"You old softie.
You have already decided to let her stay, haven't you?"
.
"Who?" I asked, innocently.
.
Betty kissed me.
"I love you."
.
We walked into the common room.
Russell was perched on the back of an armchair and Bob was standing by him.
I pointed at Russell.
.
"I promise, Krall. No shit."
.
I walked to the bar and poured Betty and I a drink.
"To love."
.
She kissed me.
"To love."
.
We drank our drinks and I refilled them.
I looked at Russell.
"What ... the ... hell ...
is going on ...
with you two."
.
"Yes," Betty chirped in.
"What is with the honey and sweetie and all that crap?
Are you like gay crow and rat?"
.
"Gay?"
Russell looked surprised.
"Why would you think I am gay?"
.
"Well, Bob is a male rat," Betty reminded him.
.
"Yea?"
Russell was still surprised looking.
"And your point is?"
.
"Russell. You are a male crow," I reminded him.
.
"WHAT?"
He turned around and showed us his privates.
"Does that look male?"
.
I looked at Betty.
She looked at me.
We looked at each other.
We looked at Russell.
We looked away from Russell.
.
"WELL?" he / she / it snapped again.
.
"Your name is Russell," I barked at him.
.
"Your name is Krall," he barked back.
.
"That is not the point.
Russell is a man's name."
.
"Says who?" Russell snapped.
.
"Says ...
the entire world."
.
"Maybe your world, Krall, but on my world, Russell is a female name."
He / she ...
okay she ...
shit on my arm chair.
.
"Stop shitting on my chair," I barked at her.
.
"Stop upsetting me," she barked back.
.
"Stop.
Stop being a ...
woman with a man's name."
.
"You stop being a man with a woman's name."
Russell was breathing hard, feathers ruffled.
.
Bob was petting her head.
"That's okay, sweetie.
He didn't know."
.
"How could he not know?" Russell sobbed.
.
"He is not from our planet, sweetie."
.
I was shaking my head, furiously.
"And ...
I thought you two hated each other."
.
Russell looked at Bob.
Bob looked at Russell.
.
"STOP LOOKING AT EACH OTHER."
.
Betty rubbed my arm.
"Calm down baby.
You didn't know."
.
"Why didn't he tell me?" I sobbed.
.
"Why didn't you ask?" Russell cried.
"I thought you were my friend."
.
"Why didn't you tell me?
I thought you were my friend."
Now i was crying.
.
Betty led me to Russell.
"Why don't you too hug and make up?"
.
I gave Russell a hug, petting her back feathers.
"I am sorry. I didn't know."
.
"Me too."
She rubbed my head with her wing.
.
"Awwwwww. So cute."
We looked to the entrance to the common room.
Calvin was standing there, looking at the iPad.
"Awwwwwwww. So cute."
.
"You're repeating yourself, Calvin."
.
He looked up suddenly.
"Oh. Hi guys."
He looked back at the iPad.
"The little kitten is dancing."
.
"Aren't you supposed to be in the kitchen?" Betty wondered.
.
Calvin was still laughing.
"Harold and the Humping chick are humping."
.
"WHAT?"
.
Calvin sat down on the couch, his eyes glued to the iPad.
"Awwwwwwwwwwww. So cute."
.
"CALVIN?"
Betty and I both yelled at him.
.
He looked up.
"Oh. Hi guys. When did you come back?"
.
"Come back where, Calvin?" I wondered.
.
"To the kit..."
He looked around.
"...chen?"
He smiled, sheepishly.
"Oops. Shit."
.
I shook my head.
"For God's sake."
.
Betty and I headed for the kitchen.
.
"I wouldn't go in there ..."
"What the f...," I almost swore.
.
"What the fuck," Betty did swear, her hair now fire red.
.
How does she do that?
.
"Hun, I thought you didn't like the F word."
.
"Well there is a fucking time and fucking place for the word fuck.
And now is the fucking time."
.
"... if I were you," Calvin finished, as he joined us in the kitchen, still glued to the iPad.
.
Harold and the Humping girl were humping.
On the kitchen table.
.
"HAROLD!!!"
They rolled off the table and fell to the floor with a loud ...
THUMP.
How does that happen?
.
I looked around.
There was no one else in the kitchen.
.
Harold and Birdie stood up, adjusting their clothes.
"Oh. Hi Krall," Harold blushed.
.
"What are you doing, Harold?"
"Birdie ... well she had ...
something in her ..."
.
"I saw what she had in her," I said, holding up my hands.
"And it will haunt my dreams."
I looked around.
"Where are they?"
.
"Who?"
.
I picked up the rope from the floor.
"That's not my rope," Harold snipped.
"I never saw it before."
.
Birdie smiled.
"You like to tie me up with ropes, big boy?"
.
"Oh my God."
.
Betty rubbed my arm.
"Baby. remember your high blood pressure."
.
I don't have high blood pressure.
"I don't have high blood pressure."
.
"Well you might before this is over," she assured me.
.
I nodded.
"CALVIN?"
.
He appeared next to me, still looking at the iPad.
.
I took it from him and tossed it on the counter, next to the sink.
Of course, it slipped off the counter and into the sink.
Which was filled with dirty soapy water.
.
"That was not my fault," Calvin defended himself.
.
I showed him the rope.
"Where are Officer Seaman and Dip Shit?"
.
"They had to go, so I let them free."
.
"I told you to watch them."
.
Calvin nodded.
"And I did and then I got bored and they wanted to go somewhere with Nick and Nicky and I was bored anyway and Harold and Birdie were making out and I was watching dancing kitties.
They are so cute. You should see, but you threw the iPad in the sink and it is probably ruined now.
Will you be buying a new one?
And they wouldn't play 20 questions, so I let them go."
.
I was stunned.
Betty was stunned.
Birdie was stunned.
Harold was stunned.
.
Calvin ...?
Calvin was just stun.
.
"Where did they go, Calvin?" I asked, as calmly as I could.
.
"Back to town.
They said something about having to go to Queens."
.
I looked at Betty.
"They are going to get Mom."
.
"Isn't Queens in New York?"
.
We stared at Calvin.
"Go to your room," I snapped, pointing to the door.
.
"I don't have a room," he reminded me.
.
"Then go and find a room and stay there."
I was at my breaking point.
.
"Can I have your room?" Calvin inquired.
.
"RUSSELL?"
.
Russell flew into the kitchen and landed on my shoulder.
"Yes, hun."
.
I shook my head.
I pointed at Calvin.
"Eat his soul."
.
Russell smiled.
.
Calvin screamed and ran out of the kitchen.
.
"BANZAI," Russell yelled as she and Bob flew after Calvin.
.
I turned to Harold.
"Where are the keys to the van?"
.
He reached into his pocket, pulled out the keys and tossed them to me.
.
"How do you do that?"
.
"Where else where I keep the keys?"
.
I couldn't argue with him.
"Where is the van parked?" I whispered.
.
"At the Indian burial grounds."
.
I was almost in tears.
"What is it doing there?"
.
"I went there to get Birdie."
.
"I know that, Harold.
Why is it still there?"
.
Birdie smiled.
"Your strange wagon with no horses makes much noise. It scares me.
So Harold and Birdie walked here."
.
"Harold?" I whispered.
.
"Yes," he whispered back.
.
I put the keys on the table, gently.
I motioned for him to come closer.
He leaned across the table.
.
"Harold." My sweetest, whispery voice.
.
"Yess, Krall."
His sweetest whispery voice.
.
"GO AND GET THE FUCKING VAN."
.
He froze, staring at me wide eyed.
.
"NOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW."
.
He grabbed Birdie and they ran out of the kitchen ...
through the walls.
.
I could still hear Calvin screaming.
Sounded like Russell had chased him into the basement.
.
Betty sat in my lap.
"Baby? Why don't we go upstairs and let me help you relieve some of that tension."
She kissed me gently.
"You mean what I think you mean?"
She winked.
"Come on. Harold will be at least a half hour."
.
I got to my feet quickly and we ran out of the kitchen, through the common room and to the stairs to the second floor.
We were just about to run up the stairs, when Harold appeared in front of us, holding the keys to me.
.
He was panting.
"Van's outside."
He gave me the keys and sat on the stairs.
.
"How did you get back so fast?
.
He smiled.
"It was a funny thing.
I forgot that I didn't take the van at all."
.
"But I heard the van leave."
.
"Oh. I was going to take it, but I remembered that Birdie didn't like the van so I brought it back and walked to the burial grounds."
He let out a long sigh.
.
I let out a longer sigh.
"I'm surrounded by idiots."