F E A R
"I F I C O U L D S M O K E F E A R A W A Y
I' D R O L L T H A T M O T H E R F U C K A U P"
Solana
I sat in the bathtub and watched the water trickle down from my ankle and back into the soapy water. I knew I had to figure it what I had left to do since Bakari decided that he wants to continue to be a hard ass. I looked at my phone and realized what today was, and why exactly I was feeling shitty; no matter how many times I tried to push the date out of my head, I knew it would keep finding its way back in somehow.
Today was my moms birthday.
Deep down, I wanted to call them, but I knew she wouldn't answer me— her or my dad. To say I missed and needed them was an understatement, but the only person who could always get me out of these funks was Bakari. He'd always talk me down from the ledge that I was on whenever I'd get to this point. After he left me, I had to learn how to cope with everything myself, but it never worked as well as his did.
I realized that tears were coming down my face when I unintentionally sniffed and started hyperventilating. I couldn't even force myself to get out the bathtub, so I just sunk further and further down and continued to cry until I couldn't even catch my breath. My heart was beating so fast and my body started shaking uncontrollably until my sobs turned into screams and the water in the tub started slapping against the floors.
"Solana!" Lauryn called and banged at the door, "What's wrong?"
I couldn't even get any words out, and that's when I realized I was having an anxiety attack. She quickly came into the bathroom and looked around at the water that was on the floor and me with my arms clutching myself. "Lana!" She ran over, avoiding the water spills and grabbed my arms. "Shhh... Solana, you need to breathe. Okay? Breathe. Look at me." She took my face into her hands, making me stop and look at her although my body kept shaking. "Shit." She mumbled and went to grab my towel.
Her hands went under my arms and pulled me out of the water, doing her usual routine when this happens. She wrapped me in the towel and sat against the wall in the large bathroom, pulling me to her lap and cradling my head as she rocked me. "I need you to breathe, Lana. Please? I don't like seeing you like this— breathe." She whispered and rubbed her thumb against my temple in small circles.
Within minutes, everything calmed down and my head rested against her knees as I laid in the fetal position. She didn't stop rubbing my head before I spoke up, "Thank you. I really hate when you have to see me like this." I sniffed.
She chuckled softly and shook her head. "It's what I'm here for." Aside from Bakari, Lauryn was the only person I ever let see me like this; not even Isis did. Lauryn first witnessed everything when I was finally out of prison and I tried to get an update on where my parents were; only to find out that they meant what they said about disowning me and cutting off all contact.
"I know you don't wanna talk about it.... but Solana, it's the only way I can try to help more than what I do. You're like my big sister; seeing you like this? Hurts me. So please, why does this happen? Is this normal?" Lauryn frowned.
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N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 2
"Stop it!" I laughed and pushed Bakari away from my neck when we got up towards my parents house... I couldn't keep saying that it was mine too since I'd be leaving for school soon.
"You sure they're not here?" He questioned and leaned against the doorframe.
"Yeah, they told me they were going to Bible Study tonight." One of the other reasons that I had to work even harder to keep Bakari a secret, was because when I say my parents would douse me in holy oil, I mean it. My dads a Pastor at a Baptist Church in the community, making my mom a First Lady; even though she also works as a nurse; and making me the 'typical' Pastors daughter. It was like living two different lives from when I was around them, to me being around Bakari.
Last week, they almost lashed out on me because they found me sneaking into the house late at night after seeing Bakari, and almost caught the hickey that was on my neck... also his fault.
I knew I couldn't keep relying on Janiece to help me sneak around because she was starting to become really distant, and would watch Bakari and I really closely. He kept telling me that he didn't trust her, but I never really saw her as any threat to either of us.
I opened the door quickly and felt him pick me up and push my back against the wall. "You're driving me crazy." He mumbled and took my chin between his fingers and kissed me hungrily. I chuckled and cupped his cheeks, returning the kiss before pulling away.
"I didn't even do anything— be careful! I can't see. If we break anything in here, that's my ass. They're already catching on to me acting different." I grinned and ran my thumb against his bottom lip.
"They're gonna have to catch on sometime, baby. I'm tired of having to constantly wait for what's already mine."
"You won't have to do much more waiting." I smirked and kissed his lips before moving towards his jaw, only to have the lights in the house cut on, making both of us freeze.
"Janiece?" I frowned and watched her stand against the wall, rubbing her arm nervously. "What the hell are you doing in my house? How did you even get in here—"
"Don't be mad at me." She said quickly.
Bakari gently let me down and stood next to me. "She shouldn't be mad at you for breaking into her house?"
"That's not why you're gonna be mad at me." She mumbled.
I frowned and looked at how she constantly rubbed her arm and only made eye contact with me every few seconds before looking away. "Janiece... what did you do?" I said slowly.
Soon enough the front door opened and there stood both of my parents, with the most pissed off expression on their faces. I turned to look at Janiece and frowned. "Did you set this up?!"
"You knew this was coming! I've been telling you for weeks that I didn't agree with what you both had going on; I didn't wanna say anything to them, but I felt like I had to!"
"You didn't have to do shit!" I yelled at her and felt Bakari grab my waist.
"Breathe." He mumbled but didn't break eye contact with my dad.
"Solana, you have two minutes to tell me who the hell this is and what you've been doing with him." My dad snapped and crossed his arms. I looked at my mom for some type of comfort, but that was long gone.
"T-this is my boyfriend, Michael." I stuttered and looked at Bakari, knowing to use his actual first name. Bakari extended his hand politely, but my dad refused to shake it. Bakari smirked and shook his head, standing next to me still.
"I met him through some friends—"
"Stop lying to us, Solana." My mom sighed. "Janiece came and told us everything." She shook her head in disappointment. As soon as she said everything, I knew what that meant.
She didn't just tell her about me sneaking around with Bakari for the past few months, but she told them about me smoking, drinking, sneaking out the house, hanging around with 'the wrong crowd', getting let into clubs... literally, everything.
I turned to look at her and she had the same blank look on her face, and instantly, it felt like my heart was beating out my chest and I saw red. I tried to rush over to her and grab her, but Bakari's arms wrapped around my waist, pulling me against his chest.
"Boy, don't you touch my daughter!" My dad yelled and tried to walk over. Bakari looked him up and down and frowned.
"You want me to let her go and beat the shit out of her best friend? Is that really what you want?"
"Watch your mouth in this house." My mom spat and crossed her arms. I relaxed in his arms while he continued to hold me despite what my dad told him.
"I trusted you, Janiece!" I felt the tears prickling at the corners of my eyes, and she looked at me like she didn't even care. I guess Bakari was right about her for the longest... I just didn't want to believe it.
"Solana, why the sneaking around? And with him? A hoodlum? You have so much going for you— you're on your way to college!" My dad yelled and paced the floor.
"A hoodlum?" Chuckled Bakari. I put my hand to his chest to stop him, basically begging him not to say anything with my eyes. He clenched his jaw and sighed heavily.
"You've been out here sneaking around with him, drinking, smoking the devils lettuce, lying about where you've been... I wouldn't be surprised if he tricked you into giving him your virginity! Turning you into some whore that he'll eventually run through." My dad continued to rant, and my mom didn't even stop him.
"Its not like he found me, I found him— he wouldn't do anything like that to me... we haven't even slept together, daddy. I promise!" He scoffed and walked away from me, so I decided to follow after my mom since he didn't care to listen.
"Mom, please!" I begged and she shook her head. "Mom, I swear! If I would've told you all about him, how would you have reacted? He's not like how you guys think he is, ma. I love him—" before I could even finish, I felt a hard sting on my cheek, and almost by instinct; I grabbed my cheek.
"Don't you dare say you love him! How can you love somebody who you met at a club and isn't gonna do anything but make you a mom at an early age and leave your ass as soon as another woman walks by." She hissed at me. Bakari came next to me and moved my hand from my cheek to look and see if any marks or bruising would be left.
"Didn't I tell you not to touch—"
"Deadass? I could give two fucks about what you have to say. Your wife just slapped the shit out of your daughter and you're worried about me?"
"She's her mother! She can do whatever she wants!"
Bakari chuckled against and pulled me to his side. "You're a Pastor, right? Speak heavily on what comes out the Bible?"
My dad nodded his head. "Exactly. Then you should know that one of the commandments says that children should honor their parents or their days will be numbered."
Bakari nodded his head. "The Bible also says that parents shouldn't provoke their children... you obviously missed that part. Trust me, if I wanted to hurt your daughter, don't you think I wouldn't done that by now and not have kept her around me for this long? If I wanted to sell her to niggas on the street? I could've. If I wanted to get her addicted to drugs? I could've. But I didn't. And you?" He pointed over at Janiece who stood quietly the whole time, fear now sitting in her eyes when he acknowledged her.
"I should've took care of your ass as soon as I knew you were on some snake shit. But why? Your own best friend?" Bakari walked over to her slowly, antagonizing her like he did to those who went against him. He was a king at manipulating people and getting in their heads, and he played it to his advantage.
"Because She was always able to do everything!" Janiece yelled in his face, making me frown. "Solana always got whatever guy she wanted— no matter where she went! She had everything she ever wanted. Why couldn't I have any of it! Then she meets you in a club and everything just goes great for her! She gets to live this double life and I get to be her decoy? I'm not cool with that! As soon as they started realizing something was wrong with her, it was either gonna be I keep her secrets and let her continue to live this far from perfect life, or I tell them and stop it!"
"You're a bitch." I chuckled bitterly and shook my head. "Regardless, I took you everywhere with me! I wanted you to enjoy life with me... not be stuck in this caged in mentality that we've been living in, but you didn't want it! I could kill you right now!"
"I wouldn't be the first person you killed." She grinned evilly and my heart fell. Bakari turned to look at her quickly before looking back at me.
"What did she just say?" He mumbled.
"What does she mean, Solana?" My dad walked over to me.
"I-I don't know what she's talking about." I shook my head.
"Yeah you do," her voice went up and octave. "Remember Maya? The girl that he was cheating on you with? I saw the messages on your phone when you came over my house and went to the bathroom, Solana. Do your parents know about that? That you killed someone over a boy?"
She was playing with fire now. If I could kill her on sight, I would.
"Solana, tell me she's lying, baby." My moms hands shook, and I was ten seconds from having a breakdown. "Solana, tell us that Janiece is lying."
"Mrs. Farris, I have nothing to lie about." Janiece mumbled.
Bakari's hand slid into mine, almost like he was wanting to comfort me in any way possible.
"I-I didn't mean to—" I broke.
"Damnit, Solana!" My dad yelled and flipped over one of the tables before sitting on the couch and holding his head in between his hands. The room grew quiet, but I could hear my mom whimpering and praying.
"Janiece, go home." My dad mumbled to her, and she nodded before walking towards the door. Almost on instinct, I reached out and got a grip of her hair, pulling her to the floor. I fell on top of her and constantly connected my fist to her face.
"Solana!" My dad yelled and tried to grab Janiece, but I wouldn't let her go, no matter how many times she screamed, my dad yelled, or my mom tried to grab my arms.
"Lana," Bakari came behind me and mumbled in my ear. "Babygirl, you gotta let her go. She's not worth it... she'll get handled later." I slowly let her go as he pulled me away from her.
She kicked her legs and rushed towards the door, holding her nose as blood trickled down it and her lip. "Fuck you, Solana! Are you crazy?!"
"Get out before I regret even letting you go!"
She slammed the door, making my dad huff.
Minutes of silence passed before my mom spoke. "Solana... I don't want to know anything else about what you did. If you... if you killed someone and nobody else knows. Baby, we can keep it that way!" She looked at my dad and he nodded his head. "You have a full ride to college, nobody will know. It can be between us. You don't have long left until you leave... go to school, and don't mention anything of this."
My dad looked up at me with hard eyes; harder than they've ever been. "I'll tell you this; and I'm not asking you, I'm telling you." He pointed at me, walking closer to get in my face. "You have too much to lose. As of today, you're focusing on college. This thing you have going on with him? It's over. I don't want to see you with him, find out you're speaking to him, or anything. You two are done as of today."
"She's a grown ass woman at this point; who are you to decide this for her exactly?" Bakari argued.
"Her damn father who's part of the reason why she's here. Let me tell you something, I don't want to catch you around her. She has goals she needs to meet and I don't need you being her damn roadblock. Solana, do you understand me?"
I looked from my dad to Bakari and bit my lip.
"If you choose to stay with this, then you can kiss living here and this family goodbye." My mom interjected.
"Are you serious? Mom... this is taking it too far!" I yelled.
"You make the choice, Solana! I can handle a daughter who is going through a phase because of her calling herself being with a boy, but I'll be damned to put up with you and this shit of you stay with him. If you stay with him... say goodbye to college."
My mouth fell open and my eyes started to water even more. "Ma—"
"Don't 'ma' me! I'm tired of this shit, Solana! You've been acting different for months now! We never thought this would be the reason why! So it's either you decide to leave this man before he turns you into one of his other whores and ends up in jail and go to college, or you choose to be with him and kiss all of this shit goodbye!" She yelled.
I was crying like a baby at this point. If this was someone else, who I didn't begin growing this close bond to, and wasn't this in love with... would I leave? In a heartbeat. But, with him I couldn't. And for them to even discuss kicking me out and being done with me? I knew they were upset right now, but I had no clue if they would mean it days later.
"Baby." Bakari looked at me and took my face in his hands. "I don't need you giving up shit for me, okay?"
"Michael, no—" I pleaded, knowing where this was going. "Don't... don't you dare."
"Whatever you decide? I won't be upset. Imma be out in the car." He gave me a small smile, and it didn't reach his eyes like it normally would when he'd talk to me. "I'll give you thirty minutes— but I want you to think hard about this, baby. Not for me, but for you. If you don't come out to the car, I'll understand. And I want you to go to college, and do all of that shit you always told me about... the shit that made you excited?" He nodded his head. I nodded mine back and he brushed his thumb under my eyes, collecting the tears that were coming down. "Don't think about shit else that happened when you were here. If it happens and you find someone else... imma be pissed." He joked, but I knew he was serious. "But I'll understand. Your family comes first in everything; even if they're being some bitches right now."
"Michael—" i whimpered.
"But, if thirty minutes pass and you walk out that door and come to me, then it's just me and you, babygirl. And you know I'll take care of you and always be here for you. You know anything you need I'd always make sure you have it. I'm not pressuring you. I want you to make this choice for you. Okay?"
I nodded and bit at my lip to stop myself from crying again, but as always; it failed.
He pecked my lips four times like he always did, but this time; he said something that he never said,
"I love you, Solana. No matter what."
He sighed and moved away from me, grabbing his keys and bumping shoulders with my dad. Typical Bakari. He closed the front door and both of my
Parents turned to look at me.
"So what's it gonna be, Solana?"
Bakari
I stayed in the car and tapped my fingers against the steering wheel. Deep down, I had a feeling that she'd choose her family and education. I wouldn't be surprised.
What took me by surprise is her admitting that she loved me, and me even vocally admitting that I loved her; even before we had sex. I loved that girl. She made it easy to love her.
I wanted to smack the shit out of her dad, cuss out her mom, and kill Janiece. Even if Solana chose to go to school, I'd still kill her ass. She was the reason why all of this even got started, and Solana's parents taking it to another level didn't even help.
I love her, but her parents are hypocrites. How could her dad be a Pastor, and want to preach about not judging one another, children respecting their parents, sins, and a the nine yards, but can be so quick to judge, himself? And his wife was no help. She just co-signed until she wanted to comment and throw more fuel to the fire.
I could see why Solana would want to live a different life now. She was tired of living the life her parents wanted to plan out for her— she could barely be her own person and experience her own things. This is why she was a thrill chaser. I felt bad for her.
Thirty minutes went by and she still hadn't came outside. I was a little hurt, but not shocked. "Fuck." I mumbled and rubbed my hands against my eyes. This was a long day, and not how I intended on it to end. I wanted to leave with my girl with me. No matter the circumstances.
I looked down at my phone and saw no texts or even a call from her. I reached in my pocket to grab my keys to start my car and leave, when I heard the passenger door open and saw her slide in with tears in her eyes and she managed a fake smile. She had a soft pink blanket in her hands and she pulled her hair back into its ponytail. "I get the rest of my things tomorrow." She looked forward out the window. "I'm kicked out and disowned." She now looked at me.
I pulled her over into my arms and kissed her forehead repeatedly. "You know I'll take care of you, mamas. Never worry about that." I mumbled against her hair. She nodded and kissed me quickly. I looked at her cheek and noticed where she got slapped was starting to turn a soft purple before noticing another one on her other cheek that wasn't there when I left out.
She must have noticed me clench my jaw, because she grabbed my hand quickly. "Baby, no. I don't wanna go back in there— it's fine. I just wanna leave."
"Who did it?"
"My dad." She whimpered.
I started driving away; obeying her wishes and took her hand in mine, kissing it. "One thing for sure, is that I might not be the perfect nigga out here, but you'll never have to worry about me putting my hands on you, okay?" I looked at her quickly.
"Okay." She mumbled.
"I love you. Despite how they're treating you, you know that my family will always be your family." I assured her.
We talked for a few more minutes while we drove about her plans now. She would take a year off of college to get herself situated since her parents stripped her of everything. We'd have to stop by their house early in the morning to get the rest of her things, then she'd be living with me. She had to make sure to get all of her medical information while we would be there too, just in case.
She looked so fragile. She didn't have the smile that was bright and warm, her eyes lost the little glow they had, even her skin; it was like the glow was fading. But each time she looked at me and gave me a small smile, I knew that she'd be okay— that we'd be okay, despite it all.
This girl really made a nigga soft, just for her. But I didn't mind it at all.
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"They really did all of that?!" Lauryn frowned at me. We were now in my room and I sat on my bed, adjusting myself in the towel. I nodded my head.
"When's the last time you seen them? Is that why you have these mini anxiety attacks?"
"I haven't seen them since the day I got my things and left; they meant what they said. And yeah, it's just... anything that reminds me of them... it takes me back to that night and I just shut down. I thought jail would be my worst memory, but it's still that. I just have this fear towards that memory of everything. I'll never know if they had another kid or anything." I sighed and pulled a tank top over my head and found a pair of shorts. "I even tried sending them money at some points when I was with Bakari. He'd give me money to spend when he'd make a deal or just because, and I'd take half and give them the other half in the mail, and the mail would get sent right back. It got to the point where I just had to see them, and they were gone. Packed up and moved."
"Wow, I'm sorry, Lana." She looked at me with remorse. "What about college? I thought you went?"
"I did... months after all of that happened, Bakari surprised me one day... he paid out of pocket for me to go to college to get my degree. But I told him I'd only get it if he got one with me."
"So I'm taking it he did." She chuckled.
I smiled at her and nodded. "I got my degree in criminal justice, and he got his in business management."
"How fucking cute but ironic." She smirked, making me smile and roll my eyes. "And Janiece?"
"Janiece is dead."
"He killed her?"
"I killed her." I corrected her. "I caught up to her years later when Bakari was away on business and handled her myself. I think after all those years, what she did still left a bitter taste in my mouth. She was the second person I ever killed." I shrugged.
Lauryn played with the strings that were handing from her ripped jeans before looking up at me. "Well, you're out now. Everyone's gonna know who you are— well, in a way. How are you gonna introduce yourself to the world?"
"I talked to Isis. She thinks I should have a charity ball. Invite all of the stocks that I have part of, then eventually start a business to keep money circulating even more. She's helping me get it planned as we speak, and I want you and Savanna to help me." I smiled and took her hand. Lauryn grinned and nodded.
"Hell yeah! Give me something else to do aside from breaking into accounts and software! A hoe can finally go out and look cute... do you think Bakari is gonna be there?"
I bit my lip and shrugged. "If word gets a around? I wouldn't be shocked. But, if he shows up, I'm coming prepared for any and all of his shenanigans. I still want my money, and I'm not stopping till I get it." I went to my dresser and grabbed a pre-rolled blunt and a lighter, putting it to my lips and lighting it, inhaling the smoke.
"You two were really in love at one point, huh?"
"Mmhmm. But, people change." I exhaled the smoke.
"But do you still love him?"
I took in another puff of the smoke, holding it in a bit longer.
"Love goes out the window when you do the person dirty."
"True," she nodded. "But do you ever think about the family that you both could've had if he never chose this life? The life you could've had if you didn't?" She took the blunt from my lips and took in the smoke as well before handing it back.
"Of course." I smiled. "But, I know that the normal lifestyle? Having kids, the perfect family— me being domesticated? It was never for me. This was the life I chose, and it's what I'm comfortable with."
"Did Bakari ever want that life?"
I never knew the answer to that. I knew he loved kids because of his niece. He was so wrapped up in this, I doubt he'd want to get out either; despite the odds.
"I'll never know." I leaned the blunt into the ashtray. "Now, help me plan for the charity ball. I need locations and colors while Isis gets everything together with the charities and stocks. I'm gonna need an extra set of eyes for if Bakari actually makes a grand appearance with his men; like I know he will."
The perfect life the legal way, was never for us.
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CHAPTER EDITED
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A brief piece of Solana's backstory👀
No flashbacks in the next chapter👀👀
What do you want to see happen next? 👀👀
What do you think of Janiece and Solana's Parents? 👀
This chapter was move of getting to understand one of the layers of Solana, the next chapter will be waaay different 😊
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