I stared at the still liquor bottle on my bedroom floor.
I had no desire to taste the foul alcohol again; the memory of the feeling of my throat being set aflame after swallowing it almost enough of a reason to head back to my parents room to put it back. Landon and Colton had shared a bottle early this year for Landon's eighteen birthday and had offered me the bottle. I had known that it was both a test and a genuine concern on my brother's end; he was anxiously anticipating me spitting the liquid out and not coming within a hundred feet of a bottle again. Under normal circumstances, the thought would have had my face twisted in disgust and my tongue trying to rid the memory of the bitterness.
Now it took all of my willpower not to down the whole bottle.
I knew within a few swings everything would start to fade. No more unwanted thoughts or flashbacks. I wouldn't have to be caught under Kevin Marshall's piercing eyes every time I closed my own.
Even if it was only for a short time, I'd be able to escape.
I stretched my legs out in front of me before lowering myself from the edge of my bed to the ground and grasping the cold bottle. I stared at the translucent alcohol for a moment, then set the cap on the carpet beside me and took a swing from the bottle. I immediately lurched forward, ready to spit it out, but squeezed my eyes shut and forced it down instead. A quiet whimper broke passed the surface of my chapped lips feeling the stinging in my raw throat.
Prying my eyes back open, I took another swing.
This time it went down without a fight.
Setting the bottle aside, I stretched my arm out and tore one of my pillows from where it laid against my headboard. I unraveled the end of the case and slowly pulled the red cloth from where it was hidden under the pillow. Throwing my pillow back on the bed, I stared at the jacket until it became a blurry red splotch.
I clutched it tightly in my hands before sending it flying across the room.
"I hate you!" my hoarse yell sounded throughout my empty room. I awaited my brother's or Colton's footsteps, both relieved and confused when the house remained silent. Some part me of expected it to shout back.
I scratched at my damp cheeks, afraid the tears would stain them. Landon didn't need to be worried about me; not anymore. There were things in this world he couldn't shield me from and myself was one of them.
Resting my forehead against my legs to try and recollect my fuzzy thoughts, I shot to my feet, swept the bottle from the floor, and headed for my open window. I set the bottle on the sill and slipped out before reaching back through and curling my fingers around the neck of the cold glass. I kept my eyes trained on the shingles until they flattened and unveiled Landon's old black sleeping bag. I sat down without looking back toward the window a few feet away and stared blankly at the night sky.
I had always been fascinated with the cycle of the moon; new moons in particular. Landon had mentioned a countless number of times that he hated them because of the darkness of the sky. I would always remind him that it was because of that stark darkness that we were able to see the beauty of light. As I sat outside under the stars, I found myself wishing for darkness. In the dark, I wouldn't have to face myself. In the dark I could scream at the top of my lungs and nobody would no who I am.
In the dark I didn't have to face the girl I'd become.
Staring at the bottle between my legs for a moment, I shut my eyes and took another drink. I nearly dropped the bottle when a thud sounded in my bedroom behind me, a good portion of the alcohol soaking into the front of my jeans. Fearful it was Landon, I pushed the bottle away and started to stand to peak back into my room. I froze midway when Colton seated himself on the window sill and stared me down as if I looked as shitty as I felt.
It didn't take a rocket scientist to guess he'd just gotten home from one of his late night runs. His hair was matted to his forehead with sweat, glistening beads of it still rolling down the sides of his forehead and on to his cheeks like silent tears. The gray tank top he was wearing clung to him with a spot of sweat across his chest as big as the mess that had just been spilt across my lap.
Finally, he broke the silence with a sad look. "Why are you doing this to yourself, Avery?"
I averted my eyes and shook my head down at the front yard.
"I don't know what you're talking about."
He stayed quiet so long I had to sneak a look to ensure that he was still there. When he caught my eye, he made a gesture toward my stomach, then the liquor bottle not-so-well hidden on the other side of me.
"You've dropped at least fifty pounds this last summer." he said. "I don't know who the fuck you're trying to get back at with this shit, or possibly impress, but you're going to end up killing yourself."
I snapped back before I could stop myself.
"What's it to you, Pretty Boy? Everything is fine in your perfect little world. You don't know me, so stop pretending you give a shit. You only care because you're Landon's best friend, and if something happens to me, you lose him."
Colton's cold laugh startled me a little.
"I care because there's clearly something going on with you, Avery, and as much as you wish to be right, I do care about you." he paused. "And my life isn't perfect, sweetheart. I live with a hatred for myself every day. I want to down that whole bottle of liquor, I want to scream at the top of my lungs how much I hate the world, I want to disappear. But I can't. I can't because my mother is dying and she needs me. I can't because Landon still gives a shit about me and he'd be reeling in an even larger abyss of chaos than he already is."
I opened my mouth to try and get a word in, but Colton's eyes were on the night sky-possibly somewhere far beyond that.
"He pays the God Damn bills, he risked his own ass to get you out of foster care, he buys the groceries and the clothes on your back. And this, hurting yourself, is how you're going to show your gratitude for all that he's done?" he said bitterly. "I don't know what's going on with you, Avery, and I told you I'm here if you want to talk, but this has got to stop. You can't keep doing this to Landon. You're hurting him as much as you're hurting yourself."
A hysterical laugh broke through my trembling lips at the comment.
"It's my life. It's my body. It's my God Damn mind." I shot Colton a dark look. "Landon can try and feel what I do, try to empathize or pity me all he wants, but he will never feel what I feel. Never."
A hostility entered Colton's eyes, but I shook my head before he could muster up another defense.
"Leave me alone, Colton." I whispered into the dark night, avoiding looking at him.
"Ave-"
"I said go!" I screamed. "Leave!"
I bit into my bottom lip to stop it from trembling, clenching my hand to a fist on my lap. The coppery taste of blood wasn't enough to distract me from my guilt-or the sound of Colton shifting in the sill. I turned my head a fraction, my heart sinking somewhere far deeper than the pit of my empty stomach at the expression of guilt he wore himself. For the first time in the sixteen years I'd known him, Colton Hunter was wearing his heart on his sleeve with an open vulnerability. His eyes, fixated on me, held my gaze for a minute before he nodded and ducked back into my bedroom.
I pressed my forearm against my mouth to hold back a sob once I heard the sound of my door clicking shut, signaling his departure. I stared at the blurry bottle beside me before downing more of it, the sting fading into a numbness that continued to spread through the rest of my body.
I pushed the bottle aside and laid out across the black sleeping bag, curling slowly into a fetal position and grabbing a handful of the slick material in my hand and screaming into it. All I wanted in that moment was to be somewhere, anywhere, but here.
***AN***
*Unedited*
Sorry for the late update guys!
I hope you guys enjoyed the chapter nonetheless!
Let me know what you guys think/thought!