, you could speak some sense into Yann."
"I didn't speak any sense into Ollie. I simply helped him realize that the world had much more to offer than he thought."
"That's exactly what we have been trying to make him realize too. That he should get out there and be who he's meant to be, but Yann is hard-headed. We haven't been able to do much, really." He sighs. "Ellie says he's too much fire for her to handle sometimes."
I scoff. "And she's expecting me to, what? Be the water to his fire?" I say, fully aware that this has to be the lamest analogy ever.
Will's brows furrow at my words. "That's a very metaphorical way of putting it. I would phrase that more simply: you don't take shit from Yann and that could serve him right."
"How so?"
"Well, you and I refuse to see Yann as the vulnerable puppy Ellie sees him. That could –"
"Then why aren't you the fire to his water?" Repeating the words sound odd to me. The fire to his water, what the heck is this?
He ponders my question for a moment. "I think in a way, I don't really accept Yann. I mean, I don't agree at all with the choices he's made, I don't agree with pretty much everything Yann does. Which, if we keep up with the metaphor here, means that as water, I would kill his fire." He cringes as he says the words – yes, my metaphor is that lame. Then he continues, "Ellie lets him do whatever he wants, she's like the freaking wind that amps the fire. But you, you're like a mix of both."
It's now my turn to ponder his words for a moment. "So, if I get this right," I start slowly, "you're saying I could, what?Contain his fire and prevent him from doing much damage?"
Will nods. "That's exactly that."
"But from doing much damage to whom exactly?"
I see a faint desolation in Will's eyes as he says. "Himself."
That's all I need to understand that Yann is on a self-destructive path. I didn't know that yet. I thought he just felt lonely. Loneliness and self-destruction are two different things but they can be equally dangerous. Worse, they can be deadly when put together. If Yann is both lonely and self-destructive, that's not good. At all.
I want to ask – gosh, I am dying to ask – but I know I won't get answers. So I don't ask. I close my eyes in fatigue and exasperation. With the help of my fingers, I rub my temples, gently massaging, soothing the pain away.
"I feel worse than a scientist who keeps asking questions nonstop to himself."
"Then stop asking yourself questions."
I step further away from Will, my headache forgotten as I let a wave of anger flood over me. "He's bothersome, okay? Do you get that?" There it is again, the skeptical side of me, the one that refuses to see good in Yann.
As soon as the words leave my lips, I want to take them back. Yes, he is bothersome. But screaming the words out like that makes it sound like I am not willing to make an effort. And that is not true. I am determined to make every effort. If Ellie and Will believe that I can do something, make Yann realize that he is missing out on so many things, I will do it.
"I know. He's a real pain in the ass. But he's got his reasons. Valid ones," he insists, "and I think that's why I deal with him."
Everyone one keeps talking about those reasons that make him who he is. I wish I knew. With Ollie, I knew before I started befriending him. And it helped to know exactly what I was saving him from. But with Yann, I am completely in the dark. I just know I should learn to see more, and hopefully, help him to see more of himself as well.
I did it once. I can do it twice, right?
***
The next day, Ellie is getting ready to go out with Yann to replace the TV and the lamp. While she is getting dressed upstairs, I make my way downstairs to the kitchen, in need of breakfast to appease my raging stomach. When I walk into the kitchen, I proceed to make my pancakes and make myself a bowl of cereals and milk. No time for bacon or omelet this morning, I am too hungry.
I am licking my fingers when I hear Ellie shout from upstairs. Surprised as to what could possibly have her screaming like that, I enter the living room just as she's coming down the stairs.
"Ugh, my boss just called and said they needed me today," she says. "I called Will to pick me up."
I frown at her, wondering what the big deal is and what she called Will for. "Well it's fine, Yann can drive himself."
She rolls her eyes at me in annoyance but I know she's not annoyed with me. "He doesn't have a license."
"Oh," I say and ask, "Why did you call Will to pick you up?"
Before she can answer my question, a voice speaks up.
"We can always go tomorrow."
I swivel around to find Yann behind me. How did he get there without my hearing? Standing in the doorway, he's wearing a dark blue sleeveless t-shirt that shows off his arms and a pair of shorts that reach above his knees. He looks very casual and I prefer that look to the hoodies and jeans.
At his words, Ellie snaps at him. "I need that TV today. I need to watch my show."
My eyes widen at her murderous tone. Ellie is serious about her TV shows.
"You can always watch it on the laptop," I suggest.
I zip my lips at the glare she throws my way before she says, "I am getting that TV today." She restates, "And you are going to drive Yann there."
My head snaps up at that. "What?"
"You heard me," she says before pointing a finger at Yann who starts to protest. "And you, I don't want to hear a word. I'm not asking."
I know she is serious about her TV shows but I still risk saying, "Come on Ellie, don't you think you're being a little bit over the top? We can get the TV over the weekend."
"Tracy Graham," she starts, her voice menacing, "you better not start with me right now."
"Ellie," Yann starts saying but she cuts him off.
"Not a word, Yann. You broke the TV, it's fine, I'm not mad," she says, "but I will be mad if I don't get one back today."
A loud motor at the front of the house makes a lot of noise and I know Will has arrived to pick her up. Ellie tosses her car keys at me as she makes her way to the front door.
"When I get back, this TV better be there or I swear to you guys," she casts one last glare in our direction, "I will rip your heads off."
The front door slams closed.
I turn to face Yann who's looking at me with an angry expression. I'm not sure why he's angry. From the prospect of having to share a car with me for hours or for being bossed around by Ellie? I wonder which it is.
"Could you hurry up already? I don't have all day."
The jerk.
•••
Chapter 12, helping Tracy understand a little more about Yann though it's not much yet. All in good time :)