This is gonna sorta be a mini-series but they are all unrelated. Sorta like what I think are the deeper and sadder thoughts of the members.
Tzuyu always felt a bit strayed from the group. All she could think about was the J-Line. They were foreign like her. But why could the speak Korean so much better? Mina was there for even less time than her. But even Mina was more fluent. Plus J-Line could always talk in Japanese to confide in each other. Meanwhile Tzuyu being the Taiwanese member had no one to confide in. She used to chat with Jackson-sunbaenim, as he spoke mandarin and understood the struggles. But they're both so busy with their schedules and it's almost impossible to know or even predict where Jackson would be next. Tzuyu was always jealous over the fact that the J-Line was able to get so close with the Korean members because of their good Korean speaking skills, while Tzuyu stuttered often and had to think a lot. She couldn't think of witty comebacks and even if she did, she couldn't form it into a korean sentence quick enough, for it to still be funny and relevant to the conversation. She sometimes didn't understand jokes that all the members were laughing at. She especially had a hard time with movies. She sometimes didn't watch movies even when the entirety of her group wanted to have a movie bonding night.
She simply didn't want to burden them with her subtitles. She felt that subtitles would be okay for J-Line as there were more then 1 person. Tzuyu feels like a burden. Even if she stayed and watched, she would zone out a lot. She sometimes couldn't even understand all of the movie's dialogue. She found it so frustrating. How come she couldn't be as good as the others? How come that even though she studied harder and longer, that she wasn't able to fluently speak the language. She hated it. She couldn't blame anybody. It was her own fault for being useless. She should've studied harder, studied more, then maybe she could've gotten closer with her members. But she didn't. She felt like she didn't try hard enough. She's suffering. And to add salt to the injury, Twice debuted in Japan.
She could barely speak fluent Korean, nonetheless another language/ She often suffered sleep issues. Her group members thought she was trying to sleep earlier, but in reality she hid in her room earlier to study. She was embarrassed, she didn't want her members, especially those that shared the room with her, to know. She simply didn't want them to know she suffered.
"I can power through this myself. This isn't hard, I just need to try harder. I can risk a couple hours of sleep. I can try even harder. If I don't, I'm holding my group down." These were only some of the things she told herself on a daily basis.
Things only got worse when she realized how close the Korean members were with the Japanese members. They spoke as if they were friends of many years. The japanese members spoke such fluent Korean, that one wouldn't be able to tell that they weren't Korean.
Tzuyu hated herself/ She hated the fact that she was so weak. She despised it. But who is to blame but her?
She was jealous of Kyulkyung, the two girls often spoke after meeting on a reality show. She always felt better after walking with Kyulkyung as she could speak and text in Chinese freely. A language that she is able to fluently speak. But whenever she saw Kyulkyung on TV she got jealous. "We're both chinese and joined around the same time but how come her Korean is so fluent?"
These thoughts also floated around Tzuyu's head a lot.
Her mind was full. She needed a break. But she won't give herself a break. She thinks that all the times she was having 'breaks', the others were learning and studying. So she decided to discipline herself and learn.
She often skipped meals in order to keep things in her head. She would skips practice once a week just to study her Korean.
When she started skipping more meals than usual, that's when her members got worried.
"Tzuyu-ah, aren't you hungry?"
"Chewy, study later, eat first"
"Tzuyu, your food is turning cold"
"Tzuyu-ah, come and eat"
Now all her members knew that she was studying Korean but not to this extent. Tzuyu often studied Korean and isolated herself. They thought it was normal and they viewed her as mature but she viewed herself as nothing but stupid. Tzuyu wanted to tell someone how she felt, how she was suffering in silence, how she felt her members were neglecting her. But she didn't want the members to suddenly treat her differently just because she told them. She thought that if they were real friends then they would notice. But she didn't want to confide in someone outside of the group, as she thought it would be pointless. All groups are different and all people are. There would be useless opinions and advice from people she knew, didn't care much.
So she bottled it up.
She bottled it up and when that bottle was about to explode, she decided to just stretch it like rubber. Keeping it all in, instead of letting it out. Not Tzuyu isn't egoistical, she's just insecure. There's a huge difference between the two but people often view it as the same thing/ Saying that she had too much ego to tell her members, and saying that she was too scared to, is very different.
She used to talk to Sana but Sana left her too. She never understood the change of heart but she didn't want to ask why.
Sana used to be her pillar. She felt comfortable around her. She felt safe. A feeling she only felt at home. But randomly one day at a fan meet, Sana didn't stay around her, Sana went around the other members, mainly Dahyun. She thought Sana was just being her usual snakey self but she was wrong.
Sana started haing out with Dahyun more. Sana, unknowingly, started ignoring Tzuyu. Tzuyu lost her pillar. Her stronghold. Her second home.
She decided to build even more walls to protect herself. Higher, thicker, so no one would be able to break down her walls. So no one could hurt her. But Sana didn't know. Sana didn't know that Tzuyu depended on her. Sana knew to an extent that Tzuyu suffered with her Korean. But Sana didn't know Tzuyu needed her. So, she went off. Tzuyu didn't bother asking to be friends again. She felt like a burden. She thought that Sana only hung out with her because she felt pity. And that, is not what she wants.
Tzuyu now hangs around the leader a lot. Now, Jihyo also doesn't know much, but Jihyo knows that Tzuyu came here at a young age. Jihyo knows that Tzuyu has difficulties. With what? Jihyo didn't specifically know. Jihyo didn't want to push Tzuyu's boundaries. Jihyo only knew the general gist of how Tzuyu felt and suffered. Jihyo tried her best to protect and shelter Tzuyu. But even with all this love that Tzuyu does appreciate, she found it hard to be 100% comfortable with Jihyo. Of course as friends Jihyo doesn't mind that Tzuyu needs a coupld of seconds to think or that Tzuyu stutters. Jihyo knows that it's hard. Jihyo herself struggles learning Japanes. She knows the struggle of not being able to communicate well, but wanting to. Jihyo wants to show her support to the J-Onces, but she isn't able to express it as all as she wants.
Tzuyu knows this. Tzuyu loves hanging out with Jihyo and talking to Jihyo. But Jihyo has never known the struggle of not being able to speak to her members. Jihyo is korean. Jihyo was born in Korea, therefore is fluent.
Tzuyu hangs out a lot with Jihyo, Whether it be at the dorm, at gigs or at shows. Tzuyu is starting to feel that homey feeling that she used to feel with Sana, with Jihyo. Tzuyu appreciates Jihyo, along with all of her other members. Tzuyu appreciates how Jihyo takes the time to help her when she's struggling and how Jihyo helps her on shows when Tzuyu can't think of the right word.
Tzuyu still feels consistenyl drained. All those meals she skipped, all the sleep she missed, and all the practices she didn't attend, are starting to take a toll on her. She's lost more weight. She doesn't sleep her perfect schedule that she once had. And worst of all, Tzuyu is starting to make more mistakes on stage. Tzuyu finally realized she needs balance and can't handle all of this at once. She really needs to talk to someone. But who? Who would listen to her broken Korean? She knows all the members care about her and love her. She really does. But who can she trust. Tzuyu doesn't want the entire group to know, just one person to speak to. Nayeon? Jihyo? Momo? Sana?
She simply can't decide.
She wants to speak
But she's too scared.
She wants to tell all of them that she's suffering. How she feels around them. How she thinks they're neglecting her to a certain degree. But she doesn't want them to view her as this weak person. They've seen her cry before, many times. But Tzuyu always told it off as being homesick. Tzuyu absolutely does not want to be seen as weak.
She finally decides to tell her group. She told all her members, that after the last schedule for the day, to clean up and then all meet on the couch.
Now the members are a bit confused, but they just think that she really wants to watch a movie. The members would do anything for Tzuyu so they go. Here's the thing, Tzuyu notices that everyone is tired. Including herself. That last schedule was tiring. CF modelling always tired everyone out. She can't decide whether she wants to just let them rest or tell them. She didn't want them to be exhausted for tomorrow's schedules. But Tzuyu want this out.
Once the members all settled, Tzuyu saw that most of them were tired. Some were yawning, and some had a blanket on them slowly nodding off. "So what's up Tzuyu? What did you call us all together?
Tzuyu didn't know where to start. She didn't know whether she should yell at them and get all her emotions out at once, or slowly speak it out. Tzuyu had never done such thing. She had absolutely no idea how to start it off.
She opened her mouth to start speaking but immediately closed it, realizing she didn't know what to say. Tzuyu slowly sat down on the floor, while her members were all sitting on the couch watching her. She took a deep breath. By this time, all the members were fully awake. They were intrigued and confused by Tzuyu's actions but kept quiet to let her speak.
Momo broke the silence.
"you didn't get a boyfriend, did you?" Momo said, trying to get a laugh out of her members. In which, several members gave smal laughs and giggles.
Tzuyu smiled and shook her head.
"So what's up?" asked Nayeon.
Tzuyu took a deep breath and asked them all to sit in a circle. Tzuyu knew it was odd, but for some weird reason, she felt more comfortable after the change. After the change, she held Jihyo's hand, who was sitting beside her, and spoke. She slowly spoke out everything. She poured everything out. She can barely remember what passed her mouth, but she does know that it felt like 1000 stones had been lifted off her chest. She spoke slowly and stuttered sometimes, but kept it going.
She noticed how the members just sat there. Some in shock, some not knowing how to feel but all of them, were definitely crying. They didn't realize that she was feeling this way. They didn't realize that she was suffering. She even subconsciously spoke about the part about Sana being her shelter and how she left her. Tzuyu let everything out.
Tzuyu started crying, and this time. She didn't make an excuse for it.
Jihyo cried the most, rubbing her own thumb over Tzuyu's hand to help Tzuyu relax. Jihyo had to help with some of the words but Jihyo didn't mind. If anything, Jihyo was glad that Tzuyu finally shared about herself. All the members were. Some felt ashamed of themselves, some felt bad for Tzuyu.
After several minutes, they all ended up in a giant group hug. Saying comforting words to Tzuyu. Feeling bad after knowing what their youngest was going through. They all felt bad as the unnies, not properly taking care of their youngest member. Tzuyu didn't mind now. Tzuyu didn't mind the empathy and pity. All Tzuyu does care about know, is the love that she's receiving from her members constantly. Even if she herself might not notice it all the time.
Oof, that was a long one. Actually it's my longest one yet! Hope you all enjoy! <3 :D
2218 Words