September 23, 2018
Later That Night
When you look up the word "love" in the dictionary, the definition you may stumble across is, "an intense feeling of deep affection". But in my opinion, love is so much more.
Love is me sitting on the couch, scared out of my mind that Connor is in danger. I've called him ten times. Every time I can only reach his voicemail box that is already filled up.
It's 9:28 P.M on a school night, but I could care less. Olivia fell asleep a few hours ago, along with the dogs who are sound asleep on the floor beside me.
After the clock strikes 10:00, I lose hope and return to our shared bedroom. I rummage through my bags I have still yet to unpack for a pair of pajamas to wear to bed. As I sit on the floor, I hear footsteps behind me.
"Olivia?" I ask.
No response.
"Olivia?" I say again, except this time I turn around.
"Connor," I gasp before standing up.
"Don't say a word," he pushes me into the wall closest to me.
His lips hungrily kiss me, as they say in the books "he kissed me like I was oxygen and he couldn't breathe".
"Connor I have school and you have work tomorrow," I push him off.
"I don't care," he pushes himself back onto me.
"We can't just have a fight and make up like this," I push him away again.
"Would you rather have a two hour talk about all of our problems?" He asks.
"Not really," I finally give in.
"That's what I thought," he smirks.
"But what about Olivia?" I stop us again.
"She can't hear us from here," he responds before beginning to remove my shirt.
I immediately become self conscious of my body and wrap my arms around myself. What if he thinks I'm too thin? What if he doesn't like my body shape?
"Quit, you're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen," he pins my hands above my head using only one of his. His words immediately give me the most confidence in the world.
He just called me the most beautiful girl he has ever seen.
He can't mean that, what about his wife?
She was stunning, her luscious blonde hair and her grey eyes. I could never compete with her. But maybe it's not about competition. I'm sure she just wants the best for Connor.
I don't want to hurt him, ever. Somewhere in the back of mind, Envie is just begging me to give him all my love, which is exactly what I try to do.
Facts are facts, Connor was heartbroken when I first met him. As we continue to grow closer, I try to collect those broken pieces and put them back together again.
But I was also broken when I first met him. I was a financially struggling girl in one of the wealthiest cities in the whole entire world.
"Connor I've never done this before," I admit.
"What, really?" He looks shocked.
"Honestly," I frown.
"Are you sure you want to? We don't have to," He un pins my hands.
"Yes, I'm sure, Connor, I've never been so sure about anything in my whole life." Maybe that's not entirely true, but for the time being, my mind sure thought it was.
He slowly removed the last of my clothing, trailing kisses down my naked body. My body ached for him to quit teasing me.
And that's how we spent our night.
Rather than having a heartfelt conversation and talking out our problems like normal, more mature couples, we slept together.
But it wasn't like I ever expected my first time to be .
I felt as if what we had was not lust, but love.
Don't date the person who makes your heart jump out of your chest anytime you see them. Date the person who makes you feel comfortable at all times, no matter what you're doing.
If you feel uncomfortable eating pizza in front of them, they're not the one for you. Though it may sound like a strange connection to decide if that is truly the one for you, it's something to seriously think about.
At first I felt so insecure about my body, but why? Connor loves me for me. My weirdness, my smartness, my kindness. That's what he fell in love with, he couldn't care less if I was America's next top model or not.
Everyone is going to get old and ugly someday, unless you're Ellen, so why not be old and ugly with someone who is funny, amazing, and kind?
When you finally meet that person, congratulations , you have experienced love, not lust.