"Okay guys we are about to head on over to the cafe. I need you all to make sure that you have your badge because if not you don't eat and I won't be able to help you." I yelled out to my orientation group of ten students who would be attending Westbrook full time starting next week.
My group of kids was loud and plain old ratchet. Every single day they had me yelling or cursing at someone or ałl of them. cc reFor the past two weeks I've been going home with a headache because of them but I grew to like them.
I was a little sad that tomorrow would be my last with them on a daily basis. After Sunday I would see them around campus or something.
"Make sure you log out of the computers too. Do not shut them down!" I reminded them.
"Do not shut them down." Ray, one of the clowns in my group mimicked.
My eyes narrowed at him. "Make me snap your little skinny ass into two." I walked over to the computer station that was once occupied by him. I knew that he was one of the ones who didn't log off. His Facebook account was still up and I posted a status that said he likes dick and couldn't get enough of it.
I watched as everyone started out of the class room.
"Wait! One more thing! Meet me back in this same room at two o'clock, we have assessments to do before y'all can do your own thing." I yelled after them. I hoped they heard me.
I wasn't planning on going into the cafe to eat their food. The only thing worth eating was whatever the fry station had cooked up or the salad bar. I didn't want either.
I was lost in my bag looking for my car keys when Chris yelled my name from across the quad. I rolled my eyes and waited for him to get to me.
"Where you headed?" He asked out of breath from running once we were face to face.
"Home until one thirty. My group is getting on my nerves with their crazy asses," I huffed. "The way they act there is no way that they will make it in college."
"What you doing at home?"
"Going to roll up because I have a serious headache. Can we walk and talk, we do have to be back." I turned and began walking to the parking lot.
"You spoke to Shae? How she doing?"
I was quiet for a minute because I wasn't keeping in touch with her for him. "She's good, out in DC working and all. Why haven't you talked to her?"
"I don't know." He shrugged and looked down. "She left and I doubt she's coming back. It was a lost hope for us so I figured why not just let it and her go."
We stopped at my car and I unlocked it.
"I get what you're saying but you never know." I respond when we slid into the car.
To be honest, I didn't get it but it was none of my business. I had my own love life to think about even if the shit was nonexistent. I don't even think that I would ever have love for or feel love for anyone again.
It was too much and Siani Nicole McCoy was not going through it.
'Yeah right. I bet if Jamar came back around you would love for him.' I closed my eyes as that thought swirled into my brain like a storm.
Since the start of the summer, I had been having dreams and thoughts about Jamar. Not only was I having these thoughts and dreams, but, the deposits of money had started back up on a weekly basis.
I couldn't control them and the thought that I would ever let him back in or be with him again was crazy. It not only angered me but it picked at my heart.
I should not have him on my mind. It drove me wild with panic attacks and it was just terrible. My ears started ringing and my body felt as though it were on fire.
Only Chris knew about this because only Chris witnessed my second attack and only could he get him off of my mind.
"Christian! Make it stop!" I half yelled, half cried with my hands over my ears in the attempt to stop the constant ringing going on in them.
I felt as though I was being surrounded by darkness and my breath became hard and shallow. Chris's hands fumbled with my seatbelt and I felt him pulling me into his lap.
He started rubbing circles into my back and rocking me. My heavy breathing stopped and reduced to short gasps for air while the ringing in my ears was just a whirring noise. My head lay on his shoulder as I snaked my arms around his neck.
"I'm fucking crazy." I mumbled once I felt back to my normal self.
"Stop it. You aren't crazy Si Ni." Chris said.
Bullshit.
"I am! I don't occupy my time with a guy anymore and I constantly think of my ex boyfriend who doesn't want my ass. He doesn't want me Chris! He took a five hour ride to break my fucking heart and stomp that shit in the ground. I didn't know how to handle it and I started sleeping around and became a whore. He popped his ass back up on the scene and is back to sending money. I don't want it. I just want him to leave me alone. Let me go back to how it was where I had been stopped thinking about him until two months ago so that these thoughts of him and panic attacks can stop. I can't handle it." I let all of that out in what seemed like one breath.
"Well it seems that you have your mind made up that you're crazy so I say let's go check your crazy ass into the psych ward. Then go lay across the altar since you walking around like a Jezebel." Chris said while trying to hold in a laugh.
I pulled away from him and glared. "You think this is a damn joke? Get your ass out of my car. I don't have time for this. I'm over here being dead ass serious and you want to laugh and shit. Insensitive ass bitch." I rambled on as I got myself comfortable in the drivers seat.
Chris got out of the car but not before leaning over and kissing my cheek with a sorry. I didn't want his sorry. It was too late. I pulled off and went home without a backwards glance.
Once in the house, I whipped my phone out to call Miss Marshall. I wasn't up to going back to the campus and someone needed to cover the assessment for me.
"Good afternoon, Tracy speaking." She greeted.
"Hi Miss Marshall, it's me, Siani."
"Hey Siani, what's up? Everything alright?" I heard concern in her voice.
"Not really. I'm not feeling too well right now and was wondering if it's too late to get someone to cover my group. They have the first part of their assessment at two." I let her know while using my sweetest voice possible.
The line was silent for a quick second before Miss Marshall spoke. "I'll get someone to cover for you. Now, about the second part in the morning. Do you need someone-"
"I'll be there." I cut her off and hung up with a thanks and a goodbye.
I sat on my bed and started looking around the room all the while trying not to focus on one thing. I closed my eyes and lay back on the bed. My eyes opened some time later and the room was becoming dark.
Had I really just lay in one position for six hours? This was crazy. I felt a bit dizzy when I sat up. Instead of laying back down I made my way to the bathroom and started a shower where I rushed to clean my body.
I didn't want my thoughts to swallow me in there. Especially in a chance that they were going to end up being about him.
After dressing I grabbed my keys and left out. I headed to the Chinese buffet before they closed. There I filled two styrofoam containers with different varieties of the deliciousness from the buffet line and placed an order of crab legs and chicken wings. After the restaurant I headed to the Rite Aid and bought every Hershey's Cookies 'N Cream bar they had out; regular and king size.
I climbed the fourteen steps with the bags of food and candy, kicking the door with my foot since my hands were occupied. I heard the locks turning and then the door opened. "I brought food." I said while holding up the bags. They just walked away and left the door open.
I followed and placed the bags on the kitchen counter before going to lock the door back before heading in the kitchen to wash my hands. I grabbed two plates and two glasses from the cabinets and began dishing the still hot food. I even melted some butter and sprinkled Old Bay seasoning inside.
"Sweet tea or lemonade?" I asked only receiving a shrug in response. I rolled my eyes and placed one of each on the table along with our plates.
Silently I said my grace and started eating the honey chicken. I looked up to see the glass with lemonade gone which left me to drink the sweet tea and I was glad for that.
"So," I dragged out before dipping crab meat into the butter. "You can't talk or something?"
I was met with silence.
"Come on, Chris you can't be mad at me. You just can't." I whined.
He didn't say anything and it bothered me. I mean, yeah I cursed him out and put him out of my car but could you blame me?
It wasn't time to be joking. Or at least I didn't think so.
We finished all of the food off in silence and I cleaned up our mess. Finished in the kitchen I cut the light out and went into his room where I knew he would be. He hardly ever used the living room and mainly stayed in his bedroom.
He lay directly in the middle of his bed on his stomach playing Madden. Kicking my shoes off I climbed on his bed, my body bouncing because of the water mattress. Once it settled I silently watched him play two games before I connected a controller and started to play with him.
He just looked back and mugged me.
"So you ready to talk to me?" I wondered.
"I figured you were." I said when he didn't respond.
"I didn't mean to blow up on you like that today. I felt like you didn't take me as being serious. I meant everything that I had said. I am crazy and I'm a whore. Okay. Maybe I'm not a whore but I have done some whorish things." I smiled as he looked back at me with a funny look.
He could give all the looks he wanted. I accepted it and so should he. I just lost my virginity nine months prior and my body count is too high considering the fact that none of the guys I've been with were boyfriends or anything close. That's a whore in my eyes.
"Anyway, you know I hate apologizing so here." I handed him the bag of the Hershey's bars. "Dinner and this chocolate is my peace offering."
Before I knew it I was being attacked by Chris. He had jumped on me and started tickling me. Our bodies were riding the waves of the bed.
"Ah! Chris, n-nooo. Stop it! I-I oh shit! I gotta pee, move before I gooo." I screamed.
"Say uncle." He demanded.
"Un-uncle!" I yelled. As soon as he moved I was up and running to the bathroom. "It's not funny."
"Sit down. Let's have a talk, friend to friend." Chris said once I exited the bathroom.
I shook my head.
"I can't talk to you as a friend. You're a guy and you won't understand."
"Alright, hold up." He pulled his shirt off and tied it over his head, making it seem as if it were hair. "I'm no longer Chris, I'm Christina."
"Seriously? You did all that?"
"Unt uhh what you sayin' doe? I mean, just because I got a little beard and mustache I ain't no female?" His voice was now high pitched as he bobbed his head side to side. "Bitches always trying to hate. Why come?"
I got my laughter under control and sat down and he started. "Now I don't like this shit you're saying about you're a whore. Who told you that?"
Ugh not this. I didn't want him to convince me that I wasn't. My mind was made up and I had accepted it almost.
"I told myself that. I mean, it's only right. I don't know how to deal with a break up so I have sex with no strings attached right? That's why I gave Quan my virginity. After him it was Antwan and after- well never mind but you get where I'm going." I quickly finished.
"Nah, you was about to say someone after That Nigga Antwan. Be honest with me Siani, tell me your body count. I promise you that I won't judge you. I'll even tell you mine."
We sat in silence for a while. I wanted to tell him, I did. He said he wouldn't judge me and deep down I knew that he wouldn't. It didn't matter if he knew so why not?
"Five." I whispered with my head down and eyes closed.
"Five. Well, I mean uh, dammit Si. That's a lot for you to have just lost your virginity. I'm not judging you though. Do your thing as long as you're using protection. You do use protection right?"
"Of course." I sighed.
"Who were the others?"
"Justin. And some other guys; Rich and James. Rich was from the club and James I met at the gym in my apartment complex. But Rich has been my summer fling. So there you have it, the reason I'm a whore and the guys I bust it open for. It's been done and I can't take it back so let's just forget about it. So I'm going home, I'll see you in the morning. And then after that I'll see you when classes start back up because I'm flying to Philly, family wants to see me." I made a face making him chuckle.
He stood and hugged me tight and kissed my forehead before telling me to be careful and I was out the door heading home.
I walked off of the plane and out into the terminal behind the other passengers. My job as a student ambassador was over and I had five days to waste before classes started back up. Why not waste them back home? It was still strange coming here even if we "made up" it wasn't the same.
I smiled to myself as I saw Shy standing by baggage claim with a big poster board with my face on it asking has anybody seen me.
"Ahh! Cousin!" She yelled before throwing her sign and running towards me. I pulled her into a hug and we screamed and jumped around.
People were looking at us funny when we pulled apart.
"What y'all looking at? Y'all acting like you never saw a family reunion in the airport before?" Shy snapped at some of them while snatching her sign from the floor.
"Calm down. Who drove you here because I know you didn't take your driver's test." I asked her.
"Your ugly ass brother and his even uglier ass girlfriend. The white girl, he dumped that black one. I'm not feeling this color change." She shrugged before flipping her hair.
"Oookayyy." I dragged out.
Once we got into my brothers truck all I felt was a bunch of awkwardness. I was so glad once we got to the house. Only Shy and I got out.
"You not coming in Jay?" I asked.
"No. I have to do a few things to prep for my fight tonight." He shook his head.
"Well can I come?" I asked because I didn't want to be home and it would give us a chance to get back to how we once were.
"Yeah, I don't mind."
"What!? Noooo. I thought we would hang out and do girly things." Shy pouted.
"We can be girly tomorrow. I'm going to change, give me five minutes." I told Jay before dragging Shy into the house.
"Hey Si." Jas greeted.
"Hey Jasmine. Where's Khalil?" I checked for my seven month old nephew.
"In his room sleeping."
"Well I'll see him later because I'm going with Jay." I let her know before running up the steps to change.
"Tell my mom that I'll see her when I get back."
We arrived at my uncle Kalani's gym and I headed straight to his office. "Hey stranger." He greeted when I walked in.
"Sup. I haven't been a stranger because you and I speak on a daily basis." I rolled my eyes. "Plus you're the reason I'm up here with all your begging and talking about my mom crying about how I'm treating her and all that shit."
"Language." He warned. "Why are you in here?"
"I came to watch Jay get ready for his fight."
"I see. Are you going to help him?" He wanted to know and I shrugged my shoulders. "If so, don't you hit a damn thing."
After promising that I wasn't going to hit anything I left my uncle and went in search of my brother. I found him throwing some punches at the punching bag that my cousin KJ was holding while Shy sat on the sidelines on her phone. Angela, Jay's new girlfriend sat at the other end of the bench.
"Come on, let me get some hits in."
"Hell no." Both Jay and KJ spoke at the same time.
"Daddy already text me and said not to let you." Shy said looking over at us.
"Alright then. Somebody fight me." Nobody said anything and just went back to what they were doing.
I was feeling some type of way that none of them wanted to fight. It wasn't my fault that they were all scary and afraid to fight me. It wasn't even going to be a real fight; just playing around in the ring.
Pouting, I sat down and watched my brother do his thing. Bored at watching his reps I started taking selfies and posting them to Instagram. Shae and Chris are terrible for making me get this social app.
"You know, you're more beautiful in person than you are in your pictures." I heard a deep, masculine voice say.
"Is that right?" I asked not bothering to look up. I figured he was some bum ass creep who used the gym.
"It is." I just nodded my head. "So I couldn't help but notice that your dressed to be here working out or something."
"Nobody wants to fight me and I'm not allowed to use any boxing equipment."
"Fight me." He said. I could tell that he had a smirk or some sort of smile on his face. Rolling my eyes once more I finally looked up at this man.
I smiled at his uncanny resemblance to the singer Tank. I felt bad for being rude to him and he was this fine. But I couldn't take that back.
"No thank you." I politely declined.
"Come on, just a few punches?" He poked his bottom lip out and attempted to make a puppy dog face.
How could I say no?
"Okay, just a few." I handed Shy my phone and pulled my hair into a ponytail. "You got full body protection on, right?"
"For hits from a little girl like you? Please." He waved me off and held the ropes of the boxing ring for me to get in.
"Carter! What the hell do you think you're doing?" My uncle yelled at who I assumed was the man/boy. He made his way over to us and repeated his question.
"Aww come on Coach, I was just about to have a little fun." He said to my uncle.
"No. Get your ass on to the speed balls. You fight her, you won't make it to your fight tonight." Uncle Kalani informed him.
I watched the two of them go back and forth for a little until my uncle wanted me to show this Carter boy why I wasn't allowed to do anything but sit when I came to his boxing gym.
"Oh so now I get to break something when just minutes ago I had to sit in a corner." I spoke with sarcasm sliding off my tongue.
"Shut up. We have to make a believer out of this boy. You're too delicate according to him." Uncle Kalani rolled his eyes and directed me to the speed balls. "Do your thing."
I didn't really feel like doing this because I wasn't fully into it. Not only that but people were watching me and I can't do things when people watch me. It's cool if they come up after because I don't really know but when I know they're there it fucks with me.
After getting my hands taped up, I started fooling with the hanging ball. Slowly working my way to a steady and faster pace. Nothing was happening, by now the ball should have popped off and hit the floor.
I imagined Chris being right beside me in my ear doing all of his teasing and taunting. When that didn't help, I slowly let the thought of Jamar in but with Chris still there. I stepped back after a while and stood beside Carter.
The ball was still moving.
Leaning over to him I began counting down. "Ten...nine....eight...seven....six...five..four......three...two..one." The ball stopped and fell onto the floor.
"You still can't beat me in a fight though." The boy spoke after a while.
"Ugh and here I thought you wouldn't hate on my skill." I smiled. "I could teach you how to do that you know."
"Yeah, right."
"472-4811."
"And that is?" He crossed his arms and smirked. I was getting tired of his smirking.
"My number doofus. Use it."
I left from near him and went back to my brother who was now finishing up lifting weights. "I'm going on a run and then to eat. Fight is at ten tonight."
"I want to run and where you eating at?" I wondered.
"I'm only doing two miles. Not sure, might go downtown or something. Hit up Applebee's, depends on where my friend wants to go."
"What friend? Aria? If so I'll let you know I don't like her."
"Shy and KJ said the same. Her name is Angela and is it because she's white?" He glanced over at me.
"Hell no. She just doesn't fit in the way T did. And she isn't for you."
"Yeah. I saw Quan the other day."
"So."
"So wassup? Y'all good?"
Instead of answering I sped up and left him.
After our run, I went home and took a shower then dressed. By the time I made it downstairs Jay was honking the horn.
"Where's this friend?" I asked getting in his car.
"Meeting us there." Was all he said.
I couldn't help but to shake this feeling that something fishy was going on. I just rode it out.
We finally arrived to Applebee's and sat waiting for his friend. Jay kept glancing around and I was mad that I couldn't see where he was looking to since I was in the seat that had my back to the door.
"Oh, here comes my friend." Jay smiled and then it became uneasy when he looked at me. "Don't get mad."
"Mad at what?" I asked.
Before he could respond I heard his voice. "Jalani." I shot daggers at the both of them. Jalani had some nerve tricking me. He knew I would want to come and avoided telling me that we would be eating with Harlem.
"I'll see you at the fight Jay. Next time just tell me Harlem is the fucking friend. Don't decide if I want to be around him for me. If I want to let him back in I'll do it on my own time." I spat before getting up.
Harlem grabbed my arm preventing me from walking away. I looked down at his hand and my arm and then back up to his face. He got the message and let go.
"Siani, I'm sorry. Just let's eat and maybe you and I can come to an understanding, I am still your father." He softly spoke.
I sighed. I guess I could stop being so mean to him for a hour. Plus I was hungry.
"Fine." I sat down. "I'm not staying for either one of you. I'm staying because I'm hungry."
"Well it's a step forward." Harlem smiled.
"Yeah, whatever." I waved him off and looked down at the menu.
I felt trapped as if I was being sucked into this meeting. Like I was forcing myself to sit with my dad. Something like the start of an attack. I sipped my water trying to calm down but it didn't work. I felt my breath speed up and the next thing I knew, darkness swept over my vision and weakness over my body.