"That, my friend is sisters," he repeated.
He poured another drink.
"You gonna stop them?" I wondered.
Nick shook his head.
"Naw. Let them fight."
I shrugged my shoulders and poured a drink for me and Betty.
"Ten bucks on Nicky."
Betty shook her head.
Nicky was beating the crap out of Stun.
"Not a chance."
"Cat fight," came the squeal.
Calvin had arrived and was clapping his hands and jumping up and down, watching the two rather sexy women fight.
Betty smacked me in the head.
"I heard that."
I kissed her.
"Get out of my head."
She shook her head.
"Not a chance."
Harold appeared.
"Hey Krall?"
I turned to him.
"Can I have the keys to the van?"
I looked at Betty.
"Why?" we both snapped together.
Calvin screamed again.
"Calvin, shut up."
Me and Betty were so in synch.
"The van keys," Harold repeated.
"Why?" I repeated.
"I want to go and see my new girlfriend."
We all turned.
Even Russell flew in and landed on the bar, with Bob on his back.
"Harold has a girlfriend?"
We all nodded.
We all ignored the two women fighting, who were destroying the common room.
A coffee table smashed as Nicky slammed Stun on it.
"You're paying for that," I informed Nick.
"No problem."
He turned.
"You okay, sweetie?"
Nicky punched Stun woman in the face.
There went a lamp.
"Fine baby."
"Who is your girlfriend?"
Harold blushed slightly.
It was so cool when they did that.
"Two Dogs Humping."
We had to laugh.
We just couldn't help it.
"Hey," Harold snapped.
"She is beautiful."
We had to agree.
"But the name."
We laughed again.
Calvin shrieked again.
We told him to 'shut up', again.
An end table smashed.
Calvin shrieked again.
"If you can shut him up, you can have the keys."
I didn't know ghosts could move so fast.
In the blink of an eyes, Harold had Calvin hogtied and gagged.
How is that even possible?
He appeared in front of me, out of breath.
How is that possible?
Calvin was thrashing around on the floor.
"Perfect," I said, tossing him the keys.
Officer Seaman was still standing in a daze, pointing at the women and at the two ghosts.
Russell flew to him and landed on his shoulder.
Officer Seaman looked up.
"Top of da day to you, guv'ner," Russell snapped.
Again that real bad British accent.
Officer Seaman looked like he was going to faint.
Russell shit on his shoulder.
"Fer gud luck, guv'ner," he laughed as he flew off.
Where had the crappy English accent come from?
Officer Seaman screamed and started running for the door.
"Stop him," I yelled.
The Baron appeared in the door.
Officer Seaman hit him and fell to the floor.
How ....?
Officer Seaman looked up.
"Hummingbird?"
Officer Seaman fainted.
We heard the van screech off.
How does it do that on gravel roads?
Betty kissed my cheek.
"You know a ghost just drove off in your van."
I nodded.
Nicky picked up the Stun woman, raised her over her head and began spinning her around.
"Shit," we all gasped.
"She was the intercontinental wrestling champion of the ZWF."
Nick was beaming with pride.
ZWF?
Zonk Wrestling Federation?
She slammed her hard on top of Officer Seaman.
There were two distinctive gasps and then silence.
Nicky let out a long sigh and rolled her neck.
"Shit, that felt good."
She started walking toward us.
"Way to go hun."
Nick tossed her a crystal decanter filled with expensive scotch.
She watched as it sailed past her, smashing on the floor.
Actually she didn't even try to catch it.
She took her husband's drink.
"Why did you throw that at me?"
"You were supposed to catch it."
Nicky shrugged.
"Sorry Krall."
I shrugged.
"Whatever.
Great fight."
We high fived.
"Thanks. I needed that."
"So the Stun woman is your sister?"
Nicky nodded.
"Her name is 466712. She is younger than I am.
You can call her Dipschiz."
Betty and I laughed.
"Her name is Dip Shit."
"Close enough," Nicky laughed.
She looked at the two, still laying on the floor.
"What do we do with those two?"
"I have an idea," Russell offered.
Betty and I looked at each other.
"Go for it."
Russell's eyes opened wide.
"Really?"
Betty pointed at him.
"No shit on the floor."
"YEEEEEEHAWWWW."
Russell flew off and started dive bombing the two, blasting them with continuous streams of white shit.
Bob was riding his back, yipping and hollering.
He even shit on Calvin, just for fun.
"So," Betty wondered.
"Why are you and your sister at each other's throats."
Nicky poured another drink.
"Dipschiz stole my man from me."
"Nick?"
Nicky shook her head.
"453222.
The man you know as officer Seaman."
We looked at the Officer and at Nick.
"I know," Nick gasped.
"He is so much better looking than me."
"WHAT?" Betty and I screamed ...
to ... get ... her.
Sigh.
"You are kidding? Right?"
Betty was emphatic.
Is that a good word?
Nick just shook his head, sadly.
"But you are a hunk," Betty nearly screamed.
"You are built like a brick shit house and you are handsome and sweet ..."
I slapped Betty across the shoulder.
She smiled, gasping, a little.
"Sorry hun. For a second, I forgot you were here."
Baron poured a glass of scotch.
"You waste a drop," I warned him.
"And I will lock you in a closet with Calvin."
The Baron swallowed hard and passed the drink to me.
"I was pouring it for you, Krall."
Why was he licking his lips?
Do ghosts have lips?
Betty spoke to Nicky again.
"So she stole the rump roast from you and you got top grade sirloin, instead."
I think she was actually drooling.
"Sweetie?"
She turned and looked at me.
Her face was flush.
"Yes .... ahh...uhmmm...."
"Krall. My name is Krall."
She laughed nervously.
She slapped me playfully.
"Of course .. ahh.."
"Krall?"
"Krall. Yes."
She started walking away.
"I need to powder my nose."
I shook my head.
"So you guys are still fighting over that?"
Nicky shook her head.
"Hell no. I love my snookums, Nick.
I just hate my sister. She is a bitch.
And Seaman has turned into a real douche."
She finished her drink.
"So what are we gonna do with those two?"
Russell was still shit bombing the two.
"That's enough Russell."
He flew back and landed on the table, exhausted.
"Good. I think I was giving myself haemorrhoids."
"There's cream in the bathroom," I informed him.
"Thanks, Krall."
He looked at Bob.
"Can you do it for me, hun?"
He smiled.
"Sure sweetie."
They flew off.
Hun?
Sweetie?
Was I missing something?
Betty returned a moment later.
She wasn't flushed anymore.
"Do you know that Bob is applying Sensodyne toothpaste to Russell's ass?"
A scream ripped through the house.
"I do now."
I waited until it stopped.
"THE OTHER TUBE."
"That would have been nice to know, Krall. Before someone set my ass on fire."
I shook my head.
Calvin was still flopping around on the floor.
I looked at the Baron.
"Can you untie him?"
He nodded.
"If you will grant ..."
"One drink," I snapped.
"And do it over the sink."
He hurried off and untied Calvin.
How do they do that shit?
"We still have to decide what to do with those two," Betty reminded us, pointing at Seaman and the Stun Dip Shit woman.
"They are up to something. I am sure of it."
"Seaman was sent here as part of a scouting party, planning for the invasion."
Nick sipped his drink.
"How long has he been here?" I wonder aloud.
"A long time," Nicky laughed.
"But he has surely sent intel back to Zonk."
"But why would he kidnap Ethel Sueann?" the Baron inquired.
"She is not a part of anything."
"Yes," Calvin added.
"Why would they kidnap my girlfriend?"
We decided not to even try to correct him.
"That is something we have to find out," I told, everyone.
Nicky shook her head.
"Won't do any good. They are both part of a top secret, elite squad.
They have had years of training in secret ops.
They are impervious to pain and torture of any kind.
They will die first, before they give up any information, on anything."
I sat back, sighing.
"She was my girlfriend, before you came along," Calvin snapped at the Baron.
"You stole her."
"You were dead, Calvin," the Baron reminded him.
"You keep bringing that insignificant point up.
You could have left her alone. Eventually she would have died and then we could have been together.
But NOOOOOOOOOOOO.
You just couldn't resist her charms."
The Baron poured a drink and slapped it back.
It splashed through his head and on the floor behind him, but I didn't care.
I had a plan.
"I know how we can get them to talk," I smiled.
I watched the Baron pour another drink.
"We have something worst than torture.
Something that can break any man alive."
I finished my drink.
"We have ...
Calvin."