AFTER getting ready, lumabas na ko ng room ko and went downstairs. At the end of the staircase I saw my mom smiling at me. I gritted my teeth in anger. The audacity of this woman is really beyond the roof.
I just continued walking downstairs at nilagpasan ko lang siya. I did not bother to give her a single glance nor a single breath.
"Kumain ka na muna," she said.
I stopped pero hindi ko siya nilingon. "Nagmamadali ako."
"Hindi ka na kumain pagdating mo kagabi hindi ka pa rin kakain ngayon, baka manghina ka niyan."
Nilingon ko siya finally and glared at her. "I told you nagmamadali ako. I'm going to meet an important client so if I were you magpapahinga na lang ako to prepare for dialysis later."
She's sick.
She has chronic renal failure so she needs to undergo dialysis three times a week and she's been doing it for six months already.
I was about to turn my back on her again pero nagsalita ulit siya, "Gusto lang kitang makasalo sa pagkain. Hindi ko na kasi maalala kung kailan kita huling nakasabay kumain."
I sighed and bite my lower lip.
Wala akong nagawa kundi sabayan siyang mag-breakfast. We went into kitchen and saw the maids preparing our meal.
They greeted us pero hindi ko sila binati pabalik. I never had a maid before, nasanay akong mag-isa. Pero dahil sa sitwasyon ng magaling kong ina, wala akong choice kung hindi mag-hire ng maid. I don't know what their names are because they are unimportant for me.
Binilisan ko ang pagkain para makaalis agad ako but one of the maids added something on the table.
"Ano 'yan?" tanong ko.
"Spaghetti, anak."
I removed the lid of the bowl and it smelled familiar.
"Naaalala mo ba noong bata ka pa? Palagi kang nagpapaluto sa'kin ng spa—"
"Yeah, I remembered. Naaalala ko pero pilit kong kinakalimutan tapos pinaalala mo pa sa'kin ngayon."
She bowed down her head. "S-Sorry, anak. A-Akala ko kasi magugustuhan mo. Paborito mo kasi ang luto kong Spaghetti noon."
"To make thing clear, I love spaghetti in general so don't think na special ang luto mo. Isa pa...busog na rin ako."
"Kahit...kahit tikman mo lang, anak. Gumising ako ng maaga para lutuin ko 'yan."
"Sinusumbat mo sa'kin?"
"Hindi, anak. Hindi sa ganon. Sige na anak, kahit tikman mo lang."
I stared at her and stared down at the bowl. "Fine, kung 'yan ang ikatatahimik mo."
I ate one forkful of it, and the moment I had a taste of it, several memories waved in. The smell and taste is so familiar that it triggers a lot of good and happy memories.
I chewed slowly as I remember how happy we were bago mawala si Daddy.
We were a perfect family.
Pero sinira iyon ng babaeng nasa harap ko ngayon and I will forever be loathing her for that.
Agad akong kumuha ng tissue at iniluwa ang kinain ko. "It tastes so awful. Next time hayaan mo na lang na mga katulong ang magluto."
Tumayo na ko at nagmadaling umalis.
Sumakay ako sa kotse ko and drove away.
While driving I remembered what I just did kanina. Napakabastos ng ginawa ko, ng pakikitungo ko sa kanya pero masisisi ba niya ko? She's the reason bakit ganito ako katigas ngayon.
I stepped on the accelerator real hard hoping that the speed of this car will help me escape from all the feelings I am feeling right now. Galit na galit ako sa kanya. Galit na galit ako sa sarili ko. Galit na galit ako sa mundo!
I hit the steering wheel repeatedly.
Bakit ako?
BAKIT KAILANGANG AKO?!
Nagulat ako nang may biglang tumawid kaya bigla akong prumeno. Sobrang lakas ng impact na feeling ko ay naalog ang ulo ko.
I immediately hopped off the car to check if may nasaktan ba ko. I saw a mother protecting her son. Bata pa ang anak niya, parang Kinder pa lang and he's wearing a school uniform. 'Yung nanay naman hindi ko alam if matanda na or nalosyang na lang talaga.
"Are you two okay?" tanong ko nang hindi lumalapit sa kanila. I remained the distance between us.
"Okay lang po. Pasensya na po, Ma'am," sagot nung nanay bago sila mabilis na umalis.
Pinagmasdan ko sila habang papalayo sila sa'kin. I almost hit them with my car but they ended up apologizing. Ha! This world is filled with hypocrites.
NAGMAMADALI akong pumunta sa The Galaxy—company kung saan ako nagwo-work as fashion director and project manager. I immediately went inside the meeting room for I have to meet a client.
The client is a famous celebrity and she's planning to choose The Galaxy para mag-design ng gowns niya for her upcoming debut. Though it's not official since marami ring ibang nago-offer sa kanya. It's important for me na makausap siya because if ma-convince namin siya further, the coverage and article about her debut will be the centrefold of our 15th Anniversary special magazine. That will attract more clients and customers, may exposure pa siya. It's a win-win situation.
I was so ready to meet her pero nagulat ako dahil pagdating ko ng meeting room ay ibang aura ang sumalubong sa'kin. My team is slouching on their seats and it seems that they are all feeling sorry.
"What happened?" The moment I speak, bigla na silang umayos ng upo. They are too preoccupied na hindi na nila namalayan ang pagpasok ko. Umupo ako adjacent to their seats. "Where's Ms. Javier?"
Nagtinginan muna sila at wala ni isang makapagsalita sa kanila kaya lumapit na sa'kin ang Secretary. "Ma'am, nanggaling na po dito si Ms. Javier kaya lang wala pa kayo. So we asked if it's okay if she can wait for a lit bit longer para—"
"You what? Tinanong niyo if pwedeng maghintay siya? Of course it's not okay! Hindi niyo ba kayang makipag-negotiate sa kanya nang wala ako?!"
"That's what we did, Ma'am. Nang sabihin po ng manager niya na may photoshoot pa siya after this, kinausap na po namin siya. We told her about our plans and nagpakita rin kami ng sample designs from previous clients."
"And?"
"Ms. Javier declined po."
My lips curled in disdain. Tinignan ko sila isa-isa pero lahat sila ay umiiwas ng tingin sa'kin. "Alam niyo ba kung gaano kalaki ang pinakawalan niyo?! Ms. Javier is the most popular and in demand teenager celebrity of today's generation!"
"Sorry, Ma'am," the team leader said.
"Sorry sorry! May magagawa ba 'yang sorry niyo?! Our designs were good, our plans were also good! So saan kayo nagkulang? Sa convincing powers? Sa accommodation? If hindi niyo kayang maging sincere sa ginagawa niyo, eh 'di sana nakipagplastikan muna kayo! I know somewhat, I have a fault in here because I'm 20 minutes late. Pero sana! Inayos niyo pa rin ang trabaho niyo kahit wala ako! I am so disappointed!"
I heaved a sigh. "Mag-brainstorming kayo and think of another way. Maghanap kayo ng ipapalit kay Ms. Javier and give me the summary of your report before the day ends."
I gave them one last look before leaving them dumbfounded.
THE moment I entered my office, I threw myself sa sofa. Ang aga-aga puro kamalasan na lang! If the mother a while ago did not cross the street and kung hindi lang ako na-traffic, hindi sana ko mapeperwisyo ng ganito. Above all things, kung hindi lang ako pinilit kumain ng magaling kong ina, hindi sana ko na-late. That woman!
"This can't be. I should not be affected by this. I still have many things to do."
Isinantabi ko muna ang problema at inasikaso ang iba pang bagay dahil kung hindi, wala akong matatapos ngayong araw.
I decided not to have lunch since I don't have the appetite to do so. But before pa mag-lunch break ay pinatawag na ko ng VP for Creativity Management. Of course alam ko na kung bakit niya ko pinatawag.
And I was right.
Pinatawag niya ko para pagalitan sa nangyari kanina. I am the captain of the ship, therefore ang kasalanan ng team ay kasalanan ko rin.
Bagsak ang balikat ko nang lumabas ako ng office niya, but the sadness I was feeling washed away when Pam called me sa phone.
"Hello, besh," I answered.
"Where are you? Nag-lunch ka na ba?"
"Nope. Wala kong gana."
"Why? What happened? Are you alright? Gusto mo puntahan kita diyan?"
"No need, Pam. I'm okay. Saka marami kasi akong nakain kaninang breakfast," I lied.
"O...kay. Basta if need mo ng kausap I'm always here, okay?"
"Yeah, thanks. I'll hang up na."
"Wait! Don't forget na pumunta sa St. Jude later ha. Remember, you have to go there and pray the novena for straight nine days—"
"Yeah, yeah I know! Bye, Felicia!" I rolled my eyes before hanging up.
She told me about this kalokohan yesterday when we went to St. Jude. Sabi niya, kung gusto ko raw matupad nang kahilingan ko, I have to pray and make nine copies of the novena daw and iiwan ko sa St. Jude for nine consecutive days.
How pathetic! As if naman totoo 'yun.
Binalewala ko ang sinabi niya at nagpatuloy sa pagtratrabaho.
HINDI ko namalayan na 6PM na pala, nag-OT na naman ako nang hindi sadya. I fixed my things and prepared to leave nang may nahulog na papel.
I picked it up...it's the copy of the novena. I remembered what Pam told me. It's already six o'clock; I don't think makakadaan pa ko dito. I just shrugged it off and pinatong ito sa desk ko.
Aalis na talaga ko when Pam texted me; she reminded me about going to St. Jude. I sighed, wala naman sigurong mawawala if subukan ko 'di ba? And I'm doing this for Pam, para hindi siya magtampo sa'kin.
So that's what I did, 7:30 na ko nakarating. Walang mass ngayon so wala halos tao which is a good thing. I did what Pam told me. I prayed the novena and nag-iwan ng nine copies.
Palabas na sana ko when I saw a family went inside. Nakahawak 'yung batang babae sa magkabilang braso ng mga magulang niya at nagtatawanan sila. Pinagmasdan ko sila hanggang sa makaupo na sila, I just came back to my senses when the little girl looked and smiled at me.
I just rolled my eyes and naglakad na palayo...then I stopped nang malampasan ko na sila. Nilingon ko sila and they are all kneeling down, even the little girl.
We used to be like that.
I decided na umupo ulit malapit sa may door ng church, maybe the darkest area inside. Pinagmasdan ko sila from here. Bigla kong naalala kung gaano kami kasaya noong bata pa ko, noong bago mawala si Papa. Before I knew it, there are already tears in my eyes. Damn it.
"Here..."
I saw a hand in front of me, offering a handkerchief. I looked up to see who it was; I was shocked as soon as I recognized him.
"Remember me?" He smiled and seated beside me. Nakatingin lang ako sa kanya.
"Kunin mo na," he said as he offered me again his hanky.
"No need. I don't need a help from a stranger," I said while wiping my tears away with my bare hands.
He chuckled and kept his hanky on his pocket. "Are you alright? Kahapon ka pang malungkot."
"Why do you even care?"
Hindi siya nagsalita.
"This is non-sense." Tatayo na sana ko nang nagsalita ulit siya.
"May problema ka ba? Gusto mong pag-usapan?"
I looked at him beyond belief. "Are you for real? Sabi ko I don't need help from stranger."
"Hindi ba...mas maganda if you open up to a stranger? Sa someone na hindi mo kilala?"
"For what? Para mahusgahan mo ko?"
"Sabihin na nating huhusgahan nga kita...but does it even counts? I'm a stranger sabi mo, therefore we'll never meet again. Magkita man tayo baka mga ganitong pagkakataon lang. Unlike if mag-open up ka sa taong kilala mo at kilala ka, mas mahirap 'yun. Because you have to face him or her everyday of your life knowing na that person knows a lot about you. Mas nakakabaliw kapag palagi mong iniisip if 'yung tao bang nakakasalamuha mo eh hinuhusgahan ka or hindi."
Smartass.
Hindi ako nakapagsalita for he has a point.
"I saw you watching them." He's looking at the direction of the family. "I cannot depict your facial expression. Parang ang dami mong nararamdaman upon looking at them."
Tinitigan ko sila. Now they are done praying, the little girl kissed her parents sa cheeks.
"To be honest, hindi ko rin ma-depict 'tong nararamdaman ko," I said not letting my eyes off them. "I'm at the point in my life wherein I either feel everything at once or I feel nothing at all. No in betweens, always the extremes. The time when I can't decide if I want to turn back the time or just fast forward it to the future. No today, no hints of present. The time when I'm sort of being easily bothered yet sometimes I just couldn't care less anymore. No uncertainties, never thought of second thoughts. It's the time wherein I am always on the either end, never in the midpoint."
I heard him sigh. "But life has never been unidirectional, you can reroute, you can take detours, and who knows? Maybe at the end of the journey, you'll finally meet yourself halfway."
Tinignan ko siya and his smile is so comforting, nakakapawi ng lungkot.
"I don't know what you are going through. I'm not even in the place para bigyan ka ng advices. Pero ramdam ko, alam kong matapang ka. You have to be brave I know, but sometimes you also have to feel your struggles. Okay lang umiyak. Okay lang maging mahina...even just for once."
It felt like my imaginary jar of braveness cracked and just for once, gusto kong iiyak lahat, gusto kong isigaw lahat ng galit at sama ng loob na nararamdaman ko. Sa unang pagkakataon, bumuhos ang luha ko sa harap ng isang taong hindi ko kilala.
"I missed my dad. I missed him so much. G-Gusto ko na ulit siyang makita."
"If...If you don't mind, what happened to him? Where is he?"
I looked up at the big cross, hindi ko na masyadong makita for my eyes are already filled with tears. "Kasama na Niya."
"I'm...I'm sorry."
"Nag-suicide siya right after we celebrated my 7th birthday party. I saw him hanging on the ceiling. My little world crashed right before my eyes." It felt like my heart is being tied through a barbed wire. "Nag-suicide siya kasi iniwan kami ni Mommy, pinagpalit niya kami sa ibang lalaki. My dad did everything para maging masaya ang birthday ko because my little heart was also in pain that time. Sobrang selfish ko. Nakuha kong magsaya noong birthday ko without me knowing that my dad is going too much heartache."
"It's not your fault. Sana alam mo 'yun."
"I don't want to blame myself, but at the end of the day...sinisisi ko pa rin ang sarili ko." I wiped my tears harshly. "Nang nawala si Daddy, I was brought to DSWD pero tumakas ako. Naging palaboy ako, kumakain ng panis na pagkain galing sa basurahan, namalimos, hanggang sa may tumulong sa'kin. She's Galaxy Soledad Montejermoso, the owner of The Galaxy Designs. Tinulungan niya ko nang makita niya kong nagdra-drawing ng damit ng mga babae sa pader."
"So...you're working now in The Galaxy?"
"Yeah. I'm a Fashion Director. All my life, nag-focus ako sa pag-aaral at pagtratrabaho. I stopped believing that there is heaven, that there are angels and saints, that there is God. Sarili ko na lang ang pinaniwalaan ko. When I graduated, I decided na bumukod, to live in my own house because I prefer being alone. Then one day, may kumatok sa bahay ko, nagulat ako nang makita ko si Mommy." I stopped. Bumalik lahat ng galit sa puso ko.
"If you're not comfortable to talk about her...it's okay. I understand your pain, I understand if you already stopped believing in Him. Hindi kita huhusgahan."
Nilingon ko siya. I saw the sincerity in his eyes. "Ikaw? Naniniwala ka ba sa Kanya?"
He nodded. "Always. It's never too late. Pwede ka pa ring lumapit sa Kanya. He will still listen. You can still repent. Reconciliation is the key."
I looked up again at the cross. I blinked continuously and gathered my shits together. "I have to go. I need to rest. It has been a long day for me."
"Hatid na kita?"
"No, I'm fine. Umuwi ka na rin." Kinuha ko na ang bag ko at tumayo na. I looked at him for one last time. "Thank you..."